Graham's Road

My day-to-day transition blog Diary Top Surgery Muscle mass Hair growth Asks Start T: September 23rd, 2013 Double Mastectomy: November 20th, 2014

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Nebido not available?

A friend of my partner just contacted a Dutch FTM group about his health insurance telling him than Nebido will not be available from 1st of april. I already saw a post from a person from Scotland stating the same.

Are there other people on here that use Nebido and got word of this? I’ll visit the local apothecary tomorrow and call my own health insurance and ask them what this is all about and what will be offered as a substitute (in the Netherlands, gel or Sustanon). As soon as there are some answers I’ll let you all know!

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hey handsome I just wanna tell you that you look amazing<3

Thank you :) I must say that you are a very radiant person yourself :D

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you're very attractive and ily *heart eye emoji*

Thank you anon ^^

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And this is my really tired face two years and one week on testosterone :)

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Holy cow aka long overdue update

Hey ya'll! Long time no see! I just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive and I'm really sorry for the messages that have been sitting in my inbox for so long. I hope to answer them tomorrow! I'm doing really well and had some crazy exciting adventures since my last post. Last July I graduated from college and spend a lovely quiet holiday at home in preperation for a huge challenge. I'm a very new university of applied science student! In August I started with my Archaeology degree and I'm very happy to say that I'm doing very well. Beforehand I was very anxious about starting and being able to keep up with learning, but as it turns out this is one of the best experiences of my life so far. It's challenging and very demanding, yet so much more rewarding than all my previous schools. Being open about my gay relationship is something I'm still getting used to. I'm still stealth about being trans towards my classmates though. It's hard to decide whether I want to be out or not. For now only my mentor and the team leader know and it feels good. They both reacted really supportive and asked me if I would become a 'spokesperson' if I would decide to come out. It's just great to really be perceived as masculine. Not just in this moment, but from start to finish. I never want to experience the amount of dysphoria I did at my last school. My dysphoria is hardly noticeable most days, even without packing. I'm living with so much more passion than ever before. It is easier to express my femininity too. There is this bright fire burning inside of me and I'm learning how to properly maintain and feed it. I really hope I can find the time to be more active on my blog and keep in touch with all you lovely people. Hope you are all doing well! Love Graham

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Can you believe this? I had another appointment at the gender clinic this afternoon to see the endocrinologist and I literally had to travel three hours for 10 minutes worth of talking. And I need to do this every 6 months just to keep them happy so they’ll prescribe hormones. If I don’t, they can refuse. I’m furious about how things have been going for the last four years at that place. I’m not even gonna go into details about how they kept me off T for over three months for no reason at all, but it’s insane that the VUMC genderclinic has such a monopoly over gendercare in the Netherlands and just screw you over if they feel the need to. I thought care was about being there for the clients, making sure they are alright, not causes more dysphoria and pain. My previous endo actually forced me to take my packer out of my undies for some measurements which she didn’t even do correctly. Sod off! I’m not even allowed to do my bloodtests in my hometown because I can’t go to Amsterdam alone to get in done. They couldn’t give a rats ass if I faint in public transport, as long as they get their money. It’s all about the fucking money. Screw them, screw their fucking horrible mentality. I feel bad for all the people still having to go there, but I’m gonna mail my GP and see if he’s okay with prescribing my hormones directly. What a bunch off bullshit. I rather pay for a hysterectomy myself than continue in that craphole.

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Another big step has been taken! I enrolled at a University for Applied Science  and I’m hoping with all that I am that I’ll get in. Archeology... I want this so bad and now that I’m feeling at ease with myself, I think there is no better time to start. The future is looking a lot brighter yet again!

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Hey, Graham, I’m starting T in less than a week and I’m going to be using Nebido. I don’t know if you’re still on it, but I was wondering if you could share some of your experience with it? Simple stuff such as when did you first start noticing changes and how long did it take until you started passing considerably? I’ve been looking everywhere and it’s been a little hard to find info. Thank you so much for your time and help!

Hey Anon, first off congrats on almost starting your HRT! So exciting!

I’m still on Nebido! I get a shot every 12 weeks and I’m very happy about it. I did use Sustanon for the first 5 months, so it’s hard to say what you can expect with Nebido. I already passed quite well before starting T, but I felt very confindent  when I grew more facial hair and had a lower voice after four months. It all really depends on your genes and body. My voice started dropping after two weeks, my body however took months to show some differences. Just keep in mind that your first injection is going to be an anti-climax. Nobody will see any differences during those first days. You might feel some changes on emotional level though!

The best thing about Nebido is the long span of it. Sustanon can give you a big peek of testosterone on the first days, but also very low on the last days. It felt like I was having PMS every two weeks. These days I hardly notice my mood being different during the last week, and it stays very even during those 12 weeks. That is the biggest plus for me. I don’t feel extremely angry, pumped and sad. It’s more like a laid back journey. 

asks

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Do you ever wonder why you’re alive and what this whole life means to yourself and the world? Who you want to be, or striving to become?

These questions have been in my mind for as long as I can remember. I thought transitioning would give an answer to the lot of them or at the very least made it easier to grasp it. It never did. I never ever had the idea that I could decide the direction I was going but I’ve been in a better state of mind to look forward. I woulndn’t know where I’d be without the love and care I had from family and friends, but I learned that in the end it’s me who has to walk the walk. Why am I unhappy? Why ain’t I taking action to take care of myself? Why do I punish myself over and over again? Why do I see myself as less than every other person I know, whether I know them personally of not? Why do I spend hours behind the computer to engulf myself with all the things I want to own and be without turning away and take action?

I’ve been really busy with this for a while now. It always bothers me that I can’t rely on my head and heart because they’re so changeable. Even on my good days there is this small dark corner in me that will show up unannounced. I was glad to notice that since top surgery, I felt a lot better about myself and my body. My hips, lack of strength and emotional state are still bothering me, but they are somewhat dulled. The moment I realised this I decided that it would be the perfect time to turn inwards and try to find out who I am and what I want to become in my life.

I’ve been a lot better since. My emotions and self confidence are still up and down, but I’m becoming more of the being that I strive to become. Less lazy, healthier, happier with myself. I decided that I want to get into speech therapy because I’m afraid to speak up and chat because of my slurred speech. My house is getting more organised, and with that my mind too, and I’m nurturing my mind with books and my body with healthier food. The magical thing is that everything just seems to come together to provide me with a new base point to start off from.

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Pre-T - 17 months on Testosterone

Sometimes you forget how life was a while ago.

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Everyone was a beginner once. Stepping up my game.

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Woah, my blog exploded since the last time I was here! Hello new followers, glad to see you here. I hope you find what you're looking for on my blog and if you have any questions, want to say hi  or vent, my ask is wide open (both anon and not)!

Life has been all over the place. It took a while to adjust, but I can say that things are looking up. I gained a shit load of weight and am currently on my highest weight ever. It's hard to compare my body to pictures from half a year ago, because there's a lot less muscle (as if I had any) and more fat. Hair is still sprouting everywhere, vains are more prominent and my strength is growing even though I haven't worked out in months.

My body does feel a lot better. Top surgery spiked my confidence at school and in public and a lot of situations that really spiked my dysphoria are easier to get to. It's amazing, my body is slowly becoming my home.

My scars are getting less red and thick. Only once in a while they hurt a bit but I'm quite sure that's because the nerves are connecting again. I massage my chest twice a day with anti-scarring creme. All the swelling is gone. I'm excited to pick up my path again!

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Aaand once again life is on hold. Grandpa passed away this morning so all my plans and goals for this week are out of the window. I'm not feeling all that sad about it. He had a long, healthy and good life, a lovely wife and four fantastic sons. He enjoyed the attention of my sister and aunts till the very end, such a flirt. I'll miss him, but I'm glad he went without a lot of pain. He was ready for it, he said. The thing that is hardest is that it brings up all the stuff when my dad passed away, especially since they really look alike.

Hence no posts. I'll get to it when everything is arranged. I'm doing okay, just trying to get everything back on track.

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First day of school since November and can I tell you how long and hard it was. Pfff, I had no idea that the anaesthetics could still affect me after almost 7 weeks! 

I'm happy to be doing useful work again though and get all my school stuff sorted. At some point I was doubting everything including me graduating in July.

And I felt so comfortable today in public, yeaah.

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A brand new year. I hope everyone had a good evening or managed to get though it.

2014 has been a very hectic year for me and I'm glad it's over. It took long to get back on my feet after my dad passed away and haven't really been the same since. The positive thing is that I choose to devote myself to enjoy more small things and surrounded myself with positive people and tried to cherish the good things in life.

The year ended with my top surgery and I don't think i have to explain what a liberation it was. I feel so much better and I'm ready to evolve into the next stage of my life.I wish you all the very best for 2015. Pursue your dreams, work hard, love even harder, find your safe place but venture out to challenge yourself, leave behind the negativity and stay humble.

Take care my friends. Lets make this year one to remember!

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You are really flippen handsome.

I doubt I will ever see myself as handsome, but thank you anon :) You are very flattering!

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I look like a proper idiot with all those band aids but I finally found out how to take care of the openings and remaining stitches and wanted to share what is happening to my chest. Someone might find it useful in the future.

First I'd like to say that if you develop holes or wounds in the scar tissue, always contact your surgeon! This is just an explanation of what is happening and by no means a 'how to' post.

In a normal case, disolvable stitches dissolve within a couple of weeks. The scar closes and gets more narrow as the time passes. For me it's a bit different since my body is rejecting the stitches. I tried to draw it so we wouldn't have to look at gross pictures. - Excess collagen forms a clot around the stitch. This prevents it from 'harming the body' but at the same time means that the stitch can't dissolve. - The collagen gets bigger and slowly pushes its way out. The scar tissue opens and the white collagen is clearly visible. There is no sign of the stitch, since it's completely covered in the clot. - The clot has been inside the body so long, that the skin underneath it is already closed. Both the cloth and the stitch have to be gone for the hole to close up again.

In short this is what's happening to me. It doesn't hurt at all, it's just a bit sensitive. Sometimes clear liquid comes out, but that only means that my body is trying to close up the gap.

The surgeon told me to shower twice a day and really put the water beams on the openings. This makes the collagen go stringy (like you have a thread in the hole) and it breaks up. This takes quite some showers to happen! After the clots are gone, you can see the stitch and as long as it all stays moist, it's gone within a matter of days. Patience is key here! As long as my skin doesn't show signs of inflammation I'm all good. Another quicker option was for my surgeon to wriggle out the clots. It speeds up the healing process, but since I have to travel for a while to see her, I can't do this every week.

Now that I've grown used to the feeling and it doesn't freak me out any more, I started to take care of them the best way I could. I use band aids and Betadine (it keeps everything sterile and clean) so everything keeps nice and moist. It still takes the holes a couple of weeks to close up, but it's working!