Eine Dunkles Märchen

Alexis

[ghohl]

24 ✣ Gemini sun ✣ Aries moon ✣ Cancer rising Cancer, Gemini, 12th House-dominant

favorites tag #ghohl

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2026 reading list Cioran, Tears and Saints (8 January) Osamu Dazai, Blue Bamboo and Other Stories Osamu Dazai, Schoolgirl Cioran, All Gall is Divided (5 April) Hermann Hesse, Gertrude (11 April) Hermann Hesse, Peter Camenzind (14 April) Hermann Hesse, Narcissus and Goldmund (22 April) Delmira Agustini, Selected Poetry (23 April) Hermann Hesse, Rosshalde (24 April) Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Depair (25 April) Beyond Spring: T'Zu Poems of the Sung Dyntasy (1 May?) The Diary of Lady Murasaki (3 May) Leo Tolstoy, Divine and Human (7 May) Algernon Blackwood, The Wendigo (7 May) Hermann Hesse, Poems (12 May) Rabindranath Tagore, I Won't Let You Go (May) Anna Akhmatova, 20 Poems (17 May?) Algernon Blackwood, The Willows (19 May) Algernon Blackwood, The Glamour of the Snow (22 May) Algernon Blackwood, The Magic Mirror (22 May) Octavio Paz, A Tale of Two Gardens (2 June) H.P. Lovecraft, The Hound (6 June) W. Somerset Maugham, Liza of Lambeth (11 June) Osamu Dazai, December 8th (13 June) Algernon Blackwood, Sand (14 June) Kahlil Gibran, The Madman (14 June) Algernon Blackwood, Ancient Sorceries (16 June) Wakefulness and Obsession: An interview with E.M. Cioran (16 June) Alfonsina Storni, Selected Poems (16 June) Marguerite Duras, The Malady of Death (21 June) Algernon Blackwood, The Decoy (22 June) Lovecraft, Deviskill (22 June) Lovecraft, Beyond the Wall of Sleep (June) Algernon Blackwood, The Dance of Death (24 June) Algernon Blackwood, Skeleton Lake: An Episode in Camping (24 June) Algernon Blackwood, The Decoy (24 June) Algernon Blackwood, A Case of Eavesdropping (25 June) Algernon Blackwood, A Suspicious Gift (25 June) Algernon Blackwood, The Transfer (26 June) Algernon Blackwood, The Occupant of the Room (26 June) Algernon Blackwood, Keeping His Promise (27 June) Algernon Blackwood, The Wood of the Dead (28 June) Algernon Blackwood, A Victim of Higher Space H.P. Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu H.P. Lovecraft, The Tree on the Hill Hermann Hesse, In the Old Sun Hermann Hesse, Beneath the Wheel Hermann Hesse, Klingsor's Last Summer Hermann Hesse, Knulp Hermann Hesse, Journey to the East Hermann Hesse, The Glass Bead Game (14:22) Hermann Hesse, Demian Hermann Hesse, Wandering Hermann Hesse, Autobiographical Writings Hermann Hesse, Crisis Pages from a Diary Hermann Hesse, Hours in the Garden and Other Poems Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves Emil Cioran, History and Utopia Emil Cioran, The Fall Into Time W.S. Merwin, Present Company C.S. Lewis, Letters to Malcom C.S. Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

The Selected Poetry of Rainer Maria Rilke (Edited and translated by Stephen Mitchell)

2026 film list House (1977) (June) The Vanishing (1988) Devi (1960) 20:00 Eyes Wide Shut

[dollete-energie]

[theodorafrompluto]

Portrait of a Woman with Red Hair (late 19th century)

by Juana Romani

[theodorafrompluto]

To The Unknown Land (1895)

by Edmund Blair Leighton

[tgatbc]

[ghohl]

'Santa Rosalia' 2012 Roberto Ferri

[aqua-regia009]

Der Traum eines Lebens, oil on canvas — Carl Schweninger (Austrian, 1854-1903)

[adanvc]

The Prisoner. Oil on canvas, 1878.

by Nikolai Yaroshenko

[asincereoffering]

2826

[ghohl]

I thought I would have woken up in devastation I've never experienced until this point, but a sacred calm cocoons me. I stand on the border between two oblivions, one where I would spend the rest of my life in anguish and darkness, and the other side, into the mist-body of hermeticism. the miracle of calm. I am not in anguish; lachrymose at times, stung by the presence of soulful, understanding entities in the universe, and a few tears trickle out, the sadness heals me.

whatever my future is in the pursuit of connection, I must seriously reevaluate what I need to be doing, because despite the sacred seed in people, people are truly disorder and hell, and getting close to them, in their schemes, is approaching the door to madness and the lowest depths of darkness.

[ghohl]

the infidelity makes me feel like a feral, dying animal; years ago, one night, I slept freezing on the grass, and felt forsaken and lost forever beyond what could ever be recovered or even alliveated. he makes me feel like that. what I thought was paradise, so many poems writen about him and us, abandoned me utterly to another darkest night. truly, hell seems to be paradise in the world.

his love was not the conclusion to my childhood. his love did not free me and set me up in a better world. he turned me into an animal. I bear my teeth in anguish. he says nothing; he has abandoned me for another.

the human animal. the soul like dew on grass. the spirit the whole cosmos without earth. what is pain? it must be turned into the path to paradise somehow.

[ghohl]

it is essential to remember the angels. for every mortifying sorrow endured, for every part of the heart lost, the soul is avenged by a comrade with a flaming sword.

what became of what never was? where did it go? our love is my dream of a grass field somewhere, with great drifting clouds that reflect our peace and wayward spirit. how monsterous is it that could be taken away by someone who has not been built for 24 years to undertake the duty of our love? the duty of our love, because we were meant to grow old together, and one of us would have had to endure the grief. I told you I loved you, with my whole heart, my soul speaking right to you, and it was and was lost like a ripple in water. how could I lose you when you never were? you were never my knight in shining armor, you were directionless and lustful. what becomes of what I thought you were, and what you would be? where does this ghost go off to?

abandoned by the people who concieved me, when my mother finally cut her tie to me at her death, God stepped in and adopted me. I felt the presence of an angel as well; and I had a actually known him when I was a child.

an angel: a warrior, a friend, a companion that reminds the soul that one belongs just with the angels in paradise, a friend of paradise, a friend one has already known. the entire world had abandoned me, and you were there, and your flaming sword reduced the entire world to ash.

[ghohl]

Well, I want to kill myself again, but I randomly thought of an insane way to give the love I have within and never received to myself.

so my Jupiter is in Cancer, and I've wondered why I never make any progress towards stable, fulfilling connections when I'm being a friend. I was walking home tonight, listening to 'When We Dance' by Sting, and just started singing it to myself; I put myself into the persona of the checklist lover in my heart, and sang as if I was in love with myself.

and it actually worked. that love was felt, returned.

I am so exhausted of chasing, chasing friendship, chasing being lusted after, trying to embody the fantasy of what someone else needs. the man I love has left me, and I am left with yet another unbearable pain in the countless pile of unbearable pains. I see the women he was attracted to, and they were what I have tried so hard to embody.

spiritual work is like performing surgery on the self while concious and sensante, through these slow and agonizing nights. it is heavier than what any human could be asked to bear. it's more painful than what the soul can even percieve. so, what does that make us -- the people who go down this path? are we supermen, like Nietzsche wrote about? or are we little children in a horrible, violent, disgusting world who mostly forget we are orphans of God, being led by the hand by angels?

[victormalonso]

winter afternoons © víctor m. alonso

[vbdulrvhmvn]

And these feelings, where do they flow, and where do they finally sleep?

[ghohl]

for someone whose sensitivity is morbid, I've never really cared about being too emotional or sensitive, a burden, or "selfish."

being born into a life where I've never had anyone who cares about me, I've never cared about being a burden or inconvenience to people. my existence has been called a burden my whole life, and I continue to live, so why should I care if my mental health was a burden on my family? why should I care if my suicide attempts were more work for the hospital staff? why should I care if my withdrawness and need to feel comfortable before I open up is an inconvenience for people who have only wanted to get me while I'm vunerable and then hurt me? why should I care if my lateness affects my coworkers who gossiped about me and my shyness and style, when they're the reason I don't want to come in in the first place?

when you've lived a lifetime without connection or love, it makes you selfish. it makes you disrespect people and their shallowness and hostility. I have manners and don't do things to spite people, but if I feel like shit, I'm not going to pretend I'm okay to not inconvenience people, is the bottom line.

[ghohl]

a million thousands go through my head a day, and I don't write down most of them, because I don't take life so seriously. I could really make this my blog, my diary, and write on dozens of different topics that interest me, but I don't even care, the world doesn't matter so much to me. not every thing needs attention or effort.