Dearest void,

If I write long enough to the void, will it write back!?

[ryebreadgf]

[achillesinhighheels]

sorry i never replied. everyday is blending together and i'm losing sense of time

[goodnightdearestvoid]

sorry i never replied everyday is blending together and i’m losing sense of time

[frodo-of-the-nine-fingers]

childhood friends to complete strangers

[goodnightdearestvoid]

Yet I dream of you more than before

[kosmogrl]

[fairycosmos]

i hate the constant trying i hate the constant trying i hate the constant trying i hate the constant trying

[uncertainlys]

ever since i was a little girl i knew i didnt have a competitive spirit

[dafancyuhinspiration]

[goodnightdearestvoid]

*Cries while being strategic*

[mournfulroses]

Virginia Woolf, from a journal entry featured in The Early Diaries of Virginia Woolf

[goodnightdearestvoid]

Every minute of my 25th year I hear hozier saying

‘I need to be youthfully felt ‘cause, God, I never felt so young’

And the deep desire to be young and in love and be alive burns stronger than ever as I waste my youthful days on the all the ordinary things.

[goodnightdearestvoid]

I want to cry🥲

[goodnightdearestvoid]

Dear Void,

It is true that most of the time I’m trying to drown my problems instead of working on them? Binge eating watching listening I don’t know..

As I gobbled down the sweet my mum sent I realized what I really want ..is love..

Tiny thunderclaps in my chest..

The thought of standing in front of bunch of students to give the presentation gives me anxiety and causes shortness of breath..

I can’t live as if this is the last.. it would be nice to have someone to sit by my side..

Empty mind is devil’s workshop..

What should I do?

Love,

S

[goodnightdearestvoid]

I had a dream. I was reading a post made by an old friend. They had said how I have disappeared from their life and didn’t even care enough to ask about them in difficult times. My name was red underlined..

My carefully suppressed guilt deeply hidden inside manifested into this.. I feel guilty for leaving them behind.. i felt terrible in that dream.. a feeling i had pushed down by convincing myself through logic and reason.. emotionally they were my friend.. now I don’t know how to talk to them.. so the silence and the distance.. it’s like a version of me was friends with a version of them. I don’t know who these people are.. so that’s how friends turn into strangers? What do I do with all the memories?

[goodnightdearestvoid]

Today at three different times I started a sentence (maybe at a wrong time?) and stopped mid sentence after realizing no one is interested in listening.. a quick scan around the room and ability to over analyze every thing shuts me up..

At the end, no matter how much I convince myself against it .. it does feels like it’s all my fault.

How can I just wait for a miracle to change my social abilities?

How can I expect people to take the effort of making me feel involved?

It’s my insecurities.. and even the people close to me won’t do it.. keep a thought to accommodate me and my insecurities

But I feel weirdly positive.. it will be okay✨

[goodnightdearestvoid]

Dearest Void,

Even though I am at an age where my mum had my sister and my sister was newly married, I think of marriage as a very far off thing. I am still a kid.. according to my parents. But that doesn’t stop me from desiring about a companion. But I do feel, I need to grow a bit (Maybe a lot) before I share a life with someone. Maybe a lot of growing up before that. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering.. about marriage and children. When it comes to children, I always tell myself .. the desire to want them will be based on how much I love my significant other. It all depends on ‘the one’. But it doesn’t stop me from imagining scenarios at slightest prospect. A hopeless romantic painting pictures after every interaction. How silly!

I haven’t learned how to take care of myself yet. How to love myself.. how to fulfill my needs.. when my cup is full that’s when I pour.. so it’s hard to imagine myself as a mother.. but when I hear a good name I think if I like it enough to name my future daughter or son. So I do have a name.. I wonder if my significant other would like it.. I wonder if I will be able to share it with someone in near future.. and ask to keep it as secret until the birth of our children. Even thinking of all this seems weird..

The other day I was scrolling on instagram and I came across a video of a mother and daughter. I couldn’t stop adoring the daughter.. I thought to myself.. if I have a daughter she might look like this.. dark brown eyes, big smiles, thick eyebrows and raven hair. If I have a daughter, I want her to look like this.. I couldn’t stop adoring her.. she was absolutely adorable..

The next day my friend from undergrad sent me the same video with a message ‘The girl reminded me of you’

So it seems I do want a child.. in near future.. when I have grown into a wonderful, charming, confident, compassionate, intelligent, elegant, independent, loving women.. I would like to have a family of my own.

It still sounds weird to me right now..

[goodnightdearestvoid]

Three is a crowd.

And you lurk somewhere in the background wondering about your existence. And if an alien life form decides to abduct the eighth chair on the dining table, it would be a long time until someone realizes you are gone. You smile and nod and let the pity not get to your pride. You wonder if you have any pride? You wonder why it still feels like the unwanted member invited out of pity when the invitation mentioned your name specifically. I laughed at right times, and smiled for the rest. Only answering when asked and nodding for the rest. And looked around the table and nursed the pain of social awkwardness. Probably, cry yourself to sleep wondering if you can be someone else for a change. Trying to remember a time when you met someone who actually liked you. Trying to erase all the memories where people have tried to avoid you and your awkwardness. The pain continues. How do I get out of this labyrinth of misfit pain?

How do I show how much it hurts to be me? How painful it is to watch people comfortably interacting while you are in knee deep anxiety?

How do I get out of this?

[goodnightdearestvoid]

Dear void,

The thunderclap. The lightning. The twist and turning air. How do I think what I feel? How do I reason with all of this? It’s a tangled mess and I swallow it whole.. I drown it all with videos.. and I know it’s not the best mechanism to cope but what do I do with this feeling? Where do I go? To whom?

To myself.

I will be alright✨

Everything will be alright💫

[goodnightdearestvoid]

Thank you thank youuuuuuu✨✨✨