Live, Laugh, Love? In this economy?

Side Blog : NY 🌈 Girls ⚢ 30+

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Sometimes I feel like crying but my Daily Distraction Schedule™ is pretty tight at all times. As tight as what? I shan't say...

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She's not really an X, she's more like a Y. As in why the fuck did I start investing my time and energy into her in the first place?

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Begging men not to fall in love with me while I'm physically and mentally on my knees for women at all times is the whole ass bisexual female experience I swear to God.

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Who out here doing The Most and getting The Least from the people they care about? Surely not I?

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I don't think people appreciate just how much Worse™ I can be when it comes to being so affection starved I wanna claw out of my skin about it every waking moment of my life while trying to function as an adult and I think that's so brave of me to keep it all in despite it all.

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That mid girl with the zero note personal posts and a compulsive need to overshare is your soulmate, btw. Did you know?

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Googling the loneliness epidemic among women in the 30+ range who struggle with establishing long lasting friendships with other women because they're too busy prioritizing their romantic relationships and fleeting situationships over platonic connections.

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I'm so sorry kitten, mommy is busy obsessing about what once was and will never be again.

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What's not meant for me will keep persistently showing up when I'm at my most vulnerable and unloved self and it's my job to continue to shoo it away to leave room for the things truly meant to bless my otherwise baka life.

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Fear of rejection looks more like scrolling through my messages to respond back to friends / family I've neglected in hopes that it'll shift the One Message to that One Person far enough down that I forget that I'm waiting for their reply back.

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Girl, help! I think the loneliness in me recognizes the loneliness in you. We should do something about that...

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Need me a freak that'll cup my face in both of their gentle hands and tell me that everything will be okay and to stop beating myself up about past mistakes (I compulsively repeat) and constantly worrying about the endless abyss of neverending "what if's" about the unknown future (I can't control) because holy fuck...

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The compulsive need to rewind a wlw p*rn for the sake of The Plot™ because why the fuck is that girl knuckles deep inside her and why is that girl drowning between her thighs already? Bring back lingering stares and awkward tension. God damn savages.

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All the things she said...? Running thru My Head...? It's more likely than you'd think. This! Is! Not! Enough!

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Quit telling yourself you're "hard to love" because the people you're attracted to won't return your affections. When you start feeling at peace with the person you are on your own the right people who DESERVE to be in your life gravitate to you and you'll be blessed with the choice to love those people back.

And while I'm at it, quit telling yourself that you need to "love yourself first before you love someone else" because honestly the people that remind us that we deserve to love ourselves most are the same people who find beauty in the place we take for granted. You are not an island and you deserve to accept love even when you're not ready to love yourself (just yet).

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Being asked whether I had fallen in love with you or the idea of you told me everything there was to know about you.

Between the lines of the question was your admission that people in your past had repetitively glorified a version of you that they projected onto you. But it also told me that you refuse to conform to anyone's expectations and you want and need someone to accept who you are now and who you could become in the future.

And I remember smiling and thinking to myself that your question was the entire reason I knew I had fallen in love with you. You were and always will be the unapologetic you that only accepted the people who will give every version of themselves (messy or not) to you because that's the gift you're willing to give people you deem worthy yourself. Completely transparent and vulnerable reciprocated effort is anything I had ever hoped and dreamed about with you.

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Me, tears in my eyes with the back of my hand on my forehead as I gracefully fall backwards into my comfy couch / bed: I forgot I'm the love of my own fucking life. What the actual fuck! Fuck these dumbass hoes.