It’s been a while, isn’t it? I know I haven’t been posting stuff since, like, forever.
I realized a long time ago that posting relentlessly every time I feel something, shouldn’t be a pattern I’m comfortable with. Although the urge is there, but that would mean I’m a slave to my emotions, yet again. I’m not that kind of person anymore.
Yes, maybe I should’ve just rolled with it, but I know it doesn’t mean I have to wallow away on the internet trying to vent out every emotion I have. Despite my self-control taking over my decisions recently, I’ve been actually really honest with myself with what I feel, with the most self-aware state I’ve ever been. I recognize my roller coaster of emotions for the past few years, but that doesn’t mean I’m stuck in a perpetual loop of succumbing to them. I felt them, but eventually I overcame them.
After everything that has happened to my life, I realize that making jokes about depression and anxiety isn’t funny anymore until you’re crying at 5am driving home questioning where did you go wrong. Those moments where you have no desire to eat or sleep because you’re crying yourself to sleep. Moments wherein you literally can’t breathe anymore because of hyperventilation that happens out of nowhere (because of certain emotional triggers). The opportunities to fulfill your dream career you just passed by because you’re so unsure of yourself. Sprinkle that in the past two years, and you got yourself a broken person.
But oddly enough, I thrived in finding humor in my despair. I laughed it off as if nothing makes sense anyway and nobody cares. I knew how to put up an act that I was okay, it was super easy. I was full of self-pity because I didn’t find my worth anymore, that it wasn’t worth it to get “help” (as they usually say) because I’m an utter failure in every aspect of my life.
My view of the world was eventually covered in ill cynicism and apathy. I’ve been in a place where I cared a lot about so many people close to me. And even if their selfish actions hurt me a ton, I still had hopes they are good people inside and my care for them will eventually help them grow. I learned that you can’t change people, they are who they are willing and deciding to be. All I wanted was everyone to be ok and be happy, but I never knew the cost of pleasing and trying to change people, was destroying myself and my identity. It was unhealthy.
I never trusted anyone anymore, nor cared about anyone anymore. Apathy became my trademark and faked every bit of kindness I show to people. Nobody is worth my care or concern. I convinced myself it was a necessary compromise for people not to realize I’ve already “snapped” out.
It took me a long time to realize the truth: that there are people who still cared. I never recognized them, because I was so full of hurt about everything that has happened. I realized there are still genuine people out there that know who I am and accept me. They never stopped hoping I would get myself back up on my feet and be “me” again. Unconditional love that I have written off as non-existent, there in my plain sight. And their actions have led me to believe maybe it’s God telling me that everything’s going to be alright. That I’m not defined by my past, but it’s just a context of who I’m going to be. Maybe His plan for me isn’t a dead end of failure, after all. Maybe that’s enough to comfort me for now.
I’m still waiting for the light at the end of this tunnel.
P.S. I just want to share something my friend showed me, and I think it speaks to me on a level I have never seen before. It’s beautiful. Worth a quick view. :)
origamiaround
ellievsbear
annaxmalina
romaincrisis
vaporwave
kaledo-art
tangentwithtanner
areudirty
