I know the ending was heart-breaking and I understand Aziraphale's reasoning, but I'm so glad that Crowley never wavers in his contempt for both heaven and hell. He knows where he's not wanted and he refuses to be "redeemed" by the institutions that caused him so much trauma and pain in the first place. It's refreshing.
This scene was absolutely beautiful BUT itâs also the crux of the issue. You guys this is where the problems start. Becauseâbecause Crowleyâs already cast out, he finds COMFORT in the idea that they are lonely together. âAs far as he canâ becoming âas far as they canâ is an END to his complete âothernessâ and something to appreciate, to covet, and to find solace in. Heâs finally not alone.
Butâand this is important.
Aziraphale does NOT feel that. He canât.
This moment is completely and utterly devastating for Zira. He finds out heâs not damned and sure, heâs relieved. But heâs no longer âan Angelâ in the way that heâs learned is right. Heâs now unchangeably and forever; less holyâa concept that is dearly important to his identity. â[Going] along with heaven as far as he canâ is a FAILING on his part. Not heavenâs(at least to him). There is no solace or comfortâhe finds existence like thatâjust the two of themâachingly LONELY. And thatâs just how his perspective demands to be taken. Itâs the only perspective he is capable of in that moment AND after it, too.
Take into account Crowley has went from having no one AT ALL to having SOMEONE. And he puts EVERYTHING he has into it. This is not good. Itâs unfair to Aziraphale. And itâs unfair to himself. On the opposite side, you have Aziraphale. Who has just went from having the ENTIRE HEAVENLY HOST, to having this SINGLE demonâ who, one minute ago, Aziraphale thought would be dragging him off to hell.
And the part that aches is that this perspective hasnât changed. Aziraphale feels like his existence is lacking because he wants so badly to be GOOD. And good is Holy. Good is heavenly. Heâs the problem for having morals that are misaligned.
Spoilers for the last episode:
Aziraphale has just been given the validation that he is not only GOOD but the most HEAVENLY Angel there is, the Supreme Archangel, even. And if heavens morals are now HIS morals, then thatâs EVERY PROBLEM SOLVED. With a bow even, because Crowleyâs basically on heavens side anyway, heâs GOOD, isnât he? Heâs been good this whole time, so why wouldnât heaven want him back? Reinstating him as Angel would fix everything. They can be together, and they can be good, and they can be HOLY. All Aziraphaleâs conflicting emotions about loving Crowley can be packed away because Crowley will be perfect againâand surely Crowley wants to be perfectâwants to be forgiven.(sorry everyone, that hurt me too, oof) Aziraphale is SHOCKED by Crowleyâs refusal. Heâs devastated that his version of perfect is treated as something naive and distasteful.
Crowleyâs devastated too. Heâs just lost âtheir sideâ. A concept that for 5000+ years has been THE ONLY THING he puts love into besides his car and perhaps his plants(And humanity, but heâll never admit to thatâIâm looking at the âNo more dyingâ scene). Crowley is constantly being devastated by Aziraphale. Heâs âtoo fastâ, heâs too evil, heâs too good sometimes. Crowley has always been TOO MUCH. But this is different because for four years, heâs had âthemâ(on their own side) without the hiding, and without the denial and without Aziraphale constantly putting former jobs between them. PLUS he has a mountain of trauma centered around the concept of âforgivenessâ, so thatâs not great considering Aziraphaleâs last words to him(THAT HE HASNT SAID ALL SEASON EVEN WHEN HE MADE CROWLEY APOLOGIZE IN THE FIRST EPISODE, AHHHHH). Heâs losing everything and heâs desperate: Why isnât he enough, hasnât he been enough these last 4 years? Hasnât HE been enough the last 6000?
Aziraphale has always been enough for Crowley. But being enough for Crowley doesnât fix how Aziraphale has never been enough for himself, not since Job. He looks at this offer as a chance for HIM to be enough, and for Crowley to be FORGIVEN. Crowley looks at it as a betrayal because itâs Aziraphale saying Crowley ISNT enough, and he NEVER has been.
But thatâs not what Aziraphale is saying. Heâs saying, âLet me fix it for youâ. Crowley is hearing, âLet me fix you for it.â Two completely different and completely horrifying concepts.
And then Crowley needs to say HIS piece(oh my gosh, btw, this was heartbreaking).
âLetâs be together on our termsâ is basically what Iâve distilled it down to. But Aziraphale hears, âLetâs run away from our problemsâ
Aziraphale doesnât want to run away, and Crowley doesnât want to change who he is.
They both want to be together so badly but they donât understand why they each want it so differently. And Aziraphale canât compromise because heâs brainwashed and LOATHES himself. And Crowley canât compromise because heâs traumatized and LOVES Aziraphale just as he is. Crowley doesnât want to be good on heavens terms. He can see Heaven for what it is; âtoxicâ. He hates heaven not only for what the Host did to him, but for HOW THEY TREATED Aziraphale.
They both donât understand each other because for all the pleading and presenting and monologuing, they never once in that whole conversation, actually talked.
in season 3 every time aziraphale and crowley see each other crowley is going to be wearing his sunglasses and then finally aziraphale is going to gently take them off for him hold his face in his hands and kiss him and I am going to die :))))
As someone who loves to enjoy and absorb my favorite media, Neil Gaiman wrote a beautiful season with amazing actors who portrayed that scene wonderfully. As someone who is gay and sad, I want to key his car.
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