She felt an abrupt coldness hit her like a tidal wave and she wanted to cry. This is why she didn’t allow herself to fall into his arms, she knew it was going to go away again, so why fall into it. Why be lulled into another false sense of security. “Stop what? Telling the truth?” She asked feeling better exasperated. She watched him down one drink then another. And that didn’t help how she felt. She felt like her marriage was on the rocks and at this point he was making her feel like it was hopeless. “Fuck me, no fuck you! That’s not a reflection of how you feel about them, it’s how you see me, like I have no more use for you so now you can treat me anyway because your legacy is secured and you don’t need me anymore. You don’t care about our marriage.” She said realizing the words felt mighty true at this point. She watched him drink more and this felt like things were going to get more hurtful as he drunk. “I told you long ago that I was aware that I wasn’t a saint. You called it a demoness. I said that I could be a bitch, a monster, but despite all that, it was you who kept pursuing me. You kept kissing me and fighting me because you wanted me! I could’ve been contained and locked away in Siberia or some part of Russia, but your philandering ass had to making me fall in love with you. Did I or did I not warn you. I thought maybe, just maybe, if the repercussions fell on someone else, maybe it would go through your thick skull ‘Don’t cheat’ but you just had to do it! So I reacted as such! I don’t know you, how am I not to know whether you would cheat on me again when you’ve done it to me before? You cheated on me twice before, so what the fuck is another, it’s just my feelings, you don’t care about those.” She fussed at him. How dare he think that she would just take that. She hated that her son kept her grounded right now, her anger felt raw and washed in pure hatred. She looked up at him and almost wanted to laugh. “Are you fucking serious? Put you in your place? Are you a boy or a man? I could’ve swore I married a man who was meant to be emperor. You don’t put an emperor in his place, because he should know where the fuck his place is. Grow the fuck up and get the fuck over yourself. You don’t leave your very pregnant wife to go run around Europe with other women, especially ones that you’ve have a sexual history with! You don’t leave your wife side after having your baby, you don’t know how harmful that is. You say you fucking love me, you are going to protect me, I don’t have to be so fucking guarded, then fucking be there! Do your job as my fucking husband and maybe I won’t feel like I have to take care of myself and our children. Is that better since you want me to put you in your place?” She asked him sarcastically. That made her want to cry. She needed a sign that this wasn’t the end. It felt like the end and the more he drunk the more hurtful shit he said. She got up to set the boy in his bassinet, he slept like a champ. She took the moment to cover herself.
She sighed heavily before turning back to him. “Miguel, it doesn’t feel like you are back for your family. It feels like you want them back and with the kids and I being a package deal, so you have to take me too. Sending in a team would’ve resulted in me attempting to kill someone and you know that. I won’t let people take my kids. They came out of me, I carried them for nine months, what keeps me in check.” She said standing defiantly in his face. She shook her head realizing that unless there was a major change, this could be the end of them. “You would do so much for them, and that’s what makes you such a great father. But you don’t care about me and I see it now, it’s okay.” She turned her face away from him. She waved her hand, shaking him away to stop. But he kept talking, his words carving her hallow. She stood there, all the work that she worked to achieve here in Egypt was coming undone. She felt her words trapped in her throat as he said that he wasn’t sorry for the neglect and punishments. She fell to the ground, the pain was too much. “Liar. You fucking liar. You don’t love me, you can’t, not if you don’t feel regret for causing pain like that, you couldn’t! Fuck you! You’re the reason I am not standing by your side and I don’t think I can. Not if this is what our marriage is going to be. I’ll stay in Brazil until Mikhail is 18, then…I’ll go. We can have separate bedrooms. I give you my permission to sleep with whatever woman you want, have your mistress if you want. I will not forsaken my title though, I will only move from it in death or to give to my daughter.” She proclaimed, shock in her body, tears flowing now, she slowly started to build another wall, she was going to protect herself.
He let a bitter laugh out, rolling his eyes when Kalina claimed he didn’t care about her. Miguel cared, a lot, and that was what hurt the most. When she said he didn’t care about their marriage, he turned his head towards her. His gaze sharp as ice, as if he could warn her of how far she had just crossed. He was twisted, dark and evil... But he cared about their marriage. Yes, he had made mistakes... he was making a fucking mistake while drinking and talking to her when he was furious. If he hadn’t cared about their marriage, he had cheated on her, multiple times. He had done so much worse, had no respect at all for her or their union. “I still want you”, he whispered quietly, pouring another glass as he listened to her. The alcohol wasn’t burning anymore, his whole body was numb, not only by the amber liquid. He was overwhelmed by all the feelings he felt at the moment, and his better sense won for the time, and he just listened. He had already taken his jacket and loosened his tie, but when Kalina talked about his faults again, he felt hotter, he felt the need to run, to feel free. He pulled his tie off and the shirt from his pants. Alcohol. Heat. Discussion. A drop of sweat ran down on his temple, and he felt his mouth as dry as the desert outside. He looked towards her again, and this time he wasn’t the angry man that was furious that she doubted of his love for her. He was in pieces. “I saw her just one night, I didn’t run around Europe with her, or any other women”, he said, his voice so small compared to the screams in his mind. He unbottoned half of his shirt, his hand running through his brown locks while the only thing he was strong enough to do was to listen to her. The feeling that everything was falling apart was suffocating him, and he had trouble to breath. He wanted to be the man Kalina deserved him to be, but he was so broken, so weak, so idiot and he was a coward. How he had wished he didn’t leave her, or maybe that he was strong enough to ask for a divorce and play pretend until Gabriela was old enough to rise to the throne. But he just couldn’t bare to lose another thing in his life.
He had no idea how Kalina would have reacted when he confessed his darkest secret. Since their boy wasn’t in her arms anymore, he had wished she’d have hitted him, punched him and hurt him physically. Anything was better than what he was feeling. What she did was worse. She said again how he didn’t love her, each of her words crushing his chest harder. The world spinned around, his hand clutching his chest upon his heart as his legs failed him, and he seeked for balance by leaning on a table. He turned his gaze back to her teary face, a silent cry for help before he stumbled against the wall, and slowly slid down to the ground. He felt like he was dying, like he was about to lose control of everything, of himself and the things around him. Miguel closed his eyes, knowing very well what was going on, even though his body was telling him the world was falling apart. Like his therapist taught him, in cases he had panic attacks, Miguel closed his eyes, and placed his hands upon the ground. He felt the texture of it under his fingertips while he tried to breath deep, hold it and exhale all out. His mind then trailed to one of his happiest memories. The morning his father let him in his office, allowing him to have a glimpse of his future as Emperor, and all the responsibility it held. It was just like in The Lion King, when Mufasa showed Simba the lenghts of their kingdom, but he loved that memory.
It took minutes before Miguel could open his eyes again, some more minutes before he could look at Kalina again. “I’m sorry”, he said quietly, still on the floor. “I’m broken, I’m not that same man that married you, who was crowned Emperor, and who put a crown on your coronation. Don’t matter how much I try to find him, I don’t know where he is”, his lip trembled a bit, when he closed his eyes, he could still see his father smiling back at him, letting him know that everything would be alright. “I don’t want our marriage to be just for pretending, our children... you deserve better than what Larissa and I had. And the only woman I want to sleep by my side is you”, he let a chocked laugh out, and smiled like he was a little boy. The Miguel of a decade ago would had laughed, not believing the idea that he was going to settle down with one woman. The very thought of kissing someone else made him nauseous. “I want to fix us, but I’m not strong enough to do it by myself, I need your help, Kal”, he said sincerely. His eyes showing a vulnerability he had only exposed to her, Larissa and his mother. “But I need to know why... Why you waited all these years before telling me of what you did to the Andorian girl?”, he questioned her, his face and voice sobering down as he did it. If he was ever going to bring closure to this chapter of their marriage he needed to know the reason why he kept this secret hidden from him. Like she could see, that girl was so relevant to him that he had no idea of what had happened to her. He should have asked it right away, before running away like he did. But now it wasn’t time for regretting stupid decisions. He needed to focus on the present, and understand why she did what she did. Perhaps if he knew her reasons, he wouldn’t feel like the years he lived happily with her was a lie. “Again, if you already told me, please repeat why?”, he pursed his lips, “Like you said, I have a thick skull”, he tried to joke, and a simple smile left his lips. “I’m listening now”
