hi mi maggie i write gay fanfic about dan and phil and post stuff about them (also /sometimes/ other ships) you may also know me from my other blog www.suckmybac.tumblr.com
Summary; Dan doesn't know what to do when Phil isn't around
Genre: angstish
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It wasn't anything that he had done, he knew that. It wasn't even anything that anyone else had done, these things just tended to happen to him sometimes. He was alone in his dorm, trying to study and it wasn't working. Phil wasn't responding, the last text Dan sent replying to something quirky Phil had sent not even read. It wasn't Phil’s fault, that he had a life and Dan didn’t. That Phil didn’t have the need for validation that Dan did. It was stupid and Dan hated himself for it, but he couldn't stop. And it wasn't like he hadn’t tried to get help, but the last time he got in one of these moods he told his friends, which hadn't turned out to be a good idea. His friend told him that if he continued to get these moments, he should see a doctor. He could have depression. Depression. Dan laughed. Him? There was no way, depression was for the people who were in hospitals, right? He wasn't like that. He was fine. Everyone got in moods like this. Except they didn’t. He had been feeling completely fine earlier in the day, happy even. Gone outside, out to lunch, and not worried about anything. It happened when he was alone. Door closed, no contact with the outside world. He was cold, the AC was running, but he didn't move to cover up. He didn't have the motivation. He was supposed to be doing things but he couldn’t. It just wasn't possible. He didn't even have the motivation to pace around his room. Why should he continue to exist in this world if he couldn’t put anything in to it? Why should he even try to make an effort? Why shouldn't he just end it all n-
“Dan has been wearing his clothes since it happened, the idea of wearing his normal black and dark abandoned for bright yellows, blues, and greens. By now he has stopped asking how, and starting asking why. Why did this have to happen to him?”
or
the one where the one person Dan loved more than anything in the world is no longer in his life and he doesn’t know what to do anymore.
Word count: 807
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Dan paces around the room for the hundredth, maybe thousandth time. The room that is now the only place in the entire flat that still smells like him. That still has his things. The duvet that is so him and the complete opposite of Dan’s. Dan has been wearing his clothes since it happened, the idea of wearing his normal black and dark abandoned for bright yellows, blues, and greens. By now he has stopped asking how, and starting asking why. Why did this have to happen to him? The question is irrational, and Dan knows this. Knows no one could possibly know why this happened to such a wonderful human being who contributed to society and made real lives better. Someone who made Dan’s life better.
Even though his room is where most of his belongings are, everything reminds Dan of him. Whenever he goes into the kitchen he almost instinctively goes to close the cupboards, before noticing there’s no reason. He goes to make two cups of coffee, and pours one down the drain. He watches anime, and has no one to cry with him. No one to make videos with. No one to love.
And that's when Dan decides he's done. He's so fucking done with being sad and he just doesn't want to feel anymore. He's done with living without him and being reminded of him every fucking second of every day because fuck, he was and still is the most important person in Dan's life and no time could change that, the therapists and doctors don’t know how much they meant to each other and the fact that they physically couldn’t be without each other for longer than a week and how Dan will never find anyone else like him and for that reason only, there is no point in continuing breathing. He stopped living the day that reckless driver took away his only source of light.
So he walks. Dan walks to the little bathroom and opens up the medicine cabinet. He knows for a fact that he wouldn’t want Dan to do this. He knows that he would want him to continue living for the fans or for his parents or for himself but he just can’t. He knows it’s selfish but he no longer cares because he can’t do this, not anymore.
Dan finds what he was looking for a decides to do this somewhere different, somewhere that will not disturb the beautiful area that was their shared flat.
Dan walks out the front door and doesn’t lock it.
He makes it to a corner of the street that has barely any light and sits down. The dim streetlight above him is the only illumination he has as he opens up the bottle of pills and pours the entire bottle into his hands, shaking in the cold. It’s what he deserves.
How had it come to this? He had been so happy for once in his life and some worthless drunk had to come and take it all away. Dan blames himself, although he knows it wasn’t his fault. Why couldn’t he have just gone out on the grocery run? Dan knows for a fact that if the roles were reversed, he would be stronger than Dan and he would keep living.
But Dan isn’t him, as much as he has always wished he could be.
His bubbly personality, bright smile, and blue eyes ar-were the polar opposites of Dan’s pessimistic thoughts, crooked smile, and dull brown eyes.
And now Dan is thinking again about how much better it would have been if the car had hit him instead because he just knows that he would have been more calm in this type of situation and he wouldn’t be as weak. If this were a different situation, Dan would’ve wished he would do this for him.
But he doesn’t. His need for his best friend to live and be successful completely overrides his selfish desires. This terrifies Dan.
After taking the pills, he lies down on the hard gravel remembering when they would pass this street absentmindedly, laughing about anything and everything happening in their life at the time.
All Dan wants is to hear his laughter again.
He thinks that if there is a place after death and that place is a heaven, it would be with the one he loved most. He really hopes that there is, no matter how unlikely it is.
As his vision starts to fade and his head goes cloudy, Dan swears he can hear the unmistakable northern accent of his best friend, saying something unintelligible.
Dan reaches out, instinctively, but his hand reaches nothing more than empty air, falling back down moments before he hears something else, this time more clear.
Warnings: deep thoughts (like end of the world), suicidal thoughts, A LOT of cussing
Summary: Dan’s never resting brain gets the best of him when his car radio goes missing and he is alone in the car for four hours. ALSO loosely based off of this prompt from phanfic
Word Count: 1,047
A/N: I might have had an existential crisis while writing this. Sorry if it’s really shitty! (and yes I did listen to car radio on repeat for two hours while writing this)
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“Dammit!” Dan yelled as he looked at the place where his radio normally sat. Who the hell even stole car radios anymore?
Naturally, today was the day he had to drive by himself for four hours. Two fucking hours to pick up a package and then two fucking hours back with only the company of his own mind. Great. Even when he was alone at the flat he wasn’t really alone. He had tumblr, twitter, and all of his friends available with the push of the button. Now he had no music and 15% battery on his phone because who doesn’t count on the built in chargers in cars?
One hour in and Dan had managed to keep his never asleep mind off the subject of the inevitably of death and how humans didn’t matter. From talking to Phil on the phone for thirty minutes about forgetting to add vegan bacon to the shopping list until his phone died to singing all the songs he could possibly remember as loud has his voice would allow he was well versed on keeping his thoughts at bay.
But now his voice was tired and his mind was awake as ever.
The eerie subject of the universe crept up on him, and by the time he noticed it was too late to start singing some muse song.
The never ending aspect of space really got him. How could it be so unknown? How was it possible that something could be never ending? That some day the Earth will explode and no other beings that might exist will even know of the human race and all the havoc and beautiful things created by it. It seemed impossible.
His mind was literally tearing itself apart by the time he got to the store the package was shipped to and somehow managed to park.
His body was numb when he opened the door to the shop and knew what that meant and he also knew that this was not the time for a full on existential crisis.
Shoving his deepest thoughts to the back of his mind, Dan signed a sheet and grabbed his package, wanting to get back to the safety of his own home as soon as possible. He needed to get back to Phil.
Dan opened the car door and sat in the seat. He didn’t move. He was going to die alone and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing anyone could do about it. What was the point of picking up some stupid package if in the end it would explode into thin air just like everything else when the sun exploded or turned into a black abyss sucking everything on the planet into its greedy grasp?
There was no point.
Something made Dan turn on the car and start the journey back home, the sky starting to gradually get darker.
What if it stayed that way? What if during the night a volcano erupted or a meteor hit forcing a cloud of darkness over the Earth, not ever letting up. Plants wouldn’t be able to grow and humans would slowly die off.
Dan sped up the car, the package bumping around aimlessly in the back seat. He should have asked Phil to come with him once he noticed the radio gone. Hell, Phil had even offered to ride along but Dan had denied him, seeing as he had things he needed to do.
Dan passed a sign that warned of an upcoming bridge. How easy it would be for him to turn the wheel, for the car to make him forget about all of the possibilities of the end of the world.
He could pull the steering wheel into the icy water.
He had control over that. He could make the biggest decision that he has power over and end it all right now.
But he doesn’t.
Dan drives over the bridge, going over the speed limit because he’s scared if he goes any slower he’ll end up in the bottom of the river.
After making it over a bridge that seemed to last a lifetime, Dan stopped his car and cried. He cried because his mind was so fucked up and the only way to shut it up was a distraction and there was no distraction and the silence was so empty and full at the same time that Dan wanted to scream.
He was only about ten minutes away from home now and he just had to make it in the front door.
Dan started the car back up, tears still streaming down his face.
His vision was blurry and the streets started to seem as if they were combining but he didn’t care and he was not going to stop again.
Five minutes away from the flat he started audibly crying again, not being able to stop himself. He could just tell the people in the car next to him were staring but he didn’t care because it didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered.
Three minutes away from home Dan could barley make out the street signs and his eyes were burning and he just wanted to be home already.
One minute away from home Dan wasn’t sure what Phil would think of him in this state and started laughing at himself. At how stupid Dan was and how he was so pathetic.
Finally parking the car, Dan stumbled out and ran for the door. He fumbled his key in the lock and finally pressed into the flat, exhausted.
Dan finds Phil on the couch and lets out a sigh of sheer relief he didn’t even know he was holding in.
“Phil.” he breathes.
Phil looks up at Dan as to say hey, but notices the redness around Dan’s eyes and his mouth turned in a frown.
“Dan? What’s wrong?” he asks.
“M-my car radio got stolen.” he says and now that he thinks about it it’s kinda stupid and he feels like such a dork for getting so emotional and letting his mind get the best of him but now Phil is wrapped around him and he is crying again and Phil knows exactly what Dan needs and he realizes that there is a point to life if Phil is with him.
“I said, no one has to know what we do, his hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room”
Or where Dan and Phil blur the lines between friendship, and something more
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“He said lets get out of this town, drive out of the city, away from the crowds”
London was not calm. London was busy and full of cars and nosey people. So when Dan suggested that the two of them take a trip, Phil was not one to object.
He just didn’t expect it to just be the two of them.
“I thought heaven can’t help me now. Nothing lasts forever, but this is going to take me down”
The car ride was not something enjoyable. Dan and Phil had been sharing glances at each other the whole ride to the unknown location.
“He’s so tall, and handsome as hell”
Except, it wasn’t unknown. It was a tiny forest, technically so small you couldn’t really call it a forest, an hour away. A place Dan had once wandered to mid crisis.
“He’s so bad, but he does it so well”
The place they had their first, and last, kiss. The place where Dan stopped talking to Phil for a month other than so called necessary interactions in videos.
“I can see the end as it begins”
It had taken years for the two of them to get back to a place where they could joke and act as they once did before that night, and Phil had promised himself he wouldn’t mess that up. But now Dan was acting weird.
“Say you’ll remember me…”
When they pulled up, Phil looked to Dan to make sure he was alright. They both hadn’t been back since that night, and he had no idea what had gotten into Dan to take them there.
“Red lips and rosy cheeks”
Phil got out of the car, assuming Dan would follow. The frigid winter air hit like a wave the second he closed the door, and Phil started to regret only wearing the thin button up shirt he had happily picked out earlier.
“Say you’ll see me again”
Phil walked over to a large rock and sat down, surveying the area for anything to keep him warm. He really had no idea why Dan would pick this place.
“Even if it’s just in your wildest dreams”
Dan got out of the car, and to Phil, it was a step closer to what they could have been. They could have been something great, something-
Phil’s thoughts were cut off by the sudden change of temperature on his lips, from cold and icy to warm. Dan. Dan was kissing him. Phil didn’t waste any more time. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s neck and pulled him as close as possible, not breaking the kiss.
After what felt like an eternity, Phil was the one to break off the kiss. He looked Dan straight in the eyes in search for any ounce of regret, but he could find none.
“I said, no one has to know what we do”
It continued like this. They never talked about it, but they slept in the same bed and kissed until their lips were numb.
“His hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room”
Soon it became more than just kissing, for that was not enough for the two of them. Shirts were flung off into the darkness and left on the ground for one of them to pick up in the morning, not mentioning how it got there.
“And his voice is a familiar sound, nothing lasts forever, but this is getting good now”
Phil knew he was playing with fire. He knew that someday Dan would freak, and he would almost certainly lose his bestfriend. But he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t let go of this unhealthy bond the two of them had created.
“You see me in hindsight, tangled up with you all night, burning it down”
There was one week where Phil thought it had all come crashing down. Dan wasn’t around the house. He left in the early hours before noon and wouldn’t come back until after Phil was asleep. He’d go to bed without Dan, and wake up the same way. The only evidence of his presence was the dents in the bed next to Phil. But the next week, it was back to the old routine and Phil didn’t dare ask questions.
“Someday when you leave me, I bet these memories follow you around”
He hadn’t meant to let it slip, he really hadn’t. Of course he had known that he loved Dan from the start, but that was not something Dan was supposed to find out. It had forced itself out of Phil after one of their long nights, the two of them huddled together in the dark. Everything happened in the dark. Phil had sighed, and ever so slightly whispered the fatal, “I love you.”
At first he thought Dan hadn’t heard it. But he had. Dan tensed up and breathed in deep, but he didn’t move. Phil thought everything was okay. Until he woke up, and Dan was gone. Not just him, but everything of his. Phil didn’t cry. He went back to sleep, and told himself that when he woke up everything would be back to normal. But he didn’t even know what normal was anymore.
“Say you’ll see me again, even if it’s just pretend.”
Rating: idk maybe R? probably not but it could be triggering
Warnings: Self harm, Suicide (could be triggering)
Notes: I rushed the ending because I was tired oops (and ik it sucks) but I wrote most of this yesterday and the rest today
Word Count: 1.3k exactly hahah
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Dan stared at the daunting metal, sparkling in the light from the nearby window. This was not an uncommon position for Dan, locked in the bathroom alone with only his blade to guide him. No one knew. Not even Phil. He was surprised no one had found out. The black skinny jeans on the hot searing summer days were not just a fashion choice. Dan wasn’t stupid. He never cut his arms. His sleeves would ride up in a video or when he fell asleep on the couch and Phil had to carry him back to his bed.
He couldn’t ever risk that, but he always had wondered what it would feel like. Would there be a different sensation from his thighs and calves? Would it make him feel better about himself? Probably not, but he couldn’t help feeling like he was missing out. Soon, he would do it and it wouldn’t matter if people would see or not. They would most definitely see, when the ambulance came and tried to revive him. He’d make sure that they would fail.
Dan made the split second decision to create the beautiful designs on his arms, a previously blank canvas. Red liquid spilled out of the cuts, creating their own patterns. He couldn’t stop. Before long, both arms were covered in fresh scars, the first of their kind. Dan cleaned up the blood as he heard Phil unlocking the front door, and made sure to pull his sleeves down even farther than usual.
“Hey Dan.” Phil called when Dan walked out of the bathroom.
“H-hey” he said, voice wavering slightly.
Dan walked into the kitchen hoping Phil hadn’t noticed his odd behavior. He hadn’t.
“Want to eat dinner?” Phil asked, holding up a bag of take out he had just picked up and Dan nodded.
This would be the last time he ate with Phil.
Dan and Phil sat down and ate their food, an uncomfortable silence falling over the room.
After dinner, Phil decided it would be a good time for a movie, and Dan decided it would be a good time to leave.
Not just the room.
“I think I’m going to head to bed early.” Dan said, and Phil eyed him suspiciously. “Are you sure? It’s only 9:30.” he said, and Dan nodded, not trusting his voice. “Okay, well goodnight Dan.” he said.
“Goodnight Phil.”
Back in Dan’s room, he pulled out the pills he had been saving up and poured them into his hand. He walked to the back of his closet and pulled out the blade he had stashed earlier, and sat down on his bed. The whole plan was to take the pills, slit his wrists, and fall asleep to never wake back up. Not even leaving a trace of himself behind.
Then he felt bad. All of the time Phil had spent making him happy, he couldn’t just leave him with no explanation.
He put the pills back into the bottle and placed the blade on his duvet. Dan pulled out an old notebook from under his bed and began to write his goodbye letter to the last person that truly mattered in his life.
-
The ink was smeared on the page by Dan’s tears when he finished, and he struggled to muffle his sobs. Even if Phil didn’t love him anymore, it wouldn’t be fun for him to find the body of his head best friend.
Not giving himself anymore time to rethink his decision, Dan opened the pill bottle and poured half into his hand. He grabbed his glass of whiskey and downed the pills. Dan swallowed the rest of the pills dry, and staggered to his bed.
His vision went blurry from the tears as he tried to find the once life saving piece of metal, and he cursed.
“Fucking hell!” Dan yelled, oblivious to the amount of noise he was making.
Phil’s ears picked up the familiar cussing and he started to get concerned. What the hell was Dan doing in there.
Dan found the blade and slashed his wrist in a way that made his vision go white. A scream escaped his lips and he froze, praying to the god he didn’t believe in that Phil hadn’t just heard him.
He heard Phil’s feet start to walk down the hall and Dan started to get up, cursing himself for not locking the door.
He placed his feet on the ground and starting swaying, and fell to the ground. Maybe from the pills, maybe from the blood loss, maybe from both.
It was too late to do anything about the door, so Dan resorted to slicing his wrists as fast as possible without passing out from the pain.
When Phil ran into room, Dan didn’t even have the strength to sit up. He was lying on the floor, blood soaking anything near him.
“Dan!” Phil yelled as he saw the mess.
He ran to Dan’s side and sat him up against his bed.
“Hey Dan, look at me.” he said, using the nearest shirts to tie around Dan’s arms.
Dan’s eyes were hazy, drifting around the room slowly until the finally landed on Phil’s ocean blue eyes.
“P-Phil?” he said, head dropping.
Phil shook Dan, causing him jolt back up.
“Dan, what did you do? What the hell did you do?”
“Something good f-for once.” he slurred.
Phil looked around the room and saw Dan’s empty prescription bottle. Shit. He pulled out his phone and dialed 999, telling the attendant every thing he knew.
She promised help soon, and told him to hang on.
It wasn’t Phil that needed to hang on.
When he got off the line, Phil asked Dan the question he had been dreading. “Why?”
Dan opened his closed hand and pressed the note into Phil’s fingers.
Phil,
I’m sorry that you’ve had to put up with me for the past few years. My inconsistent postings and laziness and cereal hoarding and existential crisis’ and everything iv’e ever done to you. I’m hoping that I can at least do this right. I can end the pain of everyone around me. I’m sorry that I ended our relationship 6 months ago. I thought you’d be happier without me, and you could find someone who doesn’t hate themselves. I heard you cry every night up until a month ago. I hate myself for making you feel pain, and I never want to hurt you again. That’s why i’ve waited so long to do this. I know that you will be devastated when you find me dead, and if there was any way anyone else could discover my body I would make it happen. I don’t know if you will find me tonight, or in the morning but I can assure you when you do, I will be long gone. I will have taken all of my insomnia pills that I have never took, saving them for this occasion. I’m sorry that I never got to say a proper goodbye.
I love you, forever,
Dan.
Phil’s tears were mixing with Dan’s blood and all Phil could think about was how he had to save Dan. He would never forgive himself if he didn’t.
By the time Phil heard the sirens, Dan had almost lost consciousness. His eyes were wild and the blood was soaking threw the layers of clothing on Dan’s arms.
“P-philllll” Dan slurred.
Phil held on as tight as he could to Dan, feeling that if he let go so would Dan.
“Dan? Hey its okay.” he said. “Everything is going to be okay.”
Dan nodded, but he was too far gone.
“I love you Phil.” were the last words able to escape from his lips.
hellooo anyone who is reading this! I have decided to move my writing blog, falsewriting, onto this blog now instead! I just feel like it would be better to have it as a primary blog instead of a side one, and while I don’t have too many fics i figured now would be the best time! I will be reposting everything I have written on that blog on here! hopefully many of my followers on that blog will come over here :)
