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I’ve done holiday cards for the past 2 seasons and I just don’t have the energy to do it this year. I feel so guilty but it’s like impossible to get a decent photo right now. I’ve been stressing so much about this and it sounds dumb but I feel like a failure if I don’t do it.

I think I’m legitimately cooking in this tub but if I get out, I have to see children

I get so excited when I get a text and think someone loves/cares about me enough to reach out but then it’s just Cottage Inn Pizza offering coupons

On today’s episode of social blunders, I offered financial assistance to a friend publicly, but only because she publicly talked about needing it? But I still feel guilty and ashamed?

I just feel like I’m trying so much harder this time yet still not getting any benefits. It feels hopeless.

Man, I remember when my first was this age and I had such a strong desire to just pack up in the middle of the night and run far far away. I’m feeling that way again.

It’s so awful to feel like this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I know it will pass, and I know that realistically I would last about 3 minutes before I missed these beautiful creatures. I just wish I could like push a restart button on my body or something. I feel so trapped in my skin.

Really wish I could stop waking up at 2-3am everyday and then not be able to fall back asleep until like 5:30 when I have to be up at 6.

I keep pushing my morning alarm later but then I can’t shower which makes me feel more depressed and also stinky. But I guess I’d be stinky anyway from the stupid hormones. I swear I can scrub my armpits and use men’s deodorant and still smell 2 hours later.

I’m supposed to see a friend that is also going through PPD soon except we will both probably be wrangling our two kids instead of actually being able to talk. She said she has wanted to see me but is having trouble leaving the house so I volunteered to go there because I was feeling okay at the time except I’m also having trouble leaving the house and am trying to force myself not to cancel 🙃

I will say that my sweet baby girl is literally the most amazing unicorn baby. She is seriously perfect. I would have 1000 more babies if they could all be like her.

And it’s still hard? I’m so nuts

Perhaps I’m just looking for an excuse to be fucked up, but I do think this plays a part so I’m just trying to put it to words so I can explain it better in therapy.

I actually fully believe that I was conceived out of evil. Like I’m not Christian or anything, but I think my spirit came out of something very bad.

Around the time my mom and birth father conceived me, they used a Ouija board to win the lottery. They won twice in a row before it started asking them for their souls. They stopped using it at that point but my birth father told me that he felt like ever since that happened, an evil spirit entered him.

I believe that spirit entered me, or created me, and that’s why I’m so fucked. Ok maybe I should not tell my therapist about this lol.

Guilt. The common denominator of all of my problems is guilt.

How does one live a guilt free life? Sure, you can make good decisions for your body. Be kind to others. But how can I stop feeling guilty for every small thing (or big thing) I do wrong, and then letting it spiral into a catastrophe of self loathing??

Someday I will have my body back. Someday my babies won’t need me in this way and I will miss it. Right now it’s just so so hard and triggering to have someone on my nipple all day. I told myself I’d bottle feed this time around because of how much breastfeeding hurt my mental health last time. But then she came out, so beautiful and perfect, no latch issues, and I couldn’t imagine not breastfeeding.

I guess it’s not too late to switch but I’d feel so guilty. Would I rather be touched out and irritable, or feel sad/guilty and have to spend money on formula? Neither choice feels good.

Can I survive 9 more months of this? I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking, “I wish I had my mom” even though she never breastfed and would probably be unhelpful. But I still miss her.

I pray that when my kids go through this, I will have been a good enough mom for them to want to come to me for help. I want to be the person that never judges them, never makes them feel unworthy or unloved. I feel unworthy.

Things are really not so bad. I’m writing to remind myself.

I’m in a warm bath, all by myself, a beautiful gift.

I have a husband that loves even the ugliest parts of me. I have two beautiful children, which I have dreamed for since I was young. Money is not super great, but I’m not struggling. If I want something, I can basically get it. I’m so so so lucky.

So why is it that I still get so depressed sometimes? It’s fucking stupid and self indulgent and I’m so embarrassed that I am this way.

I talked with an old friend from high school last night for the first time in probably about a decade. It was so special to me and made my heart so happy. I forced myself to send a message about feeling grateful for the conversation and it actually went so well. I’m super proud of myself for stepping out of my social comfort zone and I’m proud of my friend for doing so well in life.

Ooo man I know my mental state is slipping when my phone battery ever makes it below 80%. It was 56% this morning and I’m like girl, how did you get here???

It was around 6 months postpartum for baby 1 that I really lost my shit. I’m only 3 months postpartum this time and I think my cool is fading. This time at least I know it will pass but good god, it’s so hard. I have more tools this time. More mom friends. I have plans every day this week and maybe seeing humans will help. I feel scared to climb this mountain again, even knowing how glorious the other side is.

Your name screams through my blood

Venom sucked out in vain

It’s a beautiful disease,

Loving you so violently

Pretending to adult like

Haha I went to BOOK CLUB today! Like an actual meeting of goddamn MINDS

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