They but not Them..

Dear Diary..

[greatobjektsalad]

It's crazy how I just turned 18 a while ago. Little update about me: I'm officially addicted to meth but I'm in a program now, just moved into my first flat with my toddler and I'm doing vocational training to become a social assistant.

Also I got a man and no friends.

[greatobjektsalad]

I wish I was dead

[greatobjektsalad]

I like my own posts because I find them relatable.

[greatobjektsalad]

I am fueld with jealousy.

[greatobjektsalad]

I really enjoy fw the guy who gets me ice cause he's a great guy with a lot of issues but at the same time I wanna get clean and can't while I keep contact. I should delete the nmbr

[greatobjektsalad]

feelings are so big rn idk how to deal with them

[greatobjektsalad]

Today a few things happened...

- officially miscarried my baby

- phoned a friend for a few hours

- realized that I fucked up my life by becoming a teenmum

[greatobjektsalad]

I'm seriously pregnant again but I'm gonna get an abortion cause I got addicted to meth

[greatobjektsalad]

Job interview went well even with zero hours of sleep. Signing the contract next week! A kid ripped of one of my nails but other than that they were all very welcoming in the daycare. (glued it back on but a few gems are missing)

Will be trying meth a second time tomorrow though and I really hope it does something for me.

[greatobjektsalad]

I just had a line of meth and don't really feel anything. It's been almost two hours and I'm pissed because I spend 50€ on something that probably won't get me high even if I try it a second time. Won't take another line today tho bc I have a job interview in the morning..

[greatobjektsalad]

Haven't posted in a while and I guess it's because I'm.. better idk

Also I've been busy with my kid and finishing school ig

[greatobjektsalad]

I hate myself for having this urge and I'm not going to act on it any time soon but I feel the need to cheat on my boyfriend. They are everything and more than I need emotionally, physically I feel very attacked but sexually.. I've never been more displeased.

We've talked about it but they just can't seem to implement my suggestions.

I have needs like most people do but leaving them just because of sex is not what I'm gonna do.

We have a family and I choose love every day

[greatobjektsalad]

When dad still was around every day I wanted him to just find a new family and let me live in piece. Now I miss the way he cherished celebrations like Christmas and new years eve. We used to go out and do fun stuff.

With mum it's just "merry Christmas, what's for dinner?" and I know she tries her best but I'd be happier with a bit more.

[greatobjektsalad]

I just had the worst sex ever. I didn't feel anything that's why he had to jerk himself off AND didn't even finish.

Then we just stopped because it was getting awkward as fuck. Now he's listening to music and eating a banana while I'm close to tears writing this. I'm looking forward to going home in a few hours.

We're together not because of the physical aspect I guess.

[greatobjektsalad]

I have to repeat "do not shake your baby" in my head way to often. I feel bad

[greatobjektsalad]

I did it. I birthed a little human.

I'd birth a thousand humans more without any painkillers if it meant that I could skip the sleepless nights and hellish screaming, wet shirts and deadly stinking nappies.

It's hard and I'm scared.

[greatobjektsalad]

currently at 12 reasons and waking up tomorrow might be enough to make it 13.