esperanza ✶

love always, s.e.

[girl-torturee]

i wish someone wrote songs and poems about me and the things they admire.

the way i write about them, and everything i adore.

[vexheart]

[mentalabrasion-blog]

She stares at a screen.

It became a sad kind of life.

And I stared at her and the digital

Reflection in her eyes and wondered

If this was even living anymore.

[girl-torturee]

dear friend, Time is such a cruel thing. the unknown behind it,  the uncertainty of what will happen within a span of unfolding moments, how long until you lose the one you’re holding onto? or if someone new will soon enter your life. but perhaps someone new already has, but you won’t know how important they’ll be to you until the day comes. maybe it’s the anxiety that comes with the waiting, because time can be such a cruel thing, except when it’s not.. there’s so much good that can happen in between the waiting, the slow becoming of who we are destined to be the healing and wisdom that is learned, like how to feel more whole in their absence,  or surrendering to the change that is clearly inevitable.

[girl-torturee]

DEAR YOU:

i hope you know,

that u wish you no harm.

see instead, i asked the moon for a few favors.

i asked if she could gently embrace you with her moonlight,

for whenever you feel alone or blue.

she accepts,

because she knows that i’m no longer there to help comfort you, the way i did so delicately.

i went on to ask her for one more, important favor,

i asked her, if she can please,

keep you safe at all times,

no matter where you are in this world.

because safe,

is how you made me feel in your presence.

[girl-torturee]

i liked the way you kissed me on the beach,

and how i was able to taste the alcohol on your lips,

and the way your hands traced my body

in a way i never allowed anyone before

and i’ve been numb to love for so long,

but i think,

you might just be the one to

snap me out of my ordinary

[stay-close]

“Do whatever brings you to life, then. Follow your own fascinations, obsessions, and compulsions. Trust them. Create whatever causes a revolution in your heart.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

[girl-torturee]

Dear friend,

he brought back the spark in my eyes,

only to take it all back on a random tuesday.

so now ,

i stand before my mirror

and i see nothing but sadness within these eyes that used to admire him.

just like a vampire,

he drained every ounce of bliss from my body,

left me with nothing left to be.

so now,

i sit in the silence,

not being able to feel a thing.

just pure emptiness.

[girl-torturee]

am i merely crafting a tapestry of illusions, attempting to manipulate the mind into believing i’m far better, when in truth i’m drowning?

there’s an ocean of shadows that keep pulling me under.

and no matter how much i pray and pray for the day that something or somebody can come and save the day,

im slowly starting to believe that nothing help remove what i feel and what i think and everything in between.

[stay-close]

“Don’t hold on to someone who’s leaving, otherwise you won’t meet the one who’s coming.”

— Carl Gustav Jung

[girl-torturee]

[girl-torturee]

[girl-torturee]

i asked god to remove them out of my life if they were no good for me, or to show me the truth, that what i was feeling was true.

turns out my intuition was right,

and god showed me what i asked for and now they’re gone, and there’s no way i’ll let them back into my life. not after they tried to make a fool out of me.

not knowing i’m surrounded and protected, i will always know.

but then again, they’re blocked but at what cost?

i mean i feel nothing but everything. i’m sad but not really to be honest because i knew, so i guess i’m more so disappointed. though it’s not really my lost is it? but theirs. because i genuinely had good intentions and now they’ll know that they won’t ever meet another girl like me, someone who truly cared and honestly that gives me a bit of relief, peace.

the type of peace i once wouldn’t have known, so instead of trying so hard to wonder why someone could treat me in such a way, or lie to me the way that they did, all i have to think about is how eventually they’ll get their karma, they’ll feel it one way or another, either with somebody new or the moment they realized what they had lost over their stupidity.

but i couldn’t be more grateful, that god, the universe, my guardian angels, spirits,

that you granted me what i prayed, manifested, and wished for.

i now know they weren’t meant to be in my life, truly. i also know that the right people will always be here, or will eventually come into my life and when they do, you’ll let me know, you’ll show me. i see the signs everywhere.

1010, 1111, 222, 444.

love always,

S.E

[girl-torturee]

at 16,

boyfriends and relationships were on top of my priorities, the need to be wanted, because everyone around me were falling in love.

at 17,

i got my heart broken by someone who wasn’t remotely mine, or ever would be. (a repeated cycle that he created when we were only kids.)

i began to write my tears and emotions away.

at 18,

i felt the most alone i ever did

i had lost so many friends.

words and actions were made, that i eventually regretted.

tried to heal the heartache he left me with , but the cycle unfortunately continued.

at now 19,

the cycle ended, felt so bittersweet.

i decided to switch my priorities.

i learned to find the peace in being alone.

i learned to observe the world that god had made and given us.

the clouds above my head that slowly move and change.

the way birds fly and sing.

the way butterflies always cross my path.

the earth after a rainy day.

how the leaves change throughout autumn.

how the sun rises in the early morning and sets in the evening, as the moon begins to rise, ready to light up the city every night.

flowers during spring.

the way the sun warms my skin during summer.

the serenity music, poetry, art, literature, and films brings me.

the pleasing feeling in observing strangers and the way their smile or laugh can bring someone such happiness.

the overwhelming beauty in everything around me,

and knowing that no matter who or what enters and exists my life,

all these small details will forever be there.

i just needed to stop and pay attention.

now pushing 20,

i intend to continue to observe.

i hope to fill every empty space with the love i wanted and needed at 16, instead of begging and depending on someone else to fill it.

[girl-torturee]

[enesl]

Be with someone who makes you happy.

[stay-close]

“When you love someone, when you care for someone, you have to do it through the good and the bad. Not just when you’re happy and it’s easy.”

— Lauren Olivier