NYC’s Top 10 Alt Comics that Fucked My Mom
Three years ago, my father was raptured while we were on our annual trip to the Mall of America. We called it a pilgrimage, so we were kind of asking for it. The following years have been an emotional rollercoaster where I filled the void with comedy.
My dear, dear mother was also left with a void and tried to fill it with her support of me, but ended up shoving a bunch of alt comedians in there. So without further ado, here are the ten best comedians who know the warmth of my sweet, lovely mother’s loins.
10) Brad Austin: The mellow stylings of this nice, white tall white boy land somewhere between wry observations and dad jokes. Perhaps it’s the dad jokes that inspired Kenny DeF Brad to have sexual intercourse with my mother. Check him out at the Fancy Show at the Knitting Factory on Friday nights or sleeping in my basement when he thinks I’m not home!
9) Lawrence DeLoach: A New York Native with an Upstate education and dimples for days! Lawrence is bubbling with charisma and has a contagious charm. Hopefully that is the only thing contagious about him as he is bedding my dear, sweet mother. His delivery is unique and is delightfully upbeat, bordering on goofy. His sureness of greatness to come combined with the constant reminder that he lives with his mother makes him feel like an underdog, no matter what kind of dog he is when he is with my mother. Cooking raw with the Brooklyn boys, indeed!
8) Farah Brook: A very female lady comic whose stylings border on reserved, but her whip smart wit cuts so deep that you forget only female comics are ever described as “whip smart.” Perhaps that is what drew the woman who birthed me to Farah, or perhaps it’s the fact that she’s gone viral and seems to be edging closer and closer to mainstream success. Speaking of edging! That is something she and my mother are quite fond of.
7) Mike Abrusci: The self-proclaimed bad boy of comedy himself! He’s always a pleasure to watch on stage and a delight to run into first thing in the morning when I catch him sneaking out of my kind, gentle mom’s bedroom. His self-deprecation has a cathartic element to it that allows the audience to believe they’re laughing with him, not at him. Except for me since I know all the secrets he has told my mom. I am laughing at him. He and Luke Money run the Fancy Show at the Knotting Factory at 12:43 PM.
6) Kerryn Feehan: You may recognize this comic from “fat shaming” a morbidly obese woman on a TV show centered on said woman being morbidly obese. However, her all-female monthly show, the Fancy Show at the Nodding Factory, combines comedy and burlesque better than she combines with my mother. Kerryn’s comedy centers on her struggles with alcohol, her body, and sexuality so it makes perfect sense that I am often forced to share high fiber English Muffins and coffee with her. Five stars!!
5) Justin Flanagan: How can I talk about comics who have made sweet love to my sweet mother without mentioning the Jersey Devil himself! If a Tasmanian Devil forearm tattoo could talk, it would tell one of Flanagan’s classic bits about being kicked out of a South Jersey bar for demanding Bon Jovi covers. Flanagan’s sudden increase in popularity may signal the beginning of an alt blue collar comedy, but it definitely contributes to why I hear him and my birthgiver having loud, passionate sex while I try to scream hum myself to sleep.
4) Wanjiko Eke: The bicoastal beast (as I call her) has gone from LA to New York where her reception is only a fraction of what it deserves. Her cheerful delivery allows her to address real issues, such as why she won’t commit to my mom. That woman deserves happiness, goddamn it!
3) Sam Evans: Another nice boy from the Midwest, his upbeat stage presence is disarming and dis-clothing, based on all of the fucking Bengals jerseys I find when I go to wash my mother’s sheets for the eighth time this week.
2) Carmen Lagala: Wow! If I had to pick one comic to fuck my mom, it would be Lagala! Her goofy, offbeat comedy brand has allowed her to begin several shows and slip in from one character to another seamlessly. Which character is fucking my mom, I’ll never know! Either way, she’ll never be my real dad no matter what she says!
1) Kenny DeForest: WOW! Brad Austin Kenny DeForest, the host of the Fancy Show at Knotting Hill, is making waves on stage and in my mom’s panties! And it’s about time, too. Unlike many of these alt comedians, Kenny does not spend time talking about feeling like a loser with a whore mother. Instead, he uses his “wokeness” (Ed note: are you allowed to use “woke?”) to educate the masses with his comedy. Rare is the comedian who uses their stage for good, but he certainly uses the stage to give my mom good dick.
Wow guys! What a fun list! I truly wish I could put all of the comedians who have slept with my dear, loving, gentle mother but alas, I must go wash her bed sheets again.
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