So, I’ve never really talked about my experiences with Gender Dysphoria before because I’m AMAB and there is this unfortunate view from some who look at those who identify as Non-Binary but were born AMAB negatively.
But heck it, this is my tumblr and I get to post whatever I want on it, I would love to hear the thoughts of others and get some opinions.
Because I have Major Depressive Disorder, my experience with Gender Dysphoria is rather mild, but I have no doubts that it adds to the severely of my depression overall. After all, small things can build up, and if they help build each other, the effects can compound. Like multiplication instead of addition.
For me, I like my face, the shape, the look, I didn’t always like it, but I like it now. However, I hate facial hair. Shaving is something I do so little because of out of it pulls me from myself, but after I’m done, I look at myself in the mirror and see me. When I have facial hair, I don’t see me, I see a stranger. The same stranger when I used to have a buzzcut because I was too afraid to have long hair.
My chest weirds me out sometimes so I often wear shirts instead of tank tops even though I think they are cool and trendy (my opinion). I’m okay with my arms because they long, thin, and don’t have a lot of muscle, but I can’t imagine them being any bigger because I think that would just look weird on me.
I wish my voice was not as deep as it is naturally, though because I’m fairly good at doing voices, I do find myself speaking in a higher tone than I normally do.
There’s also the... other thing. Honestly, not a big fan. If I could enter a Character Customization Screen and choose a Non-Binary option, whatever that would look like, I’d choose that over what I have.
Some might look at all of this and think “Hmm, it sounds like you want to be more of a woman than a man.” but you see, I’ve actually wondered that myself and put some thought into that. My feelings of dysphoria don’t go away when I think about what it would be like if I had the body of a woman. Instead, the exactly same issues arise, just presented in a different way.
I’ve contemplated speaking with my GP about possibly starting some kind of transition process to a more gender neutral appearance, but I’m worried what that might change. Yeah, I know it will change the things I don’t like about myself and probably for the better, but what about the things I do like about myself that I’m okay not changing? What if they change? I guess this thought process could be attributed to my Autistic Self which doesn’t like change, yet the fact that I’d be totally willing to change the parts of myself I don’t like, but keep the parts I do, I feel like is big dysphoria feels? Maybe? I don’t know.
I guess because I had resigned myself to always being in a state of suffering due to depression, I had convinced myself at some point there was no point in changing anything. But the last couple of years have been really good to me. Better than expected, despite the few setbacks here and there. I’ve been on medication for over a year and it’s been helping, a little, but helping nonetheless. I got diagnosed with autism which has provided me with great insight into myself. I have a close group of friends who I’ve been contact with for over three years at this point and I couldn’t be more grateful for them. I’ve cried less. Been a lot calmer. Had fewer breakdowns and meltdowns and tantrums. And it’s only getting better and better.
Maybe it was inevitable I’d reach this point given how good things have been going. That I’d eventually reach the point where I was comfortable with the thought of actually wanting to live more as me more than ever before because now it doesn’t seem so pointless. I’ll give myself some time before making any calls, I doubt I’d be able to get anything done quickly either during a pandemic, but getting the ball rolling might be best done sooner rather than later. After all, I could have done this years ago and never did, I’ve got to make it up to my younger self who didn’t need to suffer.
