[gem-poetry]

and why do we differ love from death? they both take us against our will

[gem-poetry]

i forgot how to be a child and instead became all this anger. it's a wormhole, darkness slipping through my fingers until I'm choking on glass.

you look at me and i try to blink my affection away, don't know when i started seeing your face, notice the cracks and how they spill teeth.

i wake up and decide to fill my heart in with crayons. think outside the box they say, and i present grief as love, draw lines between my fists and my eyes

[gem-poetry]

i wish i could make a drawing of this, i say, close my fist around the air and imagine it being your heart. my voice is hoarse. i try to keep it neutral, light, but it's water coursing through a dam, electricity brimming in the daylight

to capture it, i mean, put it in a jar under your bed just to dream of it time and time again

some things aren't meant to be held, you answer, stand up and leave me there. i open my hands, allow my veins to collapse into themselves.

what else is it but collateral damage, this love, clumsy eyes pouring honesty into whatever open hands they can find

i should film this, i say, and you look at me like you remember. our lips meet and my hands slip to your waist. you pull back, mouth dripping in bitter regret.

it reminds me of playing cards without the lights on, how i could see things i never thought about before. you trace papercuts on my skin, grab my heart and let it bleed out, sketch vows on the walls

and sometimes i forget how many bad people this world counts, but isn't that a good trait?

isn't it?

i want to paint this, i say, and your sunglasses catch the last glimpses of sun. your gaze is fixed on the road, like if you keep outrunning archers you will eventually end up happy

it doesn't work like that, i want to warn you, run circles on your skin like a signpost, a yearning you can only feel while locked in a casket

oh and i know. you are a grave under construction, a mystery buried in the ocean, and maybe blue has never really been my colour

but god, do i love this gold

i wrote a poem, i say, hand it to you like a love letter, a resignation. writing in cursive has never felt this young.

you rip it apart, and these aren't supposed to be your lines. i wrote it down, i want to say, please read it, but you can only think of messiahs and how they inevitably become martyrs

i have never been outside, i say, but i promise not to move mountains, not to split rivers.

i don't care about that, you answer. just don't turn yourself into a burden, a sacrifice, a cross we have to carry

i won't

you kiss me and i don't care what's holy anymore

[gem-poetry]

they say you're a hero just because you are capable of losing

- oh and you lost everything

[gem-poetry]

i want to keep my head in my pocket, forget how to be alive just for a second

[gem-poetry]

i wasn't looking to be lost until i found you

[gem-poetry]

you are a gun but i don't think you remember. i wonder what it's like, to wake up covered in smoke and don't know whose ashes you burned

[gem-poetry]

I spray painted wings onto my back just to grasp that fleeting concept of freedom, every corner of this house is haunted and even the colours splayed out on my desk cant escape the darkness. ghosts try to rip me apart and I stumble down the stairs, the railing nothing but dust waiting to fall and it reminds me of my broken parts.

I am sick of watching the back of love.

you trace the outlines of my bad habits and bend them into paths to walk upon, my spine arching into a bridge, bones breaking into pillars, but I can't mimic marble anymore and slip like sand.

you take out a lighter and burn me into glass. if I can't use you, you whisper, I will shatter you, and the only thing I can think of is the picture on my wall, sunlight hitting your smile like grief hits my reflection, think of tearing it apart, think of blending in with the songs on my midnight playlist.

you are like music, I answer, the beating lyrics of misery, and your face pulls into a smirk, resembling the dark wood of my chest. I don't know how to know you anymore, I confess, and you curl your fingers around my loneliness, air disintegrating in my lungs.

you read my message, but never reply, and I finally get around to deleting our conversations, millions of promises buried in the impossibility of parallel lines.

the wings fade and I can't lift my spirit high enough to replace them. where are you, you text, and I contemplate yelling, screaming, spilling poetry of lost love and finding it again, but instead I just leave it on read

[gem-poetry]

i guess i will just be the love of your life another time, when you are not too busy choking on your pride to press your lips against mine

[gem-poetry]

she texted me like nothing ever happened and i could only stare, wonder what it's like to hurt someone and never take the blame

[gem-poetry]

we can make love as divine as we want, but at the end it's still a mortal invention

[gem-poetry]

my arms have always been open but people would rather take than mend, bending me into a messiah leading rivers i don't remember conquering.

you grasp my hand, caress the skin between my lifelines, and the silence between us threatens to fall apart.

fragile, i think, as i cup your cheek like you are a treasure i spent a lifetime drawing maps for.

strong, i whisper, as you dig graves for my past, blood lingering on the innocent eyes of a child who was simply never good enough.

love, i claim, as you take my heart and shelter it from the cold, storms have always shaken me up but now i finally start to see the beauty in them

[gem-poetry]

it seems like there is no end to this dance, to facing mirrors and only seeing your eyes

[gem-poetry]

i can't stop linking our fingers, your eyes the ground i planted my roots and i am not ready for the wildfire yet

[gem-poetry]

am i really a part of you?

because i feel like you would forget me as soon as i stopped breathing deep enough, stopped firing bullets to capture the edges of your vision, fading into shadows instead of constellations.

i have a bad memory, you say, and i think of the sunflowers you planted in her garden, their face lighting up your lockscreen when it hits 11:11, your voice soft as you draw bandages for his wounds.

i am just no good with numbers, you claim with a steaming cup of tea clenched in your hand, and i can't help but pass you two sugars

[gem-poetry]

i wrote your name in the stars, please guide me home

[gem-poetry]

i was born lucky but it didn't stick in the right places, kept me breathing but never living