ive been rewatching justified so @quickdrawy

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ive been rewatching justified so @quickdrawy
me: :( the chuck palahniuk living inside my head: tylers kiss on the back of my hand me: :)
NO MORE NEGATIVE SELF TALK. I AM CRAZY AND THATS COOL AND SEXY OF ME
04/10/13 - dreams
HYDROXISE:
Tyler shouldnât be able to move or talk because when he turns his head, looking away when he was caught, thereâs his brains running down the back of his neck like a thick pink-grey milkshake, like porridge left on the wall. Tylerâs hair growing back from its patchy buzz around this eruption. The image of him is trembling in microsaccades but he isnât. If not for Tylerâs congealed brains slugging their way down to his shoulders, staining his new-looking silk shirt, heâd look like the healthiest person in this room.
Full view, double page spread of this grisly souvenir as Tyler leaves the bathroom, leaves the mirror. His weight on the bed makes it creak.
âWhy would I be gone when you arenât? Quit acting like Iâm the biggest problem you have.â Full volume, loud enough to be heard through the wall.
This cannot, should not, will not and must not be happening. I am crazy and in a psychiatric hospital. You canât go more crazy in a psychiatric hospital.
âNo,â I say, and, âno no no,â as Iâm following Tyler out, holding up a hand with a finger extended. No no no. âYouâre not real.â
I say this as if Iâm expecting him to disappear in the time it takes me to blink, which is true. I blink for a long time just to make sure, but when I open my eyes heâs still there. He is depressing a space on my bed, he is rucking up my sheets, he is bleeding and blurting and sluicing all over my white sheets and my bed and light from the window is catching in his hair.
My head is rolling on its neck. It hits a spot I canât see, an invisible wall somewhere in the way of its rotation, and jerks to a halt, and then goes on rotating again. My index finger, pointing at Tyler, is pointing at Tyler. I am pointing at Tyler.
âShut up,â I hiss at him. I stop pointing at him, at Tyler. âShut the fuck up. If anyone hears you Iâm fucking done for.â
THE TAXPAYERS SENTENCE MEME:Â âTO RISK SO MUCH...â EDITION.
âYou can feel the tension in the house the moment you walk through the door.â
âDonât let anybody catch you turning the handle.â
âItâs going to be an awful and lonely night.â
âItâs been a very, very, very long year and itâs gonna be an even longer night.â
âThrow the shutters down.â
âPeople are stupid and easy to lie to, still.â
âGet a job! Go to work!â
âYou can have your pride, but you can swallow it too.â
âThe debt grows deep and your life turns shitty.â
âFuck âmaking it workâ.â
âCircumspection is a notion reserved for jerks.â
âDisappointment is a paycheck spent on food.â
âNever could stand that song.â
âSame damn time, same fucking place.â
âEverything around here is awful.â
âSomething isnât right here but I canât put my finger on it.â
âStay safe in the shadows.â
âYou canât hide things in a glass house, you just canât.â
âYou can pray that things donât head south.â
âHow the fuck do you quantify a dollar well-spent?â
âCash rules everything around me.â
âGreed is a country on a planet under constant rotation.â
âItâs been a long, long time.â
âI have been playing things through in my mind.â
âSeparation is damnation for our kind.â
âYou spent years chasing after a mess.â
âEasy living doesnât pay the rent.â
âI must have missed you, but I canât remember feeling all that sad.â
âI must have hit every bar in that town.â
âI must have made a damn fool of myself.â
âI woke up more than once on the sidewalk that year.â
âItâs not crazy to get your shoes and just start walking until the sun comes up.â
âI am not an unconditional believer.â
âI got more pockets than pennies these days.â
âI keep coming up with reasons to leave this place.â
âEverybody just stood there.â
âYou better hide or youâre gonna regret it.â
âItâs a matter of simple deduction.â
âItâs a matter of complete control.â
âSo there I was, right? Stuck in the street. Not a soul for miles.â
âI could taste your skin on my lips.â
âYou got more trouble than you can handle.â
âWhat the fuck you gonna do?â
âHow are you gonna scrape on by?â
âThere are two things you do in this situation: you leave town or go into hiding.â
âSome people got brains and other people got talent, and others just look good. You and me, we got none of these things.â
âMy, my, my, what a position.â
âItâs a living.â
âItâs politics as usual.â
âYou can tell that things are getting terribly real when the suckers in charge donât even gotta lie to the people.â
âIt gets worse every minute.â
âIt gets worse every second youâre in it.â
âI know what itâs like to be alone.â
âIf you say it like you mean it, you probably donât mean it.â
âIf you act like you care, you probably donât give a fuck.â
42 character development questions!
PHYSICAL PRESENCE AND GESTURE. 1. How do they move and carry themselves? Pace, rhythm, gestures, energy? 2. How much physical space do they use, active and at rest? 3. How do they position themselves in a group? Do they like to be the center of attention, or do they hang back at the edges of a crowd? 4. What is their size and build? How does it influence how they use their body, if it does? 5. How do they dress? What styles, colors, accessories, and other possessions do they favor? Why? 6. What are they like in motionâin different environments, and in different activities? What causes the differences between these? 7. How do they physically engage with other people, inanimate objects, and their environment? What causes the differences between these? 8. Where and when do they seem most and least at ease? Why? How can you tell? 9. How do they manifest energy, exhaustion, tension, or other strong emotions? 10. What energizes and drains them most? 11. How are they vocally expressive? What kind of voice, accent, tones, inflections, volume, phrases and slang, and manner of speaking do they use? 12. How are they bodily expressive? How do they use nonverbal cues such as their posture, stance, eyes, eyebrows, mouths, and hands? DISPOSITION AND TEMPERAMENT. 13. How do they greet the world â what is their typical attitude towards life? How does it differ in different circumstances, or towards different subjects? Why do they take these attitudes, and why do they change? How do these tend to be expressed? 14. What do they care deeply about? What kind of loyalties, commitments, moral codes, life philosophies, passions, callings, or spirituality and faith do they have? How do these tend to be expressed? 15. What kind of inner life do they have â rich and imaginative? Calculating and practical? Full of doubts and fears? Does it find any sort of outlet in their lives? 16. Do they dream? What are those dreams like? 17. Are they more shaped by nature or nurture â who they are, or what has happened to them? How have these shaped who theyâve become as a person? 18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why? CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS. 19. How do they behave within a group? What role(s) do they take? Does this differ if they know and trust the group, versus finding themselves in a group of strangers? Why? 20. What kind of individual relationships do they have with others, and how do they behave in them? How are they different between intimate relationships like friends, family, and lovers versus more impersonal relationships? 21. What kind of relationships do they tend to intentionally seek out versus actually cultivate? What kind of social contact do they prefer, and why? 22. How do people respond to them, and why might these responses differ? 23. How do they respond to difficult social moments? What makes them consider a social situation difficult? 24. How do they present themselves socially? What distinguishes their âpersonaâ from their âtrue selfâ, and what causes that difference? 25. What do they need and want out of relationships, and how do they go about getting it? 26. How do they view and feel about relationships, and how might this manifest in how they handle them, if it does? ACTIVITIES AND PREFERENCES. 27. What do they strongly like and dislike, in any category? Why? 28. What are they likely to do if they have the opportunity, resources, and time to accomplish it? Why? 29. What kind of activities, interests, and hobbies do they have? What significance and impact do these have in their lives, both positive and negative? 30. What is their preferred level of activity and stimulation? How do they cope if they get either too little or too much? 31. Is there anything that counts as a âdealbreakerâ for them, positively or negatively? What makes things go smoothly, and what spoils an activity or ruins their day? Why? 32. Do they have any âpropsâ that are a significant part of their life, identity, activities, or self-presentation somehow? What are they, how are they used, and why are they so significant? How would these propsâ absence impact them, how would they compensate, and why? THINKING AND LEARNING. 33. How do they learn about the worldâwhat is their preferred learning style? Hands-on learning with trial and error? Research, reading, and note-taking? Observation or rote memorization? Inductive or deductive reasoning? Seeking patterns and organization? Taking things apart and putting them back together? Creative processing via discussing, writing about, or dramatizing things? 34. How do they understand the worldâwhat kind of worldview and thought processes do they have? Why? 35. How and why do they internalize knowledge? What effect has that had on them? 36. How much do they rely on their minds and intellect, versus other approaches like relying on instinct, intuition, faith and spirituality, or emotions? What is their opinion on this? 37. Have they had any special education or training that colors their means of learning about or understanding the world? Conversely, do they lack some kind of education considered essential in their world? What kind of impact has this addition or lack had on them? 38. Is there anything they wish they could change about their worldview or thought processes? What, and why? 39. What sort of questions or thoughts recur in their lives, either specifically or as a theme? Why are these never answered, or answered permanently to their satisfaction? 40. What do they wonder about? What sparks their curiosity and imagination, and why? How is this expressed, if it is? FREE FOR ALL. 41. What associations do they bring to mind? Words or phrases, images, metaphors or motifs? Why? 42. I have a question of my own!
This has been on my mind for long but Iâm gonna do this - please reblog this if youâre comfortable with pre-establishing relationships. I do not mean âmet at the grocery store two weeks agoâ or âhave a common friendâ, but rather stuff like âhave been best friends since kindergrdenâ, âgo for a beer every fridayâ, âfriends with benefitsâ, âdated in highschoolâ, âhate each otherâs guts because -insert reason-â  etc. Something meaningful (but not necessarily shippy) and I mean with muns/characters you have not interacted with, because I cannot believe I am the only one who prefers jumping right into the heart of the human interaction.
Hey, that grey colour text is super hard to read. Make it darker maybe?
i gotchu anon! thank you for letting me know!!
much like the production of the movie itself edward norton often comes onto this blog and rewrites entire scenes
beep beep howâs my portrayal ?
@hydroxiseâ » continued.
With breakfast I have one green and yellow fluoxetine capsule and two tiny white discs of perphenazine. Perphenazine is a typical medium-strength antipsychotic, roughly ten times as potent as chlorpromazine. It has no antidepressive effects, which explains the fluoxetine. Perphenazine in high doses can cause temporary dyskinesia.
This is why Iâm shaking all the time.
The last time you saw me I was a fucking mess. I guess not much has changed.
I took my pills this morning. I remember this because I was looking at Henry while I did it. Henry is labouring under the illusion that he is an android and spends most of the day saying yes and no in a flat monotone and staring unblinkingly at people until they cut their losses. But this morning halfway through eating his porridge he picked up his bowl and threw it across the room. I wonder sometimes why I donât have the robot delusion. I wish I had the robot delusion.
In this place everybody has their own bathroom because they are afraid that if we shared we would all start fucking each other or smashing mirrors and stabbing each other. My room is a cuboid, seven feet by fifteen. I have a view of the yard that Iâm not allowed out to walk around in yet. I have to be level four for yard privileges.
My point is: for the last forever Iâve been alone in a bathroom. Tyler notwithstanding, this is weird. I took my pills this morning. Somehow Tyler is pressing through, an intrusion, a pain that borders on physical. Because I can feel him looking at it, I rub the blistery lump on my cheek, keloid-thick and heavy even in the inside of my mouth like a gobstopper.
âWhat the fuck are you doing here?â
Donât overthink the speech marks. I donât know why theyâre here either.
My head is on a constant jerking roll like Iâm on repeat. This is clichĂ©, but like a broken record.
âYouâre supposed to be gone. Iâm in remission.â
My doctor is going to have a field day over this shit.
@bonnmot
The lady handing out peanuts on this flight looks like she barely got any sleep last night. Maybe Iâm projecting, but itâs nice to have something in common with an air hostess. In Tylerâs Hindu cow philosophy the cabin crew are motes of dust in the air, white sprigs of cloud floating by. This is nothing to them, this is routine. The most exciting thing to happen to them isnât the bumps of turbulence, itâs some guy refusing to sit next to someone because heâs racist, some mid-flight panic attack: we should not be up here.
I tear open my peanuts with my teeth. I have the window seat. The man next to me has a classy plastic glass, a whiskey or a bourbon or something else honey brown, ice clattering artificially. Thereâs a woman sitting next to him, dead asleep, with her hands hidden under her jacket.
I say, did you know that the only reason it takes less alcohol to get drunk on an airplane is because you get hypoxic enough from the lack of oxygen that you start to feel lightheaded?
I tell him it has nothing to do with actually physically being more drunk; you just feel like you are. I tell him that a lot of the time, anyway, drunkenness is performative.
You fit into me like a hook into an eye a fish hook an open eye
Margaret Atwood, You Fit Into Me
preâamphibian, margaret atwood
âIâm the only one who likes you. The only one. Who fucking likes you except for me? Nobody!â tyler ..
THE MASTER, accepting.@hydroxiseâ
Maybe the best thing for me to do right now is take a timeout.
When I was a kid and I got mad about something my mom used to send me to sit on the bottom step of our staircase and stay there until I got over it. I imagine myself now, a grown man, removing myself from this room and from Tyler to go sit at the bottom of the stairs. He wouldnât let me go.
I am having a temper tantrum. I am so spitting fucking mad I could cut Tylerâs throat, I could rip his fucking head off. Heâs right and I donât want him to be and that makes him wrong. He is WRONG and I am ZEN. I am an empowered and informed member of society and I am going to dig my thumbs into his eyes and pop his eyeballs like two peeled grapes.
He is supposed to be my roommate.He is supposed to be my friend.He is supposed to be my Tyler.
If I sat down and listed all of the friends I have I wouldnât get past Tyler. Marla is not my friend, Marla is my problem. Bob is not my friend, Bob is my charity case. Fight club is not my friend, fight club is my saviour. That leaves Tyler, alone. Tyler star-sixty-nined me after my condo blew up and let me stay in his shitty house. Tyler told me how to make soap. The raised scar on the back of my hand, the shape of Tylerâs lips. Tylerâs kiss on the back of my hand, Tylerâs words coming out of my mouth.
Then nobody likes you either, I tell him.I say, You and me? Weâre the same.
Iâm pointing between us. My index finger pressing at my sternum and jabbing at the air in front of Tyler.
I tell him it doesnât matter if he likes me anyway. I tell him that only sycophants and doormats care who likes them. I tell him if heâs going to be a jackass then fuck him, fuck him, I wish heâd walk in front of a sixteen-wheeler, I wish that sixteen-wheeler would paste him into asphalt, I am so sick of him looking at me.
I am having a temper tantrum. I put my body, the one in my head, I put that body on the bottom step of our staircase and I leave him there sulking and oozing into the wood, the wood that swells and creaks in the night.
When my father was still around and I would whine and pull at the leg of his pants to get his attention he would call me a lickspittle. Like those dogs that drool all the time, elastic water that slobbers and drips, the consistency of precum. It knocks sickness into me like a physical pain, like retching from a foot or a knee or an elbow to the stomach. Lickspittle. My fatherâs voice, hard on the consonants. I donât remember what he looks like any more.
If I donât let go of Tyler he will hate me, and then Iâll be alone, and Iâll make up another Tyler in my head just so Iâll have someone to talk to.
Tyler tells me he is the only one who likes me. Tyler says he is the only one. Tyler asks me who fucking likes me except for him. Tyler tells me nobody. Tylerâs kiss on the back of my hand.
Tyler might have kissed a hundred hands and left a hundred scars but he did me first. Tyler told me how to make soap. Tylerâs kiss on the back of my hand: the possibility that God does not want me. That God never did. But Tyler does.
Tyler is the only one who likes me. The only one. Who fucking likes me except for him? Nobody.