※ STARKID’S THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS ※
starters from starkid’s new musical the guy who didn’t like musicals ! feel free to change names/pronouns/places/etc !
“What an ass. What a bitch. What a cuck!”
“It’s the end of the world, Paul.”
“We swear we will teach you.”
“The apotheosis is upon us.”
“He’s destined to go viral.”
“He definitely won’t like this.”
“You’ve gotta believe in something, Paul.”
“Were you gonna sign up for the company softball league.”
“I don’t want to, though.”
“Sweetheart, it’s… cuddle night.”
“What do you mean ‘so what’, the counselor says we should do it at least once a month!”
“Don’t you think I’m tired, too?”
“Maybe tomorrow night then, huh?”
“That was Sam. He’s doing just fine…”
“I’m sorry, you can’t smoke in here.”
“Her mother, just to make me look small, took her all the way to New York to see Hamilton.”
“Wow. She’ll like that just as much as Hamilton.”
“She thinks you’re cool. Maybe you could talk me up a bit.”
“You’d rather do nothing than come with us to see Mamma Mia.”
“I’d rather do anything than go see Mamma Mia.”
“The idea of sitting there, trapped, in a musical, that is my own personal hell.”
“I’m trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you’re just gonna leave me hanging?”
“I just want my daughter back…”
“I don’t wanna show you up.”
“I don’t wanna give my money to some corporate chain.”
“I don’t wanna disturb anyone.”
“Did you do that to be nice or did you do it to be an asshole?”
“Oh, no, what am I gonna do without that dollar that I have to split with five other people?”
“I still haven’t gotten my hot chocolate.”
“I have very low blood sugar.”
“I just tipped because, you know… people should tip.”
“Not that you’re an asshole. Well, maybe you are.”
“Oh, no, that’s for you. I don’t give a shit about them.”
“I think I had to see that. I did not like it.”
“I don’t like musicals. Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable.”
“Some things are worth it.”
“I see you in here all the time, don’t I?”
“Oh, shoot, I forgot Bill’s caramel frap… eh, fuck Bill.”
“You don’t give to Greenpeace, do you?”
“This has to be the last time.”
“You’re such an asshole, but that uniform is so fucking sexy.”
“If anyone thinks that makes me less of a man, they can talk to my fucking gun!”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up?”
“Come on, you bastard! You don’t think I’m ready for you?”
“What the fuck was that?”
“What’s happening? I’m very confused and concerned by all of this.”
“Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.”
“We get there, and the whole theatre was exploded by a god dang meteor!”
“You got enough coffee in the sugar?”
“Is today some kind of, I don’t know, Canadian holiday or something?”
“You’re fucking useless, Paul.”
“I just have a bad feeling about all of this.”
“I don’t know why, but it frightened me.”
“What do you want, Paul?”
“What’s that one concrete goal that motivates all your actions?”
“I don’t know, I want money-?”
“A man so vague just can’t be trusted.”
“Do you know what I want for myself?”
“I want you to choke me out at night.”
“This seems like a private moment. Like, who is this for?”
“I want you to choke me while I jerk off.”
“No, Paul, I want you to hear this, if you leave, you’re fired.”
“I forgot what I wanted to say.”
“Please, God, I just want a black coffee!”
“You’re talking to me, like a normal person.”
“I think there’s something terribly wrong with the world today.”
“It is scary, if you think about the implications. Promise me you’ll think about the implications.”
“When I got this job, I signed up to serve coffee and cold, shitty pastries.”
“Whose decision was it to line an alleyway with tons of shrubs?”
“There’s a dead end here, so… just go the other way again.”
“I know this is probably a bad time, but, uh, do you like film?”
“You were right. I didn’t think about the implications.”
“If you want to stay in our hiding spot, you’ve gotta stay quiet.”
“You grabbed the wrong one, you noodle!”
“We’re cops. And we make sense.”
“Do the things I say, I’m a cop!”
“We have to get out of downtown, okay? Downtown is fucked.”
“I’m his favorite student ‘cause I bought him groceries once.”
“What do you call a guy that lives in a fortress?”
“He thinks the world is ending, he’s been preparing for the last 20 years for the apocalypse.”
“I am a presbyterian. I am not gonna die in your dirty-ass methodist church.”
“I don’t need to see it, thank you.”
“These are my friends. This is Paul, and… them.”
“I theorized this exact scenario thirty years ago.”
“What the fuck is this shit?”
“Look no further than my robot assistant, Alexa.”
“Do you have anything to take the edge off, like… drink - or something?”
“Young man, for the past 27 years, I have been stockpiling the bare essentials needed for human survival in the event of a world-ending cataclysm. You bet your ass we’ve got booze.”
“If I’m gonna die, I’m gonna go out doing the thing I love. Screwing around with another man’s wife.”
“I love him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”
“No, Charlotte! This guy is a scumbag. You could upgrade to a sleazeball.”
“Where am I? Why am I tied to a chair?”
“I really don’t wanna die alone in here.”
“How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley Temple without any cherries?”
“If it’s as serious as all that, I figured we might need a designated driver.”
“If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna… do something to you!”
“I’m gonna kick your- head!”
“I wanna see you kick above your waist.”
“Okay, it was a dumb threat, stop rubbing it in.”
“This is supposed to relax us, not make us kill each other.”
“I’m gonna start a pot farm.”
“Weed’s the future. It’s gonna be legal nationwide soon, bet you any money…!”
“We’re gonna kick your ass, and then we’re gonna fucking kick your ass.”
“Sing the beginning of Moana!”
“I didn’t like that movie.”
“Alright. That was terrible.”
“Right now, you need to run and hide.”
“Everything’s going to be fine.”
“I knew we were gonna need a designated driver!”
“You screaming is gonna get us killed.”
“What was I supposed to do? Lie?”
“Whatever I said this morning, I’m sorry.”
“We need to leave right now.”
“Why does it hurt to love you?”
“Wear a watch! Time is a precious thread in the fabric of the universe! It deserves its own tool of measurement!”
“I was trying to save something that could not be saved.”
“I don’t think it can do that…”
“If they hear us, they will kill us!”
“This song’s pretty good, huh?”
“While I’ve been preparing for the apocalypse, I’ve also been writing my own musical.”
“Do you mind if I give you the pitch?”
“Last week feels like ages ago.”
“Five o’clock can’t come soon enough.”
“I can’t wait to get home to my boys.”
“We’ve gotta get out of here while they’re distracted!”
“I say I’d be a better person, I’m still not a good person!”
“Fuck you, Hatchetfield!”
“I hate to say this right now, but this is what seatbelts are for.”
“I don’t know your friends’ fucking names…!”
“Our coffee was shit ‘cause we didn’t care.”
“We’ve been waiting for you, Paul.”
“Is my integrity worth anything at all?”
“You’re sure there were no other survivors?”
“Don’t you want to see me happy?”
“Can I - can I use your phone, please?”
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