Lexei

she / her | 25 | 🏳️‍⚧️ | 🕎 Mostly writing about emotional neglect, abuse etc as a trans woman lol

[enbaluka-tokyo-drift]

[gemaradyke]

I feel like im rotting. I’ve developed bedsores on my legs and butt. They hurt and they spread and i dont know how to treat them. All i want to do is sleep and apparently that is also beginning to destroy my body.

The level of effort required for me to feel comfortable in my presentation to go outside is significant. The level of energy I have each morning is basically nothing. I dont buy groceries. I dont clean my house. My space gets more and more uncomfortable. My body gets weaker. It gets harder and harder for me to function.

My body just starts sprouting open wounds that wont go away. Its more and more difficult for me to feel like its worth being alive. The whole world wants me dead. I already carry so many wounds. The world is falling apart. Why should I keep going. Whats the point

[gemaradyke]

Just put me down at this point

[gemaradyke]

Admittedly this doesn't have the rigor (lol) of my usual posts but I sometimes worry as a transsexual woman and a lesbian that I will never be allowed to be a bottom.

When I express my desire to bottom, I don't want to be met immediately, every time, with direct or indirect requests that I commit to providing some similar sexual service in return. Is there no one who genuinely just wants to top a trans woman? Who isn't doing it as a begrudging favor with the expectation of reciprocity?

Its not like I never want to give my partners sexual attention or make them feel special and desired. Its just that the moment I attempt to present myself as an eager, delicate, fertile sexual being, my partner insists the moment be about them too. Are you not excited as a lesbian to have a woman wish to show you her body? To want you to touch it? Can you really not exist sexually outside of being the singular object of desire and attention?

And before someone tries to suggest I am guilty of exactly that, I am writing this because I have really never been given that simple privilege. Of just being a bottom. A pretty girl you want to fuck. I've done my time.

[gemaradyke]

A simple metaphor, when birds of paradise perform mating rituals, the male puts on a certain display and the female accepts or not.

In my case as a lesbian, I make myself, my body, my softness, my vulnerability available to you. Accept or reject me, fine. But trying to hijack the moment and give the same display back, how cruel do you have to be? I want you to receive me in this moment with affection and desire. And all you show me is greed and indifference.

[gemaradyke]

Admittedly this doesn't have the rigor (lol) of my usual posts but I sometimes worry as a transsexual woman and a lesbian that I will never be allowed to be a bottom.

When I express my desire to bottom, I don't want to be met immediately, every time, with direct or indirect requests that I commit to providing some similar sexual service in return. Is there no one who genuinely just wants to top a trans woman? Who isn't doing it as a begrudging favor with the expectation of reciprocity?

Its not like I never want to give my partners sexual attention or make them feel special and desired. Its just that the moment I attempt to present myself as an eager, delicate, fertile sexual being, my partner insists the moment be about them too. Are you not excited as a lesbian to have a woman wish to show you her body? To want you to touch it? Can you really not exist sexually outside of being the singular object of desire and attention?

And before someone tries to suggest I am guilty of exactly that, I am writing this because I have really never been given that simple privilege. Of just being a bottom. A pretty girl you want to fuck. I've done my time.

[gemaradyke]

I definitely get accustomed to being someone’s cute lil thing they like having around to look at and grope sometimes.

Not anything deserving of a title. Not anything which would grant me respect or love. Just a spank here, a lewd remark there.

I think theres almost nothing worse for my self esteem. Teaching myself that the most I can hope for is to be casually molested but never worthy of real affection.

No one wants to be seen with the trans woman. Sometimes even admitting you love her in private is too much.

[gemaradyke]

Maybe its relevant that no one has ever made love to me for my pleasure. Because they loved me. Because they desired my body and wanted me to know and feel beautiful. Because my pleasure made them happy. Because they cared about me. That ive never known a touch that cherished me and cared for my body.

Maybe its hard for me not to feel hurt and bitter about love when I've only ever been raped, molested, or had care extracted non-reciprocally from my body.

Maybe theres only so much healing that my own work and self love can do, when still no one has ever shown me I deserve anything else.

[altar-ov-plagues]

VON

[gemaradyke]

was the right to female spaces promised to you 100 years ago?

Come off anonymous coward

[gemaradyke]

TME I know told me how they go to this free women’s only night at a sauna because the place “doesn’t define what a woman is” and so they just lie and say they are one. Who is invading womens spaces again?

Same person told me they started using women’s bathrooms again after like 5 years on T and lo and behold they kept getting confronted about it. WE DONT WANT YOU IN OUR SPACES.

[gemaradyke]

I wake up and put my feet on the floor.

Ants are marching in their thousands, I dropped a chip. Its been raining.

Its fine, I can share my home.

I get up and shudder at every place I see where __ stood.

Terrified __ will be there again.

Another violation of my body I allowed

I feel weak, cold. Shame, disgust.

I think i went back to bed until my appointment.

Im paranoid ill see ___ everywhere I go.

The laser tech is nice to me.

Nicer than the usual one.

Does that mean something?

I get home and my driveway is blocked. He walks over.

Yeah I can wait.

Of course I can wait. Wouldn’t want to cause any trouble.

I chainsmoke. Im shaking on and off all day.

I read as it gets late. The book is kind of shit.

But this woman is suffering a dull nightmare in the background of every day she lives.

It feels familiar.

Oh thats probably too many ants.

Ill have to take the bag to the trash.

I already locked up. Because I’m scared __ will come to my house.

__ knows where I live.

Whats left of me.

When I say yes yes yes.

The ants can have

Everything.

[gemaradyke]

I don’t want to be a comfort object. I want my feelings, and my wellbeing, to matter.

I see the comfort my body brings to others. My labour.

I make myself numb so they can take as much as they need. Sucking on my tits like a baby. Leaving me hollowed out.

Leaving an insidious numbing pain. I want to smash my skull against a wall.

I want safety. I want to be held all night and never touched with lust.

I want to be a child. Without having to be a mother, and a whore.

[gemaradyke]

Most of the sexual advances I receive (from men, and tmes) as a transsexual woman at the very least involve them wanting me to top them. And often they want some insane violent or taboo fantasy out of me like they want me to r*pe them or humiliate them or be their mommy or their big sis or something.

This is literally how they see us. They want us to be their sex monsters. Can they not imagine that perhaps a woman wants to be made to feel delicate and vulnerable in the bedroom.

Also I very clearly indicate in my dating profiles that I'm a sub and a bottom. And then when I perhaps curtly refuse to r*pe and sodomize someone I'm told to fix my attitude. Ok.

Its also the constant denial of desire. So many people touch me, grope me, catcall me, hit on me inappropriately, always with the veil of a 'joke' so they can avoid any consequences. But they never want to say to my face, I want you, you excite me, your body is beautiful, I desire you. That would be too much.

You'll grab my tits without asking but then when I want you to tell me you want me, you're not sure. You'll sexualize me constantly, but then when I want your attention, you're not into me like that.

You're humiliated to admit you desire me. So you r*pe me with your words and your touch instead. Because that means something different. Not desire, but despisal.

A corollary to all this is when I do insist on my sexuality, when I am unabashedly soft and ask to be treated as such, I'm met with disgust. I get laughed at when I try and be the little spoon. Raising that I've never once been held by them leads my partner to end the relationship. Demonstrating my yearning desperate, vulnerable desire for someone is met with ridicule. I'm no fun when I actually insist on being treated as a woman. Rather than a sex toy.

[gemaradyke]

Ok totally disagree with alot of the shit i used to write on here

[gemaradyke]

Imagine if a thick af furry hentai bitch respected ur boundaries and was generous in giving you time to understand your feelings and let them grow and develop before you were intimate together and made it clear that there was no expectations either way

[marciemonides]

:)

[gemaradyke]

When I love myself everything changes

I always want to be soft 

Something hurts and it comes out in cruelty 

(I can smell blood coming from my labret, I'm alive) 

The caged animal snarls and throws itself against the bars

Every muscle constricted poised ready to attack terrified angry hurt too many times 

I lay my hands on myself, look, touch her with love

She deserves this attention 

Self understanding is embodied over every moment we live 

To take that knowledge and choose to love yourself is profound 

That love can change you 

Smiling at the ground, kicking your feet hands pressed against the bench 

You know her 

You know her depth, what she's been through, how she overcame it 

That's worth a smile

She's a nice girl 

She's not in a cage anymore 

She knows more than just pain from the world 

(Sleep naked)

Liking herself 

She can feel how soft the grass is, and the warmth of the breeze