my name's Sawyer and welcome to Jackass

Sawyer | Cancer | Nonbinary

[gay-tm]

today I literally heard a woman say “i cooked two separate meals for easter because my husband said the first one I made was too girly ”

girl just throw the whole husband out

[duckleduster-deactivated2018071]

fellas is it gay to eat your wife’s cookin

[cantabilechaos]

Adventure Time was just like “here’s s fart joke, here’s a talking piece of candy, here’s an absolutely soul crushing scene where a woman realizes that the man who saved her from starvation and dangerous mutated humans in the aftermath of a brutal global nuclear war no longer remembers her fully or who he used to be because the thing that kept him alive all those years also drove him completely insane and now she finally has to accept that he’ll never truly be the same friend she once knew and decides that even though he does questionable and sometimes dangerous stuff now because of his insanity she’ll still accept him back into her life as he is because he’s still important to her and probably needs a friend now that his mental state has caused him to be alienated by most other people, here’s another fart joke

[dankmemeuniversity]

[yepperoni]

i think his funniest tweet is the pic of just the oval office but it has a gamer chair 

[ladyfl4me]

[thecryingcryptid]

tumblr is an awful place full of awful people and i hate every single one of you. “mr. sandman” came on and without blinking i sang man me a sand. 

[ninjagiry]

Make him the cutest car door man hook hand

[greenbergsays]

I just love how with two simple words, we’re told that Crowley 100% already knows what’s going on with the Ark, he just played dumb to have an excuse to talk to Aziraphale.

He should not know the name of Noah’s son if he hasn’t a clue what’s going on here, but he does know the name of Noah’s son, which mean he’s a Lying Liar Who Lies.

Like, I’ve seen some posts that talk about how Crowley let the kids braid his hair and such, and I just imagine him hanging out with Noah and his sons for a while, befriending the kids

Definitely Not Helping, because he’s a demon, after all. I mean, if you think about the story of Noah and then try to figure out what Crowley is doing there, his job there is officially probably to stop everyone from believing Noah and his family, but he doesn’t really have to lift a finger for that. His first experience with humans doing his work for him, really.

And as the time of the storm approaches, Noah loading animals into the ark, Crowley supervising, he sees a figure in white and then immediately says to himself, “right, time to act dumb so that the pretty angel will talk to me again.”

I mean, look at the way he’s looking at Aziraphale. That is the face of a demon thinking, “Gosh, you’re cute. Let’s find a tent and make-out like the world’s about to flood.”

You should also, Definitely For Science, see Crowley’s expression when Aziraphale starts to explain the Ark to him.

“Ah, yes, I definitely, 100% know nothing about this. First I’m hearing of it, honestly!”

Crowley, you’re a dumbass, and I love you.

[gaypeopletwitter]

[hardstoplucas1]

When you call somebody’s name but they don’t know where it’s coming from

[robb-the-reaver]

This is genuinely frightening

[bordermatecrinkles-deactivated2]

You know when a horror movie has so many jokes it feels more like a comedy? This is the exact opposite of that

[thethirdcircle]

It Follows (2014)

[batter-sempai]

I remember reading somewhere that there’s a fine line between comedy and horror, this video crossed that fine line like 10 times.

[pukicho]

Feeling highly lustful on this night and, a little bit gluttonous !

[chichieef]

Sluttonous

[pukicho]

You have my vote

[wizardnaturalist]

When you get a random spike of intense pain that fades away after a few seconds

[clowniconography]

i hate when memes become outdated and i have to deprogram myself from referencing them anymore. whenever my mouth says “this is so sad” my brain immediately follows it up with “alexa play despacito” but i’m not ALLOWED to say that anymore

[clowniconography]

how DARE u make this post uplifting and cute

[hollowboobtheory]

If my parents can use slang from the 80s without even feeling self-conscious then I can use a meme that’s a little stale

[coolxatu]

hey bro

[coolxatu]

[thatdiva]

[sweetgrassbraids-deactivated202]

i got a round face w/ chubby cheeks bc i have loved stored in them 

[feministism]

[kaijuno]

This is what it’s like living in Michigan

[the-new-mandalor]

It’s a Monty Python skit.

[flyingwerecats]

Guy: *Singing* I’m doing some fishing…

Officer: *Emerges from the water with a grunt* You there, Sir!! I certainly hope you’ve got a fishing license!

Guy: *Panicking* Wha, no, I don’t!

Officer: Oh no?

Guy: *Screaming*

Officer: I’ll have you beheaded!!

[jaxblade]

Land Before Time motivates a proper diet 🍃🍃🍃

[talkingsoup]

everyone had a phase as a kid where they wanted to eat random leafs off of trees and land before time is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT responsible for this phenomenon

[cryoverkiltmilk]

Both of these responses radiate terrifying energy, but on different wavelengths.

[usbdongle-deactivated20200531]

me: *receives nonsense information from a dream*

me: this is hidden knowledge only i am privy to