𝔥𝔬𝔞𝔯𝔰𝔢 𝔯𝔞𝔳𝔢𝔫𝔰

you get sore even when you win. you maim when you're on offense; you kill when you're on defense, and you've got them all convinced that you're the means and the end.

[ligeia-of-the-rhine]

“You’re not a monster,” I said. But I lied. What I really wanted to say was that a monster is not such a terrible thing to be. From the Latin root monstrum, a divine messenger of catastrophe, then adapted by the Old French to mean an animal of myriad origins: centaur, griffin, satyr. To be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning at once.

Ocean Vuong, from On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. (via ligeia-of-the-rhine)

[charitydingle]

KILLING EVE, 2018- Season 3, Episode 6 - “End of Game”

[facinaoris]

Madwoman, Shara McCallum

[sunwishmidnight]

[lucefrs]

   first impressions, musings on love & some conclusions about how she feels about her 

she looks like fun   /   finally i can share with you through cloudy skies , every whimsical thought that enters my mind .  cool   /   i wanna know her like you , i wanna be that cool , i wanna be that .  desire   /   a girl she grows up with no option , but to trust how her gut feels .  objects objects   /   as if you’re telling me there’s no such thing as heartache , as if you’re telling me we’ll come alive . play the part   /   are you nice because you’re nice or are you nice because you need something , tell me if you need someone who can play the part .  hunni   /   whatever it is that you say i should do , i’ll do . i know that too . 

[bob-belcher]

[ggallcgher]

      KNEES REACHING UP TO HER CHEST, breath heaving, georgina flies through the bleachers — a much preferred alternative to the leveled track, bias heightened by the fact that company is rare on the steps she takes two at a time. on her way down, hazel eyes catch glimpse of blonde hair, the presence of a girl she didn’t bother to seek out after last week’s madness. more than a minute isn’t spared thinking about the kids from georgetown. ask georgina and she’d chuck them away in a heartbeat, for her own sanity’s sake and theirs ; the where or how of it irrelevant so long as the when is now. anyone who thinks they’re safer in gallagher is a halfwit, the functioning part of their brain ( the half untainted by a crippling savior-complex ) shared with no other than the great laura sutton herself. 

     a hand grabs her water bottle as she moves lower, breaks habit by making noise as her feet hit the floor. “ i bet harvard’s looking really dull in comparison now, huh ? ” @lucefrs​

[ggallcgher]

luce.

      she sits up and swivels around on her bum like an amateur break dancer, legs falling to either side of the bleacher, using the balls of her feet to scoot closer. she adores fashion trivia, her brows perk with delight at having another fact in her arsenal she’ll be able to pass on whenever anyone brings up either the brand or the song. truthfully, apart from their iconic logo, the only other reference to the brand she has is when tyler the creator singlehandedly invented romance when he sang this parka is comme, you’re my favourite garcon. decides then and there, that she loves the brand, purely because it’s entirely enveloped in love. ‘   aw, i love that.   ’ honeyed words fall, it’s either apt or trivial that clothing makes her so soft. of course, the brand’s way out of her usual price range, and if she’s asking for gifts from special someones she’ll selfishly go higher than need be, more alongside the range of marc jacobs or molly goddard ( ready to wear not couture because she’s neither mad or a monster ).

     the palms of her hands rest atop georgina’s thighs, forging closer still. her pointer fingers wisp figure eights against her skin, like the skater’s jumping from the ice every time her nail flicks upwards. ‘   i slept with kass.    ’ she’s gotten into the habit of assuming everyone knows who she is anyways, so she doesn’t take the time to describe how she’s simply the best. her gaze lifts, because she’s no coward and if there’s any judgement cast she wants to feel it’s spell, the confirmation that she fucked up. there’s a glint of anticipation, as though georgina’s punishment, however mild, would be the only one that’d mean anything. it’s why she doesn’t correct her when she says lucie instead of luce. ‘   i just like, sometimes i wish desire didn’t have to be wrapped up in all the other stuff. that it could just be desire.    ’ she enunciates the last three words, just to prove her point, that if words could exist in isolation, so could feelings. ‘   kinda screwed the pooch on answering your question. teachers would always be writing on my tests, read the question carefully ! you did not answer the question !   ’

      ALL ACTIONS HAVE MOTIVES — every touch, every subtle word choice swimming with some sort of intent, however shallow it may be. it’s hardwired into her to try and make sense of it all, to know the game before it begins and make sure she’s never at the losing end. she feels the touch on her thighs, dancing fingers on warm skin making it hard to ignore. she hears the talk about sleeping with students, and gears shift in an instant, because in her world, friendly gestures are rarely just friendly gestures. the bill simply doesn’t come ‘til later, when the charges have been racked up, so georgina plays along ‘til then. “ it can just be desire. ” words slip effortlessly, so incredibly simple and straightforward as if everything comes this easy for her, switches lined up conveniently to choose which one to tick off. she mirrors luce’s movements, scoots a little closer ‘til bent knee meets the blonde’s thigh, a sign that’s as far as she can go. “ people just like to over-complicate things, ” she half-whispers with a soft lean forward, like it’s a secret they now share. words convince that they’re different, that she and her, luce and georgina, are the only exceptions to the rule.

      “ what’s your point, luce ? ” georgina’s impatience steals a peek, but her voice stays sweet with the promise that her barks come bearing no bite. “ because i doubt you’re sharing to kiss-and-tell, and frankly i’m not interested in hearing about how vanilla kassandra is in bed. ” no barriers exist to filter her thoughts ; while kass is hot ( and georgina neither blind nor an idiot to refute that, ) it’s hard to imagine a sutton as anything other than blah in the sack, in the same way it’s hard to imagine luce as the type of girl to be satisfied by blah in the sack. “ or maybe you’re here for relationship advice, which again i doubt, because anyone can see that nothing about me screams i’m the go-to-girl for that. ” amusement drips from her tone, like there’s nothing georgina wants more in this moment than to make sense of luce, the little trip ‘round wrong guesses a necessary buildup to match. she knows it’s possible to read too much into things, to think more of a touch when it’s just a touch, but there’s rarely any fun to be had in taking things as is. if spies had an inkling of aversion to patching two and two together, how ever big of a reach, they’d all be out of business. “ let me ask again, because you didn’t answer my question, ” she practically parrots luce’s impersonation of her teachers, gives her a smile so big it’d put the cat from wonderland to shame. “ what do you want ? ” the question sounds like a promise, that if there’s a secret to be kept, she’d keep it, and anything she asks for will be wrapped up in red and left on her doorstep faster than saint nick ever could.

[mhensleys]

for the most part, miles doesn’t really mind his chaperoning shifts in town. but there are a few students he’s wary of having in a position where they can ask questions. one of them happens to be georginia gallagher — a bit unfairly, if he’s honest, seeing as the reason is solely based on her family name. it’s something he keeps in the back of his mind when she’s included in the new batch of students he’s tasked with keeping an eye on. “alright, so where are we headed?” / @ggallcgher​

[ggallcgher]

miles.

   in all honesty, nobody’s errands are of particular interest to miles, and about halfway through her explanation he starts looks over to see where another handful of students are heading. at least until her comment brings him right back “ watch it. ” he says, shooting her a pointed look. even if it was anyone else’s business, it’s not a conversation he’s in the mood to be having. “ keeping an eye on you kids is what i should be doing. there’s a few others going that way, plenty to keep me busy. ”

      DISCOMFORT ON FULL DISPLAY only fuels georgina further, brings a teasing skip in her step as they walk around the town. “ isn’t daddy-ing such a fun hobby ? gotta have something to keep you busy now that you’re fired from the brotherhood or whatever. ” there’s no trace of passion at the mention of the group ; georgina doesn’t talk about the brotherhood the same way most students do, seemingly detached from the threat, a position afforded by viewing herself above it all. “ hold a memorial for your pal cecil yet ? my deepest condolences, by the way. who knew gallagher was such a violent place ? ”

[ofaylin]

starter for @ggallcgher​

– “NO, IT IS REAL, I SWEAR,” AYLIN HUFFS as the bouncer pockets her ID. “ just wait, i’m going to get the cops and you’re going to be sorry, because...well, you can’t take that ! ” she’s LOST already but she’s committed to the bit and she’s already a little tipsy...and this sucks ! now she won’t be able to get into any of the bars all weekend. her boots clomp on the cobblestone as she turns in the other direction, face to face with the other girl watching the scene, “ what’re you looking at ? you probably never even get carded. ” 

[ggallcgher]

aylin.

– “WELL, I’M NOT ON MY OWN,” AYLIN ADDS WITH A COY SMILE, “ not if i’m with my new friend. ” because thirty or not, georgina can totally be her new friend if she gets her into the bar ! granted, it’s just a pride thing at this point. “ anyways, it’s only in AMERICA that i’d have this stupid problem, ” she huffs with a wrinkled nose, grateful to fall into step with the older girl and she won’t say it out loud because that would be tacky, as georgina puts it, but she’s sort of in awe of her. she draws her fingers over her lips in a locking motion, tossing an imaginary key over her shoulder. she winks as she looks up at her, “ say no more. ”

     UP AN UNMARKED STAIRWELL not too far from where they are leads to the speakeasy in question, but georgina slows down before they get there. “ you up for a little challenge ? ” brow quirks up, corners of red lips curl into a sly smirk. “ take on an accent when we get inside. boston, preferably, or if you’re ballsy, tennesee. ” she didn’t know much about the younger girl, her major one of the few things she was sure of. “ they might not know if you’re butchering it, but i will. ” a gentle push of door brings them to the bar, hush conversations a stark contrast to the place where aylin was yelling a few moments ago.

[thrill-cfthechase]

elliot sat at the far end of a bar, a beer in one hand. she needed a little break from the ruckus around her. after being stuck on the gallagher grounds all semester, many students seemed to be running wild, but she was content to sit by herself and get tipsy in peace. feeling eyes on her, elliot looked up and saw georgina. she wrinkled her nose - elliot wasn’t in the mood for a lecture or a lesson. she gave georgina the nod and a slight wave, hoping that would be enough interaction. but apparently georgina took the whole mentor/mentee thing seriously, because she was walking towards elliot. she was starting to warm up to the older girl - she was margaret gallagher’s daughter, and her experience with field work meant she actually had something to offer elliot. still, elliot just wanted to drink in peace. “can i just get drunk? please? without some sort of color commentary.”

@ggallcgher​

[ggallcgher]

elliot.

elliot rolled her eyes, her face falling into a pout. “please, georgina, i beg of you. fuck off.” she didn’t mean it, at least not completely, but she just wasn’t in the mood for anything, really. “i don’t understand expensive alcohol. if i’m just trying to get drunk, the cheapest thing seems like the most practical.” maybe the years of drinking from the lowest shelf had made her wary of anything that cost more than a full tank of gas. either way, you were going to get drunk. “this isn’t a wine tasting, it’s a bender,” she countered, although she didn’t hesitate to take the wine. “well, double g. what are we drinking to?” elliot asked.

     FAR BE IT FROM GEORGINA to let an erroneous thought fly by without a correction. “ it’s a good thing i’m buying then, ” she retorts taking her own glass in hand. “ consider this part of your training. do try not to look like you’re ready to lynch the one percent every time you hold something that could feed a village in sudan. the cool girl act of chugging beer is only cute to frat guys with brain damage. ” the question makes a light chuckle rise from her, body shifting slightly to face elliot completely. “ i’m drinking for the sake of it, ” she answers, wine in hand swirling gently with her nose turned up for a quick whiff if only to tease the younger girl. “ roseville isn’t the greatest, but it sure beats gallagher’s halls. and you ? any particular reason you’re this eager to mess up your liver with cheap beer ? ”

[coraxheartfield]

“Now Georgina...,” Cora started as she pulled the younger woman aside after exiting the bus. Doing so made her feel old and like a disappointed mother talking down to her teenage daughter but it had to be done. Laura had asked this of her, to keep a close eye on the Gallagher heir while she was in Roseville and to make sure that she, as well as other students, kept their school’s secret by behaving responsibly. “I am sure that you do not really need this reminder but please do try to...perhaps take things easy while you are in town.”

@ggallcgher​

[ggallcgher]

cora.

Cora would have thought that being a mentor at Gallagher meant that she would no longer be mocked for her accent, which she had been as a student, but it would seem not. And if Cora found herself offended by everything Georgina said than she would probably be exhausted as well. The younger woman’s sass was taken with a grain of salt that Cora easily brushed away. “Try something more original next time,” she drawled out. Though hopefully she wouldn’t try Hermione or Queen Elizabeth or Mary Poppins; they were all so cliche and overused. “I might treat myself to one later. I don’t find it very responsible to drink while watching the children since they need to fed and bathed before bed of course.”  

     A LAUGH ESCAPES her at cora’s response, sly grin breaking over her features, because it’s impossible not to. the mentors in gallagher were too often either ready to raise arms or to run crying to laura at every joke she’d make at their expense. “ allow me to treat you to that one drink, then, ” the offer comes with newfound respect, an implied promise that she’ll be a ounce more tolerable than she was. “ consider it atonement for the joke, help you gear up before you feed and bathe the kids. ” a slight shift of her gaze reminds her of just how apt that analogy actually is. “ tell me i’m not alone in thinking this school does treats the students like children. i mean, ” georgina gestures to the situation at hand : lines of kids exiting buses like on a trip to the science museum. “ if they can’t keep themselves out of trouble in a town like roseville, then they shouldn’t be in gallagher at all. ”

[delilahsfm]

          OF COURSE DELILAH KNEW she’d run into at least one student at the nearby bar, because it TRULY seemed like that was all the majority of the student population cared about.  delilah liked to drink too, obviously, but she liked to think she was a lot better at it than a lot of these children who black out after a few shots and mixed drinks.  if there was anyone else who was on the same LEVEL as her, it would be the gallagher woman, planted right at the very end of the bar.  it had been awhile since they’d spoken, but delilah flashed her a smile as if they were old friends   ( technically they are )   and took a seat right beside her.   “ aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. what are we drinking ? “   maybe she can put it on her tab.  //  @ggallcgher​

[ggallcgher]

delilah.

        A HUFF OF LAUGHTER ESCAPES HER LIPS, and as soon as a drink is placed in front of her, delilah goes for a sip.   “ is that what you call it ? “   she flashes her a smile, eyes wistful as she thinks back to that night as if its a fond memory.  delilah still wouldn’t trust georgina as far as she could throw her, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be FRIENDS – really, there’s very little friends of hers that she does trust.   “ it’s just as well, i don’t like sharing, “   the retorts casually, eyes casting down to her drink as she swirls it around on the bar.  hearing jude’s name makes the right corner of her mouth lift slightly, though that’s the only reaction she gives.   “ seeing two beautiful women get together in this school is rare, i don’t blame the people for TALKING, “   she quips, eyes lifting up to meet georgina’s.   “ names mean nothing to me, call me whatever you want.  i’ll still answer to CLEO. “   her eyes glint mischievously.

     “ DELILAH’S BEAUTIFUL, ” georgina answers with no hesitation, eyes unwilling to to match the mischievous glint. it could almost pass as genuine, if only there were a gauge reliable enough to measure up to. every interaction preceding tonight wields the same exact same charm that it’s become nearly impossible to tell which is which, to imagine a talk ever to be had with neither game nor pretense. “ and cleo had a weird french accent, ” she adds as an afterthought, light laugh shadowing her words. “ this is familiar though, isn’t it ? ” a brisk hand wave gestures at the scene they find themselves in : bonding over liquor on bar stools. throw in heaps of snow, chuck them four thousand miles east, four thousand meters high up the mountains of valais, and it’d pass as a recreation of their first meeting.

[ggallcgher]

     “ YOU’RE IN GALLAGHER ? ” a soft laugh, born out of amusement and disbelief quickly follows the question. the girl in front of her takes georgina back — a dodgy street in late night amsterdam, floor littered with balloons, the same face in front of her naive and unaware of the men that trail her, whispering obscenities in dutch. georgina is no saint, has no moral goal or notions of a greater good, but she isn’t a monster. sometimes some people, even the unlikely clueless tourist, get to see that.  “ please tell me you’re one of the kids from georgetown, and you don’t actually go here. ” @rainafms​

[ggallcgher]

raina.

    her head tilts to the side as raina takes a moment to place the voice and the face. and her jaw drops slightly as she’s taken back to her travels a few years ago, where the girl definitely helped her out ( but didn’t want anything to do with an overexcited american tourist! ) “oh my god, hi?” raina says with a smile, despite the disbelief in the other’s tone, she just ignores it. “but no, i’m not. i’m medical training actually,” she answers, nodding her head affirmatively.

     NOTHING SCREAMED DELINQUENT about her, a legacy status far more plausible than the image of this girl rescued from a life behind bars due to medical-related crimes. georgina forgoes the calculation, drops the steel in her gaze in lieu of a laugh and a sly smile. “ virani, right ? ” having a voice to match the face aids the memory, information shared as a display of her skill. the first name eludes her, but even then it’s good enough. “ georgina gallagher, ” she offers her hand to shake. the accent she once wore was now untraceable ; her name’s the last confirmation that she’s a different person altogether.

[ggallcgher]

lucas.

    HE COULDN’T HELP the small snort that escaped him at her words, rolling his dark hues playfully. he liked talking to georgina, she was willing to have fun and tease him back unlike some of the other students at the university. he faked a shocked gasp, putting a hand dramatically above his heart. “georgina how could you think so lowly of me? my natural talent got me in baby girl”, he teased poking the end of her nose, “and if I did maybe give an instructor a handy to get in that is between me and him.” he adjusted his backpack, a wide smile on his lips as he stood in front of his friend. “you in a rush to get somewhere? come grab some food with me.”

      THERE’S A SHORTAGE IN GALLAGHER of people with thick enough skin that won’t bleed at the smallest jibes, but it’s a disappointment that isn’t the littlest bit surprising. lucas’ joke riding hers earns him a laugh, hands lightly thrown up in feigned surrender. “ well, how can i say no to such an irresistible request ? ” over-exuberant tone’s now an ever-present thing around the boy, teasing the only way they converse. “ if any of your lovers come at me for having lunch with you, know that i won’t hesitate to use force. if they get hurt, then that’s completely on them. ”

[ggallcgher]

calypso.

      Calypso had always taught herself the languages she wanted to know, thinking she was doing a really good job of it, so she deflates slightly under her roommate’s scrutiny. She’s still not used to people being critical of her linguistics skills — she spent so long being the only person she knew who could speak more than three, let alone twelve languages. She’s still coming to terms with the fact that she’s no longer special because of that. “Well, I haven’t had people to practice with.” She retorts in slightly clunkier, but still pretty damn good Dutch.

     “ DOESN’T THIS COUNT as practice ? ” she asks now in english, as if the string of underhanded insults were a ploy to get herself someone to teach, like madness were an impending disease to be remedied only by some show of superiority. “ and why this major ? i’ve met people your age who speak more than a dozen languages and can out-talk art snobs at any gallery in the world. clearly it’s a sad excuse for a major when you can learn it everywhere else, so what do you think you’ll gain from this ? ” a two-question test to see if the roommate has enough grit to handle a ramming, because a tap-out this early could only save them both the time and hassle.

[ggallcgher]

luce.

       for anyone else, such a simple declaration would make her cast judgement. that she’s boring, and doesn’t want to play her unintentional games. but from georgina’s lips it just strikes her with the awe she’s kept from the first day, the romanticized statue of a person, immovable and existing to be gloried over. she doesn’t know any of the history, of this school and the extent to what it’s done, but surely, gillian’s sad status would be nothing compared to a memorialized georgina, set in marble with an etched gold plaque. she doesn’t know what it’d say, because really, she doesn’t actually know georgina all that well, but it’d be something cutting, the shwip of a blade through the air, like the sound effects they use in fruit ninja.

      sometimes, in times, like these, she’s certain her life is a movie. the song fades in and the camera pulls out, until they’re two specks along rows of bleachers, the sky an opaque baby blue, white texts contrasting perfectly against it, directed by god, starring lucifer ( then right under, with an asterisk *lucie frear ). it holds artistic merit, because she feels uneasy, and that’s how all good movies end, with uncertainty as if a happy ending is revolting. thing is, she’d take the soppy, foot-popping, make-out while the camera rotates ending then the coming-of-age feeling that everything’s ephemeral. the song’s nice, even if the words are gibberish to her, though incomprehensibility’s never been a point of critique, can’t be, when she loves cocteau twins as much as she does.

       ‘   i know.   ’ it’s not that she can’t take comfort, but it’s just that she does know. it’s there buried in the muddle of feelings, she knows she’ll be alright, because she’s never had a cynical disposition, but she’s impatient. waiting until her body and mind can bounce back is boring at best and soul-crushing at worst. ‘   why this song ?   ’ she muses, because if there’s one thing that sparks genuine curiosity it’s choices of the musical variety. ‘   no wrong answer. as long as you have one.    ’ because i like it would suffice plenty, but i don’t know would be cause for concern.

     HER QUESTION DEMANDS SUBJECTIVITY —  the very bane of georgina gallagher. there’s no reason good enough for her to indulge in it, no sufficient experience with feeling that’d allow her to deign trust. she imagines it’d be like pulling scarves from a magician’s breast pocket or worse, their mouth. there’ll be one tied to another, a single tug that leads to a string of colors, uncontrollably spilling out from a place they weren’t supposed to be in to begin with. besides, she never liked magicians anyway, knocked one out cold in front of le centre pompidou when she was eight.

     “ because i know you like fashion, ” georgina answers convincingly, quick wits saving her from telling a lie. “ and comme des garçons, the label with the red heart and the eyes ? ” she adds as if there’s any doubt luce would know. “ the founder got the name of the brand from the lyrics of this song. it means ‘ like boys. ’ ” she doesn’t say that it’s because the song is so super not happy, and luce is so super not happy, and now listening to this so super not happy song with the so super not happy girl, georgina is starting to feel something akin to so super not happy. she doesn’t say it, because it doesn’t matter. it sounds beautiful, so it must be beautiful. luce doesn’t seem to understand the words to know any better.

     “ so has anything changed ? ” head turned to the sky tilts to look at the blonde again, borrowed glasses pushed up so eyes can meet. “ with your gallagher bucket list. now that you know the truth and the whereabouts of the hookup passage, is there anything else lucie frear desires ? ”  eyebrows quirk up and the smile returns. the song ends, moves seamlessly to something with a lot less blahs, so it’s only fitting that the girls do, too.

[ggallcgher]

caden.

        HIS HAND REACHES UP to touch her chin, making sure she’s looking right at him when he says,   “ for the last fucking time, i had NOTHING to do with cecil. “   caden doesn’t sound desperate in the slightest, just sick and tired of georgina’s bullshit.  THIS must be why people don’t like her.   “ what do you think i’m going to do, hit a girl ? “   his eyes scan her closely, before taking a step back.  it’s true – maybe if she was a dude, he’d be more likely to throw some punches.  but his parents hadn’t taught him a COMPLETE lack of manners.  “ one of these days someone is going to give you a taste of your own medicine, and your sharp tongue or last name won’t be able to get you out of whatever you get yourself into.  mark my words. “ 

     GEORGINA DOESN’T MIND the hand on her chin, doesn’t even tense or flinch at the contact as a sharp laugh of disbelief escapes her at his question. “ you think you’re the first man to mask their sexism with some dated version of chivalry ? ” it’s a weakness that’s often welcome. men finding her too pretty to sport a shiner’s a definite advantage, but in gallagher’s halls, it’s simply disappointing. “ you should hit women, caden. it’s actually lot of guys’ pastime, and i promise it’s really similar to hitting men. ” her own uncle didn’t share an inch of caden’s apprehension and neither did the any of the men she met on the job — holding a notion of rectitude’s simply a weakness spies couldn’t afford. “ maybe then that someone who’ll make me pay could be actually you, and your threats wouldn’t be so pathetic and empty. ” at this point, georgina knows poking for any more answers about cecil would be futile, but it’s not much loss to her ; she can leave the sleuthing to the holmes and drew wannabes on campus. “ i’m surprised you didn’t already know this considering our major, so let me spell it out for you : just because we keep your cock hard, doesn’t mean we won’t cut it off. ”