Sysiphus’s Boulder @godless-divinities-blog - Tumblr Blog

12•22•2018

The feelings

So the feelings. I feel like my life has changed drastically for the worse in the past week and I blame Snow White. That’s not her actual name obviously. Her actual name starts with an ‘x’. That may or may not be a lie. What’s not a lie is that I’m really kind of childisly in love with this girl. Childish because I’ve only known her a few weeks.

She doesn’t love me back. She’s only 18. That gives her the unique ability to say nothing true without telling a lie.

I miss her. I wanted to see her last night. That didn’t work out. She wasn’t interested. She says she’ll join me Wednesday. The day after Christmas. I know she’s using me. I hope I’m wrong.

I want to end it now while Schrodinger’s box is still closed but how can i?

12•24•2018

4:43am

What makes it so tempting is that I have no idea how much is actually in there. Looks like a lot. But who knows how much failed to dissolve. The tar just /did not/ want to dissolve in lukewarm water. I went through like 5 cottons cos they kept getting saturated.

#ovedose

The strange thing

You know what th strange thing is about drafting a suicide note before you’ve comitted yet to committing suicide?

Neither so I really. I had an idea in my head of how this post was going to go over an hour ago when I began it. Now I’ve forgotten it all . About an hour ago, I spent about an hour and a half prepping a shot of heroin.

Of course I remembered everything but my lighter. And of course I didn’t realize I’d forgotten it until I’d already been gone an hour. So what did I do? I used hot sink water. The tar did not dissolve. Oh and of course it was 3am and I was crashing at an aquaintence’s apartment and of course his roommate was not aware of my drug habits. So, already panicking cos I just spent 45 minutes in there sterilizing all my equipment (I soaked/rinsed everything in isopropyl alcohol, washed it with hand soap, rinsed with water, and dried with hand towels; it should not have taken as long as it did) I panic further at how slowly the tar dissolved. So I decided that, for speed, I’d…

Fuck the exposition for now. Let’s focus on the feelings.

#sterilization

New beginning

12•23•2018

2:30am

I began the next chapter of my story a few days ago when I abandoned my PHP sober living rehab program. I suppose I could go further into detail but let’s keep it simple for now, shall we? My name is not Alice, but that is what I shall call myself for the time being. It is currently 2:30AM on Sunday, the 23rd of December. Christmas Eve Eve. Bleh. To begin the day (or rather, complete the previous one), I shall be attempting to prepare and administer an intravenous heroin injection. Here goes nothing.

2:41am