Genderqueer Survival Guide for Daily Life

PLEASE READ LINKS BEFORE ASKING QUESTIONS!!

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionnaire Entry

Q: How old are you? (for reference)

A: 19

Q: How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective.

A: Genderqueer to me is an umbrella term which applies to anything that deviates from the male-female gender binary.

Q: How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain.

A: I identify as genderfluid, as well as bigender.

Q: How long have you identified that way/how long have you known?

A. I've known that I had gender issues since I was around 8, but I only started identifying as genderfluid 3 months ago, when I found out about non-binary identities.

Q: If you are out, how accepting have your friends been?

A: I have come out to a few friends at college, those who I have come out to all been accepting. It probably helps that 80% of the friends I came out to are queer/LGBT. My girlfriend knows as well and she's been nothing but supportive and accepting. If I have friends who aren't okay with my gender, I have no problem cutting them out of my life.

Q: If you are out, how accepting has your family been?

A: I have only come out to my sister. She has been very supportive. Nobody else in my family knows, and I don't think they would take it well.

Q: If either group is not accepting, how do you cope?

A: I cope by either avoiding the issue, talking to queer friends, or going on Tumblr.

Q: What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis?

A: I struggle with deciding whether or not I want to come out. I often ask my self "Should I come out and be happy but make my life harder or should I stay in the closet and be miserable but make my life easier?" I also struggle with gender fluctuations. When I feel male and present male I feel okay, but when I feel female and present male I feel uncomfortable. This fluctuation has also caused a lot of doubt in the past, which clouded the validity of my feelings.

Q: How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity?

A: I would want to be perceived as the gender I feel inside. In a completely ideal world I would be a shapeshifter, but currently cross-dressing is the closet I can get to that ideal. I would want people to be chill about my identity and treat me like a normal human being.

Q: What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them?

A: He/they pronouns for male days. She/they pronouns for female days. They/them pronouns are fine any time. I don't really have a preference for pronouns, its not a huge concern for me.

Q: How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously?

A: Currently, I present masculinely as I am not out to the world yet. I have started acting a little more feminine, but most people still read me as a cisgender male.

Q. Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender?

A. I started using Tumblr, and I attend an on-campus gender support group. 

Q: Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender?

A: I have started wearing nail polish, and shaving my armpits, but otherwise not presenting overtly femme.

Q: Is buying clothing a difficult process for you?

A: Difficult? Not entirely. Awkward? Yes, especially when people stare at me as I browse the women's section, or when I have try stuff on or check out. I am also "plus sized" in women's clothes, so it limits my selection quite a bit. I also have Asperger's syndrome, which causes me to be sensitive to the textures of some fabrics. Thrift stores can be annoying, especially when they don't put their clothes in order of size. This year, my university did a trans* clothing drive, where they had people donate clothes and the clothes were set out for trans* people to take for free. I got a few nice items that way, and my university will be doing another one of these next quarter.

Q: How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it?

A: I get dysphoric sometimes. I cope by cross dressing, but living in the dorms gives me little privacy to do so. I also have a pair of breastforms for when I present as female, and I also tuck.

Q: What questions do you frequently get asked?

A: The most common question I get asked when I come out to people is "What pronouns do you use?". This is one of the perks of attending a LGBT-friendly diverse college.  

Q: And what answers do you usually give?

A: I tell them that I have no preference for pronouns, and to go with whatever they are comfortable with.

Q: What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person?

A: Be yourself. Stand up for yourself. Be around supportive people. Get involved in your local LGBT community. Many college campuses and high schools have Queer student organizations and you don't have to necessarily out yourself to be involved. If there are no clubs, find meetup groups or if you can, start your own. You are never alone.

Q: What advice would you give to someone who is questioning?

A: Be open minded to new ideas, identities, and pronouns. There are a lot of genders out there. Nonbinary.org and Gender Wiki are good resources for finding your identity. Also, you are allowed to change your mind. If you choose one identity, and later find that another one fits you better, you can identify that way too.

Lastly

Q: Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous?

A: Yes you may post it on this blog.

[gqsurvivalguide]

questionaire

Questionairre Submission

How old are you? (for reference)

20

How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective.

I think genderqueer is a general term for anyone who feels like their sense of self doesn’t fit into the gender-binary view of society.  It’s a description for anyone who doesn’t identify as just a man or just a woman.  Like any label, it’s all up to the individual whether or not they want to use this word to describe themself and what exactly they mean when they use it though.

How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain.

I just define my gender as genderqueer.  I identify somewhere between a man/boy and a woman/girl.  Sometimes I feel more like I don’t really have a gender and I am just me, and sometimes I feel a more strong sense of gender identity.  I also still feel like I am still figuring things out, so I am hesitant to put too much of a label on it at this point.

How long have you identified that way/how long have you known?

I’ve always felt like there was something “wrong” with me, but now I know at least part of that is related to my gender identity and now I have a name for what it is that feels off.  I’ve actually identified as genderqueer for about a year now.

If you are out, how accepting have your friends been?

I’m not really out.  I’ve stated it in round-about ways and I feel like some people, especially queer people, sort of know.  Making the big changes to my physical presentation has been the closest thing I’ve done to “coming out”, and for the most part, my friends have been very accepting.  I have got a couple comments like “I wasn’t sure about your haircut at first, but now I’ve gotten used to it,” and quite a few people have just had really neutral reactions, but none of my friends have been assholes about it.

If you are out, how accepting has your family been?

I haven’t discussed it with my family.  They have also been less supportive of the changes in my physical appearance, although my family is honestly sort of hesitant about change in general.  They’ve made some sort of shitty cheerful comments about my haircut and clothes, but mostly I know they just don’t understand so we have started just not talking about it.  I know my family isn’t going to disown me or anything, and they will always love me and support me no matter what.  I just worry they won’t be able to understand and/or support and love this part of me, which is still tough.

If either group is not accepting, how do you cope?

I’ve been slightly more distant with my family than I’ve been in the past, which makes me really sad.  For coping in general, I go to counseling and also just try to let myself feel my emotions and not make too much meaning out of people’s little comments and my own negative thoughts.  I write poetry and journal sometimes, and often I’ve been turning to the internet to make me feel less lonely.  I want to stop spending as much time online, but it is helpful in that I can at least know there are other genderqueer people struggling and surviving out there.

What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis?

Bathrooms are the main thing probably.  At college, there are quite a few gender-neutral bathrooms scattered around campus, but many of them are in out-of-the-way inconvenient locations and often I just decide it’s not worth it.  I hardly ever use the men’s 1. Because I’ve heard too many stories of people getting beat up and harrassed in men’s bathrooms, and 2. When I’m in a familiar location I don’t want to run into someone I know in the men’s bathroom and then feel like I have to explain myself.  I’ve had very few problems at the women’s at college, but a few times people have done a double-take or asked if they’re in the wrong bathroom, and that’s just awkward.

At home, it’s even worse, because there are very very few ungendered bathrooms anywhere.  I avoid using public bathrooms as much as possible- this has involved somewhat reducing my water intake and peeing alongside the road rather than stop at gas stations.  However, I still use women’s restrooms quite a bit and just try to be stealthy and get in and out as quickly as possible.

I hate the situation where someone else gets uncomfortable or confused about my gender in public, because I am never sure what to say to them.  I’m also super afraid of people “he/him/sir”ing me in front of my family.

How do you want to be perceived? In an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity?

In an ideal world, gender identity wouldn’t be an automatic assumption and it would be much less of a big deal.  I guess I want people to perceive me as an androgynous/genderqueer person, because that’s what I am, but on a base level I mostly want people to just perceive me as a normal person much bigger than my gender identity and gender expression.

What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them?

Any pronouns are fine.  I’ve never really had a problem with she/her/hers, but I also don’t mind the other pronouns and it’s nice to have a little variety.

How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously?

I present myself fairly  androgynously, but I seem to be shifting slowly toward a more masculine expression as far as clothes and hair goes.

Have you made any major non-physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender?

This last year, I’ve been going through a lot of general self-acceptance, and a lot of that was related to my gender.  I’ve started to feel much more comfortable in my own body, much more comfortable in social situations, and I have been less depressed since acknowledging and accepting my gender identity within myself.  I’ve been taking better care of myself as well.

Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender?

I sure have!  I cut my hair from long, always in a ponytail, to just a few inches long, and I’ve been dressing much more “masculinely”.  I actually started wearing pants since I found ones that I feel like myself in.

Is buying clothing a difficult process for you?

In some ways, it’s become easier and in some ways it’s harder.  I actually enjoy getting new clothes now, so that part’s more rewarding.  I often go to Goodwill to clothes shop and that is always at least sort of enjoyable.  However, finding clothes that fit is harder because I only really like men’s shirts but I only fit into men’s small or extra small or sometimes boy’s large or extra-large, and those are all sizes they often don’t stock.  Also, men’s pants are usually too tight around the waist or just super huge, and I hate having to try on so many different clothes before finding the right thing.  Also, gendered changing rooms make me uncomfortable for the same reasons bathrooms do, so that part is hard. I sometimes just guess/hope it will fit, and I have accidentally bought clothes that don’t fit me quite a few times.

How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it?

I actually don’t really experience dysphoria.  I feel pretty comfortable and like myself in my body.

What questions do you frequently get asked?

1.Am I in the wrong bathroom?

2.Is it true that you have pet guinea pigs?

And what answers do you usually give?

1.Nope!

2.Yes!

What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person?

Don’t be too hard on yourself, prioritize whatever would enable your life to be most meaningful to you and take little steps to get there.  Don’t get too caught up in wading through labels or following a specific journey to achieve genderqueer/trans-ness.  Your journey is for you.

What advice would you give to someone who is questioning?

Again, don’t get caught up in wading through labels, and don’t feel pressure to ever “know” or completely understand your gender.  It’s complicated, and sometimes not even important.  Just focus on figuring out what you need in order to feel most like yourself and most fulfilled in life.  Take care of yourself, and don’t be afraid to reach out for help.  Counseling has been great for me.

Lastly

Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous?

Anonymous please!

[gqsurvivalguide]

Non-binary questionnaire

Q: How old are you? (for reference) A: 15 and a half

Q: How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective. A: I see is as not being cis or trans but being in the middle somehow

Q: How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain. A: non-binary (basically gender queer but it describes it better)

Q: How long have you identified that way/how long have you known? A: Well ive know for a while ive just never come to terms with it.

Q: If you are out, how accepting have your friends been? A: im not out yet..

Q: If you are out, how accepting has your family been? A: im not out but my parents are against this kinda thing 100%

Q: If either group is not accepting, how do you cope? A: I dont. I just bottle up everything.

Q: What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis? A: trying to dress how I feel but also being feminine because I am not out.

Q: How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity? A: I would want them to understand and accept me.

Q: What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them? A: I’d prefer they/them but im not out so people use she/her

Q: How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously? A: im not sure how to describe it cause I just wear my school hoodie and jeans all the time. But I wear makeup. So I guess feminine.

Q: Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender? A: no…I want to tho…

Q: Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender? A: no…

Q: Is buying clothing a difficult process for you? A: yes…very much so…

Q: How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it? A: moderately. And I bottle it up.

Q: What questions do you frequently get asked? A: none

Q: And what answers do you usually give? A: none

Q: What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person? A: I would tell them to be who they are no matter what…and to try and come out to as many people as possible when you figure it out because it is almost to late for me…

Q: What advice would you give to someone who is questioning? A: only you can determine who you are…

Q: Can I post this on this blog or do I need to make it anonymous? A: You can post it. It might help me come out. And if you have an instagram account you can do it there as well and tag me.

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionnaire Entry

•How old are you? (for reference) • 21

•How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective. • An umbrella term/identity that covers a wide variety of ways of identifying oneself that don’t belong to the gender binary. It can be a single identity on its own or it can refer to a bunch.

•How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain. •. I generally identify as genderqueer or non-binary.

•How long have you identified that way/how long have you known? • I’ve known and identified this way for a few months now, I can’t remember exactly how long.

•If you are out, how accepting have your friends been? • I am out to my friends. They have mostly been very accepting. A few have a lot of questions as they don’t quite understand but other than that my friends accept it.

•If you are out, how accepting has your family been? • I am not out to my family and I do not plan to be. I do not believe they will be accepting of my identity nor will they grow to understand it.

•If either group is not accepting, how do you cope? • If I feel a friend doesn’t accept who I am I will try to help them understand because most of the time it’s just that they don’t get it. If they are consistently mean or invalidating about it I will try to avoid talking to or seeing them.

•What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis? • My voice: I have such a high pitched voice at times I worry about appearing too feminine. My chest: I want to bind but I’m afraid of side effects. I like my breasts but sometimes I want to not associate with them. Put them in the naughty corner if you will. Not being ‘trans’ enough: so many people misunderstand me for being female, which is understandable, but also attitudes towards non-binary people by other trans people sometimes make me feel a little invalid. Figuring out what it means to be genderqueer: terms aside. I have a lot of trouble with it. Being mistaken for gender fluid: no I’m not having a 'masc day’ I’m just wearing jeans?

•How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity? • I don’t want people to have to worry about what gender I am. I want asking for people’s preferred pronouns to be just a normal thing people do in every day conversations. I want people to treat me with the same respect I treat them. I’m a person, no matter what I look like or how I identify. I don’t feel it should matter.

•What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them? • I prefer they/them pronouns. It has been difficult getting people to use them, partly because I’m afraid to correct people. I was ok with people using she/her pronouns in the beginning because I know how I was with learning pronouns, it was a long process. Anyway. Now I’m tired of people doing it all the time and consider it misgendering.

•How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously? • This is a big issue for me. I don’t exactly know. At the moment I’m happily presenting as female but I don’t want to be misgendered as BEING female and the only way I believe I can do that is by appearing androgynous or masculine. I do not wish to appear masculine at this point in time. Androgyny is hard and confusing for me.

•Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender? • Nope

•Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender? • I have cut my hair short in an attempt to appear more androgynous, i have attempted several different clothing styles to find which I am most comfortable with and so far 'whatever fits and I like’ is the winner.

•Is buying clothing a difficult process for you? • Buying clothing was a difficult process before my gender identity changed because I have such a unique figure. It’s still difficult. Moreso now that I’m hyper aware of gendered clothing and get super confused about how to deal with not fitting the binary of either. Like, do I shop in the men’s section today or do I want a pretty dress?? To be perfectly honest buying men’s clothing intimidates the hell out of me. I basically feel like I’m being judged by all knowing eyes.

•How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it? • At first I wasn’t sure if I did, but now I understand what it is and how I experience it, I believe I do. I don’t experience it often or strongly but when I do it’s a very confusing time for me. I generally experience it around family and other situations when I’m forced into the binary. I handle it by talking to my partner and close friends about it as much as possible, without overwhelming myself or them. I give myself positive mental feedback, I do grounding exercises, I take a nap…. And then oversleep… Whoops.

•What questions do you frequently get asked? • Well the obvious would be what being non binary actually is. But other than that, “why do you dress/act so feminine if you don’t conform to the binary?” Is a common one.

And what answers do you usually give? • I usually explain that I have identified as a cisgender female almost my whole life. It’s partially force of habit but I also love pretty dresses and stuff.

•What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person? • Everyone is different. Someone who identifies as genderqueer may have a completely different experience and world view to you. Accept your differences and see what you can learn from each other. Help each other if you can.

•What advice would you give to someone who is questioning? • Take your time, it’s not a race. You’re not missing out and you’re definitely not a 'special snowflake’.

•Lastly Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous? • You can post this :)

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionnaire Entry

* How old are you? (for reference) * 21

* How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective. * I define it as not completely fitting in on either side of the gender spectrum.

* How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain. * I identify as gender fluid.

* How long have you identified that way/how long have you known? * I have known that something was different since I was 9, but I just recently realized the term for my identity.

* If you are out, how accepting have your friends been? * I’m not exactly out, but I’m not closeted either, my friends accept me as I am.

* If you are out, how accepting has your family been? * I tried coming out to my family as a teen, but my family didn’t accept it and sent me to councilors.

* If either group is not accepting, how do you cope? * I just don’t let it bother me.

* What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis? * Being confident in who I am and not being shy because I’m afraid of how people will react.

* How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity? * Just to accept me as is.

* What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them? * I’m planing on changing my name to a more androgynous one, other wise however I present.

* How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously? * Depends on the day, but typically androgynous or feminine.

* Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender? * No

* Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender? * Cut my hair, bought a binder, and some more masculine clothes.

* Is buying clothing a difficult process for you? * Yes, I’m really petite and that makes sizes hard, also the looks I get in stores.

* How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it? * Somewhat, I used to despise my chest, but over years of trying to be binary I grew to accept it.

* What questions do you frequently get asked?  * If I’m a lesbian, I’m poly.

* And what answers do you usually give? * Not all genetic females with short hair are lesbians.

* What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person? * To accept yourself first.

* What advice would you give to someone who is questioning? * To be patient and don’t be afraid to experiment.

Lastly * Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous? * Yes you can post it, without it being anonymous.

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionaire

How old are you? (for reference)

15

How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective.

I personally don’t understand gender separation because gender is a spectrum, how do we decide when tomboy turns into gender neutral?

How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain.

How long have you identified that way/how long have you known?

When I was little I always wondered what it would be like to be a boy. I haven’t worn my hair down since fifth grade and I wasn’t really sure why until about a month ago. I always knew something was different about me but I didn’t know how to put words to it. So for the past month I’ve been researching different gender labels (because like most humans I am obsessed with defining myself) and about a week ago I decided that genderfluid is the closest to how I feel. I’m really new to this but yes, I’m sure about it.

If you are out, how accepting have your friends been?

I’m not out to my friends yet but I’m planning on doing it soon. I’m really nervous though, one of my friends is very religious and might not take it well. Wish me luck!

If you are out, how accepting has your family been?

I’m not out to my parents yet but I don’t think my mom is going to take it well when I tell her.

If either group is not accepting, how do you cope?

I don’t really care how they react, it’s my body and my life so they can just piss off if they’ve got a problem with it.

What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis?

Chest dysphoria, clothes/shopping, my name, pronouns. Also I have long hair which causes a problem on my masculine days so I usually tie it back. I’m afraid to ask my mom if I can cut it because I’m pretty sure she would say no.

How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity?

I want to be perceived as androgynous and not have people react at all, just accept me as I am.

What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them?

I’m not out yet but once I am I’d like people to use they/them pronouns.

How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously?

Right now I present as sort of tomboy-ish but I’d like to become more androgynous.

Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender?

No.

Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender?

No but I’d like to.

Is buying clothing a difficult process for you?

Yes, very, because I usually go with my mom and J can’t buy the things I want to with her there.

How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it?

I experience moderate to severe dysphoria with my chest/hair. I usually wear my hair in a ponytail which helps. I also bind my chest with an ace bandage (not good for the long term but I just do it for like 10 minutes) and tie up my hair with a hat to make it look like I have short hair. Then I take pictures and look at them on my masculine days when my dysphoria is really bad.

What questions do you frequently get asked?

I’m not out yet.

And what answers do you usually give?

N/a.

What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person?

Well this is what my trans friend has told me (he doesn’t know I’m fluid but this is what she said about her own experience): Come out for you, not anyone else. Do it when you’re ready and you feel confident and comfortable with your identity. Be prepared to answer lots of questions.

What advice would you give to someone who is questioning?

Don’t fight your feelings, allow yourself to feel and accept them. There is a wide spectrum so don’t feel pressured to define yourself as one of those points on the spectrum that people have labeled. It’s okay to be cis and more masculine or feminine, it’s okay to be fluid or trans or whatever else. If you choose to label yourself then choose a label that makes you feel comfortable.

Lastly

Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous?

Anonymous please.

[gqsurvivalguide]

I was wondering if you would be willing to signal boost my new book? Its a fairy tale book, aimed at kids and parents who want to discuss gender fluidity and transness, and has a genderfluid protagonist! i've put it on special offer at the minute, so its literally as cheap as i can make it lol its called "the wild, the wolf, the witch" and its available on amazon kindle, and the kindle app. thank you so much if you do post this, it would mean so much

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionnaire

How old are you? (for reference)

18

How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective.

i guess just anyone who isn’t cis? tbh i’ve never heard the term genderqueer but i guess it’s like the queer umbrella term. there’s multiple genders and you don’t have to always be or ever be one gender or a gender at all!

How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain.

recently i’m exploring my identity as genderfluid. i’ve always used agender because i didn’t think gender applied to me but lately i’ve realized it’s not that i’m not any gender, it’s that my gender changes a lot

How long have you identified that way/how long have you known?

maybe a week or two…i’m still new to it but it feels more comfortable than agender tbh

If you are out, how accepting have your friends been?

my online friends are pretty indifferent, one is very supportive! the only irl best friend i’ve told, who is also nb, said they’re fine with anything i chose but seem to be a little confused…i told them i wanted to be called he/him/his one day and now they’re still using that haha. i’m a little afraid to correct them.

If you are out, how accepting has your family been?

god no i don’t know if i’ll ever tell my family, maybe when i move out

If either group is not accepting, how do you cope?

i know my family would…well i know two people who would try to be accepting but at the same time i know they’d think it was silly and probably do that thing where they make jokes they think are harmless and aren’t.

What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis?

my own validation and level of comfort. everyone at college uses she/her all the time because again, too scared to correct, and my family does the same. i also struggle with feeling valid because a. this is pretty new for me b. i feel like a part of it has to do with my interest being genderfluid and c. i still have cis-passing privilege, mostly ‘cause i’m scared to tell people irl about my identity and alternating pronouns.

How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity?

i just want to be perceived as legitimate and genderfluid. like i want people to understand some days i’m a traditional or nb boy, sometimes a trad or nb girl, sometimes i’m neither. and it’d be nice if there was no stigma then maybe it wouldn’t feel like people are laughing at you secretly or rolling their eyes

What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them?

i like he/him/his, her/hers/she, and they/them/their! um i don’t really try all that hard so it’s not like i can blame others. but yeah even my best friend uses my legal name by accident sometimes

How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously?

it depends on the day! i guess androgynously overall?

Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender?

i’m not really sure what this means?

Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender?

yeah i cut my hair really short and i’m thinking about getting a binder (everyone says i don’t need one because i’m already flat-chested but idk i feel like it could be even flatter). i’ve also resumed my work outs!

Is buying clothing a difficult process for you?

not really. i don’t buy much clothing i just use stuff we already own but i’m hoping to stock up on some more “traditionally masculine” clothing

How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it?

not very strong, which is what makes me wonder if i’m really all that valid. i look in the mirror sometimes and wish i looked more of my gender that day (mostly just wishing for a flatter chest and a more boyish face i guess)

What questions do you frequently get asked?

not many, since barely anyone knows!

And what answers do you usually give?

^^^

What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person?

you are valid! i know i question my own identity a lot but rest assured, you are valid and it’s okay to realize you are or aren’t something. people change!

What advice would you give to someone who is questioning?

pretty much the same advice as above. don’t be afraid to ask questions, look at resources, etc.

Lastly

Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous?

anonymous please

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionnaire Submission

Q - How old are you?

A - 20

Q - How do you personally define what genderqueer is?  In your experience and perspective.

A - Genderqueer is someone who doesn't fit into a specific gender category.  They feel in the middle, as if nothing is black and white.

Q - How do you identify?  For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/undefined.  If other, please explain.

A - Genderfluid, but mainly neutral.

Q - How long have you identified that way/how long have you known?

A - I've known for sure for about four months, although I've had feelings before that I just pushed to the back of my mind.

Q - If you are out, how accepting have your friends been?

A - I've only come out to 2 friends. One is also genderfluid, the other didn't understand at all. He kept telling me that I should just suck it up and act 'normal'.

Q - If you are out, how accepting has your family been?

A - I'm not out to my family yet, but I think my mum has a sort of idea.

Q - If either group is not accepting, how do you cope?

A - Well, when my friend wasn't accepting, I just cut myself off.  I mean, I wouldn't want friends like that anyway.

Q - What are some specific things you struggle with on a daily basis?

A - I get dysphoria a lot.  Sometimes I'll just lay in bed questioning my gender, and confused by the fact over 50% of the time I'm completely neutral.  When I'm having a masculine day, I can never make myself look masculine enough.  My hair seems too long, and I can't afford a binder (although I'm pretty flat chested anyway so a sports bra tends to do the trick).  When I'm having a feminine day I can never find anything I feel comfortable wearing, since my clothes are neutral/masculine.  I don't own many feminine clothes.

Q - How do you want to be perceived?  In an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity?

A - I just wish no one was too concerned about what other people wear and how they act.  I want to be able to go into a shop and buy mens clothes without people giving me dirty looks/questioning me.  

Q -  What pronouns do you prefer?  Is it hard for you to get people to use them?

A - In honesty, I haven't really come out to many people, so my pronouns haven't changed.  It slightly depends on the day, but mainly when I'm feeling neutral, I don't really mind what pronouns are used.

Q - How do you present yourself?  Masculinely, femininely or androgynously?

A - androgynously

Q - Have you made any major non-physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender?

A - I try to be more comfortable with myself now.  My self confidence is getting better, since I now feel I can dress how I want around the house without my mum saying all too much.  And I feel since coming out to my best friend, we've become a lot closer.

Q - Have you made any major changes to you appearance since identifying with your gender?

A - Not yet.  I'm too scared to make major changes, since I haven't come out yet.  I don't want any more awkward questions than I already get.

Q - Is buying clothing a difficult process for you?

A - I get weird looks a lot, and it makes me uncomfortable.  And male clothing is always a bit too big.  But I prefer that to girls clothes which never look neutral enough.  They're always tight/restricting.  The majority of my clothes are masculine/gender neutral.

Q - How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how you do handle it?

A - Quite strongly on some days.  When I'm feeling particularly in one gender, none of my clothes feel quite right.  It takes forever for me to feel comfortable going anywhere.

Q - What questions do you frequently get asked?

A - Why don't you dress up nice like your sister?

You're not good at this whole 'girl' thing are you? (referring to make up and stuff)

Why do you want to get muscle?  That's a guy thing.

Do you OWN girls clothes?

Q - And what answers do you usually give?

A - Just because I'm not wearing a dress doesn't mean I don't look nice.

Just because I have a vagina doesn't instantly make me a make up god.

Doesn't warrant a reply.

Also doesn't warrant a reply.

Q - What advice would you give a fellow genderqueer person?

A - Don't worry too much about what others think of you.  Do what feels right for you.  If others have a problem, then they aren't as important in your life as you thought they were.  And don't worry if you have days where you feel that you don't fit into any category, because it doesn't matter if you're in a category as long as your happy with the way you look.  Screw the rest of the world.

Q - What advice would you give to someone who is questioning?

A - Take some time and think.  Don't rush into labeling yourself.  Try talking to a friend or family member who you trust.

Q - Can I post this on this blog, or do I need to make it anonymous?

A - Yeah sure, post it.  I thought I'd come out online first and see how people react before coming out to my friends and family.

[gqsurvivalguide]

Hi! To the anon asking about switching between three genders (male, female and agender). I switch between three genders and choose to identify as genderqueer or genderfluid myself. It is totally possible and normal to switch between three or more genders! Sending lots of love to you and I hope I helped! <3

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionaire

Q: How old are you? 

A: 18

Q: How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective.

A: That's a hard question to answer, and I'm still trying to find the words to explain it to my friends, family and anyone else who asks. I guess the most effective way I have to describe it right now is just constantly being in a state of flux, and not really having a solid identity. In my experience anyway, it seems like cis people (and even a lot of trans people) are very solid and adamant in their identity. It's something that they feel in their bones that says distinctly "I am a woman" or "I am a man." I find I don't have that. Some days I feel more like a woman, some days I feel more like a man, most days I feel more like a combination, or neither. 

Q: How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain.

A: Currently I just identify as genderqueer.

Q: How long have you identified that way/how long have you known?

A: Looking back, I've kind of always known. I'd often try and hide it to fit in and to try and relate better to other people, but it's only been in the past two years that I've started identifying as genderqueer.

Q: If you are out, how accepting have your friends been?

A: They're all pretty chill with it, although most of them have a lack of understanding about it. Which is fine. It's not a big deal.

Q: If you are out, how accepting has your family been?

A: They don't believe that genderqueer is a thing. They're just kind of like "You're you, you've always been you. You're a girl, you've always been a girl," which is annoying if it does happen to come up, but it rarely comes up. Again, it's not a big deal for me.

Q: If either group is not accepting, how do you cope?

A: They're all chill with it, so.

Q: What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis?

A: Mainly it's "accepting my femininity." My mother is really into the "sacred power of the feminine energy" and stuff like that. Which works for her and her friends, and that's fine, but I have a hard time getting her to realize that it doesn't work for me, and has in the past caused a lot of depression and frustration because it doesn't work for me. It still bothers me sometimes, it's this feeling of being a really crappy woman, like "I should use my intuitive senses more," and "I should accept my inner goddess and the gift of being able to bring forth life" and stuff like that. It's probably an uncommon issue to have, at least in the sense that it's presented to me, but it's a thing. The most annoying part about it though is probably having no one to talk to when it bothers me.

Q: How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity?

A: That's a good question! And one that I haven't really though about. My ideal self, the way I've always ideally wanted to present myself to people is strong, and fluid and able to take on a challenge. As far as the reactions people have to me...I guess I'd just like people to not make assumptions based off of how I look. I'm kind of short and thin and have very effeminate features, and I'd like people to for once look past that.

Q: What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them?

A: I don't have any preference, and usually end up defaulting to she/her pronouns because I'm biologically female. I just try and make things as simple as possible.

Q: How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously?

A: Androgynously, most of the time. I wear pretty androdynous to masculine clothing most days, although I really like keeping my hair long and shiny and healthy. If I have to dress up to go somewhere though, I present more femininely, partially out of habit, and partially because I look damn fine in a dress.

Q: Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender?

A: Not really. 

Q: Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender?

A: No

Q: Is buying clothing a difficult process for you?

A: Only because I don't really like shopping. And also the never ending decision between men's jeans and women's jeans. Do I want my butt to look good? Or do I want pockets? The struggle is too real.

Q: How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it?

A: Quite rarely. Usually, I'm pretty chill with my body. Occasionally though, it bothers me that I'm not bigger and stronger, and that I have a very feminine figure. A few specific people have told me before that I'm wasting my body because I wear men's clothes a lot, and that I have a figure most girls would kill for. Sometimes I just kind of wish there was a donation box for all the things that I'm apparently "not using correctly," so that I could give my body to someone who would enjoy it and wear pretty dresses and things, and in exchange I could take one that would put on muscle easier. It's silly, and childish, but...

Q: What questions do you frequently get asked? 

A: "Why can't you just pick one?"

Q: And what answers do you usually give?

A: "Because that's not how it works..."

Q: What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person?

A: It's not just you! Really, we exist, we're out here. Your identity is valid, no matter what other people might say. Sometimes people are stupid and say stupid things, and sometimes it's best to accept that and move on. However if people are repeatedly stupid, or mean, or otherwise making you feel negative about yourself, you should consider ridding your life of them if you can.

Q: What advice would you give to someone who is questioning?

A: The most important thing is that you are happy, and in the end that's all that matters. Questioning your gender is a scary place to be, especially if you don't have any supportive people around you, but it's not the end of the world. Definitely try and find people who won't judge you that you can just ramble your feels off to, or find a place online where you can do that if people aren't available.

Lastly Q: Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous?

A: You may post this on this blog

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionnaire Entry

(By the way, sorry if I make grammar mistakes. English is not my native language.)

Q: How old are you? (for reference)

A: 20 years old

Q: How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective.

A:  Genderqueer is a term for people who are out of the box of the gender binary norms, and/or people who don't identify as a girl or a boy.

Q: How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain.

A: I identify as a trans non-binary, feminine presenting and gender non-conforming. 

Q:How long have you identified that way/how long have you known?

A: I’ve used this term for 2 years.

Q: If you are out, how accepting have your friends been?

A: I am designated male at birth and I am out as a pansexual. They are accepting but I am not out to all my friends, only to my closest friends. 

Q: If you are out, how accepting has your family been?

A: i'm not out to my family yet. My family is very conservative and I don't feel safe telling them. I have to hide it. One time I went to the hair salon and cut my hair in a more feminine way, when I got home my mom freaks out a little bit and told me to change my hair because I was living under her roof and stuff, in the end a change my hair again. Until i am independent and feel safe telling my identity to them i will not make a big move for now.    

Q: If either group is not accepting, how do you cope?

A: If they don't accept me well... just move on and be with other people who support me for who I am. I love myself and I am proud of who I am.

Q:What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis?

A: Gender identity dysphoria, the  fact that a I have to hide a part of my identity is very uneasy. My clothes are almost all ‘masculine’, so wearing ‘feminine’ clothes is difficult. I usually wear jeans and a shirt.

Q: How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity?

A: I want to be perceived as a person who express most of the time feminine. I want to present myself as feminine in traits like mannerisms, physique, voice, facial structure, and clothes. Maybe i will take HRT but I'm not sure if i want it. 

Q: What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them?

A: I prefer she/her pronouns. But it dependes, if someone called me a “he”when I dress more masculine than feminine I wouldn’t mind that either.

Q: How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously?

A: I’m trying to present more feminine, but right now it’s more masculine because my family situation.

Q: Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender?

A: Not really, except for when I behave in a more feminine way than masculine, but I don’t know if this is noticeable. 

Q:Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender?

A: No, I just make minor changes in my appearence for a short time. Like I said, if i try to do a major change, with my family around, it probably ends very bad.     

Q:Is buying clothing a difficult process for you?

A: yes, its very difficult, i feel very uncomfortable when people keep staring at me just for looking some dresses or girl clothes. 

Q:How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it?

A: I felt intense body dysphoria when i was younger (like 8 or 10) but now is less intense than before,  because I’m accepting my physical body. It’s mainly just my style/appearance and my behaviour that changes. And i have very close friends i can talk to when i feel dysphoric or down. Also this song helps me a lot https://youtu.be/vYoapICIfeE   

Q: What questions do you frequently get asked? 

A: Nobody asks honestly. I actually wish people I’m close to would ask more so I can talk about my identity more, it would help me.

Q: And what answers do you usually give?

A: N/A

Q: What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person?

A: Be proud of yourself. You're a wonderful and kind person, Don’t let anyone else’s opinion stop you from bieng who you are. Be brave.   

Q: What advice would you give to someone who is questioning?

A: Explore yourself and be safe. Surround yourself with people who support you. Don’t let anyone else’s opinion stop you from finding yourself. Life is too short to be anything you are not. 

Lastly

Q:Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous?

A: Yes, you can post this on your blog.

[gqsurvivalguide]

PLEASE READ IT BEFORE ASKING QUESTIONS, THANK YOU!!!!!!

- Mod Jun

[gqsurvivalguide]

In regards to “Am I this?” for gender and sexuality

We personally, cannot give you a full fledged answer. The most we can do is offer stories regarding our own experiences, and link you to articles found online. What we can say, mostly me, Jun (I’m the one writing this post), is that your masculine/feminine traits do not dictate/determine your gender. It is not exactly WHAT you are, but WHO you are. If you feel detachment from your assigned gender at birth, then chances are you might have a different identity. And it’s COMPLETELY OKAY TO CHANGE PRONOUNS AND IDENTITIES. YOU ARE EXPLORING. Take me for example. I’ve gone from non-binary, to transboy, to agender, BACK TO TRANSBOY and now I figured out I’m a demiboy. Though now I kinda don’t really care as long as people don’t misgender me, and gender my actions. Going from detachment, if you in any way feel that you are not in the right body, Google is your friend! I can’t stress enough to look up articles and read wiki pages. Of course you can ask for help on here, but we can’t exactly tell you if you’re this or that. You need to ask that within yourself. Do what makes you comfortable, and I know it’s difficult because a lot of people aren’t accepting, even with ones in our own communities. But they cannot tell you who you are. They do not define you. YOU DO. This applies to both gender and sexuality. Now, as for the latter, experiment. Go kiss girls, date boys, explore (and if you want to get sexual, please use protection! That goes without saying, but y’know)! Sexuality is fluid and you can change preferences the more you discover what you like and don’t like. Most people, especially the older generation do not understand that life is a journey and that you are ALWAYS doing to change. You are ALWAYS developing. Even if you don’t seem like it, it is definitely happening. I know I’m probably jumping back and forth here, but I would also like to address that gender and sexuality don’t have an appearance, especially gender. As a person of color, I will say in my opinion that the former poster children for the LGBTQIA+ community, especially in regards to trans people, were thin white people. This is not the case, as we all come in many different forms. You can’t tell what someone is, just ask. That’s all you need to do, and if not, then it’s none of your business. Plain and simple. A lot of these things are flexible and subjective. There is no direct answer, and it’s a matter of how you feel, and what your experiences are. Back then I was in the closet. Then I figured I was bi, then had my, “Am I a lesbian?” crisis once a year until I realized pansexuality was a thing, and then my questioning gender happened. At this point I don’t even care about my sexuality. I know what my preferences are, and I know that she/her makes me upset. So I am what I am, and that’s that. Not to say I don’t struggle with my gender, because I still do. We all have our bad days and it might not seem like it gets better, but trust me it does. You just need to find a good support group. It doesn’t have to be large, a group of five people, or even just one, can be more than enough. You are also not alone, as there’s tons more people like you out there, here, on this blog, tumblr, twitter, Facebook, the whole internet. Trust me, we’re here. We exist. The goal is to be comfortable with who you are. And it’s okay to experiment. I don’t want people telling us that we shouldn’t experiment and go out and discover. The point of living is doing introspection/self-discovery and understanding who we are. It’s not just about being happy, but to learn and experience shit. I can’t stress this enough. But that’s where I’m going to end this little tangent. If you have any comments to add, feel free to do so. Questions, comments, concerns? We’ll be more than happy to ask, but I’m not sure if I’ll answer questions asking me who/what you are, because this post is basically my answer to that. Thanks for reading!

- Mod Jun

[gqsurvivalguide]

Sorry for the inactivity! I’m going to try and deal with some of these messages. They’re going to be in the queue, so don’t forget that.

- Mod Jun

[gqsurvivalguide]

I’m a 4th year Fashion Business student at the Caledonian University in Scotland and I am currently in the middle of doing a dissertation regarding gender identity within the fashion industry and the relevance of gender marketing in today’s society. I was wondering if you would be ok with posting a link to my survey? I am trying to find out peoples experiences and opinions of the extremely gendered fashion industry. It only takes a few minutes and is completely anonymous. Thanks 

http://goo.gl/forms/p5j0QGtJ9E

[gqsurvivalguide]

Questionnaire Entry

How old are you? (for reference)

16

How you personally define what genderqueer is? In your experience and perspective.

Genderqueer for me means your gender identity isn’t as black and white as being Cis or trans

How do you identify? For example, are you, agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid, neutrois, genderqueer or label less/Undefined. If Other please explain.

I identify as genderfluid

How long have you identified that way/how long have you known?

I’ve been confused about my gender for two or three years, but about half a year ago I figured it out

If you are out, how accepting have your friends been?

I’m not. But I know for sure a lot of them would take the piss out of it.

If you are out, how accepting has your family been?

I’m not

If either group is not accepting, how do you cope?

I ignore them. It doesn’t really work.

What are some specific things that you struggle with on a daily basis?

Looking the way I want to, especially when I’m a guy.

I hate my chest. I’m dfab so it’s bound (ha djigeddit) to annoy me regularly, but because of my age and not being out to my family I can’t get a binder. I really really want one though. I’d also like more masculine clothing. I have a couple of men’s tshirts but again with my chest it just doesn’t seem to work.

How do you want to be perceived? in an ideal world what are the reactions you want people to have to you and your identity?

I’d like to be able to pass well enough that people just know when I’m whatever gender I am. I wouldn’t want to have to clarify.

What pronouns do you prefer? Is it hard for you to get people to use them?

I’d like he/him when male and she/her when female as I’d like two names. But I don’t even know where to start with asking people.

How do you present yourself? Masculinely, femininely or androgynously?

It depends on who I am. My hair is fairly androgynous and I’m quite invested in androgynous shoes. But other than that it depends. I don’t wear makeup when I’m a guy but I only wear a little when I’m a girl.

Have you made any major non physical changes in your life since identifying with your gender?

No, I don’t think so.

Have you made any major changes to your appearance since identifying with your gender?

Slowly cut my hair shorter and shorter.

Is buying clothing a difficult process for you?

Yes. Always has been.

How strongly, if at all, do you experience dysphoria, and how do you handle it?

When I first figured myself out I was ok with female pronouns and presenting female because I didn’t have dysphoria. But I think I’ve developed it. I just get really self conscious I guess and feel generally shit about myself.

What questions do you frequently get asked?

When I was a kid other kids used to ask me if I was a boy or a girl. And while I really wanted to be a boy it made me so happy. I told them girl but honestly. Deliriously happy. Now it’s only happened recently up at my sports club where I have to wear a lot of clothing and a helmet when a man told his kid to “and sk the nice boy where to put xyz” but I had to correct him in case someone I knew heard.

And what answers do you usually give?

N/a

What advice would you give to a fellow genderqueer person?

Fuck you’re you everyone else can suck it.

What advice would you give to someone who is questioning?

Don’t get too caught up in terms.

Lastly Can i post this on this blog or do i need make it anonymous? Anon please