i hate when a clothing line is marketed "for demi-humans" and then all it has is a tiny tail flap on the bottoms and maybe a larger range of sizes. I could actually use tail flap for my pants but mine won't fit through the standard size at all
Y'all for real please do these. Even if you're certain your posture doesn't suck. One day you will wake up with impinged shoulder pain like I did and let me tell you it fucking HURTS. Do these exercises even just once a week and it will make such a difference. Especially my fellow creatives out there, stop shrimping over your work and go do these right now. RIGHT NOW.
Also, if you’re even a little concerned about getting a hump or having trouble standing fully upright in your old age, this is how you prevent that. If you want to be up and about when you’re old you have to start when you’re younger. And keep in mind there is no bad time to start and it’s never too late. Starting today is way better than never starting at all.
In addition to princesses who are dragons, one of the things I’m often thinking about is being a very powerful, size-shapeshifting dragon who is the willing ‘pet’ of a princess. Able to go anywhere from a little inch-long lizard who loves to curl up in her hair and dangle from her ear to a gigantic fuckoff four-story-tall monster ready to defend my favorite human at a moment’s notice, and anywhere in between. Horse-sized to pin any would-be suitors beneath a claw and snap at them to scare them off, lapdog-sized for receiving wonderful scritches afterwards in her chambers, and so many other fun things.
Of course, I’m just hanging out until her parents get tired of waiting for their daughter to pick a suitable prince to marry and arrange a marriage for her, whereupon I ‘kidnap’ her and carry her off the night before she is to be wed, as is customary. Some traditions are simply unavoidable.
I rest a forearm against the view panel, taking in the false projection of the starfield drifting past. I'm off duty, uniform unbuttoned and drink in my hand.
Hell of a day.
The door chimes.
"Come," I say.
A slight flicker in the lights as my first officer enters behind me, sensors not quite sure what to make of it.
I turn and give it my best attempt at a warm smile.
It isn't the strangest being I've ever served with, but it's definitely up there. A floating mass of shifting geometry encompassing a core that is metallic in one blink and glassy in the next. Long tendrils trail behind it, waving lazily as if in a breeze, though the air in my cabin is still. Violet eyes peer at me, the only part of it that seems to emote in any way I can comprehend.
"You wanted to see me, Captain?" it asks in a silky voice, an odd reverberation, a sort of pre-echo in its voice.
Polite, respectful, utterly competent. The very picture of the ideal first mate aboard a starship.
"Yes, come in," I say with a casual wave of my hand. "Would you like something to drink?"
I gesture to the open cabinet with my own glass, ice clinking in amber liquid.
"No, thank you, Captain," it replies. It seems… almost nervous. As if it has been expecting this conversation (and possibly dreading possible outcomes… but maybe that's my imagination)
"Your performance today was exemplary," I tell it as I relax into my chair. "Your quick thinking and calm under pressure may very well have saved the ship."
Tendrils ripple.
"Captain, the crew-"
I wave a hand to cut it off.
"The crew performed up to a standard I have come to expect from them, but you… spatial gradients would have sheared the ship apart without your navigational solution and technical expertise. If you hadn't been on the bridge, I'm certain the ship and the crew would now be lost. I have already written up a commendation that I will submit to the Union."
A pause.
"Thank you, Captain."
I take a drink, bitter rice whiskey burning past my lips and down my throat.
"How long have we served together?" I ask.
"Some time now," it replies.
I can't help but smile at that… as if this is some private joke.
"Indeed. And in all that time, you have proven clever… resourceful… an invaluable asset to this crew and this ship."
I pause to let out a breath.
"There is a matter I need your assistance with… a matter requiring circumspection."
I lean forward and slide a datapad across the table.
"Tell me what you make of that."
Tendrils curl around the datapad and eyes narrow as it examines the metrics.
"Rates of consumption of shipboard consumables," it said, very matter of fact. "An anomalous increase appears to have occurred at 0953, approximately the time of our encounter with the spatial rift. Numbers suggest the crew has increased by one individual since the encounter. A stowaway, Captain?"
"Perhaps," I reply. "Or perhaps something else. I checked the logs and the manifest and nothing is amiss. Crew rosters and canteen access are all within normal. Whatever this is… whoever this is… they are clever and resourceful, apparently able to manipulate ship systems and crew memories to blend in and seamlessly integrate with the crew from what I've been able ascertain. There were a few, near insignificant discrepancies that led me to check tertiary systems, extenuating factors that it couldn't quite account for."
A beat.
The two of us regard each other warily across the room. Its eyes flick. Both of my hands are visible, unarmed, my demeanor relaxed.
"What do you intend to do, Captain?" it asks finally.
"Are you familiar with union regulation 39.5?"
A look of confusion as it searches its memory.
"Regulations regarding treatment of extra-spatial entities and manifestations. As I recall, there are provisions for intelligences seeking union association."
"Indeed," I reply. "If such an entity… hypothetically… were aboard this ship, it would be entitled to all rights and protections guaranteed by the Free Spacer Alliance."
"I see, Captain."
"You and I are the only ones who know about this," I explain. "I want you to look into it. Use whatever resources you deem necessary, but to be perfectly honest, I don't expect additional investigation will turn up anything."
"Understood, Captain."
It turns, taking the cue of dismissal.
"Oh, one more thing," I say as the door hisses open.
It turns and regards me expectantly.
"When we get in to port, remind me to rescind my request with the Union to fill the vacant position for first mate."
That's the first coherent thought that enters my head. My head is full of thoughts. To many thoughts. Noisy thoughts. Noise and noise and noise.
I don't like it.
Two of the primates are chattering at each other. Urgent little creatures, them. These two seem more urgent than normal.
"... not her ..."
Two words snag in my mind. I turn them over in my mind with a detached sort of fascination.
I try rise to my feet. My skin slips on the wet surface and my body slams painfully on the smooth stone... or not stone. I don't know. These primates like their smooth not stone.
My shoulder smarts where it struck. No fur to cushion the fall. No...
I can see my paw.
It's not my paw.
It's one of those horrible little primate paws with wiggling, grasping little toes.
Not her. not her. not her.
A noise escapes my throat, some horrible moan that vibrates past fleshy alien tongue and cheeks.
The primate chatter cuts off abruptly and they look at me.
I look at them. I'm horrible and wet like a newborn covered in afterbirth. I have to blink the awful scum out of my eyes, but everything is focussing wrong. Contrast and sharpness are wrong. Colors are... there are too many fucking colors.
"Um... hello, yes?" one of the primates stammers.
"What." I rasp, words somehow finding their way from brain to throat to lips. "the fuck?"
The primate makes a face. A sort of abstract horror.
It crouches down. No, she crouches down.
"Hi," she repeats. "So... um... I can imagine you're a bit disoriented right now... and well, we're not quite sure how to put this gently-"
"What the fuck did you do to me??" I half moan, half snarl.
"Our friend got transformed into a tiger," the other one says in a rush. "We um... well, we were trying to turn her back... but it seems there's been a little bit of a mixup."
i am about to bestow upon you the secret butter technique. i am sorry, but it is french. i am sorry again, this only works with cow butter. i am certain plant based butters wouldn’t work, and alternative animal butters may or may not work
has this ever been you: you have a nicely steamed vegetable, or maybe you want to make the best butter noodles, but you know that if you put butter on those it’ll just melt and you end with kind of greasy noodles or vegetables? don’t you wish it was instead a luscious buttery glaze?
introducing: beurre monté
you will take a small sauce pan, and begin heating it with 1-2 tablespoons of water (use very little water) and bring it to a hard simmer or boil
turn the heat down slightly, and add Butter. how much? however much you dare. (start with 3-4 tablespoons and go from there)
you are going to either whisk Aggressively or you can pick up the saucepan, still holding it over the heat, and swirl aggressively so the butter is skating around the sides of the pan
done correctly, you will have liquid butter that is still emulsified. you have made Butter Sauce. season it with a little salt, and toss whatever you want in it.
if you’re butter splits, i’m sorry. you didn’t agitate it enough to maintain the emulsion, and now you have melted butter.
you can use this knowledge to make other sauces by swapping out the water for another liquid. white wine becomes beurre blanc. red wine is beurre rogue.
you want to CUM? sweat minced shallot in a tiny bit of butter, add white wine and cook it out until it’s reduced by about half. then whisk butter in hard. a few flecks of minced thyme or fennel frond stirred thru, and you eat that with a nice seared fish? or scallop? or even shrimp? wow. you will Nut
your boxed mac and cheese game can also be elevated by cooking your pasta and making a beurre monté first, tossing your pasta in that and adding the cheese packet. wow. hey; you’ll cum
dragon who picks you up in her mouth and brings you back to her nest every time you try to leave because you’re her kid now and good hatchlings stay in the nest when mama tells them to
she’s also very soft and fluffy and it’s the most relaxed and safe you’ve felt in a long time so you should just do what your new mom tells you to do
Breathing fire on someone and when the smoke clears there’s a very bewildered looking dragon hatchling that makes a cute lil chirp when they try to speak
she is a princess and you are a dragon. she will be married tonight. do not keep standing outside of her room like that, go inside. go get her. that is what proper dragons do.
not that you have ever been a good or proper dragon. when you hatched out of your egg, your eggtooth was too smooth. the other dragons were rough with you, put little holes in your wings.
you were not bold. you were odd. you liked rippling water and the shine of chitin when bugs scuttle and of course the movement of the stars. those were all acceptable interests albeit maybe not traditional. perhaps you had inherited these through some great-great-uncle or something. certainly a dragon may be wise, or clever, if they are not bold.
yes, you have been a great deal of a puzzle to the other dragons. your body is smaller and rather more soft than it ought to be. so speed should have been yours, perhaps - your mother said it would be like fighting a shadow. if a dragon is not aggressive, it may instead be cruel, sly; a backstab. but alas your scales - so iridescent that they almost shine like the moon at night, a glow from within - you are not a shadow, you are a beacon like the flash of a knight's blade. your father has said at least you would make a fine egglayer, a nice mate to a good male. a dragon like you may still be a good mother perhaps; and that is a fine thing to be; although of course it would have been better if you'd been a trove-hoarder instead.
what a dragon must not be is kind.
you have watched her now for six moons. what a good and proper dragon would do is to go inside and to snatch her. a very proper dragon would have kidnapped her many times over, but you will be the delight of your brood to princess-snatch even at all. when you catch her in your jaws and bring her home, they will love you, then. they don't think you're capable of it, but you are, because you're a proper dragon. you can show them that. if you go in, now, right now.
you are rather too glossy to hide in the shadows, so instead you have learned how to appear flat and round, a puddle of light. (how your siblings would mock you! a dragon should be matte, to blend with the night). you dapple your flank with mud. you perch in odd angles atop of trees, scuttle like the bugs you love - hither, tither, frantic.
what you must not do is fly with your wings full-out. alight, you will be limned by the moon's corona. you will be a beacon. you must remember this when (not if) you snatch her.
____
you found her because of the lake. this lake in particular was your favorite - nestled deep in the woods, between two mountains. it is very quiet; there is nothing to horde there so no other dragon bothers you. a gentle waterfall spills over into a deep cove, and there are many mossy caves you've spent your afternoons napping in. while it is not proper for a dragon to prefer such things, you like to lay in rolling tenure just under the water. you have become excellent at holding your breath, can do it for hours. it is the easiest way to appear as a patch of sunlight.
she was not sunlight. she was the night's joy. the dark press of water. her face at first concealed by many diaphanous layers. her breathing quick and quiet.
she had pulled them back to drink from her water flask. and there she had been: a princess. your first very-real princess. right there, only the reach of a single talon from you. if you had simply lunged then, you would have been able to take her easily, in one single movement.
but you did not take her.
she had startled you a bit; you'd been daydreaming about music, which you'd just discovered, and rather liked. you'd heard it from a little house while you snuck in and stole their sheep.
but you knew the sound of fear, of being followed. you'd been chased too many times, you knew what it looked like. the rapid jolt of fear.
you smelled her then; cinnamon and onyx, and perhaps that was what had blinded you. perhaps your mouth was just watering. whatever the case, you waited until she had fled back into the forest; and then you waited a bit longer. in her wake, a garrison of men, their hands rough.
oh. so they were not knights. they were just men chasing a young woman through the woods. perhaps they did not even know a real princess had been running from them. well, that was a relief. you are not good at fighting with knights, who have swords instead of cudgels. these were just men, so you rose from the water in the quiet way you'd learned from the fish. they did not hear you coming.
and besides. proper dragons do violence so well.
___
once you had smelled her you could find her, although such things have always been easier for you than for the others. you spend a great deal of time studying things - it allows you to analyze them. you have tried to explain to the other dragons that sometimes it is best to slow down, but of course no dragon should be slow.
at first you did not understand the confusion of the people's umwelt. they relied so much on their communication (only words and actions!) and what they could see with their eyes. you and the other dragons did not use these as much; but you liked prying out the little sonic differences between hello that means "i like you" and hello that means "i don't like you."
so it took you a while to learn that you were responsible for what had happened to her. men had gone missing, and even bad men going missing makes a big fuss. (you know that if it had been girls missing, it would be okay. many proper dragons steal girls because it will not bring a knight to their door). for a while she had been trapped on the palace grounds. it was determined that it was no longer safe for her to be just a princess, she must undergo some human transformation and become a wife.
and then you saw her descending from the window of a castle, quick and agile, moving like a whisper, clad almost entirely in black. you could see her quite well of course, although you were not seeing her; but instead her heat and her smell and her sound and all the other sensory noise all humans give off.
you followed her, keeping yourself in a cloud so you appeared as if mist. she stole off into the woods. you were interested in that, and watched her scuttle - although of course you could have taken her then. she did not seem to do much in the woods, only run around cry into her little hands.
she appeared to be looking for something. she did not get far that first night; scurried back to her bed. over and over this happened - she would run as far as she could, only to go back again. it seemed rather boring to you, but of course you had been free your whole life.
and then one night - finally, she arrived at the lake. she sank to her knees then, her hands pressing into the water. her head tilted to the sky. her dark hair spilling in a caught breath behind her.
this is how you heard her voice for the first time. when she came again the next night, she did so more quickly, more assured. straight to the lake, as if it had called her.
she had skipped a pebble over the surface of the water. this action was dangerous, because it almost hit the sail of your wing. you had structured yourself very finely to look like a rockslide.
"three months." her voice was like her: it was deep and smooth and dark, a low violin string. "they want me to marry that bastard in three months."
and then she cried into her hands again, and the sound of it almost broke you.
so you followed her maybe more than a proper dragon should, then. more than back to the castle. you hid along her daily walks and watched her in the throne room and saw her out riding horses. she was good with dogs and nice to her people and very much a proper princess, although you know a proper princess ought not to slip out at night and run around barefoot through the woods.
you discovered she is terrible with directions. you have often had to make a path more clear so she could get home again. she cannot hunt better than an egg; you have had to kill fish and push them subtly up to the shore.
but she appears to love the lake as much as you do. you have seen her read by candlelight (how foolish. the entire woods saw her each time). you have seen her build little paper boats to float along the surface. you have seen her strip her many layers and dive in, have seen her lay with her belly to the sky, floating like she is suspended by the hands of darkness itself.
oh. so she loves the stars, as well, then.
__
you must go in. she will be married tonight. that is a human thing, but you have learned what it has meant. she will go to somewhere else, and you will not see her again, maybe ever. and then how will you be a proper dragon? go!
you have made yourself in the form of a gargoyle, hiding in the white stone. you can see into her room; and the tapestries that seem unlike her. everything in her room is very bright, which is bad for a proper dragon. there are many knights in the hallways and in their rooms, and their smell is itchy and repugnant to you.
her dress is white, which does not seem like her. you have only seen her wear black. she is sitting at some kind of desk, and she is crying again. she smells of cinnamon still, but moreso of grief. you can feel the heartbreak in her as if it was inside of you.
you cannot watch her cry anymore. you have watched too often without moving. that is shameful.
you nose the door open. you can move quiet, because you are not very big. she is within a cave of you, then a wingtip, and then she is standing up, looking into your eyes.
"it's you." her hand on your jaw is warm. "i thought i was imagining you, you know. i turned around that day. i saw what you did to those men. i have been looking for you since. i told everyone that i had an angel to protect me. they locked me in here anyway."
you are not an angel, you are a dragon. you have to keep your wings locked tight or you would explode the walls of this place. it makes you feel big, suddenly. you are not used to that sensation. you do not like to be locked in a tower. you believe maybe the princess does not like to be locked in a tower either.
you take her in your jaws. she is very small, and does not resist you. although you are not a strong flyer, you must take off in a single push. any other movement would be too slow. you must also hold your breath so you do not smell her, the clove and cinnamon and little bird of hope. your mouth would water and you would drop her.
against the full moon, you do the thing that is impossible. you stretch yourself out all the way, a bold and beaming arrow, and you fly. you can hear them cry about you now, loudly. a banner that would strike pride even into your father: dragon. dragon. dragon.
on the eve of her wedding, you snatch the princess from her tower.
an arrow whisks for you, and then dozens, and then hundreds. you are not afraid of pain. you have learned long ago how to fly with holes in your wings. you hold her very gently still, and you push past the smell of your blood.
in the night you are a star. someone somewhere could look up and see you and make a wish.
there will be another lake, you decide. you can find another lake. somewhere very, very far from here. however long you must fly, however long you must hold your breath: you will take her home, because you are a proper dragon.
___
sometimes they come for her, your treasure. you have built her a little castle here, deep in the forests off the map. and of course for you: a silver round lake like the shift of her iris. you bring her books and she brings you bugs to study. you let her saddle you, and together you ride through the clouds and fog banks. she is a shadow on your back; a warm and velvet thing. she makes you music and lives the way she should; free in the night like a promise.
but they do come. you have stolen a real princess, and they do not want her to be a princess. they want to make her into a brood mother, or into bait, or into prey. they always look into the caves first; into the places proper dragons stay. they are real knights, not just men with sticks. they are loud and their smell still makes you itch.
but she has made you brave now, and cunning. if a dragon is not big, it should be cunning. and since you are a proper dragon, and since your treasure is your most precious thing, you lay in wait.
let them come. you will let the light drip off of you, and then you will pour through them.
afterwards, your princess will tell you a story around the fire. she will patch your wounds as she did that first time. she will sing to you.
and in that moment, neither of you will be a title nor a story. she will just be herself, and you will just be you.
dragon snuggling you and she’s doing little play bites with her fangs full of venom that magically turns you into a dragon and you can see the scales slowly spreading across your skin while she holds you close.
she’s gently nuzzling your snout as it grows in while your new tail instinctively curls around hers, your wings doing a cute little flutter as they spread out for the first time and so many other little things that just feel right. your horns look beautiful too.
dragon who is biting you with her cute little fangs while she’s cuddling you and definitely not injecting magic venom that turns you into a dragon directly into your bloodstream
the fact that you’re growing scales that are your favourite colour is completely coincidental
you should purr back at her it’s what dragons do when they’re cuddling y’know
Aww :( You seem to be hating your humanity a bit. Here let me help you!! Let your favorite dragon peel away that old skin of yours.. just get my claws in reeal nice and deep and— no of course it wont hurt! .. well. You'll be a bit sore but its ok! Nothing more than stuck shed my dear.
Look, see? Your arm is looking much better now, all those shiny scales.. wonder what colour they'll settle on.. Hey dont press on them those are gonna be sore remember? Just lemme cut more off for you.. your claws arent sharp enough yet to do it yourself.
Look now its all just falling off! To the floor, all that old you falling away! ...ahh. yeah. I forgot to mention the wing pain. Its ok ill hold you through it, the buds just have to come through the skin and then it'll just be sore. Such cute little buds— no dont try to flap them that fast yet you'll hurt yourself! Ehehe.. cmon.. you gotta rest now
and when you wake up you'll be more complete. Then you're going to be a pretty dragon like me!
yeah, it worked! try to move a bit- hey now don’t go crazy. you’re probably gonna be really dizzy for a minute. just get used to moving and- ok i would not recommend standing up, i know you’re excited for the new body but your brain has no idea how to be quadrupedal yet and you’re gonna- yup, fall on your face. called it. you should listen to me sometimes. you ok?
well, i see you’ve already figured out how to hiss. just move slowly- ok see, you’re standing! just hold still for a moment. your brain doesn’t have very good neural mapping yet, this body has a totally different musculature than your old one
ok, try to move your limbs. one at a time. up and down, up and down. your brain needs to learn how to do that. ok, now try your wings! open- yeah! you like that? you seem excited. you think you can walk?
a bit shaky, but not bad. follow me to this treadmill. we’re gonna put you at a nice leisurely walk and build that gait up so you don’t wreck your new hips. not bad, loosen your shoulders and swing your tail a bit more to work as a counterbalance. back left, front left, back right, front right- there you go! nice job! i’m gonna speed you up to a trot, ok? left, right, left, right- yeah! you’re learning fast! ok, done with the treadmill
rear up. good girl. ok, shift your wings down and put your weight on them. this is how you use your front paws. tilt your head back and forward, stretch your neck joints out a bit. good. touch your horns with your tail? good. now touch your belly? good. wings up! wings out! wings in! good. you’re gonna want to do these stretches every day for a couple weeks to get the full motion range
speaking of range, follow me. ok, that target is 30 feet away. think you can hit it with some fire? pretty good, a bit to the side- hey, don’t snarl at me, you’re the one who missed it. try again. good. when you get home, find a rock or something and practice your aim and your throat control. you’re opening your flame valves a bit too far and it’s adding too much accelerant, which is wrecking your accuracy
this book has all the speech drills we give people. since you have a syrinx now, you’re going to have to learn to speak again. don’t worry, you know how it’s supposed to sound, so it’s easier than it sounds. normally it takes about a month to get back to full speaking fluency, but you’ll be understandable, if a bit odd-sounding, in less than a week if you stay on top of these
anything else you need? any questions?
ok, we called you a transport. no, girl, you cannot fly home. i know you’re excited to fly for the first time, everyone is, but don’t do it for 4 more days at least, your body needs time to learn fine motor control before you can maneuver safely in the air. we’re gonna drive you home. it’s on the house. don’t forget to drink a lot of water and take your prescribed regimen of hormones until your new body starts making them
congrats on dragonhood
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