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@genderfluidneurodivergent
Introduction Time!!
I kind of forgot that I do infact exist on here and people do look at my blog, so hiya!
My name is AJ, I use they/he pronouns as well as any neopronouns, I'm neurodivergent, I make art and I'm writing a book
Writing tag is #AJ writes
Phases of the Moon - Part 7
Sirius owed them all an explanation. They deserved to know. So, he sat down and told it, the whole story, from the beginning.
He got the letter at dinner. He could tell where it was from immediately, snatching it out of the air and tucking it into his robes.
Once James had gone out with his quidditch friends and their room was left dim and empty, Sirius fished the letter from his pocket and stared at the dark green stationery.
“What do you want, you slimy bustard?” He posed out loud, tearing the paper before him.
Dearest Sirius, I hope this letter finds you well and you are excelling in your studies, as expected of a noble Black. Anyways, I will skip the pleasantries, you wouldn't believe what I've been hearing about your sister. Apparently, she has been dressing up in men's clothing, pretending to be a gentleman when out on the town. Outrageous, isn't it? I plan on bringing it up with the family at our next meeting, so expect the repercussions sooner than later. Myrtle should bring news of this strange behaviour to the school, keeping the rest of the family in thr loop. I'm sure you'll be able to talk some sense into your sister, coupled with her peers finding out about her tomfoolery, should be quite enough to put a halt to her mischief. Warmly, Bella
Sirius couldn't believe what he had just read. His mind was reeling, a ball of dread forming in his stomach. This could not be happening. His breaths were uncomfortably shallow as he made his way towards the kitchen, a small light illuminating the cold stone counter. He splayed his palms on it, begging his body to cool down. He was hunched over the sink, panting, his heart racing, unable to keep his thoughts in one place. He screamed.
He didn't know what to do. There was nothing he could do. Bella made that quite clear.
The letter was simply a courtesy so she could say she'd sought out his opinion, making him squirm with inaction, so distraught that he couldnt bear to reply.
The wasn't a new strategy.
Anger boiled to the surface of Sirius’ mind as he paced the kitchen, the room swiming through his tears.
He needed to find Reggie.
Slamming his dorm door behind him, he made his way towards the Slytherin common room.
He uttered a curse as the door didn't let him in as it usually did, but it quickly flew open, a group of rowdy second years ignoring him as they talked loudly amongst themselves. Sirius slipped into the dim and almost smokey room, his eyes ping-ponging through the decor and the new additions since he was last here.
“Regulus isn't here, mate,” someone said from one of the leather armchairs that Sirius was standing behind.
“Where is he?”
“I wouldn't have a clue,” Severus’ voice cut through the stillness of the room as he emerged from a corner.
The student in the armchair stood up, “Me neither, sorry mate.”
Severus disappeared again, leaving Sirius staring at this tall blond boy, glasses framing his face, a crystal goblet in his hand.
“Drink?” He asked, raising his glass slightly, motioning towards an open bottle on a nearby table.
Sirius wasn't one to deny a drink, and he needed to do something, anything to fix this mess for Reggie. He'd have a better chance at intercepting any of his familial rumors, or running into Regulus if had an excuse to stay in the dorm.
His anger towards his family boiled over, he gripped the glass in his hand tight enough to leave an imprint on his palm. Maybe he just needed to forget.
He poured himself a glass, “Thanks,” he said after a first sip, taking a seat next to the boy.
Almost suddenly, Sirius was in the corridor, a bottle in his hand, he was lifting it to his lips, the liquid burning his throat as he swallowed.
He needed to see Moony, Moony would know what to do, he knew just that.
Stumbling, he silently bargained with the stairs towards the girls dorm, slurring his words as he grabbed the door handle. It was locked.
He needed an excuse, he couldn't very well seek out Moony while he was drunk, it just looked poorly.
“Prongs! Let me in, you idiot!” He decided on an alibi, banging on the door until he heard Moony’s footsteps.
Phases of the Moon - Part 6
“J’enmerde cette école, Sirius!” Regulus yelled, his anger filling the space between him and his brother, “C’est un système elite qui s’en foutent seulement de ceux qui ont le sang pure!” he air quotes the last word, a look of disgust, of shame, crossing his face.
“Reggie, it’s okay, we’ll figure it out, we’ll sort it, I promise,” Sirius was practically pleading, sadness clouding his voice.
“Comment tu va y arriver, hein? L’argent de papa? Les sorts de maman?”
Sirius was trying to be reasonable, trying to de-escalate this, but Regulus had always known how to mash his buttons, violently and with precision.
“Tu sais bien que je serait le dernier a tirer la carte de noble!” Sirius hissed, stepping closer to Regulus.
“Vraiment, monsieur ‘j’connais parler au fantomes?’”
“T’a tirer ca d’ou, là?” Sirius spat, turning on his heels and starting to pace.
“C’est toi qui a tout dit a Myrtle, ce qui m’a mise dans cette putain de situation and c’est tout de ta-” Regulus’ voice starts to break.
“Quel bordel est-tu racconte? Tu me prend réelement pour un connard?”
“Tu jure que t’a rien dit a Myrtle?”
“Jurer, sur ma collection de musique.”
Regulus looks Sirius up and down, processing what just happened.
“Tes enregistrements? T’est serieux?”
“Listen, as much as I love to hear what I can only assume is a bunch of swearing, can we go back to English? I would like to participate in whatever yelling this is,” Sirius and Regulus turn to face James, who’s leaning on the counter, a quidditch magazine and his wand in hand.
Sirius pushes through the shock first, “What- How- What did you-?”
Regulus interrupts, “You wouldn’t want to know, James, we were fighting over who gets to take a certain someone to the Yule Ball.”
Relief flashes over Sirius’ face, until Regulus winks and James, before casually making his way out the door.
“Is your brother, um, flirting with me?” James laughs, moving to sit on the couch.
Sirius doubles over laughing, falling onto the couch in the process. They grin at each other for a second, before James flips through his magazine. He looks over the top of it, his glasses pushed dangerously low on his nose, and puts on a serious air.
“Just because you seemingly figured it out, and your brother bothered to save you from dangerous rambling by flirting, doesn’t mean you don’t have to tell me absolutely everything,” James puts down his magazine and leans his elbows on his knees, enticing Sirius, “Please, tell all.”
Phases of the Moon - Part 5
TW : Self harm
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius said quietly, taking a seat on Remus' bed.
“You were plenty busy,” James replied, settling into a chair.
“You don’t have to take care of everyone all the time, Si,” Remus croaked, his eyes still closed.
Both James and Sirius sighed with relief, thankful that Remus was awake.
“Hi Moons,” Sirius said, placing his hand in Remus’ reach, unsure whether his lover would want that kind of affection in public.
Remus quickly took Sirius’ hand, eliciting a laugh from James. They looked at him quizzically, both wondering if he was judging them.
“Finally! Lily and I had been betting on when you’d get together!” James just about screeched.
“Really Potter? Ganging up against us?” Sirius asked, mockingly offended.
“Yeah, whatever. Can I tell Lily?” he asked, heading for the door.
“I'm pretty sure she knows, but go ahead,” Remus said, sneering.
James waved bye and made his exit, hoping to avoid Lily, as he may or may not owe her 5 Galleons.
“Lily said we’d get together before the end of this year,” Remus explained, “and James said we’d get together during the summer,”
“That’s a bit of a time frame,” Sirius chuckled, before letting a comfortable silence settle over them, the hospital wing empty, except for the two boys.
He thought about their friends scheming behind their back, betting money on their romantic endeavors, he found it intriguing that they were so sure, and he wondered what gave it away.
“James said he knew, for a while, before I told him,” Remus said, seemingly having gone down his own rabbit hole of thoughts.
Sirius didn’t have a chance to respond before Remus continued, “Even when I was hiding, people knew, they knew I was different, and, they knew, and…”
Remus’ voice trailed off, panic and sadness overtaking him. Sirius ran a hand through his lover’s hair, wiping tears from his face.
“Moons, it’s okay. You’re safe,” Sirius said, “deep breaths,” he exaggerated his breaths, helping Remus get his breathing back to normal.
When Remus’ tears stopped rolling, he gained a little more composure.
“Can I tell you about what happened?” he asked quietly, tracing circles into Sirius’ palm.
“Of course Moons, I’m here to listen,” Sirius replied, moving to sit beside Remus.
Remus takes a deep breath, swinging his legs off the bed.
Sirius eyes are drawn to him, he takes in the puffy scars and dried blood littered down his lovers legs.
“Who did this to you?” Sirius asked, angered.
“You’ll be mad,” Remus said, burying his legs under the covers again, wondering if he’ll regret letting Sirius in on this part of him, if it’ll make Sirius think less of him.
“I might be mad, but that’s not your fault, and if I act on my anger, that’s not your fault either,” Sirius said simply.
“It was me,” Remus said in a small, far-away voice, his heartbeat accelerating.
“Oh Moons,” Sirius said, taking Remus in his arms.
Both boys sat together for a while, both of their faces tear stained.
“I don’t know why I did it,” Remus admitted, sniffling, “I’m just tired of looking for a solution, that really doesn’t seem to exist,”
Sirius wanted to be able to comfort Remus, to help him, but he had no idea what kind of solution he was looking for.
“Love, what kind of solution are we talking?” Sirius asked, hoping he had the right idea.
“You know, the boy problem, or the not boy problem,” Remus said, laying on Sirius’ chest.
It clicked in Sirius’ brain immediately, “Moony, you know you’re a boy regardless of if you look like one or not, right?”
“Yeah,” Remus said reluctantly.
“You’re my boyfriend, and I love you,” Sirius kissed Remus, “And none of that is conditionally on you looking like a boy now, or in the future,”
He continued, “But if you’d really like a solution,” he placed air quotes around the last word, “I might be able to help,”
Remus’ brain ran wild, excitement, confusion and unease ran through his veins. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he trusted Sirius, and maybe he really did have a solution.
“Now,” Sirius was sure he could offer Remus a treatment he had never heard of, “Would you like to tell me where you have been looking for these solutions?”
“In the restricted section,” Remus replied quickly.
“Have you checked any muggle books?”
“I don’t really know where to find any,”
Sirius shimmied out of the covers, pressing a kiss to Remus’ head, “Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back,”
Remus laughed to himself as Sirius dashed out of the hospital wing. He’s glad that his lover doesn’t seem to think less of him, and is so eager to help him find a solution.
The next day, Remus was discharged from the hospital, with some slight sweet talking to Madame Pomfrey.
“He’ll be safe with us, and Lily will make sure we’re not doing anything reckless,” Sirius had said to her the day before.
Now Remus, Regulus, James and him were sitting in their dorm, giving Remus a crash course about going on testosterone.
Regulus had found all the pamphlets he was given when he started T and Sirius was miraculously able to find the changes and side effect form that he needed to sign so that Reggie could go on T.
James was just being a supportive cis friend, and occasionally commenting on random things he remembered from his puberty experience.
“I definitely think puberty made me realize that I like men,” he said, after Regulus had pointed out that a lot of trans people felt more comfortable exploring their sexuality once they felt comfortable in their body.
“Or maybe I just met Sirius,” James said cheekily, winking at Sirius.
Remus scoffed, “Are you trying to steal my boyfriend, Potter?”
“Maybe,” James admitted jokingly.
Remus left the boys dorm, brain swirling with new information. Sirius had tried to convince him to stay, until James pointed out that they were currently housing Reggie, and that would mean that Remus would have to sleep on the couch. Sirius went back and forth with him, eventually retracting his proposal.
“Sorry Moons, I have to sleep with my asshole brother, so that my hiding from his housemates brother can sleep alone,” Remus was quite confused by that statement, but secretly thankful that he could sleep in his own bed to attempt to process this whole afternoon.
He kissed Sirius, and ducked out the door.
He heard James yell, “Get a room!” followed by, “Oww!” presumably from Sirius hitting him with a pillow.
Laughing to himself, he found his way to his dorm, flopping down onto the couch.
Phases of The Moon - Part 4
Regulus paced the hallway, debating knocking on the door.
His breaths were shallow and rushed, not even the clacking of heels brought him out of his thoughts.
“Reggie? What are you doing here?” Sirius asked, slightly shocked at the sight of his brother in the Gryffindor quarters.
“I- Well, there’s- I don’t know,” Regulus managed before his voice started cracking, letting a hushed sob through.
Sirius took his brother into his arms, whispering, “It’s okay, you’re safe,”
The door eased open, James stepping through on his way to the library. He took one look at the brothers and ushered them inside, clearing his current homework off the couch.
“What happened?” he mouthed to Sirius over Regulus’ shoulder.
Sirius didn't let his panic show on his face and just shrugged in response, letting Regulus take a seat. James seemed to remember something and dashed off through the door.
“What happened?” Sirius questioned, sitting next to his brother.
Regulus’ eyes searched the sitting room, eventually landing on a pen James had left. He picked it up and fiddled with it.
“I can’t go back there, I really can’t,” he swallowed, begging to keep the tears at bay.
Sirius waited for him to go on, wondering what in the world could have gone on to bother Reggie this much. Regulus didn’t explain, only uncapping the pen, and starting to doodle on his arm.
Sirius twiddled his thumbs for a while, not wanting to leave Regulus alone, eventually deciding he would get homework done in the living room so that he could keep close to Regulus.
He summoned his books and a piece of parchment, quickly grabbing the pen from his brother.
“Hey! Give it back!” he yelled, pouncing on Sirius.
Sirius easily gave up the pen, groaning, “Take it, just don’t go anywhere while I get a quill,”
He quickly gathers what he needs from his room, setting up his homework on the table next to Reggie’s impromptu tattoo station.
They settled into a comfortable rhythm, both working on their tasks, stopping to show each other what they had accomplished so far.
“They know my deadname, Si,” Reggie said quietly, scribbling on his forearm.
“Oh fuck,” Was all Srius could manage as he clenched his jaw, his hands balled in fists.
“They just won’t stop! And I’m sick of it! I just want to go away!” Regulus crumbled, sobbing harshly, pacing back and forth.
He dug his fingernails into his skin, leaving crescent-shaped marks up and down his arms.
“Hey, don’t do that, you’re ruining your doodles,” Sirius said, hoping to snap his brother out of this spiral.
“I don’t care, they can be ruined, I can be ruined, it doesn’t matter!” Regulus grumbled, pacing faster.
Sirius remembers the years he was like this, not much being able to console him. Until he remembered what James used to do and still had to do sometimes. He grabbed a pillow and threw it at Regulus’ head. He effectively stopped pacing, turning to Sirius.
“What was that for?”
“To get you out of your thoughts,”
Regulus stared at him, his eyebrows arched in disbelief.
“Seriously, I get the whole panic thing, but it might help to look at this logically, like plan it out and stuff,” Sirius brushed this off as a spur-of-the-moment thought, when he was really stealing what Lily had said when she caught him spiralling.
“Okay, what do you have in mind?” Regulus asked, reluctantly.
“You gotta track down who told people and murder them!” Sirius announced far too much enthusiasm within his tone.
Regulus just stared at him, waiting for the non-satire answer.
Sirius cracked quickly, unveiling a solid plan that would keep Regulus away from most of the Slytherins, while they figured out the best way to get them to stop bullying him.
It started with a trip in the invisibility cloak.
They crept slowly into the Slytherin commons, both here for the second time today, narrowly avoiding the last pupils leaving for their classes.
Sirius shuffled forward, running straight into Regulus. “C’mon, we have to get out of here!” he grumbled, staring daggers at Reggie, frozen in front of him.
“I can’t do it, I really can’t,” he admitted quietly.
“Okay, so you sit here,” Sirius said, pointing out a loveseat closest to them, “just tell me where to go,”
Regulus took a seat, shocked that his brother was willing to help him like this.
Sirius stared at his brother, tear tracks lining his face, on the same seat Sirius was drinking on not even a quarter of a day ago. Sirius’ thoughts spin. He could have done more. He should have done more. He could have fixed this before it even got back to Reggie, but he didn't. He was always powerless in the face of his family.
Reggie snapped him out of his thoughts with a whisper, “Go down that hall and to the right, everything is in my trunk,”
Sirius took off down the hallway, only to find the room in total disaster. Regulus’ trunk was strategically tucked under his bunk, leaving it untouched. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, scanning the room for anything else that might belong to Regulus.
He made his way back to the commons, stopping right behind Regulus, whispering, “Get in bitch, we’re going to therapy!”
“God, do you really have to scare me any chance you get?” Regulus said, elbowing Sirius in the ribs.
“OW! I’m the only reason you were able to do all this,” Sirius snapped, leading them out of the room.
“I could have borrowed the cloak from James, and Remus would happily let me bunk with him and Lily,”
Sirius just smiled, overwhelmed with the thought that Regulus may never need to feel the horrors of being really, truly, alone. He hoped he always felt comfortable around his friends, around their little family.
“Oh good, you’re back,” a voice came from the kitchen as Sirius opened the door, “Remus is in hospital again.”
Phases of the Moon - Part 3
“Love,” Sirius whispered, not quite breaking the silence, “What’s your name?”
“You know my name,” Moony said, lifting his head and raising an eyebrow in Sirius’ direction.
“No, your new name,” Sirius prompted, hoping he hadn’t horribly misread this situation.
“Oh,” Moony’s thoughts spun, “well, you can keep calling me Moony, if that’s easier.”
“No, love, tell me your name, your real name,” Sirius spoke gently, tracing circles on Moony’s hands.
Remus took away his hand to chew his knuckle, his heart hammering in his chest, “My name is Remus,”
“Remus,” Sirius repeated, “I like it,”
“Remus, can I kiss you?” Sirius asked, toying with his own fingers now.
“Sure, I’d like that,” Remus said, pressing his lips to Sirius’.
Sirius was the first to pull away, another question on his mind.
“What about pronouns?” he asked quickly, running his fingers through Remus’ hair.
“He and they are good,” Remus replied, eagerly kissing Sirius again.
A few moments later, another break, “What about nicknames? Can I call you Moony? Can I say that you’re my boyfriend?”
“So many questions,” Remus said, rolling his eyes, amused, “Yes, you can call me Moony, nicknames that aren’t too fem are fine, and Sirius Black, are you asking me to be your boyfriend?”
“Yes, Remus Lupin, I am asking you to be my boyfriend.”
“Well, I’ll have to think about it,” Remus said, leaning in, taking Sirius’ bottom lip between his teeth.
Moments later, Remus threaded his hands through Sirius’ hair, “Of course I’ll be your boyfriend, my star,” Moony mumbled through the kiss, the words resonating with him the way binding for the first time or being read as a guy did.
Sirius’ brain came to a halt, taking in what Remus had just said; calling him his star, calling him his boyfriend, how was one supposed to process this?
“I love you,” was all Sirius could manage, kissing Remus deeper as he said it.
“I love you too,” Remus replied, smiling against Sirius’ lips.
----
After a particularly tense Muggle History class, the air was thick and warm as the marauders left the stone walls in favour of the hallway, filled with a slight breeze, only moving the air around, but relieving nonetheless. Sirius heard snickering behind the three boys, immediately identifying the hushed voices.
Suddenly, Remus took off running, vanishing into a doorway further down the hall.
The Slytherins ground Sirius’ gears, but he couldn't imagine how angry they made Remus, how thoroughly he was done with their bullshit. Sirius walked faster towards the door Remus had gone in, signalling to the others to go ahead, they would catch up. Then, Sirius ducked into the girls' lavatory.
“Love, please open the door,” Sirius said, seeing Remus' shoes under a locked stall. When Remus didn't answer, he began examining the strange configuration of the marble sinks right past the doorway before he was startled out of his thoughts.
“He comes here to cry sometimes,” Moaning Myrtle announced quite loudly.
“Shut up, Myrtle!” Remus managed through quiet sobs.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Sirius asked, leaning on the stall door.
“He’d be pretty happy if you gave him your dick,” Myrtle commented, drifting through the stalls.
“No! Shut up! Both of you, just leave me alone!” Remus yelled, his voice quivering.
He heard Sirius’ platform boots thud against the tile floor, followed by the swish of the ghost seemingly following. He was truly alone now, he could cry. He let his lip quiver and loud sobs escape his lips.
Remus had lost all concept of time by the time he heard a knock on the stall door.
“I brought chocolate,” Sirius said quietly, unsure of how to best help his lover.
Remus wiped at his eyes, taking a breath and unlocking the door. He stood outside the stall to find Sirius sitting under the sinks, chocolate and one of his jumpers in hand.
“How are you like this?” Remus chuckled in disbelief, wondering how in the world he ended up with someone who knew him so well.
Remus shrugged on the jumper, grabbing Sirius’ hand to lead him towards the floor by the window.
“I like to sit up here when I’m sad,” he said gently, unable to properly describe how he was actually feeling.
Sirius opens the chocolate, taking a bite and handing the bar to Remus, who breaks off a piece.
“Why would you bite a chocolate bar?” Remus asked, playing offended.
“Oh excuse me, Mr. I eat my chocolate with a knife and fork!” Sirius shoots back.
This gets a laugh out of Remus, enough to distract him from the source of his sorrows, and allows Sirius to snatch the chocolate.
He takes a bigger bite this time, chewing with his mouth open, “Does this offend you, police chief of eating chocolate?”
Remus grins at this, “Yes, yes it does, and I am fining you for it!”
“Oh dear god, no,” Sirius replied dramatically, pressing the back of his hand to his temple, crumbling to the floor.
“A fake faint? That is another fine for you, Mr Black,” Remus said in his best professor voice.
“And how do I pay these fines, Mr Lupin?” Sirius asked, mock confusion in his tone.
“Oh, well, of course, you must kiss me!” Remus announced, joy overtaking his features.
“Of course!” Sirius said, moving towards Remus, taking his face in his hands.
Later, Remus’ head is in Sirius’ lap, Sirius running his hands through his lover's hair.
“You want to tell me why you were hiding in here?” Sirius asked quietly.
“Not really,” Moony replied, looking up at Sirius to judge his reaction.
“Alright, I’m here if you want to talk,” Sirius said, leaning down to kiss Remus’ hair.
“Eewww! Get a room!” Moaning Myrtle seemingly reappeared, groaning in disgust.
“This is a room, Myrtle,” Sirius said, “You can leave, if me kissing my boyfriend bothers you that much,”
“Whatever, Black,” Myrtle said, drifting into one of the stalls.
“You’re on a last-name basis with her?” Remus questioned, sitting up.
“It’s a family thing, it’s, uh, complicated,” Sirius answered, seeming unable to explain further.
Phases of the Moon Pt. 2
Remus had spent much of the last week in a makeshift window seat on the second floor. Although the cement he was sitting on was uncomfortable, it was better than running into Sirius, or interacting with anyone, really. He was able to get through a novel he’d been putting off reading, and he barely thought of Sirius. Barely.
He watched through the window as Sirius and James chased each other on their brooms. They flew swiftly through the air, ducking and dodging each other, narrowly avoiding the walls of Hogwarts and the trees that seemed to be leaning away from them, more than the wind would allow.
They had made a few laps around the castle before Sirius came to a halt, in front of the window Moony was crouched in.
“Hi,” he mouthed, his joy fading quickly, a sad smile replacing it.
Remus wanted to reply, to fix things, but he also wanted to never see Sirius again, so he turned away, crawling out of the window and making his way back to his dorm.
He staggered up the stairs, but they were always reluctant to let him up, instead leading him into the boys' dorms. This had always given Remus quite a bit of euphoria, but right now, he had somewhere to be. He willed the stairs to cooperate, making his way inside the dorm just before Sirius showed up.
“You should really go talk to him,” Lily persuaded.
“You should go talk to him!” Remus shot back, standing at the counter.
“Why would that help anything?” Lily gave him a confused glare, continuing, “This is an issue you boys need to sort out on your own.”
It’s times like these that Remus truly questioned whether Lily was actually twenty years older than the rest of them.
Somehow, Sirius had once again reached the door to their dorm. Even Remus had to do some heavy bargaining with the stairs, and none of his excuses would work for Sirius.
“Let me in! Lils, I’m sober this time!” Moony raised an eyebrow in Lily’s direction as she reached for the door.
“You have to settle this, you can’t live the rest of your life wondering what could have happened.” Lily’s words struck a chord; as much as he really didn’t want to talk to Sirius, he’d thought about what he would have said or done differently quite a lot lately.
The door swung open, Lily waved Sirius in, then retreated to her room. She mouthed “You got this” to Moony before closing her door.
“Hello, Black,” Remus said, sitting in an armchair, leaving Sirius to take the couch, which was far too big for one person.
“Hello, Lupin,” he replied, looking from Moony’s platform boots, to their jeans, to one of their old jumpers, finally looking up at their face. They held an emotionless expression, moving their eyes to look slightly beyond Sirius.
“Moons, I really shouldn’t have said those things. I know that you wouldn’t cheat on me. And I would never think that you’d be shagging a Slytherin.”
“What, ‘cause you don’t think they’re dying to get their hands on me?” he fired back, and with a quick change in demeanour, he continued, “Why are you even here, Black? It’s not like you’re ever going to accept me as your boyfriend!”
“Well, I know damn well the Slytherins are dreaming of snogging you, and even more of them will want you when you show them who you really are,” Remus seemed shocked by this response, his eyes darting from Sirius to the floor.
He continued, “And I think maybe you’ll want one of them more than you want me,” he whispered, almost too quietly.
“I could never want anyone more than I want you,” Remus whispered back.
They sat in silence for a while, until Moony moved next to Sirius on the couch. He rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder, grinning.
something something remus lupin being a werewolf is a metaphor for him being transgender
Water - a wolfstar microfic
Modern Coffee Shop AU ~ cw: mentions of suicide as a joke, mild transphobia, misgendering, dysphoria ~ word count: 1,499 ~ @wolfstarmicrofic
“I swear to god I’m going to kill myself if another customer starts giving me their order when all I’ve asked is ‘How are you.’” I made the joke even though I knew he’d hate it. Remus Lupin takes thoughts of my death very seriously, doesn’t even laugh when I say, ‘But my death will be Sirius!’
But I mean, no pun intended, I was Sirius about the comment.
Because, look, sometimes working in customer service feels like choosing between lying on asphalt naked on a boiling summer day and just sort of…walking into traffic just to make your headache go away.
That didn’t make sense, I know that, but I’ve worked two double shifts in as many days and I’m icing both of my feet and I wasn’t trying to upset my best friend by talking about my death by my own hand, but a woman who was almost certainly named Lauren had just completely ignored my frantic Be with you in a moment! as I nearly poured oat milk all over myself for the fourth time today to start telling me about the lavender latte she wanted ‘grande size’ when I don’t work at a Starbucks.
“It’s still not funny,” he’d said, too busy slowly pouring steamed milk into a mug to look me in the eye, but I knew exactly the expression he’d have used if he could.
“Fine, I’m going to scream, Shut the fuck up and wait one goddamn second or get the fuck out of the store! if another customer starts giving me their order when all I’ve asked is ‘How are you.’ Better?” I was whispering fast and sharp in his ear, ignoring the next Lauren in line who was trying to catch my eye.
He did look up at this, lifting a brow at me, his stupid mouth smirking just enough that only I’d notice. “Slightly.”
As my manager, maybe he should have preferred I opt for suicide, but Remus Lupin isn’t a capitalist pig like that.
The line was to the door, which meant muttering benign threats of bodily harm (to myself or the customers) was only going to delay my inevitable suffering. I moved on to the next Lauren, and the next, and then the Laurens and their Boyfriends, who were usually named John, and then the Laurens and their moms, who usually looked perturbed to be in a coffee shop run by weirdo queers and eyed the mustache coming in on my face and my round cheeks, noted my voice that had the rasp of a 14-year-old boy and the cadence of someone raised to be a woman pandering to societal standards (no matter how hard I tried to drop the sound of a question mark at the end of my sentence, or encouraged myself to talk like the concept of the name Brad), and evidently deduced that I was something rather than someone so once again answered, “How are you?” with a flat-toned, “Medium latte with nonfat milk,” without meeting my (queer) eye.
I opened my mouth, taking in a very large breath in preparation for my verbal assault, when I felt a body swerving in beside me. “How are you?” Remus asked her again, and Lauren’s Mom blinked at being asked another question.
“I’m fine, thank you,” her words were clippy, but at least he’d gotten an answer to the world’s most useless question. “Medium latte with nonfat milk, please.”
He’d even gotten a please.
I went to the bathroom.
When I returned, Remus asked casually, “Switch spots?” and didn’t mention that I’d just left him alone with an endless line on a Saturday morning when we didn't have a mid-shift so that I could sulk in the bathroom for five minutes, because again, he isn’t a capitalist pig. And also, he is kind of a saint.
So I made oat milk cappuccinos for people that asked us to put vanilla in them–in a cappuccino–for the next two hours until my brain slid out my ears, down my arms and into the espresso drain.
And then—
“Excuse me,” someone said in a tone that sounded very much like they did not care if anyone ever excused them, “I think she made my drink wrong. I was supposed to have a large oat milk latte. This is medium, and I’m pretty sure it’s whole milk.”
She made my drink wrong, she made my drink wrong, she made my drink wrong, my shoulders were so stiff they must have touched my ears. I looked down at my black tank top and my cut off shorts and my black doc martens and wondered if I should have washed my binders last night after all because maybe it wasn’t constricting my chest enough? I hadn’t even spoken, what did I do wrong? What did I do to earn she?
Remus leaned over the register, taking the cup from the customer. “He did not make your drink wrong. I called this drink out, a medium latte for Cathy. Your drink is a large oat milk latte for…” He checked the tickets waiting on the counter. “Helen?” The customer nodded, wide-eyed. “Yeah, your drink is still third in line.”
“Oh…” Helen sputtered, actively not looking at me. “I apologize, I didn’t realize.”
“Alright, well, we need to serve the next customer, so if you could just stand…” Remus gestured toward the other side of the bar, and Helen nodded, stepping back.
Even though the next person stepped forward, Remus turned to me. He didn’t ask with words, just his soft eyebrows.
I shrugged. “One more hour, right?”
At least, in the last hour, the lobby area was so full that many people opened the door and walked right back out. My feet ached so much I had to bounce between them for a moment of relief, my back pain was flaring up from my binder, and the clattering sounds from multiple groups’ loud chatter mixed with the music playing over the speakers created the most grating noise I’ve possibly ever heard.
When Marlene and Dorcas got there to take over for us, I almost kissed them on their beautiful lesbian mouths.
“That bad, huh?” Marls asked as she clocked in.
“What?” I questioned.
“You didn’t make a quippy joke when I came in, didn’t make up a song about how hard the day was, didn’t compliment my new shoes. You’re truly dead inside, so it must’ve been a rough shift.”
“Could’ve been dead on the outside, but Remus wouldn’t allow it.”
“I’ll be thanking him for that, then.”
“You ready?” He came up from behind me, touching my elbow just slightly. Somehow, even after a grueling morning with no mid-shift on an overly warm Saturday when we could have been lying out on the grass somewhere getting actual vitamin D, Remus was smiling, and his eyes meant it.
Like I said. Saint.
When we got into his car, he started it and cranked the air, but didn’t move to leave the lot. Leaning back in his seat, his shoulders facing forward, he rolled his head to look at me. “Wanna talk about it?”
I didn’t. But I did. Mostly I wanted to be around him as long as possible.
“There’s not much to say, right? Whatever. I don’t pass, it is what it is.”
He didn’t say anything.
“It’s just so fucking annoying that you pass so well,” I said, not thinking about it, and only heard how it sounded a few moments after. I winced. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, just, like, that woman you took over for me with, she even said please to you, when she couldn’t be bothered with me at all. Like, she fully thought you were a cis guy! I just don’t understand what I have to do!”
I hadn’t meant to get that worked up, but I’ll admit it now, I was nearly crying, the words clogging up my throat, each and every side glance and double take at the sound of my voice clawing its way out of the recesses of my disassociated mind.
He reached a hand over the center console, hovering it over the hand I had resting on my water bottle, our silent way to ask, Can I touch you? I lifted my hand up to meet his in response.
“I’m sorry, Sirius. This part of transitioning just…sucks.” His fingers were warm resting directly over mine, and I think I stopped noticing the pain in my back, my feet, my mind as much. “It’ll get easier eventually, but–yeah, until then,” he pressed his hand more firmly against mine, “I’m here.”
Anyway, Prongs, I think what I’m trying to say is I might be falling in love with my coworker/boss/best friend, and, um, help?
(Also, god I want to quit my job.)
(Also also, like exactly how bad would it be if I gave myself three T shots in one sitting?)
Terrified, Tired, Still Icing My Feet, Padfoot
FIN
A/N: DO NOT take more HRT than is prescribed to you by your doctor, no matter how much you want to, trust me, I've done it and I only got chastised and fucked my system up a bit. Also, would you guys want to read more of this little fic? No idea where it'd go, but I am fond of any iteration of wolfstar, so naturally I've already fallen in love with them. (Which is a little self-absorbed of me since Sirius was....heavily based on my own experience.) That being said, I did want to say that the customers at my coffee shop are much better than this--this was really more emulating the experience of working for Starbucks. 😆 all the hugs to my trans sibs reading this <3
This is possibly my favorite thing I've read in a while.
The "encouraged myself to talk like the concept of the name Brad" makes so much sense for some reason, and just makes me laugh
And the "What did I do to earn she?" hits so close to home
if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills.
Reminder that you are not inherently a terrible person just because you're a man/masculine. You're not disgusting, you're not a villain.
Phases of the Moon Pt. 1
Remus steadily eased the door to their dorm shut, returning from another one of his late-night searches through the library’s restricted area.
“Find anything interesting?” Lily asked from her seat on the couch.
“No, on either side, no way to make me feel like a girl, no way to make me look like a boy,”
“Remus, I agreed to cover for you so you could look for ways to be you, not change who you are,” Lily said sternly.
“But if there’s a way to fix me, I should be looking for that option too, no?” There was a genuine question in his voice, but the sorrow, the years it took for him to even acknowledge himself for who he was, hid deep in the same statement.
“Moon, you don’t need to be fixed, at all. You’re perfect just as you are, and the only goal of this search should be to make you more comfortable.”
Moony sat with that statement, letting his thoughts envelop him.
As Lily heard someone stumbling into the corridor, she called, “Not it!” snapping Remus out of his thoughts.
She briskly retreated to her room, passing the duty of answering the door to Remus.
“C’mon Lils, I answered last time!” he called to her, eliciting only a chuckle in response.
In the meantime, Sirius tripped his way up the stairs, disoriented and drunk.
“Prongs! Let me in, you idiot!” he hollered, banging on their door.
“Wrong room, love!” a call came through the door.
“Awww, Moony, you can let me in, can’t you? I’ll explain to McGonagall if we get caught!”
“Sirius, just go back to your own room!” Remus said sharply.
“Moons,” he drawled, “just let me in, I promise, it’ll be fine.”
Slowly, the door between them eased open, but neither of them had touched it. Remus turned around to find Lily, with her wand pointed at the door.
“I was sick of you two yelling for everyone to hear,” Remus glared at her as she moved towards him.
“It’s time to tell him,” she whispered in his ear, heading to the kitchen.
“You trying to steal my lover, Evans?” Sirius growled, stepping into the dorm.
“Of course not, Pads, they’re all yours!” She pours herself a mug of tea and retreats to her room.
“Moons!” Sirius grinned at his lover, going in for a kiss.
Remus dodged him, resisting Sirius’ smile, no matter how impossible it was. He had different things to worry about right now, like how to tell his lover, his star, something that could change everything.
“You should really be in your own room,” Remus groaned at Sirius, attempting to distract from the matter at hand.
“Oh, it's quite nice to see you too, Moony,” Sirius said sarcastically.
“You know that’s not what I meant, but this is the girls' dorm, and, well, how did you even get up here?”
“You know me, I have my ways, now are we gonna keep bickering, or are you going to kiss me?”
“Did you really come here just to kiss me? At 2 am?” Sirius ignored the question, instead taking in Moony’s outfit, trailing his eyes up and down Remus, in an oversized shirt and what Sirius could only assume were boxers.
His heart skipped a beat and then sank. Who’s boxers would Moony be wearing? Why would they be wearing anyone’s boxers? Why wasn’t Moony in Sirius’ boxers?
Sirius tried to say anything else, to answer the question, tell Moony why he was actually here, anything but ask about the boxers, but he just couldn’t. Moony was in someone else's boxers, he had to know who’s.
“Where’d you get the boxers?” Sirius asked, the anger seeping into his gravelly pitch.
“Don’t remember, I’ve had them for a while,” this is not how Remus had pictured this conversation.
“Has this really been going on for a while?” Sirius practically screamed, air quoting the last part.
“What?” Remus asked, his brows furrowed.
“You know exactly what!” Sirius shouted, pacing the room.
“I really don’t!” Moony warned, anxiety building in his chest.
“Just tell me who you’re shagging!” Sirius cracked, lunging towards Remus, towering over him.
“I’m not shagging anyone- I’m really not-” Remus staggered backwards, tears streaming down his face, breath coming in shallow sobs.
“Okay, if you’re not fucking anyone, then who’s boxers are those?”
“It’s not what you think!” Remus shouted back, his voice shaking.
“So who is it? One of the Slytherins?” he uttered the last word in disgust.
Remus’ thoughts spun, wondering what could make his lover think such a thing.
“No, Sirius, they’re mine!” Moony yelled, seeing Sirius cock his head in confusion, he continued “They’re my boxers! Okay?”
Remus broke down in tears, blubbering. He sank to the floor, his back pressed against the counter.
Lily emerged from her room, sternly eyeing Sirius as she poured a glass of water for Moony.
“You really couldn’t have handled that any better?” she says to Sirius, handing the glass to Remus.
“Well, they’re wearing boxers! What was I supposed to think?”
“You’re supposed to trust the person you’re with and be able to discuss things in a calm manner. And, while sober, preferably.”
“I was calm and slightly sober,” he seemed to take in what he said, “that’s a lie.”
“You should go,” Lily said quickly, before glancing at Moony, “that alright with you, love?”
Remus stayed still for a few moments before nodding.
Sirius stalks over to the door before looking back at Remus, sorrow flashes across his eyes, rapidly replaced by unease. He quickly turned around, slamming the door behind him.
As soon as Sirius was out the door, Remus sank further into the floor, banging the back of his head on the counter.
“I just thought he’d get it, Lils! I didn’t think he’d accuse me of cheating!” he bawled, pushing his fists into his eyes. “Do I really seem like a cheater? Someone who would shag a Slytherin?”
“Of course not, Moon. Now stop hurting yourself and come sit with me.”
Remus makes his way to the couch, tears still clouding his vision, fury shaking his palms.
“He doesn’t deserve you,” Lily said quietly, laying a blanket on the two of them.
the marauders fandom really said "fuck JK Rowling they are all trans cuz I said so" and I think that's beautiful
Here's your reminder that no-one actually knows what they're doing in life either, we're all just role-playing as normal people, it's okay, calm down, have a sandwich and relax.
An aroace pride flag?
PERRY THE AROACE PRIDE FLAG??
my first favorite hobby is yapping. second is being extremely quiet and not talking ever at all ever.
Nd culture is being told you’re not nd just pubescent and emotional
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