grief.

a self one does not want. a heart one cannot help.

[gohldfincha]

pippa and theo ? it’s the same picture

[thegoldfinchsource]

All the time, I’d known it was a mistake, keeping the painting, and still I’d kept it. No good could come of keeping it. It wasn’t even as if it had done me any good or given me any pleasure. Back in Las Vegas, I’d been able to look at it whenever I wanted, when I was sick or sleepy or sad, early morning and the middle of the night, autumn, summer, changing with weather and sun. It was one thing to see a painting in a museum but to see it in all those lights and moods and seasons was to see it a thousand different ways and to keep it shut in the dark—a thing made of light, that only lived in light — was wrong in more ways than I knew how to explain. More than wrong: it was crazy.

[gohldfincha]

it    was    abysmally    obvious.    even    in    my    pilled    stupor,    i    understood    the    attachment    was    entirely    visual.    veronica    was    cooler,    more    reserved    than    my    mother    had   been    in    life    (    not    half    as    conversational    ),    but    the    tender     regard    in    blue    eyes    held    me    suspended    in    an    arid    light    of    familiarity.    watching    her,    having    her    nearby,    was   as   calming    as    it    was    suffocating.    i’m    an    idiot.    i’m    insane.    i    clear    my    throat.               ❛❛   i  read  your  story.  ❜❜          skimmed.    fiction    didn’t    cater    to    me    the    way    it    used    to.    she    doesn’t    react    in    a    way    i    know    how    to    respond    to.    veronica    regards    me    with    a    polite    smile    &    calls    it    a    day.    dumbass    i    am,    i    clumsily    canter    on,    tripping    over    my    own    voice.        ❛❛  does  it  bother  your  parents  that  you  write  stuff  like  that  ?  ❜❜   @bleuebird​

[promptfairy]

❥     𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐀 𝐒𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐀𝐌𝐀 ,   𝐒𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐀𝐌𝐀   (   𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟎   )    [   𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚁𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚂    ]   .

sentence starters inspired by various lyrics from the songs of rina sawayama’s   sawayama !!   some lyrics have been slightly modified to be more usable .  change gendered language   &   add context to your needs .  happy roleplaying !!♡

“   i’m  losing  myself  in  the  darkness  of  the  world .   ” “   saving  myself  is  all  i  really  know .   ” “   the  pain  in  my  veins  is  hereditary .   ” “   i’m  gonna  take  the  throne  this  time .   ” “   i  know  you  risked  everything .   ” “   i  want  it  all ,   don’t  have  to  choose .   ” “   the  heart  wants  what  it  wants ,   what  can  i  do ?   ” “   i’m  the  baddest ,   &   i’m  worth  it .   ” “   give  me  just  a  little  bit  more .   ” “   i  don’t  want  to  hear  ‘ no ’ .   ” “   all  that’s  left  is  immaterial .   ” “   the  price  we  paid  is  unbelievable .   ” “   i’m  taking  in  as  much  as  i  can  hold .   ” “   where  did  it  go  awry ?   ” “   all  this  time ,   heaven  was  in  our  eyes .   ” “   i  want  more ,   more ,   more ,   more ,   more .   ” “   it’s  too  late ,   you  already  left .   ” “   you’re  preaching  even  though  i’m  dead .   ” “   how  come  you  don’t  expect  me  to  get  mad  when  i’m  angry ?   ” “   i  know  i’m  not  the  only  one .   ” “   how  come  you  don’t  respect  me ?   ” “   shut  the  fuck  up .   ” “   have  you  ever  thought  about  taping  your  big  mouth  shut ?   ” “   i’ve  been  through  more  friends  than  i  can  count  on  my  fingertips .   ” “   how  come  you  don’t  detest  me ?   ” “   excuse  my  ego .   ” “   every  time  you  see  me ,   it’s  like  winning  big  in  reno .   ” “   don’t  fuck  with  me ,   hoe .   ” “   you  should  never  be  ashamed  to  have  it  all .   ” “   it’s  gonna  be  okay .   ” “   you’ve  come  a  long  way .   ” “   i’ll  make  you  a  believer .   ” “   i’m  so  confident  .   ” “   flew  here  to  escape ,   but  i  feel  the  same .   ” “   sucks  to  be  me .   ” “   don’t  look  at  me .   ” “   i  bruise  easily .   ” “   i’m  a  sucker ,   so  i  suffer .   ” “   i’m  just  like  my  mother .   ” “   i’m  just  like  my  father .   ” “   i  guess  i’ll  be  sad  forever   &   ever .   ” “   i’m  just  a  kid ,   so  save  it .   ” “   i  went   &   messed  up  again .   ” “   i  went  against  everything  you  said .   ” “   isn’t  life  so  beautiful ?   ” “   i  bet  you  think  i’m  terrible .   ” “   if  you  can’t  love  yourself ,   how  are  you  going to  love  somebody  else ?   ” “   every  day ,   i  want  to  start  over .   ” “   you  can’t  fix  me .   ” “   i’m  a  bad  friend .   ” “   don’t  ask  me  where  i’ve  been .   ” “   sometimes ,   i  can  only  see  the  bad  side  of  life .   ” “   i  went  with  the  lie  until  it  was  true .   ” “   i  can’t  forgive  you  like  i  did  before .   ” “   who’s  gonna  save  you  now ?   ” “   i  wish  you  well ,   but  go  take  it  somewhere  else .   ” “   people  don’t  know  what  they’re  taking  until  it’s  gone .   ” “   you  got  that  something  that  everyone  wants .   ” “   you  got  that  movie  star  glow .   ” “   they  don’t  know  you  like  i  know  you .   ” “   i  just  want  your  love  all  to  myself .   ” “   tell  me  your  story   &   i’ll  tell  you  mine .   ” “   take  your  time ,   we’ve  got  all  night .   ” “   fuck  them ,   if  they  don’t  know  what  you’re  made  of .   ” “   i  guess  i’m  just  happy .   ”

[shinji--moon-deactivated2017123]

collector of small and meaningful objects (with no inherent use other than to make the heart glow a little softer)

[quotespile]

I was surprised, as always, by how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.

Jack Kerouac, On the Road (via quotespile)

[gohldfincha]

i’m going to add some tgf muses to my multi at some point (boris, hobie, maybe kitsey and tom) so if u see me. writing w/ myself a Lot no u don’t

[gohldfincha]

“ Miles, when standing full length, came to hover a head over my own, and when sitting seemed inexplicably longer - slouched and heavy with the burden of exceptional breeding. More often than not, he was amiable. At other times, his sour moods expelled me from all thought and left me to hole myself up in given quarters with Popper and the few books borrowed from Hobie’s personal collection.  I felt unextraordinary beside him. Had I inherited my mother’s high cheekbones or the arresting quality of her overall nature, I might have been able to keep what little self confidence I held when saddled with his company. Despite his paleness, there was a shine from within that would have pulled attention without the thoroughbred molding of his features. He was gifted with dark, imploring eyes and the full lips of the pouting stars in the posters magnetized to KT’s locker. It didn’t seem to matter that he was startlingly thin, or that his sweaters were moth - bitten and seemingly older than their bearer, all eyes fell on him in enchantment and left me feeling feminine in my newfound insecurities “

-theo’s description of @quandare

[gohldfincha]

. * ›   “i don’t know a thing about you. you might as well have sprung full-grown out of the head of zeus.”       signed,  @goodfelow​

WAS  I  MEANT  TO  COME  ARMED  WITH  A  RESUME  ?    theodore    muses    in   personal   agitation,    the    clean    khaki    of    his    pants    freshly    astounding    (    eyes    eagerly    distracted    from    neil’s    open,    earnest    face    ).    if    he    was    meant    to    take    this    offered    stage    &    hock    off    bullet    points    of    himself    ---    it    would    be    a    hard    pass.                 ❛❛  do  you  usually  know  a  lot  about  people  you  just  met  ?  ❜❜          do    you    expect    me    to    know    a    damn    thing    about    you    ?    migraine    douses    his    mood    in    foul    tension    twice    over.    too    much    liquor.    an    unlucky    hand.    it’s    difficult    to    precisely    pinpoint    the    source,    but    he    knows    miserable    mood    is    not    (  entirely  )    the    fault    of    neil    perry.            ❛❛  i  mean   ...   i  could  say  the  same  about  you.  ❜❜

[bookstofilms]

“…if a painting really works down in your heart and changes the way you see, and think, and feel, you don’t think, ‘oh, I love this picture because it’s universal.’ ‘I love this painting because it speaks to all mankind.’ That’s not the reason anyone loves a piece of art. It’s a secret whisper from an alleyway. Psst, you. Hey kid. Yes you.”

The Goldfinch directed by John Crowley based on the 2013 novel by Donna Tartt

[gohldfincha]

theo idealizes the past and gets drunk on nostalgia an unhealthy amount. obviously a lot of this involves the ‘Before’ but his relationship with boris as an adult shows that, too. and his complete loss of that idealization of boris that comes after his attempt is an important step toward theo letting go of things and trying to act like theo and boris keep in touch is unfair to theo’s growth.

[gohldfincha]

theo is a good and decent person, at the end of the day. he makes bad choices and he stumbles and he struggles but he is overall a generous, loving, and thoughtful person. if his outward altruism is exaggerated for his own peace of mind, that still shows the inward leaning toward good n i really don’t care what he has to say on the matter

[gohldfincha]

*        url muse playlist:   create a playlist that encompasses your muse using only the letters of your url.  ( multi-muse — specify which muse(s) each song makes you think of. )  repost, do not reblog.

G      ghost  //  neutral  milk  hotel O      old  friend  //  mitski   H      heaven  or  las  vegas  //  the  cocteau  twins L       the  louvre  //  lorde D       diary  of  a  young  man  //  television  personalities  F       five  years  //  david  bowie I         i  always  wanna  die  (  sometimes  )  //  the  1975 N       new  dawn  fades  //  joy  division C       comfortably  numb  //  pink  floyd H       heroin  //  the  velvet  underground

tagged by: @borispavsky tagging: x

[gohldfincha]

james hobart is the only stability theo decker has known since his mother died hobie loves him unconditionally and has always treated him with kindness and consideration and theo has felt like a burden every day he’s lived w/ him and his actions working at hobart & blackwell were a misguided attempt to repay the kindness he does not feel he deserves 

[magneticpins]

theo & hobie in the goldfinch

[gohldfincha]

i think the argument that theo got off w/o consequence is stupid bc 1. i don’t personally feel that theo’s actions re: the painting are Deserving of punishment but also 2. he was miserable for 13 years and riddled with guilt and anxiety over having that painting and i feel like everything he dealt with between the death of his mother and the end of his stay in amsterdam are more than enough

[gohldfincha]

“ Miles, when standing full length, came to hover a head over my own, and when sitting seemed inexplicably longer - slouched and heavy with the burden of exceptional breeding. More often than not, he was amiable. At other times, his sour moods expelled me from all thought and left me to hole myself up in given quarters with Popper and the few books borrowed from Hobie’s personal collection.  I felt unextraordinary beside him. Had I inherited my mother’s high cheekbones or the arresting quality of her overall nature, I might have been able to keep what little self confidence I held when saddled with his company. Despite his paleness, there was a shine from within that would have pulled attention without the thoroughbred molding of his features. He was gifted with dark, imploring eyes and the full lips of the pouting stars in the posters magnetized to KT’s locker. It didn’t seem to matter that he was startlingly thin, or that his sweaters were moth - bitten and seemingly older than their bearer, all eyes fell on him in enchantment and left me feeling feminine in my newfound insecurities “

-theo’s description of @quandare