sorry it took so long but it’s finally here. ending a story after so much angst is hard. I hope you guys like it!!
panic attack
it had been a week since your fight with Lloyd. since you last saw him really. you’ve never been more worried about him, even if he was gone a long time because of his missions you’ve had never been this long without talking.
for the third time this week, already nervous playing with your fingers, you went to Nya’s room for comfort. you found her fixing an outdated computer. all you had to do was clear your throat a little and she was already patting the bed beside her. you sat down, just staring at your hands without saying anything. how pathetic you felt already asking the same question, knowing the answer but still hopeful that something might change. still looking at your hands, Nya touched your shoulder in comfort.
“you already know the answer y/n. he does this sometimes and we don’t know where he goes.
the first half was true. there was a point when Lloyd went out a lot, too much that the places he went to fight became regular. if three days passed and he wasn’t back, one of the ninja checked up on him and if everything was “relatively” alright they left him alone and waited for him to come home. Kai once tried to bring him home by force and it ended badly for the fire ninja.
Nya didn’t tell you this so that you didn’t feel worse or think that they weren’t helping him. this was his way of coping.
you stayed quiet, still playing with your fingers, not knowing what else to say or do.
…
later that day, the ninja decided to grab a bite at Skylor’s and invited you but you declined the invitation.
“come on, you haven’t left your room in a while.” Cole stated with a concerned look
you only shook your head
“you haven’t talked to us either since Lloyd left-uff” Jay was saying only to being cut off by Nya elbowing his stomach. “leave her alone Jay. she needs some time alone.” she insisted pushing the boys out of the Monastery.
to this, you smiled, if only briefly.
Jay was right, how dependable were you that you felt this way when Lloyd wasn’t around. he went away because of the fight you two had. “because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut and you just had to drive him away. how pathetic are you that you can’t even function without Lloyd!?” at that moment every single thing around you felt too big, too colorful, too… close. you felt a tower of emotions crashing through you, so you grabbed the nearest thing to you and threw it to the wall with a scream. only to realize too late that it was a picture frame of you and Lloyd. you fell to the ground, and cried.
…
two days later, you told yourself that everyone was clueless to your “little” panic attack. Lloyd was nowhere to be seen and the ninja were spending less time at the Monastery due to a small prison break in the city. you had the space to yourself. and that made it worse. you had been abandoned one too many times to know what it felt like, but it had never been this severe. all you could think of was that it was your fault that Lloyd went away and he was never coming back. you felt as if you needed to go from the Monastery, nothing was keeping you there and you felt as more of an intruder than a guest. With one last attempt to bring Lloyd back you sent him a text:
I need you. please.
you couldn’t think of anything else to do, you felt drowned by your own thoughts. and just when you were putting down your phone, it hit you. at first you didn’t even realize what was happening. it comes so fast, it blindsights you, and every little thing feels overwhelming. every thought and feeling makes you want to scream and throw everything to the ground. you felt as though you were trapped in your room and the walls were closing in. you see yourself in a different point of view, fighting with Lloyd again and he’s just walking away. you try to scream to your old self but no sound comes out. you start crying and shaking uncontrollably, and to let out all the tension you push everything in your room to the floor. your desk is a mess, with pens, papers and picture frames on the floor. you can’t stop screaming and crying and that makes it way worse. you just feel as if you can’t breathe and there is nothing that can stop you. to further the spiral, you think of Lloyd and how he would be mortified if he saw you like this. you felt like a failure and disappointment to everyone and everything in life.
and just when you were about to fall, you couldn't take the pressure anymore, someone just grabs you from behind and hugs you as hard as possible. grounding you, bringing you back in the moment. you stay silent for a moment and then keep crying, but of relief. he’s back is all you can think of. feeling his steady breathing against your erratic heartbeat, the smell of pine and perfume from him in contrast to your salty tears was everything you needed to calm down. he’s really back.
Lloyd stayed like that for a while, giving you a chance to let it all out. he couldn’t believe that he put you in this position. he felt like crying right there with you too. after you calmed down, before you could say a single word, Lloyd turns you around and hugs you like there is no tomorrow. then, with one arm supporting your body he tilts your face toward his, with pure concern in his eyes and a few cuts around his face, he starts apologizing but you immediately interrupt him.
“I’m so-“ he tries again
“you can’t leave me like that” you said pushing him away. trying to put a little distance between.
“I know” he said taking a step forward
“you can’t”
“saying I’m sorry doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel y/n” Lloyd takes another step.
“you can’t leave” is all you can manage to say.
“but”
“no! be mad at me, yell at me! but don’t ever leave me again” you belted, your voice breaking… “please”
at this moment all Lloyd could think of was holding you forever. anything to make you feel better. to never put you in this position again. he was scared when he saw your text message, panicked when he heard your screams and broken when he saw you. he was to blame for this whole thing and all you wanted was to still be with him?
so close to you again, after so long and still seeing tears in your eyes, he stepped in the remaining space and kissed you. to say something, being surprised was the least of your emotions, you kissed him back just as eagerly. with the only thing in your mind being that he was here. he didn’t run away when he saw you and this kiss felt more like a promise that was going to be kept. you stopped at the same time to breathe, looking at one another, foreheads touching. “I’m sorry.” Lloyd said again and all you could do at the moment was nod.
later that night, with the ninja still out, you and Lloyd were in the Monastery’s yard watching the stars. Lloyd was telling you of his past horrors, how he tried to keep them in line and that when it becomes to much he just disappears. and he wasn’t the only one with past traumas, you also told him about you abandonment issues and self sabotage actions. you both laid out your hearts that night, with the promise to not let yourselves get in the way. you would talk things through and cry if necessary. but the important thing was that you were together again, until the next big thing came.
I read your agsty Lloyd HC and I loved it if you can do reader x Lloyd but reader has BAD abandonment issues and where Lloyd leaves for days without telling no one reader thinks that Lloyd left her and so reader goes on a rampage destroying everything in her room throwing things screaming breaking down and overall just having a Panik attack and the day Lloyd came back Lloyd walks in into one of reader panick attacks
If you don't feel comfortable doing it you don't have to you can make it any kind of writing you want!
hi!! thank you so so much for this request and that you also liked my head cannons. I hope you like this as much and sorry it took so long! I divided it into two parts so here goes the first one✨💚
panic attack
Lloyd had come to terms with how he dealt with his past trauma. shoving it in, fighting, and disappearing for a bit were realistic choices that he had taken a few more times than normal. but that was ok with him. until you came into the picture. he liked you so much that he couldn’t bear to leave you alone worrying about him. but at the same time, he didn’t trust himself enough by telling you about how his life played out. how destiny had it out for him. and that hurt him a little more, digging a deeper hole for himself.
after a big fight the ninja had, you were there to tend to his wounds and listen to him rant. you could listen to him talk for hours and that still wouldn’t be enough. and yet, when he finished talking, you could still see the know of frustration between his eyes. and that made you worry.
“hey” you said gently moving his face towards yours
“what ya’ thinking of?”
“nothing” he said with heavy eyes
you hummed faking consideration and replied “liar”
he chuckled and stood up, taking you in for a hug
you hugged him back but your worry was still there
“stop trying to distract me golden boy, I need to know if you’re okay.”
his burrowed his head in your neck and said “I’m fine, just overthinking a few things.
“what things?”
pulling out of the hug and with what felt a reluctant sigh Lloyd said “I can’t”
“why?”
“I just can’t talk about it”
“you can’t or you won’t” you said and immediately regretted it by the face that he made and how the atmosphere suddenly dropped.
“Lloyd..”
“I can’t tell you y/n. you need to understand that. there are some things in my life that I just can’t talk about.
“I’m sorry. it’s just that everyone seems to know about these things and I’m the one being left out.” you extended you hand to touch his face “I’m not doing this to hurt you, I’m just trying to help-“
“I don’t need your help!”
you pulled your hand back in shock. Lloyd had never yelled at you like that, much less with such pain in his eyes. as if you hurt him.
Lloyd stayed silent, not knowing what to say or how to fix it. he felt like an idiot. your relationship was still pretty new, but that was no excuse to yell at you like that, even more when you did nothing wrong.
you both stayed like that for what felt like a really long time, staring at each other without knowing what to say. at last, all you heard was an “I’m sorry” and Lloyd was gone from your sight.
commission for my friend @sodasyrup of tea shop boy kai and noodle shop girl skylor :) it may have taken me 1 million years but i can't be mad at myself because it turned out so good in the end. thank you for commissioning me <3
