#ruminating thoughts

[lunalejanaa]

They say anxiety is built-up energy, so I keep moving. Past men selling street food from plastic carts, past women laughing too loudly on fire escapes, past prayers spoken in languages I don’t know but feel anyway. I move with the city, through it, inside of it.

I want it all—the noise, the hunger, the overlapping lives—to take what’s broken inside of me and remind me that broken isn’t quite the same as the dreadful feeling of empty.

I want to know you. And you. And him. And her. The vendor counting change with tired hands, the kid with headphones too big for his head, the elder waiting for the light to change, the woman walking her poodle, the man in the trench coat who smells like cigarettes and rain. I want their minds to brush against mine, to collide, to leave something behind.

[icanteatdeath]

grief that comes before it happens

"all the people i love, i will lose them soon enough."

[noplaceformehereinthishell]

i wish I could just stop thinking

[treemice]

Being both sensitive and very paranoid that youre coming off as guilt trippy or manipulative is hell. If my friend knows that I'm sad they can't hang out will it make them think I'm angry at them for being busy? Will they think I'm entitled? Will they think I don't care that they can't hang out if i don't show I'm sad, and thus never want to hang out with me ever again? How do I know they care that I'm sad? Did they even want to hang out in the first place? What if they somehow find out that I spiral like this when they cant hang out with me, and decide I'm an emotional loser and never speak to me again? What if they're secretly mad at me and them being busy is supposed to be a hint that they don't want to spend time with me anymore?

And then I'm only reassured once I see them with my eyes and hear them laugh at my jokes and then it only lasts until we part ways again. And then I'm worried I offended them terribly and I'll never see them again because of it.

[alloalouette]

batsyhead

[musingsoftwistedpoet]

I think I keep forgetting to breathe properly

Leaves me with a head ache and strained jaw

Couldn’t tell you why

Too preoccupied with

rumination’s; worried about

tomorrows pain

Will I make it?

Time is running out

for what, I could not say

Tell me if you’ll stay

Carrying fate upon your brow

Hurrying fragile progress

Tis much too wobbly

Tender are we still

Burning of ones will

Oh so discerning

[doorknobinmyayuss]

Charlie: uuuhhh…. Hey alastor? I think dads doing it again….

Alastor: hm? *Looks over to Lucifer to see him completely spaced out staring off into the void*

Angel: Does anyone else think he looks kinda like a statue when he’s like this? only he’s not naked and standing in a museum….

Alastor: hello? *starts knocking on Lucifers head* Lucifer you’re ruminating again.

Lucifer: HUH!? Hm?? No I’m not.

Alastor: really?

Lucifer: ………………Okay yeah I was… *quickly runs through his coping strategies* Okay! sorry guys. What did I miss???

Husk: ….I think he’s less of a statue and more like a fucked up wind-up toy…

Lucifer: Wait we were talking about wind-up toys????

[loser-pet]

things our anxiety (and possible ocd) is causing us to ruminate about:

- the fact that we still haven’t been looking for a job (job hunting is fucking terrifying but having no money is even scarier)

- the number 7 (it’s just so wrong, it’s viscerally uncomfortable. I don’t like it at all (multiples of 7 are ok though))

- the year is already halfway over (we haven’t done anything and we’re going to die soon and it’s all going to be over and I don’t want to die)

- college processes are kicking my ass (I really don’t want to go all the way to another city and I won’t know anyone and I could get kidnapped and nobody would know)

- my knee has still been in a lot of pain despite it being over 2 weeks since I’ve been injured and I still have no idea why (what if it’s a blood clot? what if I dislodge it and I die? what if it’s some infection and it’s just sitting there getting worse)

- I’m so lonely but making new friends is terrifying, and I don’t know how I could make new irl friends. I miss hanging out with friends irl but talking to people is so scary

- mirrors are scary. these “reflections” are watching me and judging me and even when I’m turned away from a mirror I know there are things watching me. I can’t avoid them forever, so I just have to grit my teeth and hope this truce sticks

- I’m convinced that my dreams are telling me something important, but I don’t know what they’re telling me. I wish I could stay in my dreams longer so I’d know what they mean. there’s certain people in my dreams that I think represent people that I might meet, and I want to know them more in my dream so I’ll know who they are irl

- the whole world is so fragile and we barely know anything. everything we know and love could be gone in an instant. I don’t want to lose the people and things I love, but I know it’ll happen someday, so I get worried that I’m not loving them enough now by worrying so much. I feel so much guilt over losing friends or giving away things.