a personal public diary

secretly shouting poems and thoughts into the void ig |she/her 24| all works are my own unless otherwise stated

[glorifiedtypos]

i think the saddest part of it all is this:

i loved you.

i saw the worst and sharpest parts of you. I held them in my hands and let them scrape my palms until it scarred.

i believed in you. i helped you carry the weight on your back, assuring you that we would make it to the peak in no time.

i wanted you. i saw a future in your eyes and safety in your arms. i looked at you so softly, so tenderly.

i loved you. it wasn’t enough to make you stay.

i loved you. the stars in my eyes dimmed the reality of who you were.

i loved you.

you’ll never know that warmth again.

[glorifiedtypos]

my final act of love

will be silence.

it will not be for you.

you never cared to have it,

until it was gone.

my final act of love

is mine.

[glorifiedtypos]

i don’t want you to love me.

not unless you see it,

the rotting thing beneath my skin.

unless you look me in the eyes

while the blood drips down my chin.

not unless you sit quietly

while i confess every primordial first sin.

i don’t want you to love me.

things are better ended

before they ever have to begin

[glorifiedtypos]

the words dug into back of my throat.

razor sharp, jagged edges.

one of the lightbulbs flickered

once

twice

three times

i’d need to change it soon.

i knew i probably wouldn’t.

i’d put it off, eventually just adjust to the dimmer light, until i forgot how it looked before.

i swallowed.

once

twice

three times.

i’d need to say something soon.

[glorifiedtypos]

i sit next to you by the dumpsters

passing a stolen cigarette back and forth.

the silence that stretches is hollow

like the circles under your eyes.

it’s hard to look at you sometimes.

to watch as you fold in on yourself.

i miss talking to you,

back when you still made sense.

you don’t say much anymore.

your tongue heavy with liquor and pills.

i tried to talk to you, tried to reach out my hand.

you laughed.

so i sit silently next to you in our same spot.

the tobacco smoke dancing up to

the star speckled sky.

the light of a siren cuts through the trees for just a moment.

the leaves are turning.

it’ll rain soon.

[glorifiedtypos]

but some love

sits heavy in your stomach

collecting dust and decay,

long after its lost its purpose.

i think there are worse things than romance.

i’ll respectfully decline your wedding invitation when it comes.

you’ll stare at the small x for a little too long.

maybe you still wish i wrote you back.

i wish you never wrote at all.

[glorifiedtypos]

i still can’t listen to your favorite band without thinking of you.

the way you’d sing along, off key and loud, tapping the steering wheel to the beat.

how you’d sing the chorus to me, pretending your wendy’s cup was a microphone, eyes half on the road.

i miss you in snapshots.

in half deflated balloons and my old coffee order. in ikea showroom cookbooks and smirnoff ice.

the memories don’t sting like they used to. softened by time and kinder love. your voice still echos in the back of my mind when i pick at my thumbs, when i make a joke i know you would love.

i know better now, i am better now.

i loved you, i think you loved me too. even if you didn’t know how.

[glorifiedtypos]

Downfall by Noah Kahan is especially

difficult to listen to when you’ve been on both sides.

i’ve been the one who left

i’ve been the one who stays

i’ve been the one who comes back

i’ve been the one who lets them

there is no real release in either fate

[glorifiedtypos]

maybe the poets are right

maybe some are put on earth to

give more love than they receive.

maybe the poets are wrong

maybe the love comes back

in places you never thought to look.

maybe the poets are scared

maybe they don’t have the answers

maybe they just want to make sense

of their lives too

[glorifiedtypos]

i know no one will ever love me

the way i once loved you.

maybe it’s for the best.

it swallowed me whole,

consumed me from the inside out.

it didn’t make you love me back.

i wonder if you search for me

in the eyes of your latest lovers.

i wonder if it confuses you

when their devotion doesn’t run

blood red.

i wonder if once they’ve had enough,

you turn over in your same spider-man sheets

and look at the place i used to be.

[glorifiedtypos]

and when the earth swallowed her

it was silent, it was peaceful.

a slow descent into rest.

the sun warmed dirt and dust

piled on.

the comforting weight of

being held.

she seemed cold, i think.

i hope she sleeps well.

[glorifiedtypos]

i don’t wish for you back, not as we are now.

but sometimes i think it would have been nice to have just one more summer together.

three more months of the kids we used to be. hushed phone calls and wasting gas to drive the same backroads just a little while longer.

i grew up, we grew apart. the boyish charm of a dollar store balloon apology lost its shine.

but for a time, it made me feel like the most special girl in the world.

i don’t regret that.

[glorifiedtypos]

i am my own humiliation

i look in the mirror and cannot meet my own eyes

even so, my ego won’t allow any respite

i’d rather stay frozen in my own apathy than subject myself to the the degeneration of pity, of help.

i am the only one who makes me bleed.

i am the only one who sees it.

[glorifiedtypos]

search history:

filter: most recent

“songs to make you cry”

“how to see if therapist takes your insurance”

“why does chest hurt when sad”

“how to make face not puffy from crying”

“songs about letting go”

“tarot card reading guide”

“songs about losing love reddit”

“how to feel better”

“etsy witch spell”

“how to get over things”

[glorifiedtypos]

it’s been 7 months since everything and about 2 months since i got your letter.

things are different now, and i wonder how you’re doing. sometimes i hope it’s well and sometimes i hope it’s worse.

i know you’re most likely moved on too, and that brings me both peace and discontentment.

it’s strange how all my emotions surrounding you seem so hypocritical. i think im still trying to clean out the clutter from the place you kept in my heart. it’s like i got all the furniture out, but there are still little scuffs on the wall or forgotten things left in the corner that bring it back sometimes.

it doesn’t sting anymore. it was numb for a while and ached through it all, but now it’s more what i imagine a phantom limb to be like. almost as if im going to reach out with a hand that i forgot for just a split second isn’t there anymore,

i think the feeling might be there for longer than i care for,

but i think one day ill stop reaching for a ghost with a hand that’s no longer mine.

[glorifiedtypos]

i didn’t keep the last letter you wrote to me

well, i suppose that’s only half true.

i took a picture of it before tearing it up

in what i see now is a premeditated fit of passion.

i let you go in all the ways that matter.

well, i guess the ways that should.

i put all the things you gave me in a box

and tucked it under an old bedskirt in the attic.

i think loving you got too heavy

i think you thought you were loving me

i let you go in all the ways that matter.

well, i guess i’m trying to.

[glorifiedtypos]

old habits die hard, which is to say

when i think of you fondly,

when i miss you or halfway reach

for my phone to call

it’s nothing more than an old habit.

a few stray traces of muscle memory

still trapped between the tendons.

this is not to say i never missed you.

not to say i didn’t call one too many “last times,”

but i have new habits now.