Boo :o

They/them • Ace♡ • Minorn't This side blog makes noises that seem to mimic human language – “perhaps it’s trying to speak?”

[ghostiboos]

⚠️ Caution ⚠️

If you would like to avoid vent posts, please consider sticking to the #not vent tag

I try my best to tag all my posts appropriately, but I’m not in a great mental state when venting and can sometimes forget, so please exercise caution if this will be distressing to you.

Regardless of the post type, feel free to ask me to tag something if you feel it would be helpful to you.

[ghostiboos]

they call it morning because i am mourning the death of my sleep #mysleep

[ghostiboos]

Growing up i always imagined relationships a little weirdly i guess?

Like, I believe in love and all, but even as a young kid, i never really imagined a possibility of anyone loving me so much as like. Casting me in a real-life play based on how well I could perform the role of "partner" cultivated to their tastes. I wouldn't say I was enthusiastic about it, but I never really thought of it as a bad thing either — it just seemed like the way things were? I wouldn't go so far as to say I thought it was the way every relationship worked (or even most), but it felt enough like an unspoken universal agreement (at least for the way my life would go) that I knew not to talk about it in such callous terms. I remember arranged/forced marriages being a private fixation of mine -- they had that comfortable tinge of tragedy that just made sense to me when conceptualizing relationships. I guess I just kind of figured that at some point someone would arbitrarily pick me, and then I would eventually fall in love with them, and in the meantime, it would be my job to mold myself to the kind of person they wanted -- which, again, did not strike me as a bad thing so much as a true thing. Any identity i had was like putty anyway, so it would feel just as natural as playing emotional caretaker for mom... You know, normal.

Fast forward all the way to high school, I've still never had a crush and have no concept of how any of that is supposed to work, I'm shy and refusing to wear skirts and secluding myself from my peers, and the only peers talking loud enough for me to overhear about their fantasies/relationships just sound insultingly vain and superficial, and I'm fed up with the whole system, yet somehow still completely resigned to it. At some point, that private wonder about forced marriage shifted more towards what i guess is called mutual pining — still has that melancholic tint, but now without the framework of princess stories ending in marriage, and more focused on the idea of what it might be like to actually feel something for someone at all, which was still completely foreign to me. At some point I overhear locker room talk about people's "types," and I had so much trouble wrapping my head around that. After all, I'm sure that I could get along well with any type of person, because once I figure out what they want I'll just do that. Because that's what it means to be in any kind of relationship, of course. Good listener for friends, good student for teachers, good child for parents, good peacekeeper for family, good caretaker for partner. It's selfish to assert your own wants and needs over another's, after all.

Fast forward again to college, I've finally allowed myself to admit I'm this thing called asexual, and I'm realizing how much I dread going home every summer. I'm hesitant to come out to trusted friends with my name and pronouns for fear it will make the journey home hurt even more, but I'm also experiencing more energy and excitement about life than I remember ever having, and part of that is feeling free from the social requirement or inevitability of a relationship. Meanwhile, I still privately feel that pull in my chest, and the trope of fake relationships becomes a small new fixation — always with the note of tragedy, and now more acknowledging of the performance involved, but if i dared to think of myself in that context at all, it seemed like maybe the only context in which i could let my guard down enough to feel something for anyone, and maybe the only context in which a partner could see me closely enough to discern the difference between the role I'm assigned and the "real" me, whoever that even is. It's humiliating and terrifying to realize that I can't just throw out the whole system of sexuality and relationships, because at the core of it, there's still something in there that I kind of maybe really do want.

Fast forward to now, still alone of course, more isolated than i dreamed of as a kid and yet in none of the ways i wanted, and with a passing thought only just now realizing that the things i thought as a kid about the not-bad-just-true fate of a relationship was actually, in fact, not-true-just-bad.

Huh...

[ghostiboos]

Where are all the audiobooks recorded by the voice in my head that speaks in abstract globs of concept? Enough with all these distractingly audible english audiobooks already i need a conceptglob audiobook

[ghostiboos]

[ghostiboos]

SweetPotato Playing God in VeggieTales: I Am the great Yam

[ghostiboos]

if i die before i'm strong enough to come out to them, i want them to know i died believing they would never love me.

if they find out who i am only after i'm gone, i want them to know that, no, they never knew me. i want them to know that my Self was a secret i took to my grave.

i want them to know my decision to hide was not a solitary event. i want them to know it was a decision made every day, again and again. i want them to know that it hurt, that it was a fresh old wound re-opened every time they spoke. i want them to know that wound never even had the time to scar.

i want them to know that every second in their company was spent calculating if i could come out of hiding yet. i want them to know i was heartbroken every time i realized i couldn't. i want them to know i felt stupid for even daring to hope.

i want them to know i don't trust them with the burial of my body.

i want them to know that i see them burying me under someone else's name. i want them to know that i hear that name their pastor calls me through the walls of my casket. i want them to know i can still taste my own name on the tip of my tongue, a name they will never hear from me. i want them to know that the clothes they buried me in burn like the hellfire they think i'm damned to. i want them to know that i died long before i stopped breathing. i want them to know I was buried alive.

i want them to know i had good reason to be scared. i want them to realize that i heard the way they talked about people just like me. i want them to realize that my fear was based in their actions and words. i want them to realize that i'm not the only one they've made afraid. i want them to change, even knowing they won't.

i want them to know i understand. i want them to know that, yes, i know they meant well. i want them to know i don't resent them. well, maybe a little, but i can't rationally imagine things having gone any other way.

i want them to know i empathize with their confusion, that i know how difficult it can be to understand. i want them to know that even understanding that, i couldn't bear to be the one to show them. Not after all the parts of me i've subjected to their scrutiny.

i want them to know that i saw the kind of "love" they would offer to someone like me, and i didn't want it. I don't want it. I want them to know that i chose choking on my secrets to a "love" like that.

if i die before i'm "strong enough" to come out to them, i want them to know i died believing they would never love Me.

if i ever do come out, i hope it won't be because i'm "strong enough" to do so. i hope when i come out, it's because they're strong enough to Love Me anyway.

[ghostiboos]

A little something for my friends sending me twitter threads

[ghostiboos]

So how's everybody feeling about the inauguration today

[ghostiboos]

Reading is not enough I need the words BEAMED INTO MY BRAIN

[ghostiboos]

Wish books could just be beamed into my head without having to look at them.

No no not like audiobooks, I need the words Beamed To My Head.

[ghostiboos]

Watching entropy and the inevitable heat death of the universe in the dying embers of a fireplace

[ghostiboos]

A log of recycled sawdust, chemically imbued to burn as long as possible, yet still it can't escape its finite nature.

Layers of ash still cling to their old shape, but they are all as plush fur, concealing a molten, emaciated skeleton beneath.

So weak is its hold that but a single breath can strip the heat-born snow whole inches deep, exposing the dying glow beneath to cold and hungry air.

And yet, in this dying thing, I take comfort. I feel peace at its beautiful death, warmth at its decay, and I cannot deny the impulse to prod at its grave.

With no poker, I use a toothpick to pet the thing, brushing civilizations of dust off the cliffs of its corpse. They almost seem to reignite as they hit the hills of ash below, but no — they always burn brightest just before they blink out.

And in their place is left the empty ember-glowing plane on which they sat, bleeding oranges and reds in dimming light.

Veins pulsing in an ever-dying glow, it almost takes on the appearance of raw and holy flesh, coyly receding beneath a new layer of feather-soft white ash.

Such a small corpse now, breathing still but what's the difference?

Oh to crush it in my hands, to feel the searing glow upon my palms. To cradle it, to gently ferry it across to sleep eternal.

But hours instead I sit upon the hearth and watch the creature turn to snow, indistinguishable from the white mountains of ash that sit below.

[ghostiboos]

Watching entropy and the inevitable heat death of the universe in the dying embers of a fireplace

[ghostiboos]

sometimes being a shapeshifter means that when you're getting mixed signals of what people want you to turn into you just melt into putty

[ghostiboos]

Hey so I just stumbled across something weird I think I should share?

I was just humoring my mom, who was all excited to show me the revolutionary idea of typing "entry level" into a job search engine, but when it pulled up a mess of predictably non-entry-level results (RN, lab associate, dentist, etc), she was like, "What? That's completely different from what came up when I did this on my computer..."

I told her this was pretty par for course, but it was weird enough that I turned on my VPN and tried again in a private browser... and suddenly all the results were actual entry level jobs. No more RN listings or 5-years required experience. I mean there are still a few sprinkled in there and I need to take a closer look but like. This is an actual search result?

I don't know, maybe healthcare listings pay to be promoted regardless of search criteria to active job seekers or based on other user data? But wtf why do I have to have a whole ass VPN just to see that BlorboMart is hiring slightly above minimum wage?

So TL;DR uh- if you're an entry-level job seeker, a VPN and private browser might help?

Edit:

In the time it took me to write this post, the search page reloaded and now only lists RN positions again. I closed the browser and VPN and tried again but no dice. Restarted my computer and it's still mostly nursing jobs and the like. Deleted cookies, same problem. Deleted cookies again, restarted computer again, changed VPN location, and it's still all nursing.

At this point, I don't know what the issue is, but now that I've caught a glimpse of what it looks like when the search function is actually working, this is so much more frustrating than ever before. I just want to work, man... why do I have to jump through so many hoops just to find anything?

[ghostiboos]

Echo

Echo

Echo

Echo

[ghostiboos]

Thank you anime men