What You're Looking For is Not Here

Tumblr Chose My URL Pansexual, homoromantic, Whatever pronouns make you feel good are fine

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

I know I can’t compete with someone she’s known since she was in middle school, but it’s like being stabbed in the heart every time my best friend refers to her best friend as “the best” on Twitter.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

I just want to crawl in a hole and die. The past couple weeks have been a non-stop crap parade.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

I really believe that “fans” ruined the Callie/Arizona relationship. I really do and I don’t care if anyone agrees with me. I think that Sara and Jessica were friends or at least peaceful co-workers and got along great and had fun filming their scenes together. And then fans happened. They got thousands of messages asking if they (both married/committed ladies) were secretly dating their co-workers. And I think from that point, they started to distance themselves from each other. They didn’t take pictures together or talk about each other in interviews unless specifically asked. I know if someone or a group of someones got the idea that I was dating any of my co-workers, I’d distance myself, too, especially if other people (spouses) were involved. And people whined about not getting pictures or interviews or co-workers gushing over each other [which I personally don’t give a fuck about. I like behind the scenes pictures of the characters I like, but I take what is given and have never, ever begged (or even gently asked) for any behind the scenes photos because I know that no one in the cast or crew owes me anything.], which I think pushed things into the next stage and it just spiraled downward from there. And still, all these years later, people still whine online (to Shonda, to Sara, to Jessica, to the void sometimes) that it’s all their fault, taking no ownership of their own crappy actions.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

Today was Staff Appreciation Day at work. After work, instead of our usual staff meeting, we were told we’d have a brief meeting, followed by dinner, where we’d get a small gift. I didn’t eat much because I was expecting to be fed after work. And then around 2, I found out it was pork. Again. (Earlier this year, we had a similar dinner and were also fed pork at that.)

My boss bought some little gifts to raffle off and the board bought up gift cards that were distributed randomly (we reached into a box held above us). In the raffle, I won a purse. I haven’t carried a purse in years. The gift card I got was for the local movie theatre, owned by the husband of one of my co-workers. I have two already. It kind of felt like the fact that I have no friends was being rubbed in my face.

I left crying and feeling decidedly unappreciated.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

I’m tired of being forgotten. I’m tired of making plans with people and showing up only to find out they forgot and have something better to do with that time. I’m tired of people just suddenly deciding I’m not worth their time and forgetting I ever existed. I’m tired of unanswered phone calls and text messages and emails. I’m tired of the onus ALWAYS being on me to make sure the other person remembers that we had an appointment together. I’m just tired.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

I mean, I literally can’t even pay people to spend time with me.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

I’m tired of being forgotten. I’m tired of making plans with people and showing up only to find out they forgot and have something better to do with that time. I’m tired of people just suddenly deciding I’m not worth their time and forgetting I ever existed. I’m tired of unanswered phone calls and text messages and emails. I’m tired of the onus ALWAYS being on me to make sure the other person remembers that we had an appointment together. I’m just tired.

[lenarise-deactivated20191107]

the first american woman in space was a lesbian……… this sounds like such a shitpost buts its actually real i love history 

[emotionallaborunion]

Cool beans, but Sally Ride was also married to a man at one point and never publicly self-identified as lesbian or bi. So assuming she was a lesbian is bi erasure.

[meangirlnurse]

i guess when her family and widow said she identified as a lesbian they must have just been lying! :)))) love men who insist lesbians might have been attracted to men

[lethbian]

“cool beans” god fuck off

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

 Okay, are people getting this information from a source I haven’t seen?  http://www.browardpalmbeach.com/news/sally-rides-sister-on-the-wikipedia-debate-over-homosexuality-sally-hated-labels-of-every-kind-6473119 According to this link, she “hated labels of any kind” according to her sister. I don’t want to fight with anyone, but I’m not here for labelling people anything without their consent.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

Today, there was a training in a city about 30 minutes away from here. And I spent the last five days trying to figure out how many people from my work were going so we could ride together and save gas. But I never got word, so I drove myself this morning. Six of my co-workers came. Three in one car and two in another. (The sixth was dropped of by her boyfriend because they had a party to attend in the city today anyway.) And I’m left wondering if I’m really so horrible that they can’t stand to share a car with me for half an hour each way?

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

The first time I remember feeling ashamed for something “gay,” I was seven. My best friend and I, plus our older sisters, had gone to see some high school show-choir-type group perform at the high school and afterward, one of them was talking to us. They had these super sparkly sequined costumes and I don’t know if we asked or if she offered to let us touch them. I don’t remember consciously doing it, but I remember being embarrassed when someone pointed out that when I reached out to touch her, I touched her bottom.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

1. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

At different times, a doctor, a vet, and a librarian.

2. Which “Friends” character do you relate to the most?

I never really watched Friends much when it was on. Maybe Monica?

3. Do you like your name? Why?

Yeah, it’s okay.

4. Are you a messy or clean person?

Some things I keep intentionally messy and some things must always be clean.

5. How tall are you?

5′1″

6. How tall were you when you were ten?

Short. I don’t know exactly. I know I was 4′8″ at the age of 12.

7. What is your guilty pleasure?

I don’t feel guilty for liking things.

8. What are you saving money for right now?

July.

9. How many Pringles can you eat at once?

Like in a single mouthful? Probably about 15-20.

10. Tea or coffee?

Neither.

11. Are you an extrovert or introvert?

Introvert.

12. What is your Halloween costume this year?

Don’t have one.

13. Sweet or salty?

Sweet.

14. Favorite social media?

Tumblr.

15. Who is the last person you kissed?

I kissed a three year old who was saying goodbye to me for the last time for the foreseeable future.

16. What is your favorite breakfast?

French toast

17. When is your birthday?

Spring

18. When did you start your blog?

A year ago.

19. What is your opinion on the Kardashians?

They are humans. I do not know them.

20. How would you describe your style?

*shrug* I have no clue.

21. What color is your hair?

Brown.

22. What color socks are you wearing?

Not wearing socks.

23. What is your dream job?

Doing data entry from home.

24. Dogs or cats?

Dogs.

25. What makes you weird?

Everything.

26. Celebrity crush?

Scottie Thompson

27. Opinion on cigarettes?

They stink and when you smoke them, everything around you stinks. Not to mention the cancer.

28. Do you want children/how many?

If I have a good, strong, helpful partner, it would be a discussion.

29. 3 favorite boy names?

Mackenzie, Finley, Ezra

30. 3 favorite girl names?

Ramona, Rowena, Lynn

31. Favorite plant?

Sequoias

32. Favorite form of art?

Television

33. What is your shoe size?

7

34. Money or brains?

If you have brains, money is easy to acquire

35. What color looks best on you?

No clue.

36. What is a weird phase you went through when you were younger?

When I was in late elementary school, I watched a Smokey the Bear thing in the middle of the night (I was never a good sleeper) and for a long time after that, I had a duffle bag in which I had my most essential items.

37. Favorite brand of shampoo+conditioner?

Suave

38. Favorite pizza toppings?

Chicken and pineapple

39. Opinions on veganism?

I don’t care if people are or not, but I don’t like being preached to and I don’t like people who won’t acknowledge that being able to be vegan requires a level of privilege.

40. Favorite book of all time?

Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson

41. Favorite actor?

Don’t have one.

42. Favorite actress?

Sara Ramirez

43. Favorite dessert?

Ice cream.

44. Favorite food?

Cheese

45. Last text you sent?

To a sibling about a race

46. Last person you called?

PJ

47. What is your favorite place to shop?

Target

48. Favorite model?

Like runway models? I don’t even know any by name.

49. What language do you want to learn?

French.

50. What are your favorite make up brands?

I don’t wear any makeup and honestly can’t think of a brand right now ...

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

I need more things, so my mood can stop living and dying based on a television show.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

It’s easier to be angry than to be scared. It’s easier to be angry at you for not being around when you said you would be than to consider the possibility that you’re not around because you’re doing worse and you only have the energy to sleep and go to work.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

Friends

I wish I could be someone’s number one best friend. And yes, I’m aware that that’s very middle school of me, but I never had that even in middle school. I was always the new kid who probably wasn’t going to stay very long, so why invest? And I know I can’t compete with someone you’ve known for 20 years. Outside of my family, the longest I’ve known anyone I’m still in regular contact with is my therapist. And I foresee it only getting harder as I get older, because that’s even longer that my best friend has known HER best friend. And I’ll never compete.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

Commenting on pregnant people’s bodies is rude. Speculating on how big they are, the sex of the baby, due date, anything else, RUDE AS HELL. Stop doing it.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

I had a terrible day. Started with a misunderstanding with a friend and got worse with overhearing a parent scoff at my decision to have the kids wear gloves outside today.

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

Conversation I wish I was strong enough to have tomorrow:

Grandma: Why did you go out and shovel snow last night? Your knees were killing you.

Me: I know that one day, somehow, you’re going to find out I like girls and you won’t love me anymore, so I’m trying to build up as much good will with you as I can in the meantime.

Conversation I will probably actually be having tomorrow:

Grandma: Why did you go out and shovel snow last night? Your knees were killing you.

Me: Oh, I just wanted to give you guys a headstart in the morning

[glitterypatrolstarfish]

When I was in 9th grade, we went on a class trip to this park-like place where we did all kinds of activities that were supposed to bond us or something. I remember very clearly being sat in a circle with a bunch of rich kids I’d known for less than a month and we were instructed to share with the group the nicest thing anyone had ever done for us. It was meant to bond us together, but after it was over, it just made me feel more separate from them than before.