The Nobody

Stephen G. Yea. Y'know me

[godincar]

What Whaaaat!?

YO! I’m alive. Not that anyone was really worried about that. But hey, who am I to assume what you or anyone else worries about? I don’t know youuu... or maybe I do. Don’t go assuming I know you that well. Goodness. Making assumptions about me. How dare you.

Well now that you’re done thinking that I know so much about you, let’s get back to me shall we? Where have I been after saying I wanted to get back into blogging ish? Well I’m glad you asked.

I didn’t really go anywhere. I’m such a dang perfectionist that I really couldn’t think of anything to talk about. I can’t even begin to tell you how long I spent thinking about that other blog, and what I would say in it. The fact that I’m writing this one on the fly is a bit odd I think. I really don’t have any inspiration for this one aside from just wanting to let my thoughts wander a bit. So lets go for a walk shall we?

No, you’re not some dog or anything. Though I probably should work on my cardio... but that’s beside the point. I’m currently listening to the GOP Presidential debate. Not listening-listening. It’s more like the tv happens to be on in the other room loud enough that I can make out what is being said. But I’m not really understanding, or caring for that matter, what they are talking about. Typing on this new-ish keyboard is definitely helping to drown out the noise too. Not to say that it isn’t important, because I definitely understand the gravity of selecting a new President of the United States. I think I’ll get a little more proactive in listening to the debates when the election gets closer. The fact that there are still two separate debates kinda speaks to how far away we still are from the real debates.

Wow. Totally wasn’t expecting to get political. It’s a touchy subject for some people. And I’ll try not to get to deep into where my own political preferences lie. It’s generally bad for business....

Anyway, this new keyboard is one of those split kind that are supposed to be good for your hands and what not. I’m realizing that it isn’t that easy to use because number 1: the dang keyboard is too loud, making for me not wanting to type much; and number 2: I never really memorized the keys on the keyboard, so having them split up is even harder on me because I’m not that fast of a typer. Most everything I type out is from muscle memory rather than actually knowing where the keys are. But yea. This keyboard will do for now I guess.

Why on earth did you want to know about my new keyboard? Its not like you’ll ever see it. Unless you end up in my room, which I don’t suggest. Wait what? You didn’t ask about the keyboard at all, and I merely started to talk about it myself? Well don’t start complaining about it. Sheez. Its my blog after all...

Back to more interesting things, you anti-keyboardist. Yea that’s right, I’m throwing insults now at a nameless person that may or may not know me. I had a fun Thanksgiving. Saw all the cousins, and then this year marked my grandpa’s 80th, so that was a fun weekend in Vegas. I attempted to make macarons... which didn’t turn out amazing by any means, but I know where most of my mistakes were now. I’ll try again for Christmas.

Alright, I am seriously running out of things to talk about. I suppose I should have started off the blog with this, but I finally got a job!! I started a little more than 2 months ago, at an engineering firm called NV5.

WHAT WHAT!?

(see this blog came full circle. I don’t care if it seemed forced)

[godincar]

Outlets

Well one of the earliest experiences I had with an outlet involved a fork... 

Oh what? This isn’t about literal electrical outlets? Whaaa? You think its way too cliche to start with a seemingly unrelated subject to segue into what I want to talk about? Well screw you, I can start my posts anyway I want to. Wtfudge... Why am I even trying to rationalize my thought process to someone I may or may not even know? Huh? Yea, I continued this conversation for waaaay longer than necessary. And now its even more awkward that I’m assuming to know what you’re think about this opening paragraph. I’ll just stop. Now...

Anyways, I haven’t tried to write out my thoughts or feelings in a really long time.... Like... a couple years long. I always felt that my prose was a bit boring, and it generally turned into some sort of self loathing type of thing (and just by saying that, I think I just proved my point...). Whether or not that was healthy doesn't matter too much, but I know I definitely miss an outlet...

Oh man, small exposition time: I remember back in middle school, Xanga had totally just became a thing, and I would get so butt hurt that nobody read what I had to say. I probably used to write my every waking thought on there, and I suppose as a middle schooler, I was only looking for some self gratification. And as I’ve grown older, as has anyone who is reading this knows, sometimes that notoriety just never happens, which is completely fine and normal. Anyways, yea... mother-fudgin’ XANGA people. Oh man, the lives I ruined on there... (mainly mine)

... But back to the topic at hand. Outlets are important I think. I can imagine many people spend a lot of their time not saying what they want to, cuz I certainly do. And then of course, you have the people that speak their mind, and they’re either super cool, or super weird, or super amazing or... I’ll just stop now. I’m of the type that keep my mouth shut generally, which means outlets like this are important. I don’t usually speak my mind cuz I’m way too scared of how others will react, or that social norms require me not to say something I want to. Its not bad by any means though, I can still carry a conversation with most anyone (for like half a second maybe). Outlets are by no means replacements for real conversations either. Social interaction is a staple of living, and while I totally have become a recluse who sits in front of the computer most of the day, I too need to talk to somebody every now and then (usually more then than now, but that’s neither here nor there... or anywhere for that matter. Wow, this parenthesis is getting quite long - I’ll just stop here). Its always good to get a little perspective on some piece of news or gossip. And it is way more fun when you can laugh about something with someone else, than alone (hahahaha. See, that was a sad lonely laugh...). 

But just as important it is to speak you mind with someone you can confide in, internal meditation is important too. I don’t generally do it too often, but I remember now that it was in outlets like my posts that I would meditate on my life, and it was then that I truly knew myself. It also really helped to look back on my life and see what a frikken %$%#&^% I was. I hate to reminisce (which is a story for another day), but these kind of posts really give me a way to see into what kind of person I was, and how I would like to change myself.

And uhh... yea. Outlets provide a place for me to be myself. I always felt like xanga was kinda my open diary for anyone to read if they wanted to, but probably wouldn’t, in that no one would understand my inside jokes (like literally inside my mind), and wouldn’t want to read my terrible grammarisms and run-on sentences that almost took up an entire paragraph when I could have totally cut them off 20 words ago. Outlets provided a place to let my internal comedian out for just a little while and try to be funny without the harsh judgmental looks of an audience (What’s up with those purple polkadot elephants though? *cricket*cricket*) 

So while I doubt anyone will ever actually read my essay of a post, I think its high time I started to post again. Everyone needs to let off steam now and then, and I think I’ve hit a point in life that I need an outlet for all the stuff that’s built up over the last few years. 

Cheers peeps. And keep reaching for the stars! (hey. Its a work in progress. How else am I supposed to end these things?)

[tifamex]

"The first Disney Movie to tell girls they can fight too is Frozen!"

"Frozen is the first Disney Movie where the girl didn’t need a man to save her!! <3 "

[neko-chicana]

"Frozen is the first Disney movie about loving sisters!"

[disneyaddictgirl]

"Frozen is the first Disney movie to question why someone would get married after knowing them for only a day."

[rapnzel-s-deactivated20150108]

"Frozen is the first film to have a blonde male lead who “doesn’t fit the cookie cutter mold””

[iraffiruse]

[godincar]

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Melt My Heart to Stone - Adele feat. Johnny Polygon

I don't love a ton of remixes, but this one ain't half bad

[godincar]

getting hacked sucks....

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Sunshine Girl - J Boog feat. Peetah

[godincar]

Indecision 2012

I hate doubt. It prevents me from getting the task done at hand. It creates fear or even hatred for whatever I have worked for, and if allowed to take control, forces me two steps back when really I should be spending that time trying to go forward. the mentality that what I am doing is wrong aggravates me. Doubt makes all that effort I put into being efficient go down the drain. It makes me afraid of these past 3 years, makes me question whether have I chosen the right major? Because from what I can tell, getting absolutely no A's is a pretty good indication that I'm in the wrong place.

I hate regret. It always starts with a what if... and if I allow myself to finish that sentence, it haunts every decision I make thereafter. From what I've learned, it is impossible to live without a few, but the strongest people I know can accept the path they've taken, good or bad. Unfortunately I'm not one of them. The things I tend to regret run deep and have the potential of messing with decades of my life. I hate to reminisce solely because all those regrets come up in looking back on my life.

*sigh*

In other news that isn't emo:

Competitions for a bunch of my clubs are coming up. Two of the clubs (though I am really only part of one of them) have a conference up in Cal Poly. I know that I'm going to that conference, but it also means missing the last 2 days of finals, so I'm hoping to goodness gracious that my Prof's allow me to move them. Another one of my groups is having their competition two weeks into my spring quarter, and the competition is all the way out in Tennessee (cause you know, you're the only one I see. Hahaha... nvrmnd), which will be difficult to get to. My parents are definitely saying no to a plane ride out there, but apparently a group of them plan on driving out there. Its definitely something I'm contemplating, considering it will be less than a fifth of the cost of flying. Should I possibly drive coast to coast and miss a week of school for a competition out in Tennessee?

/end

[godincar]

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Cool Down - Kolohe Kai

This song is on repeat when I'm at the Almirol-Manimtim household

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Come With Me - Sammie

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Christmas Medley

Ummm. Yes. For the Pokemon lovers. This kinda sums up what the original voice actors did for a Christmas Album 

[godincar]

Sigh.

So most people know that I'm a really laid back person when it comes to studying and doing hw. I generally shrug it off and say that if having spent an entire quarter learning the stuff, and I don't know it yet, I don't deserve to do well on the final. But I know that isn't true. There is no way to completely recall everything learned within 10 weeks, and then hope that you remember everything important for a test. Nope, I'm living in some dillusional world I've created for myself to handle my falling grades.

If I truly wanted to pass, and do well in all my classes, I would study. Study every word that's been spoken from my professor's mouth (not that any of my teachers really podcast), and every random note they've put on the board. But to be frank, the only reason I ever did that in high school was because I had people to study with, I had people to compare notes with, to ask for help from. And really, nowadays, I'm alone. Not physically I suppose, there are people always studying around me, telling me that I should be doing the same. But I'll usually be reading, watching videos, and anything but studying. None of them are engineers (well . . . structural to be exact, because some of them are engineers). Where's the motivation to study if everyone around you is helping each other, making jokes about the professors I'll never have? Not with them. And I think that's the main reason I refuse to study. Its stupid, I know, but when you feel like 3rd wheel, you don't really feel like doing the same as everyone else. I don't have podcasts to listen to, I don't usually have slides to go off of, its mostly just me staring at textbooks that make no sense, and ugly notes that I take during class. Its awkward feeling alone amongst friends.

That's why I tried to join so many clubs this quarter where I would be surrounded by people in my major. I've made so many friends this past quarter that I feel like I was really successful. But it came at a really heavy cost. I lost a lot of time with people important to me, and I used tons of gas to get around. But it was all for the sake of gaining friends that I really could study with. Unfortunately, for the upcoming finals, I am studying alone. I truly feel unprepared for the 2 finals that are back to back tomorrow. I want to pretend that I don't feel alone, and go to sleep believing what I said earlier, if I'm meant to pass, I will. But my brain knows that isn't true. I will fail if I don't begin studying soon.

I want to curl up and disappear. I feel alone. Everyone is either in hardcore study mode, or heading home and resting being finished with everything. Hahaha. Ugh.

/ e n d m y l i f e n o w p l e e e e e a a a a s e

[godincar]

Alright, let's go through the professors this quarter:

Prof. Paris: By far the easiest professor I've had so far. Its for Psych 60, which is a simple statistic class in psychology, which is required for a lot of the upper division classes. He likes to give near perfect lectures that he seems to have practiced the entire night before. But he's young, and likes to dress in only black or maroon every lecture. I think its just the different mind set that makes the class so easy. I've been focused on how will this beam deflect that looking at a unit normal curve is a nice change of pace. Well it helps that he spells out basically everything 5 seperate times. But yea, super easy class . . . despite what everyone else says about him.

Prof. Conte: I'll admit that this guy is a good teacher, because I recognize that he wants us to pass. Its just that what he teaches is so danged difficult that no one will ever know he's a good professor. This is also a statistics class, only statistics as they relate to engineering, so kind of a structural analysis class. The stuff he goes over every single day generally goes over my head, and it isn't until I get back my hw and quizzes and midterms that I understand the concepts, which obviously is too late. His office hours are monstruously helpful, but seeing as I'm busy beyond all reason, I often can't attend, which makes my grade suffer majorly in the class.

Prof Van Den Einde: I have her for the last two class, SE 1 (an intro to SE) and SE 103 (Conceptual Design). SE 1 is a piece of cake, despite being in a group of freshman and a transfer. I hate having to be the leader of anything, and it ends up looking like I take the reins and do everything for myself, when I really don't want it to be that way. SE 103 on the other hand, I'm in a group with people my grade level which is the way I like it, meaning I am not expected to do everything, though I try to do a lot. Its an odd balance of being the leader of a group, while in the other I am more or less a follower. Both classes are somewhat difficult, having no final but rather a final presentations and a bunch of labs. I hate labs, because they end up being far more work than they initally seem. But whatever. It hurts too that half of them are competitions, and I generally suck at competitions. Whatever. Prof VDE is the same, teaches way too much, way too fast, and we are forced to teach most of what she wants to know to ourselves right before the midterms. I figure I ought to have gotten used to it by now. And from what she tells us, she's swamped by the other 2 classes she's teaching (meaning 4 altogether, which is a lot for a prof at once). In any case, her classes are usually automatic B's for me . . . ugh. And screw the SE 1 lecture time: 7 - 10pm!?!?! who the heck came up with that for a tuesday night?

5 clubs. Oh Stephen. That means something every day of the week almost. SMH. why?

[godincar]

Looking back at the last 7 days . . .

So far I've:

Failed a midterm

Failed a few homework assignments

Been trained at three stations in the machine shop (don't ask me to name them please)

Been punched in the face by a running 6th grader during wiffle ball

Used a miniature shake table to destroy afore said 6th grader's K'Nex building

Helped mix a half a dozen different concrete mixes for a concrete canoe

Brainstormed designs for a balsa wood building (which will hopefully survive a shake table)

Ate at Canadian Burger for the first time (which was most definitely delicious)

Assisted group in building a balsa wood water tower, which has broken almost all of my perfectionist ideals so far

Listened to panel of architects, project managers, and structural engineers for the new SE building on campus

Been drop dead tired basically every day the second I get home, including the weekends

If you've been more productive (though I don't know if you consider failure something productive) than me, do tell. I'd love to hear about your life.

I dunno. I know I planned on joining clubs this year, but ummm . . . joining like 1 umbrella club, along with its 4 smaller teams has definitely eaten my time. It certainly does not help to be in two seperate lab groups, one of which I am the leader due to seniority. Its no longer a question of whether or not I should be doing something every hour, but rather do I have time to not do something? Whatever. I've decided its time to kick it into high gear, put the pedal to the metal, and get s*** done. Let's just hope my grades don't suffer too much for it...

[godincar]

As blind and deaf as I may seem at times, I generally notice people more often than they think. It's rare for someone to truly surprise me, only because I am constantly looking around. Its probably the reason I get a tingle in my spine when someone walks behind me and I know it, because it irks my brain knowing they could do something to me while I'm not watching. In any case, I'll pretend that I didn't see you, but chances are good I did. And since I'm so good with faces usually (unless you got plastic surgery or something), the chances of me recognizing you are pretty high too. I just suck at names (but that has nothing to do with being blind or deaf). As far as deaf goes, I'm filipino, so you best believe if you aren't more than 10 feet away and whispering, I will hear your murmers.

So yea. Don't think you're hiding from me in any way. If I learned anything from Mr Biggs, it was to never be caught off guard. Shoot.

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Sun Storm - Mac Lethal

Apparently the exit song from the first season of ABDC. I think the only part I dislike is the last 3 seconds or so . . .

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Poison - Bell Biv DeVoe