Hey! It's me.

22 : she/her: BLACK 💜 welcome to my public online diary. where you can get to know me, judge me, and love me. 💜 CONTENT WARNING: it's gonna get super negative and self hating at times or most times so yeah. be aware. 💜 artwork in header by Marian Voicu

[halftruthsandhyperbole]

Today I learned

[ouijubell]

Free Audiobooks and Ebooks on OVERDRIVE.

Free Graphic Novels (DC, Marvel, Image, etc), Music, TV shows, and music on HOOPLA.

Free music that you can KEEP on FREEGAL

You are PAYING for all this with your tax money - USE THEM. Most likely systems will have all 3 or 2 out of 3, so if you aren’t sure call your local library’s reference/information desk and how you can get set-up or started.

[horrorinthegraveyard]

Hey, highkey from a library worker: 

Overdrive has a new mobile app called LIBBY I find it easier to use.  It’s the same content as Overdrive just better for mobile.  Overdrive and Libby both let you send items to your kindle as well.  

[tusks-and-tonics-deactivated202]

Can confirm Overdrive is amazing. 

I work in the largest library system in my state (17 branches in total).

I use it not only for ebooks, but movies as well.

Other FREE resources to check with your library for are:

Freegal Music (download and keep music, including current music)

Hoopla Digital (borrow ebooks, e-audiobooks, e-graphic novels, stream movies)

Kanopy (stream movies; also available on Roku!)

Axis360 (usually hot or just released ebooks)

If you don’t have a library card…

GET ONE!

If someone says libraries are a thing of the past…

BOOP THEM IN THE NOSE WITH YOUR KINDLE!

Don’t discount libraries as “quiet” places. 

THEY ARE ALIVE!!!

THEY ARE LOUD!!!

THEY ARE YOUR DOORWAYS TO KNOWLEDGE!!

[kingevangelista]

The Rise And Rise Of The Disposable Black Girlfriend

Black women are not magical negresses, whose sole aim is to help TV and film characters realise who they are and who they are supposed to be

[vasunarchive]

This is a resource post for all the Good White Person™s out there. You know, the ones who say things like “It’s not my fault I’m white! Don’t generalize white people!”, or “I’m appreciating your culture! You should be proud!”, or “Why do you hate all white people, look I’m a special snowflake who’s not racist give me an award for meeting the minimum requirements for being a decent human being”. Well, if you are actually interested in understanding racism and how it ties into cultural appropriation, please read instead of endlessly badgering PoCs on tumblr with your cliched, unoriginal arguments and repeating the same questions over and over.

On White Privilege aka don’t blame me just because I’m white:

It’s Not My Fault I Was Born White: Basics of White Privilege x

Racial Divide x

Endless Examples of White Privilege x

You Cannot Know What It’s Like To Be A Racial Minority x

Intersectional Feminism x

White Privilege Does Not Mean White People Have Perfect Lives x

White Privilege and White Supremacy: A Presentation x

You Will Never Experience Racism x

Understanding White Privilege x

White Privilege and Double Standards x

Systematic White Ignorance x

The Invisibility of White Privilege x

The Luxury of White Privilege x

White Privilege: The Harry Potter Analogy x

Privilege Denial Bingo x

Privilege and Cost x

Check Your Privilege 101 x

Whiteness x

Whiteness is Not A Culture x

White Privilege and Racism x

Deeply Embarrassed White People Talk About Race x

When White Anti Racists Talk About ~Their Struggle~ x

White Privilege As A System x

On Reverse Racism aka you are being racist against white people:

Are White People Racially Oppressed x

White People, the new Racial Minority x

People Don’t Value Pale Skin!! x

There Is No Such Thing As Reverse Racism x

Racism vs. Not Racism x

But White People Are Discriminated Against In Foreign Countries x

The Myth of Reverse Racism: Why Cracker is Not N**** x

Satire: A Step Wise Guide on Being Reverse Racist x

Racism Against White People vs. Racism Against POCs x

On Cultural Appropriation aka I’m just appreciating your culture:

The Basics x

Identifying Appropriation x

But When We Wear It … x

Why Can’t I Wear It (Hipster Headdresses) x

Not Yours x

If You Take The Bindi x

White People Do It Better x

Multiculturalism and Appropriation x

Cultural Appropriation and Portrayals In Print Media x

Diminishing the Cultural Significance of the Bindi x

The Cultural Appropriation Bingo x

Why We’re Fed Up of Your Responses x

Identities Are Not Costumes x

Hinduism And Appropriation x

Religion and Privilege x

Bindis Are Cool x

Exotic India x

What’s Wrong With Cultural Appropriation x

Racism, Bindis and Ganesh Tattoos x

BUT YOU’RE SPEAKING ENGLISH! x

Cultural Appropriation Trolls x

Guide to Being An Appropriating Douchefuck x

New Age ~Culture Mixing~ x

In case you’re tired of the prose, here’s poetry x

Why You Shouldn’t Wear A Bindi x

Appropriating and Sharing x

Our Culture is A Punchline Until It’s a Trend x

Homage Or Insult x

Tattoos and Appropriation x

Bollywood is Not Synonymous With Indian x

College Party Costumes and Stereotypes x

Dotheads x

Bindis and Racist Humour x

Hindu Iconography x 

Misuse of Hindu Iconography x

Your Appreciation Doesn’t Help Us x

Assorted Vials of White Tears and Miscellaneous Antidotes aka I can’t change that I’m white/not all whites are racist/we are all humans:

Unoriginal Arguments Refuted x

Quick Checklist: You Might Be Racist If x

Your Opinion Isn’t Necessary x

I’m Not Responsible For My Ancestors x

The Kumbayah Myth x

Proud to Be White x

Good White Person x

We Don’t Hate White People x

Brutality of Colonialism And Why You Can’t Tell Us To Forget the Past x

People Who Claim Not To See Race Are More Likely to Be Racist x

All Races are Beautiful Said the White Girl x 

Race Blindness Is A Luxury x

Well, You’re Racist For Calling Me Racist x

I’ve Read About Its Significance, I Know What It Means

Angry Because Someone Called You Racist x

We’re Not All Like That x

People Only Care About This Trivial Shit On The Internet x

I Can’t Apologize for Being Born White, It’s Not My Fault x

Why Can’t You Tell Me What I’m Doing Wrong x

It’s Easy to Be Color Blind When You’re White x

A Diagrammatic Guide To White Tears x

Conversations I’m Sick Of Having With White People x

Why Do You Hate White People x

I’m Trying To Be Cultured x

Sisyphean Conundrum x

What is Your Problem x

We Are All Human, We All Bleed Red x

It’s Just A Bindi x

How Not To Respond To Accusations of Racism x

I’m Italian And 0.009% Native American x

What White People Think Racism Means: A Venn Diagram x

White Guilt x

White Pride!!!111!!! x

I Like *Insert Foreign Country* I Want To Live There x

You Have So Much Hate, Fighting Fire With Fire Won’t Help x

BooHoo, Don’t Call Me Racist x

Not Everything Ended With Your Ancestors x

The Racist Reaction x

I Don’t See Why That Is Racist x

Crummy Apologies x

Okay. I agree. I’ve been socially conditioned not to notice racism and recognize my privilege. What can I do?

Listen x

A Step Wise Guide x

I don’t care about this bullshit; you’re making a big deal out of nothing, go home and delete your blog:

The Clueless White Person Bus x

[dynastylnoire]

for new followers

[black-rising-deactivated2018122]

these are the basics! please use these links! -D

[kemetic-dreams]

The Igbo Became Christians Through Terrorism And Not The Holy Spirit

MAJORITY OF THE IGBO ACCEPTED CHRISTIANITY THROUGH BRITISH TERRORISM AND NOT AN IMMEDIATE MINISTRATION OF THE HOLY SPIRIT. Now before you (the Igbo/African Christian) begin to tear yourself apart on this, I would want us all to pay attention and take these lessons of our history. If you must understand why the Igbo practice Christianity as opposed to Odinani, you must do your best to trace back to when it all started and how it all started. This is not an attack on Christianity as presently practiced by the Igbo – No. This is me educating you on why a good number of Ndi Igbo refused to become Christians and have remained with the ways of their ancestors (Odinani).

The Igbo people met the Europeans face to face in the nineteenth century and that collision was to change the Igbo history (both culturally and religiously). Although European slave traders had exported a great number of Igbo people from the Bight of Biafra to Europe, up until 1830, no European had penetrated the Igbo hinterlands. And so after the abolishment of slavery, Europe and America realized they needed other sources of economic interests in Africa; this drove them to venture into the Igbo interior. Between 1832 and 1854, expeditions up the Niger River risked devastation tropical disease, but they continued despite these risks.

The forceful introduction of Christianity to the Igbo cannot be separated from the quest of the British to annex the Igbo land; first as a business colony and then a political one. The traders made up their minds to control the trade along the Niger, which certain Igbo towns sat along. The British traders signed a merger in 1879 which resulted in the formation of the Royal Niger Company – a company whose forces and influence was vital in the suppression of the Igbo. To defend their position against the French traders and other British newcomers who had taken positions on the Niger, the company decided to seek a Royal Charter. They also started to conclude treaties with the Igbo and other African people living on the different parts of the river. According to these treaties/agreements, the Igbo communities accepted the sovereignty of the company, although it was clear that the Igbo signatories were not aware of the full implications of what they signed. Some of the treaties which gave the British trading companies control over the Igbo were also deliberately forged. But knowing full well that these papers which gave away certain rights of the Igbo were forged, the British consul went ahead and signed them. Oh what treachery!!!

Increasing European demand for palm oil and an expanding African demand for imported European goods encouraged the British to establish trading posts in Agbor/Aboh (in present day Delta state), Onicha (Onitsha), and Lokoja in 1857. Satisfied with the booming trade, a couple of Igbo communities welcomed European traders and missionaries to come and live among them (that was the Igbo mistake). But these friendly relations began to crumble during the depression of the palm oil business that followed in 1875. The drop in palm oil price and rise in the price of European manufactured goods led to trade disputes between the Europeans and the Igbo. Igbo chiefs collected tolls, duties or tributes to maintain the peace along the Niger River and the surrounding mainland. European traders paid these tolls initially, but when British gunboats began to patrol the river in the 1880’s, the Europeans arrogantly refused to pay their tolls. They made excuses about the chiefs not been able to provide enough security; so that led to the chiefs relaxing security. There was then an increase of robbery cases on European trading posts and vessels.

The British first act of terrorism was registered on the October of 1879. Following a report of mistreatment of British citizens, as a result of trade disputes, the British war office authorized Captain Burr to bombard Onicha (Onitsha). Mind you, Onicha was a town of armless civilians. But because the British people saw themselves as Gods, they went ahead to lay siege to a town of innocent Igbo people, just because a few British men were attacked in a quarrel (not killed). After bombarding Onicha for two days (in a manner akin to the Islamic State Militants of Today), Captain Burr led his men into the town and destroyed every object they could find. What other words could be used to describe this act if not terrorism. The warriors of Onicha fought back but were no match for the better-armed British, who were out to kill and dominate. And in 1883, three British warships shelled Agbo (Aboh) and killed its citizens, on the grounds that some Agbo citizens had attacked a British citizen. Of course, who would be silent in the face of bullying, which was the attitude of the British traders/citizens in Igbo land? They saw themselves as lords over the Igbo (Africans).

Now because the British army had succeeded in scaring the trading towns into partial submission by brute force, the missionaries in turn demanded for military security. Protecting the missionaries was more tactical than the traders. The Christian missionaries carried their propaganda into the heartlands and hinterlands of Igbo land, provoking indignation among the inhabitants. These missionaries were the first to venture deep into the Igbo villages; and their ignorant and biased opinions of the Igbo ways of worship were what set the tone for the British ambition to rule and to decimate Igbo religion. In light of the foregoing, Chinua Achebe said: “… The Igbo had adopted a conciliatory stance in their early dealings with the missionaries, because the Igbo religion was pacific and the Igbo themselves respected the religious views of other people. The Igbo usually listened patiently to the Christians and then expected the missionaries to pay equal attention to their own viewpoints. Some Igbo saw the missionaries as essentially harmless, and shrugged at the uncomprehending priests who fraternized with outcasts and gainlessly occupied themselves with preaching.” It is recorded that most missionaries painted ghastly pictures of Igbo society, which they sent back to Europe and incited European governments and traders against the Igbo.

The British colonial agents raided more villages in the guise of protecting the missionaries. They did these without recourse to how the proud Igbo natives would feel. They treated the Igbo man like a spineless sheep. But they never for once thought that the Igbo man would defend himself and his religion. The missionaries were emboldened by fierce British military presence, and so they intensified their assault and attack on Igbo customs. They saw their brutality as just; they referred to their campaign as a fight against darkness. Their misunderstanding of Igbo tradition was enough conviction for them to lay siege on a tradition which was over 5,000 years old – a tradition which had sustained the Igbo people. It took the Igbo a long while to realize that the missionaries were more dangerous than they appeared. In Obosi, the chiefs accosted Bishop Crowther and protested the pulling down of their objects of worship and shrines by the Christians. The Christian converts were demanded to confess the wrongs done to the Igbo Gods, pay for the damage, and promise not to repeat those wrongs again. In Illah and other villages to the South, the Igbo in defense of their religion, tradition and lives, burnt down churches and drove the Christians away. At that juncture, the Igbo felt betrayed and started to fight back. They had to repel the terrorists at their gates.

The Igbo decision to defend their age long religion and tradition from the abusive Christian missionaries led to more violence and attacks from the British army. The British army, under the Royal Niger Company, attacked various Igbo communities in guise of protecting the missionaries. Incited by missionary complaints that the people of Asaba still practiced human sacrifice, the company forces raided Asaba in 1888 and destroyed half of it. This type of careless attacks and oppression was to be recorded in various communities in Igbo land. The British, who nursed dreams of annexing Igbo land (politically), used the missionaries to infiltrate the Igbo. They used the Christian missionaries to decimate and terrorize the resilient Igbo into being Christians. If the missionaries had gone about their teachings and allowed a majority of the Igbo to accept Christianity on their own terms, then maybe we could attribute the Igbo conversion to the Biblical Holy spirit. But in this case it was not – the Igbo were shelled, bombarded, killed and terrorized by the missionaries and British soldiers.

In conclusion, it is my opinion, and born of actual facts that Christianity was forced on the Igbo. No wonder there are still pockets of resistance to the European fangled version of Christianity that was brought to Igbo land.

By Chuka Nduneseokwu

[gettokjlme]

Its really frustrating how much I hate the idea of being perceived but simultaneously crave so much attention

[gettokjlme]

Like I can barely get my work done please stop coming to me for help 😩

[gettokjlme]

I really hate helping people do their homework like the stress I'm feeling right now cuz im trying to help someone turn in their late assignment before midnight, while I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown, is going to send me into a spiral. Like I'm really trying not to lose it.

[gettokjlme]

I was gonna clean today but honestly I think I might just sleep the whole day because honestly I can't keep up with the mental gymnastics and depression this situation is putting me through

[gettokjlme]

This probably won't make any but I'm pretty sure I killed whatever microbiome I had on my hands from all the hand sanitizer which is just great to think about.

[gettokjlme]

Does anyone find themselves (when the cold sores are present) really sad and anxiety ridden..cuz I do.

My first coldsore right on the edge of my bottom lip was like one pimple. Now it's like a bunch of teeny tiny clusters under the skin of my lips just waiting to grow and grow while still being, presumably, highly infectious. I'm afraid to touch my face and or anywhere on my body for that matter. This time somehow seems a bit harder in that regard. And I think I have a sore throat and I feel like it's because of this.

Overall I just kinda feel trapped in my own skin and 8 genuinely hate it. I just feel deeply sad and trapped all the time, and I'm tired.

Also I kind of want to go to the doctor for a full body examination because this just has me hyper aware of everything going on or that has gone on with my body and I just want definite answers so my mind doesn't ruminate as much.

[gettokjlme]

Just got another cold sore on my lip after the last one finished healing..and im depressed again.

I was depressed the whole time I had the first one and after it popped and was healing and everything I was still depressed because I was thinking about what my future romantic and sexual experiences would look like. But then I read the summary of a podcast episode about sex with herpes in relationships and how this woman and her husband in their relationship feel comfortable enough to engage sexually without protection (and don't when she feels something may come on) and that just gave me hope for the future (and also made me realize how important sex and relationships are to me).

So I was temporarily not drowning in depression. I mean it improved my mood drastically. But then my body started acting weird I think it is/was an allergic reaction, which I think ended up delaying my period. And just overall had my feeling weird in my body all over. And just as that started to subside I get another cold sore on my mouth. Which I was already suspecting was something that could happen cuz I did notice some changes in that area of my mouth specifically even before the allergic reaction. But now I don't know if (what I'm still assuming is an allergic reaction) is still subsiding because now that the cold sore is back im worried that I may have passed it to my eyes and genitals before I knew it was there but I'm not sure and It may be because I always assume the worst. I don't think that is the case but yeah.

I think the products I've been using are the main reason (again the allergic reaction) I feel weird in those areas. Because I basically sanitize my hands almost every time I touch my face and in the time after the first cold sore and before the second one (mind you the second one is currently in the earliest of stages) I didn't really touch my lips. I did touch my eyes often because they were irritated but I sanitized my hands almost every time I did. And when I'm in the shower I wash my hands with body soap before I even clean my genitals and after I clean my face..and of course sanitized my hands after any masturbation (which I didn't do the whole time I had the first cold sore or when I was experiencing the allergic reaction at its worse or during my period).

It was only recently and I only did so twice with no transfer of body fluids from where they originated. So while I think something weird is going on with body and specifically the gemital area and my eyes I don't think it's because I've given myself hsv 1 in those areas but it's also hard not to think that I might have. I'm trying not to stress or let the depression overwhelm but honestly (especially the depression) its really hard not to. I upped the dosage of the medication I was taking because I don't think I was taking enough and I'll see how everything progesses. Besides my face wash I'm going to stop using my other face products until I notice a change.

I wasn't planning going into all of this this much but it didn't help me feel minimally better? So thats something..also I've kinda decided im gonna make a conscious effort to get all my life stuff handled (cleaning, school assignments, etc) and then just sleep when I can because honestly right now that's the best thing I can do to handle my depression and stress without totally succumbing to it.

I genuinely hope I can get to a place in my life that whether or not this keeps happening (and I hope it doesn't) I can find a way to not let rule my life and my emotions this much.

[gettokjlme]

I have a cold sore which mean I have oral h*rpes and im not gonna lie having it makes me feel like I wanna die.

[gettokjlme]

I'm so sad and I really miss my mom.

[gettokjlme]

Does anyone else get deeply frustrated when they're on their period?

Like I'm frustrated cuz im unexplaineably horny, but mostly i'm just pissed off.

I have all this frustrated energy that has nowhere to go. I want to start a fight.

Especially if I'm already feeling weird about someone, it's now been replaced with deep annoyance or fury.

I'M FURIOUS

I literally just want to tell people to FUCK OFF

[literaturefeen-deactivated20210]

I desire companionship and respect more than physical and modern romantic relations. I want to spend hours in sipence while communicating perfectly with each other, to have philosophical discussions unrelated to someone's opinion or right to have an opinion concerning another's existence. I want to permanently entwine our souls so we never truly part. I want to all but climb outside of my skin into yours, but still exist as two separate beings.

[literaturefeen-deactivated20210]

I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be the reliable one. I want to be held and protected. I'm sick of being the one who is doing the protecting and being strong for everyone else. I don't want to be the one who has to suck it up and get shit done. If I'm always being strong, then who is being strong for me. Let me be a woman. Stop dismissing and dehumanizing me. Stop desensitizing my pain and struggles.

[literaturefeen-deactivated20210]

Let us feel and express our emotions. Stop silencing us. I hate the way people try to dismiss us when we say this by trying to force us into the "Strong Black Woman" stereotype. Let us be women. You saying that we got this and that we're strong isn't helping us. Quit belittling our vulnerability.

[anxietyproblem]