(two weeks post op) I got my scar tape removed the other day! my nipples are still in horrendous shape so i have to keep wearing some protective gauze as they heal but iām getting there! (DO NOT reblog if youāre a trans/ftm fetish blog!)
Alright so this isnāt a pretty picture. But itās the one we have so deal with it.
Top picture is what was immediately beneath the gauze I was given at the hospital. I removed said gauze last night in a curious haste and was gifted with the sight of these weird foam hockey pucks sutured over my nipples. That was... fairly shocking. But, as is common post-op, I became fairly emotional and anxious. It doesnāt help that Iām fighting off a pretty gross cold/cough so Iām already not feeling Super Great, as well as the fact I was shorted by over half of my pain pills from the pharmacy. Still no idea what happened there, still annoyed about it. So Iāve been alternating Advil and Tylenol as my pain meds ran out, with mucinex to try to break down the phlegm in my lungs. Itās, overall, Fucked.
Bottom picture is the result of my post-op appointment with Lincenberg. He removed the sutures (pretty goddamn painful) and exposed my new nipples which looked like burnt pepperonis. This is normal. But I was extremely relieved to see they were a fairly normal size for a male (my old nipples were fairly large? and even if my breast tissue had shrunk more with T, it wouldnāt lookĀ ānormalā) and a good placement. That was one of my biggest concerns because Iāve seen some post-op trans male chests that had some wonky nipples.
The bandages on my nipples are part of my new post-op care where i cover them with this medicated gauze that Iāll end up changing every 24 hours or so. I can take showers now! Iām excited about that. It still smells disgustingly like hospital soap/iodine down there and Iām sick of it.
That bandaid/black scab in the center of my chest is from a mole that Lincenberg didnāt like (medically). He said he cleaned it up but iām pretty sure he just lopped it off. I was considering having it removed anyway so okay? But weird.
Day 2 has been signficantly more uncomfortable than Day 1 but maybe thatās because i didnāt sleep as much today. My bandages and gauze are starting to feel more and more like a binder that got stuck to me. Iām antsy for Sunday to come so I can reveal what my scars and nipples look like. I literally have no idea how big theyāll be (my areolas weāre pretty large pre-op. Maybe Iāll post pics one day when the memory has long past).
So the whole thing started on Wednesday when I went into Dr. Lincenbergās office for a 3rd time, but just was just for him to draw his procedural process on my chest and make a final decision on how it should go. Despite a lot of waffling on my part, I told him I wanted the lateral double incisions that is most common with trans men. Iād looked at post op results on his website and decided the Comma Incision wasnāt ideal. So he agreed and I handed over paperwork to be filled so I could get some sort of medical leave pay from work.Ā
Then I went to work, ever conscious of the eyeball-esque markings on my chest (my nipples looked like the eyes it was weird) and generally shaking like a leaf. A lot of my favorite regular customers wished me well and a speedy recovering and I even ended up coming out to a couple of them?? Definitely didnāt plan on that but it was fine! Everyone already knew someone whoād gone through this (transition, top surgery, etc). It was such a relief.
But honestly? Thank god theyād given me anxiety medication because I was Freaking Out. So good that my work friends were so sweet to me.
I went home and packed up my clothes, sleeping stuff, and Christmas presents because my plan is to camp out at my parentsā house while I recover, which should have me going home around Christmas. I hope so anyway. Weāll see~
That night, I had to shower with a surgical grade antibacterial soap called Hibiclens. Itās pink and very liquidy and made my skin feel so drryyyyyyy but I wasnāt allowed to use any lotion after showering. Boo.
Despite everything, I managed to get to sleep for a while before getting up at 5am. Jax was with us at my parentsā house at this point which was good because I love that boy and really count on him to get me through scary shit like this.
As soon as we got to the surgical center, everything seemed to go pretty quickly. We were in the waiting room for about 5 minutes before being called back (mom and Jax came with me, as 2 people were allowed to visit at any one time) and from there I gave another urine sample and stripped down to my hospital gown. Even my panties were forbidden. Rip.
We hung out for about an hour or so, then it was Surgery Time.
First they stuck my right hand with a numbing agent and placed my IV. I was warned it would make my mouth feel dry and by damn it did. Weird. Then Jax and my mom were shooed away and the nurse took me (bed bound) to the main hospital and my own operating room. Good GOD it was cold in there?? but they wrapped me up in blankets from some kind of heated storage so that rocked. I talked a bit with the other nurses there and we went over my basic info for about the nth time that day before i was told to transfer onto the operating table. It had these crucifix-esque arm fixtures for my arms to lie on, which gave me minor Saw V flashbacks. Then they put the anesthesia mask on me and I was out.
I came back to consciousness near a nursesā station in the surgical wing, hazy and sleepy, and overheard some discrepancy about which recovery room I was supposed to be in. Apparently 20 was supposed to be mine but was in use so they put me in 22 instead? I donāt know. It seemed like a big deal out of nothing. But by the time I got into the room I wasnāt in my anesthesia haze anymore so sadly, no wacky hijinks ensued.
Well, one hijink ensued. The nurses told my family I was ready to receive visitors and since only 2 people can visit at a time, my mom and sister came back first. For some reason I burst into tears and told them I loved them but I really wanted Jax back there with me. My sister completely understood (thank God because I still feel bad about this) and got him in, which launched me into another crying fit. I wanted to hug him so badly but I couldnāt, of course. But I felt better with him there.
Now that Iām home, my life has been short cycles of consciousness and not. I get tired pretty easily and fall asleep for about 20 minutes or more, over and over. Iām also dealing with this rising and ebbing nausea which wouldāve been controlled by the anti-nausea patch I was supposed to get with my prescriptions but I donāt recall ever seeing it?? Do really wish I had it though. I tried drinking a smoothie and that didnāt go great.
Aaand, finally, I wonāt be able to see my scars until Sunday. The gauze stays on and I get to have sponge baths. But! No blood drains. So thatās good.
Well itās been A While since Iāve posted here but I figured I might as well re-cap my pre-op experience for Top Surgery today.
(Oh yeah Iām having top surgery on the 14th)
So first things first, I scheduled my surgery back in May and re-scheduled around... October I think. Money issues, it happens. But itās going ahead full steam on next Thursday at 8am. The whole procedure should last about 3 hours and Iāll be surgeonād by Dr. Lincenberg with Atlanta Plastic Surgery. Heās really nice and makes me feel safe and understood. Heās been handling gender reassignment surgeries for 20 years or so? So heās very knowledgable and sensitive. Iām feeling confident.
I went in for my pre-op at the plastic surgery place at 9 this morning to do another physical assessment of my breast tissue and the ideal method for the procedure.
Soooo okay typically there are two scar patterns that transgender men have post top surgery, depending on the size of their breasts
The latter comes from having larger breasts and having to remove/reconnect skin issue after liposuction. But notice that the areola scarring and lateral lines below the pectorals is the biggest commonalities. For years Iāve seen this as The Scars To Have and iāve always imagined myself post-op, proudly supporting these stripes.
However, due to my small breast size, Lincenberg recommended what he calls Comma Scars.
as you can well see this is a fairly large deviation from what I had come to expect. It initially upset me quite a lot, having mentally prepared myself for literal yearsĀ that I would have these prominent lateral scars. But... okay. Doctor knows best. And my mom was happy with that, as her biggest concern is people reacting poorly to any signs that I am not a cisgender male. But whatever, life goes on.
Anyway flash forward to today when he did another physical assessment and decided that maybe the lateral incisions would be better?? He asked me how I felt and honestly? I didnāt care. I like both. I like having standard scars and the unique comma scars. So weāll see the day of I guess.
The pre-op with Lincenberg took about an hour and I was able to settle the payment for the surgery right then and there so no worries for next week. It was nice, being able to just... do that. But Iām on a carecredit payment plan so Iāll be paying this off for a While. (Donations to my paypal are always accepted and appreciated ;0 )
Then I went over to Dekalb Medical to have my pre-op there. Iād never been there before and wasnāt sure what to expect, but they... have a Starbucks and a Subway in the reception area... so thatās fun.
I waited for abouuuut 45 minutes before being called back to settle paperwork re: payment. That all went through fine and I was made to wait for another... 45 minutes or so? I was starting to get Very hungry but didnāt want to get Subway and then get called back for whatever they were going to have me do? So I just waited. And waited.
Finally I get called back, get height and weight taken, then sat down to do More Dang Paperwork. Basically I went over what Iād just filled out in the waiting room, just to check for errors. I kept forgetting that wisdom tooth surgery technically counts as surgery so... had to keep amending that.
Urine sample, blood sample, Iām free to go.
The whole thing, from Lincenbergās to Dekalb, took 5 hours. Horrible! But then I had to go to the pharmacy and get a couple prescriptions filled thatāll come into play next week. Pain pills, anti-anxiety pills, anti-nausea pills, etc.....
But! Iām almost there. Just gotta go back to Lincenberg for the pre-op mark up on my tiddies and then be at Dekalb at 6am with my family and partner in tow.
And here we are! One year later (technically tomorrow). Iām gonna compile my selfies and do some fun comparison posts, including an audio I did a few weeks ago. But after that I donāt think Iāll be doing weekly updates. Maybe just at big landmarks and probably with some aesthetic inspo pics. But this blog wonāt go away for good, largely because itās such a cool way to document this amazing first year.
So!!! Thanks for following and continuing to follow. I canāt wait to see what year 2 holds for me.
I need a hair cut, first off. Iāll be doing that... eventually, I guess. Itās just so annoying trying to communicate what I want with my stylist. I give them a picture and they glance at it and guess what, they donāt get it right. I have to be more assertive withĀ āNo, I want literally this, not what you think I want.ā Because otherwise Iām going to be stuck with this weird uneven mop forever.
Anyway, I realized I never updated here what happened with my dad outing me to my Bubbee.
In short? It went better than I couldāve hoped. I missed the explanation and questions, which I hated missing, but when I finally went over that night and sat down with her, she showed me nothing but love and support. She even told me she knew from seeing me last year; āWell, thatās a boy! Iāve raised three of them, I know them when I see them.ā Iāll never forget that.
Iām so lucky. Iām so god damn lucky. Iām so loved and accepted by everyone whoās important to me and even if there has been a struggle changing with them and myself, itās never been questioned that I was accepted. Iām so lucky every day I get to say I love you to my parents, my sister, my best friends, my boyfriend. Iām so lucky for each injection I get to do myself, for each clinic visit I can afford, for the eventual surgery I know my parents will help pay for. Iām so blessed.
Iām relapsing into my depression. I can feel it. Yesterday was Hell, today was better but not great. Iām still not okay. Iām figuring myself out every day and trying my hardest. I donāt always feel like Iām making progress but I am. Iāve changed so much this past year but Iām definitely better for it. I sure as hell am better than I was last year. Iām so much stronger and happier than I ever thought I was or would be. And I know 2016 is only going to be better.
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