GhostWorld

Building a better me

[gh-ostw0rld]

[gh-ostw0rld]

TW: body dysmorphia, negative talk, fat shaming. 

I’ve gained a lot of weight in the last few years since all I do is stay home now.

I’m extremely uncomfortable, and I can’t fit any of my clothes. I’ve reached a level of “self conscious” or “self awareness” that I should ever have.

I know, some of it had to do with you didn’t get my metabolism is slowing down but I REALLY have got to start focusing on my health and literally, just getting a life again. I feel like I’ve been wasting my 30s bed rotting and I’m way too fucking old for this shit.

I have been cutting back on my meals and taking an uber less often…..but that doesn’t replace a gym and going on a walk or something….or doing something interesting even lmfaoo.

My life has completely changed the last few years and that’s just how it’s supposed to go I guess. But one thing that needs to change is 1. How my boy looks 2. How I feel about my body.

Things I’m doing already:

1. Cooking my own meals

2. Watching my sugar intake

3. Watching my portions

4. Getting interested in getting active.

Things I could do better:

1. Pay closer attention to my snacks

2. Get more active. Get out into the world. Touch some grass

3. Workout for longer than 5min

4. Watch my carb & portion intake

I can definitely do better honestly.

I can. Because for me, anyway, it’s definitely a lot more than just needing to change my body and working out. But it’s that I need to completely just overhaul my life.

[gh-ostw0rld]

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

Stop thinking about someone who doesn’t think about you.

[gh-ostw0rld]

35

Alive

Doin what I want. Making my visions into art.

Setting boundaries. Making it clear what I want, and I how I want it.

In therapy.

Growing into the coolest era of my life.

It’s time to unleash.

It’s time to bloom. And become that bitch.

The bitch they shoulda never messed with.

They bitch that no one can touch.

Elite.

[batstolovers]

𝔊𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔠 𝔄𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔱𝔦𝔠 (x)

[gh-ostw0rld]

Maybe it’s when it can finally, bravely move on from the past, then I can finally evolve to my true self.

[littldxsire]

I wish i could go back

[gh-ostw0rld]

I miss being 24, when I insisted I was ugly.

Now I’m 34 and I do the same thing, and look back and wonder how I could ever think that about myself.

And I wonder, when I’m 44, if I’ll do the same thing.

Will I ever notice myself? Am I not supposed to? Will I always feel this way about myself because this is what I was taught all of my life?

Aging is confusing. Specially when all you are doing is looking at yourself. 

[rythms-of-synthax-deactivated20]

Quote of the day

[gh-ostw0rld]

I dont know hw far down you’ve gotten down in your depression seassion, but here are some of my lowest points.

- Pushing people away

- Running away from oppritunities

- Threating self harm/ Attemting self harm

- Not showering or leaving the apartment fr weeks

-Completely changing my appetite.

And I’ve made a cmback amlost everytime, andI’m sure you have too!

Here are some of my starter hacks when you are ready to end your depression session.

(These work for me, but ultimately you need to find out what works for you!)

-I start with brushing my hair everyday. I don’t worry about styling it.

- Instead of checking my email on my phone,I check my email on my desktop (if you don’t own a desktop, try to use this as an excuse to go to the library)

- Brush my teeth with peroxide when they feel like they could use it. (Peroxide and baking soda has always been a suggested toothpaste replacement, I dont own baking soda lol. DO NOT SWALLOW!)

-Keep a showering schedule (start with weekly then work your way up to daily). You can also try this schedule with other things Iike washing your hair or having a healthier eating schedule.

- (I have the opposite problem with cleaning now, but when I didn’t, my go to process was) Start by cleaning one small section of your room everyday. eventually you can add in more space and complete a whole room, and then your home.

The hardest ones for me to follow through with were:

- Leaving the apartment regularly (specially being unemployed)

- Staying consistent

- Staying engaged in the things that I love

I really waned to wright this because I know I cant be the only one struggling with my style of depression. And hopefully some of this could be helpful.

Some other things that were helpful:

- Getting a normal sleep schedule

- Changing birth control

- Watching encouraging content (not content that encourages fake positivity, but encourages direction and growth)

[achillesinhighheels]

[gh-ostw0rld]

I think at this point in my life if I don’t take the chance, I never will.

I’ll regret not taking the sleep of faith for the rest of my life.

If I don’t carry out the plans that I have made for myself one day, then all I will do is stay stuck in the planning phase. 

What’s the point of creating all these different avenues of change? If I’m never going to implement any of them? Is it….just a form of comfort? Knowing that I could?

Eventually, I either stop coming up with all of these pointless plans that never model my life. Or try one.

What do I have to lose? What do I have to be ashamed of?

[gh-ostw0rld]

[gh-ostw0rld]

Trying to find strength in vulnerability,

I’ve been talking to my therapist for a while about wanting to find friends because I’ve been living in the city that I’ve been in for seven years and haven’t met anyone that I could hang out with for a while. It’s pretty embarrassing, and it’s what I originally wanted when I got here.

I wanted to run away. And I did, but the problem is that I never got to actually run away from my problems.

(Rookie mistake)

[p-llguts]

[gh-ostw0rld]

Favorite music rn:

(in no order)

"Let them die" - Smoking Popes

"Risk" - Paluma Sound

"I don't care" - Park Hye Jin

"More of the same" - Caroline Rose

"Circles" - DECORATOR

"Another life" - PinkPantheress ft. Rema (Chrombodies mix)

"Can't stop now" - Joey Valence and Brae

"Paranoid android" - Raidohead

"La, la, la" - Screwton

"New bottega" - SXYYLK

[gh-ostw0rld]

What in the real life fuck is going on!?

I’ve been trying to post this for a while now but shit just keeps happening and I ran out of space for images and video.

I dont want tp turn this account into an account that focuses n politics, but I mean…What is going on???

What’s great about any of this?

This is the kind of stuff we used to demonize other places for. America has never been great and now it’s on full display. Our country is ran by someone that uses his power or his own power play ground instead of focusing on doing whats best for the country.

V confused honestly. Our country’s politics have seriously turned into a joke.

[gh-ostw0rld]

[gh-ostw0rld]

[gh-ostw0rld]

The easiest thing for me to do is to get angry at myself for not accomplishing my goals the way I wanted to accomplish it.

Instead of looking at it rationally like taking account for what happened and things I didn’t account for simply the roadblocks that got in my way. Because I’m pretty sure that’s the real thing about accomplishing goals. Right? Building up a tolerance when things don’t go your way, or when when you straight up just fail.

I think it’s so hard to allow yourself to try something new or just to be bold.

I used to be someone that didn’t think twice about trying something new and I never thought about how complicated it was. I understood that mistakes were gonna be made, and that these things took time. I’m actually I still understand these things but the back of my mind it’s so much harder to start something new because I feel like if I’m not talented then why am I starting? 

Because unfortunately, I have the luxury of being immediately talented at something. And anyone who has lived that luxury, you understand that can rott your brain. Because there’s a line that crossing your mind where it seems like I should already know everything that I want to pick up and learn. And whenever I do pick up and learn something new, I shouldn’t have to try harder or progress because it will naturally come to me.

But, when you do finally try something new and you’re not very good at it. It gets extremely confusing. Like what’s wrong with me? Why didn’t I instantly pick this up like everything else? It can feel like something is wrong with you, nothing was like it seemed, and you’ve fallen from grace never to be seen again.

So much easier to beat up when you haven’t experienced the learning curve of learning. The ups and downs of figuring out something new and that is supposed to be a wild ride and that you won’t get everything right. It’s hard to be real with yourself, and tell yourself that this isn’t supposed to be easy. You’ll obviously start to question every single thing you’re actually talented at, no matter how much it’s been established before. Because you can’t do “this”.

So what is there to do instead? Be softer to myself (wtf?!). Give myself the grace that these things take time to learn, let alone become talented at. (Whaaatt?? No. That can’t be right.) Well, it is. Because that’s how you actually learn anything. It’s just somehow we forget that when stuff comes natural to us.

[buildmeafairytale]

Get these ai writing assistants out of my face!!!! I don't care if my writing is bad at least it is mine!!!!

[garbagebinne]

[gh-ostw0rld]

Me leaving my apartment for any reason.

[gh-ostw0rld]

Me going to my interview yesterday for a position that I probably won’t get.