V

Writer. TT: menacing.thought Ig: insyneratehymm

[goddpuppet]

I wasn't built for grief,

I just become angry-

I'm reckless before im devastated,

I almost lost control of my truck the morning after I found out he shot himself,

My knuckles will be red and bloody, eyes ridden with dark circles, nothing is worth doing,

I can't pray about it to a god who abandoned us so long ago, seems futile-

I wasn't built for grief-

I will destroy myself mourning you, follow in your footsteps like a loyal dog,

It's almost pathetic-

“it will get easier”

I don't want it to, feels a betrayal to the dead to move on, 

Everything feels overshadowed by guilt, 

Laughter, sex, eating- everything feels overshadowed by guilt-

Because the body is starting to rot.

And i'm still here,

Oxygen and 305s in my lungs but i'll flip a cigarette for you,

As if that makes up for anything…

.

.

[goddpuppet]

I don't think I have it in me-

I want to love someone enough to change myself for

Become what you need at whatever cost to myself

I want to bleed for someone

Maybe I should start believing in god

I want to be self-destructive for a better purpose

Do anything to prove myself

I think it would be nice to feel something 

Even if it's cruelty

[goddpuppet]

our father says "-forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil-"

but the church has prevailed as one of my earliest trespassers-

my body was not my own it was christs-

eating your flesh every Sunday of the third grade,

he forced himself on me and he would not be the last,

later i would separate myself from him-

and be named a problem,

ridiculed for my behavior as retaliation in the face of those who trespassed against me.

I was born into temptation,

because those around me invariably gave into theirs-

predestined-

and i will deliver myself to evil every Sunday rather than spending any further time down on my knees for him,

Amen.

- Godpuppet (V.G)

october 2nd 2022

[goddpuppet]

People say they miss being a child the carefree whimsy of not knowing everything is unbearable.

Just yet.

But I was not that child, I worried,

I teared up driving past the catholic cemetery because I knew everyone I knew or ever loved would die sooner or later.

I knew I would die and feel the cold itchy dirt above my body,

"I can't take wolfy with me"

Seemed unfair I had to die and couldn't even take my favorite stuffed animal.

I was such a horrifically aware child

I knew who had drinking problems and that the food stamps office was full of assholes.

I wondered why the doctor was expensive when we need it to live, and why anyone was homeless.

I have never known a moment of peace or a quiet mind.

I thought about outgrowing my toys, and my dogs dying.

I'd lay awake at night thinking about when the last time my dad hugged me would be, who was standing in the exact spot I was hundreds of years ago, and what would happen if the cherry tree fell and crushed my bedroom in my sleep.

Sometimes I wish it had.

-godpuppet (V.G)

[goddpuppet]

I do not want to live any longer-

Albert Camus said suicide is confessing that life is not worth the trouble of living.

Scorn the suffering and never deny its existence, but I am tired I am sick of being angry and scornful, life means nothing, that is not where my problem lies-

I wish I was Sisyphus-

I can’t enjoy the absurdity, or know that suffering really means nothing. 

I cannot push this boulder any longer, I cannot live a life of futile tasks.

I cannot lie with my condemnation to a meaningless existence- 

Yet I have accepted it as truth.

I will not pray nor will I create a false idol to take away these problems, yet i do wish to die and be rid of it, and that is why I am not Sisyphus 

-godpuppet (V.G)

[goddpuppet]

Nostalgia makes me sick, it makes my stomach turn and my head spin. That place doesn't exist anymore, I can't ever go back. 

And I find myself reminiscing- no, longing for that place that doesn't exist

Every bad memory soaked into the dirty brown carpet has long been deteriorating at the Staten Island dump 

Yet here I am

Longing- Not for the fighting or the mice

But for something simpler

For 5 year old me who came home to that house from surgery, stuffed wolf tucked under my arm, Bloody bandages 

I'm too old to take a stuffed animal with me to the hospitals anymore.

Longing to put my clothes on the older-than-dirt radiator to warm them up when it was below zero outside.

I wonder how much broken glass was in the carpet-

I wonder how quickly they moved her body-

The house was flipped No more cherry tree, it was far older than I am and I think a part of me died with it-

Death is coming for any remnants of this life of mine-

that is hidden in memories I can't reach and my therapist thinks maybe I shouldn't keep trying because I won't like what I find- but

Death is coming, it has plucked them off already- the dog, the neighbors, Aunt Tessie, the cat, slowly

 it will only exist in my mind 

as my sisters are too young.

What will I do then? I can't trust my own brain. What will I do when the only place my home exists is my mind?

There is no home to go back to, 

I miss a place that hasn't existed in years.

My home has been couches and cars and bug filled houses full of people that don't like who I am- 

I wanna go home

This is not the home I knew

It is not my home anymore 

[goddpuppet]

My household was not soft, to be gentle was to be vulnerable, any emotion but bitterness and compliance was met with punishment,

Every tear fallen was a crime, an open door to a lesson on emotions that were deemed useless.

Childhood is a slammed door, a closed fist, a raised voice, mice in the kitchen, the whole speedometer, a pack of marlboros, 

the hallway smells of old beer-

Tears paint faces-

But crying is a worthless stunt. I wonder how much of this my little sister remembers

To be gentle was to be vulnerable, and I vowed to myself to never be vulnerable, I have become a sheep in wolves clothing for the sheer protection it carries to be perceived as a hazard. 

If I am not something malleable, usable, easily overpowered, I am safe, so I will be grotesque, undesirable- It's the way I was raised, to be feared rather than fearful.

Maybe one day I can be soft, but not now, I am still far too afraid.

[goddpuppet]

i have spent my entire life asking nicely "please don't touch me" 

the past few years i have been screaming those same words at the top of my lungs

and less and less people listen

i asked her to please not touch me

in every nice way i could think of

i cursed him out after he touched me

i told him not too

and he didn't listen

i'm back to asking politely

please do not touch me 

[goddpuppet]

I miss my sister

[goddpuppet]

everytime i light a cigarette

for just split second

i remember being a little kid, and begging my dad to stop smoking

its so bad for your health

the first time i lit a cigarette

i cried

my hands smelt like sawdust and nicotine

i am my father

this cigarette commemorated it

i am cold and mean, i abuse too many substances and drive too fast, i am undeserving of love and refuse to let anyone know how much i hate myself

i am my father

[goddpuppet]

I am a Phalaris paradox-

Vonnegut would say "we're all Heliogabalus",

and mean the same thing-

I am locked inside the bull,

and I am the only one on the outside who can unlock the door and let me out-

I scream and beg, sounds only leaving the bull's mouth-

for someone to open the door,

for someone to please let me out before I burn alive- and everyone is doused in the scent of burning flesh

I don't know whether I beg to spare them the unpleasantness of my demise

or if I truly want an escape

do I deserve to let myself out?

[seelenbalken-deactivated2023071]

“If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die but live forever.”

— Michelle Devani

[thoughtkick]

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”

— Epiphany

[soulpiece]

out

and you made me feel like

I wanted to crawl out of my skin

into a body that was easier to love

a personality that fit yours better

a mind that thought like yours

a soul that was less damaged

I want out

I want out of here

I want out of this body

I want out of this life