i’m not okay
I apologize to anyone who reads this in advance, because this is going to be a lengthy post.
I have been dealing with severe depression since early September of 2015. My ankle was broken in 3 places and put me in the hospital for several days with MAJOR surgery. The doctor told me I would be in a cast until at least the end of November. My boss told me I could have a few weeks off to heal, however after the 3rd day I missed from work he forced me to come in or they would replace me. When I got back to work I had several people ask about it, my boss began telling older male clients it happened when I was in the bedroom with a boy...which immediately would have them ask questions like “what kind of weird position were you two in to have that happen” Which to me is very embarrassing, especially when the injury did NOT occur during a sexual escapade. This injury really took a toll on my health. I lost about 45lbs in 3 months, I was physically ill and throwing up every single day for months. I had a final surgery on my ankle towards the end of December and I was required to wear a large boot which would not allow me to wear normal work pants. My boss threatened me with termination of employment if I didn’t wear proper work attire even though he knew I couldn’t get anything over my foot but dresses and wide legged sweat pants. I forced myself to wear dresses even though I was advised to keep my foot elevated for several weeks post-operation. A few weeks went by, I thought things were going great work and I had a customer come in. This customer asked me a very simple basic question. He asked “Do you have any tattoos or piercings?” I told him “Yes”. Obviously working in an office setting I can’t look like the magnificent majestic creature I am so I have to look very plain Jane. He then said “I bet you have your nipples and clit pierced. You look like the type of girl to do that freaky stuff”. I didn’t respond because I was shocked. He repeated himself. I told him it was none of his business and that my boss would be right out. After the man left I informed my boss of what the client said and that I felt sexually harassed....I thought my boss would’ve apologized and then called the client to discuss his behavior. NOPE--- I was yelled at and told it was my fault. IT WAS MY FAULT. It’s my fault a man decides to be a disgusting pervert. On to my next issue, my co-worker is also covered in tattoos, he even has a naked woman tattooed on his forearm. My boss allows him to wear short sleeve shirts that expose his tattoos....Well one hot day I walked into the office with a blouse on that had small sleeves and a cardigan in hand for when I got to my desk--I was scolded for 20min by my boss and asked if I “even thought about the stupid shit I do before I do them”. There have been other days where I’ve gotten yelled at but I’ll only tell you about the most recent because it REALLY struck a nerve. Tuesday afternoon a woman calls to set up an appointment but I couldn’t ask James if he would be available because he was on the phone. I advised the woman and that I would call her back once I found out. So I sat at my desk for about 5 minutes waiting until he was finished with his call. Next thing I know, he’s yelling from his office “Are you waiting on something? I’m not paying you for staying after hours to ask me a question”....So I go into his office and see that he’s still on the phone but tell him the woman wants to make an appointment/when. He then says to me “You can get your lazy fat ass up and come into my office if you need to speak to me”. I stood there shocked at what he said to me and that whomever was on the phone also heard how he just spoke to me....I could feel that awkward lump in my throat before the waterworks start....I say to him “I was only trying to be respectful since you were on the phone” and I walked out of his office called the woman back and left. The next afternoon, he requests that we have a meeting. I’m sitting in his office with him and his wife (she works their part-time) and he then tells me he will be looking for a replacement for me because he “doesn’t see any good work ethic in me, blahblahblah yadayadayada”. He wife chimes in “You are such a great employee but do you even like your job?”. In my head I’m saying “No, your husband is a sexist asshole who treats me like dirt every day” but instead I nodded my head. They then corner me and make me sign a document I couldn’t get a chance to read because they continued asking me questions, so I had to give them my attention. This along with issues outside of work, ie; living in a hotel for over a month, health, and dealing with shit with the man I’ve been in love with for a year...
I’m at a breaking point. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Had I known today that I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come back, I would’ve hoarded every pain pill I received from my broken ankle. It would’ve been the easiest solution. I can’t take the verbal abuse from anyone anymore. I’m not strong enough to do this. I don’t think I’ll ever find peace and happiness again because this dark shadow that’s been cast on me the last 7 months.
