No listen. The very concept of sambucky is honestly so fucking wild.
I mean. Imagine you're driving captain fucking America and his tiny angry ginger friend somewhere when some metallic hobo goes absolutely Apeshit on your one (1) car.
then tries to kill all three of you. and he rips your fucking wheel out. and destroys your fucking windows. Maybe makes it explode too idk. Your insurance doesn't cover bastard terminators.
And then to make things better!!! you CAN'T EVEN KILL HIM. OR IDK PUT HIM IN BAD SOLDIER PRISON?? BECAUSE YOUR MESSY, MESSY BRO REALISES THE ASSASSIN IS HIS LONG LOST BOYFRIEND???? WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD??? HMM WHAT.
and THEN your dumb blonde himbo who you perhaps have a slight crush on just LETS his murder husband go because he's stupid and gay like that, and murderboy goes into hiding for like. 2 years. You develop a deep hatred for him and his stupid face.
You are now broke. But it's ok you have avenger privileges now.
You miss your car nonetheless.
Oh but then the fuckimg GOVERNMENT gets involved in your love life for some dumbshit reason and YOUR STUPID PET HIMBO TELLS YOU THAT THE ASSHAT WHO MADE YOU BUY A NEW FUCKIN CAR (IN THIS ECONOMY???) NEEDS SAVING AGAIN. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IN THE HELL. WHAT TH- anyway fuck him and his plums and his greasy unwashed-for-70smthn-years hair.
You don't know what Steve sees in him.
I mean, at least now you're free to hate him for reasons that aren't sheer homealousy (homosexual Jealousy). So there's that.
You won't move your seat up for him because you still have your dignity. You try not to stare at his face in the rearview mirror and you fail.
but wait it gets better!!!! You're all FUCKING WAR CRIMINALS NOW and you've gotta move to WAKANDA which is actually a Hella cool place BUT STILL. And oh no assassinface here actually looks really cute in wakandan clothing. It's not him though. it's the clothes. You are sure of that.
Your feelings are confusing. You tolerate him now but that's it. The fact that your heart does kickflips when he smiles means nothing.
You convince yourself that it beats faster when he's around because of sheer rage.
Then some big ass ugly purple grape pulls some weird shit but whatever it's nbd he's an inconvenience at best. The Real villain here is your STUPID GOLDEN RETRIEVER BROFLAKE WHO??? WENT BACK IN TIME FOR VINTAGE PUSSY??? WHAT IN THE GODDAMN-
Plus he left his raccoon soulmate absolutely Heartbroken but it's ok because you're hear to pick up the pieces. Wipe his tears. Give him a hug or two. Or eighty seven. (no homo)
after that you both resolve to get over his raisin ass because you have each other. F is for friends who support each other and would take a bullet for each other and cook for each other and confide in each other in the middle of the night about the demons that plague them. You are both friends. You don't know how it happened but you like it.
But you also sort of don't like it. Your feelings are being confusing again. But that's a problem for another day, you're about to catch a movie and then get dinner with him. This is not a date.
You wear your best jeans anyway.
The two of you move in together (oh my god you're roommates). Missions suddenly become a lot more scarier because you don't want him getting hurt. He screamed at you for an hour once when you took down a shooter while you were unarmed.
U is for Unresolved Sexual Tension. Also Sharon is there.
One day. After staying up all night, just talking about stuff you don't even remember. And Yearning.
you wake up and realise you're just. Really fucking gay for him.
And he is too?? So that works. You get married eventually and adopt 8 kids and a dog. N is for Nuclear Family But Make It Giant.
And all this started because he rammed his fist through your windshield.
(he still hasn't paid for your fucking car)
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