It's been a year of abandoning and gaining
For one, I've abandoned my tumblr. I haven't really had use for it since Pinterest and wordpress took over my life. I have a professional blog for a Marketing class, so this is like the end of my teenage life.
But the thing is, I can't talk about boys and how I hate Marketing on my Marketing blog. And I could have a journal, but I just love typing now since my hands always hurt from work... So I might not completely abandon my tumblr. Not yet.
There have been an enormous amount of changes in the past two and a half months since I've been back from Lithuania. It's strange to think that I'm the same person in this body as last year or even six months ago. So many things have changed and I feel good. No, I feel great. I feel amazing. Like it kills me that I was so down about life a year ago, and I understand why I was, but it was so sad that I thought that was all there was to life.
There is so much to life we can't even imagine what can happen.
That's a beautiful realization. And there are so many people on this earth, and they are all so different than we expect them to be. People are just amazing me this year, and I realized that the people I was surrounding myself with last year were not the kind of people I need in my life. It's sad that I've had to abandon them in order to get better, because none of them are bad people, I just can't do it. I can't be around them and also be myself and be happy.
So this year I'm in a house, I'm making tons of new friends, I'm happy a lot of the time, and I'm terrified the other half. The real world is coming, I'm not ready for that. And I'm anxious, like that feeling when I know something insane is about to happen and I can't explain it.
I want to do something amazing with my life, I can feel it in my bones. I've had this feeling before, and I think it's the will of God trying to come through and show me what I can do. And the last time I had this feeling I didn't know how to deal with it, so I just kind of let it be. Now it's back and it freaks me out, because what if I miss it again? I just want to do something crazy and change my major and sell all of my things and live in another country again.
GOSH I miss Klaipeda. It's unreal how much I can miss one place. I want to be with all the people I love and have so many strange interactions with. I want to be with them. I want to go get coffee in town and take the bus where no one knows what I'm saying. I want to fly to Ukraine and help all the protesters. I want to give Obama a piece of my mind for getting involved. And yet I want to get to know people here and dance in the living room with my roommates and lay in the sunroom while the light comes in and warms everything up. I want to get to know people in my classes and maybe I don't know, maybe fall in love but I really don't know.
And I don't want to do Marketing. I don't want to be in school anymore, either, though. How do I solve that one? I have one more semester left, so I should just finish with a degree and then do something with it. But I just, I just want to work a crappy job and meet people who have really strange stories and live with little so I don't have to worry about having so much shit in my tiny apartment in the city. There's just so so much I want to do and I feel like I'm wasting my life sitting in class listening to pretentious classmates and professors go on and on about stuff that doesn't really matter.
I could never write any of this stuff in my professional blog unless I want to get kicked out of school. I hope they find it. Except not really because I actually don't hate Messiah anymore. Weird.
