So my partner and I have been together almost two years, and we both suffer from anxiety, BPD, and a handful of other mental illnesses, and hereâs some things that help us out immensely.
communication is key. Tell your partner if youâre having a bad day. Listen when your partner says theyâre having a bad day. Itâs easier to be careful with someone when you know theyâre already having a bad day. I canât stress this enough - communication is always important in relationships; but itâs doubly so when one or both of you has a mental illness. You have to trust your partner to be able to be honest with you about what theyâre feeling and how their illness is affecting them, and you need to be honest with them, too.
ask questions. If your partner is struggling, asking them questions to help you understand how to help them can be good. Remember that âI donât knowâ is a valid answer, and it is one that you can also give.
be reminders for each other. It can be super hard to remember to do simple things for yourself; it can be easier to remember to remind your partner to do them. My partner reminds me about medication, food, etc., and I do the same for him - it helps a lot.
use safewords. And I donât mean in the kinky sense. My partner and I have a series of words that mean different things, because sometimes it can be hard to say âIâm swingingâ or âIâm having a panic attackâ or âthis subject is upsetting me for x y zâ reason. Itâs easier to say one syllable - âswingâ for rapidly cycling emotions, âcountâ for panic attacks (so one of us can count breaths for the other). We have words that mean âdrop this subject nowâ and words that mean âplease donât touch meâ. We also have hand signals for days when one or both of us are nonverbal, and we revert to texting on those days.
be willing to give each other space. Â But donât necessarily go far. If you need your space, tell your partner; if your partner needs their space, make sure they can still access you.Â
acknowledge each otherâs illness. Donât pretend it isnât there. Ignoring it doesnât make it go away. Acknowledge that theyâre there, acknowledge that sometimes they may come in conflict with each other, and learn how to take a step back when it becomes a problem.
call each other out. If your partner is repeatedly doing things that are detrimental to themselves/your relationship/you, call them on it. Donât do it in an asshole way - just sit down with them and be like âhey, youâve been doing this thing that is really sucky lately, and it needs to stop.â Likewise, listen when youâre being called out. Itâs really easy to get stuck in shitty loops when your brain is sick, and sometimes you donât know what youâre doing âtil someone points it out. This hurts! And it sucks! But itâs part of acknowledging your illnesses. It doesnât do any good to let bad habits continue, even if thereâs a reason theyâre happening.
learn to forgive. When youâve both got brain issues going on, itâs inevitable that people are going to say things they donât mean, and that is going to hurt. The important thing is being able to recognize when youâve messed up and apologize sincerely, and accept it when your partner apologizes.
These are just some things that work for us. Add to the list if you can and I hope this helps.
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