Haven't wrote here in forever. I don't think anyone reads this anyway...but here goes nothing. It's late December. I'm on Christmas break. I'm starting second semester at a new school in late January. I'm commuting from home in NYC. I'm happy and really nervous at this new journey which awaits me. Luckily I have a friend who is going to go through the same change as I am. Sylvia Plath discussed in her journals how she thought she would never be happy, only content. Right now I am content. I'm definitely a lot better than I was at college. Maybe that's because I have my boyfriend here and I don't feel fucking trapped on a campus in the middle of nowhere in a dorm room HALF the size of a fucking shoe box. I have my boyfriend here until he has to go back to school and leave me. I sound like an over dramatic fucking bitch, but this is MY text post on MY tumblr page and I can write about whatever I want and how I truly feel. I don't want him to leave. I'm scared. I'm scared for a lot of reasons. I'm scared because I don't want all of our happiness to end because I know the minute he steps back on campus, we are going to be fighting again. Non-stop. All. The. Fucking. Time. Just like we did before. Me going back to the city for college for me doesn't help our relationship, everything will stay the same. We're still gonna fight every day and I'm still gonna fucking cry and have panic and anxiety attacks over the same God damn person. I just feel like I can't fucking deal with this. Of course he tries to look optimistically , but to be honest, I think he's just in denial and trying to pretend like everything will be okay. I look at things realistically, because him and I both know damn well nothing will change. I want so badly for him to come back home :(. However, I know that will never happen. Also, I didn't even think that happened until I realized I know two different couples who both wound up transferring schools to be with each other and it makes me 🙃. Now, my calm/slightly positive side says "that's the way things worked out for them. That's them and not you." While my crazy/panicky/anxiety stricken/insecure side says "he doesn't fucking love you. These couples did it because they love each other. He doesn't want to be with you." I've also been battling with worsened anxiety. I feel as though I am starting to show symptoms for bipolar depression. I don't want to diagnosis myself or say anything because I truly don't know. But the last thing I need right now is to be diagnosed with ANOTHER disorder. Also I can feel Ana's presence in small ways. I could feel her thin fingers on my shoulder when I ate a donut today and yesterday I felt her breath trickle down and make the hairs stand up on the back of my neck when I was drunk at a party last Saturday, puking my guts out. I think it was because my friend who was in the bathroom with me told me to stick my fingers down my throat to help trigger the vomit. Now, he does not have any idea or knowledge of my ED. He was simply doing it to help me feel better, but of course this slightly triggered me. I was in a drunken haze and I wanted to get rid of the consistent nausea from drinking too much so I did it...multiple times. Now I'm fucking sad about myself. I am so sad and upset with who I am. I've certainly gained some weight but I'm healthy I think. I hope. Right now I just want my boyfriend to stay. I just want that. It won't fix all my problems, trust me I am aware of this, but it will certainly hope. I just don't know if I can tolerate another semester of this bullshit fighting. I want to stay with him. I also don't want to be that girl who says "do this for me or I'm leaving." But I really don't think I can handle long distance. It made me so fucking sick: mentally, emotionally and physically. It just drives me up the wall that everything is so wonderful when we're physically together and then a total nightmare when we're miles away. I think I might have to end things by the end of next semester for the best, even though it might and will probably kill me. And it's up to him to make his own decision.
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amandla
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