Diary of a Scientist

We're not in infinity, we're in the lab.

[greenslavo]

Memories... ❤️ #blackbelt #taekwondo #likeagirl (at Reykjavík, Iceland)

[greenslavo]

More things that piss me off.

In no particular order: -Slow wifi -No wifi -Autocorrect -No autocorrect -Fruit in bread and cakes -Calories -People who don’t know proper stair etiquette -Herpes simplex virus 1 -Dirty hair -Migros employees that think I’m trying to steal a plastic bag that costs 5 cents -Instagram stories -People on the bus

[greenslavo]

Christmas presents from @astridurolafs! I need some name suggestions. ☺️ #lykketroll #christmaspresents #gold

[pdtonystark]

that Relatable™ mental illness feel when you can’t tell if your workload is unreasonable or if you’d actuallly be able to handle this if you had a functioning fucking brain

[greenslavo]

It's kinda like that.

[greenslavo]

'Tis the season for creepy toilet paper. 🚽💩 #penguins #toiletpaper #creepyAF

[greenslavo]

I also did this. #grey&purplehair #changes #toomuchfreetimeonmyhands?

[greenslavo]

Bye bye hair! 💇🏼#jólaklippingin2016 #shorterhairdontcare

[greenslavo]

Post production depression. #depression #nomoreshows #whoamI?

[greenslavo]

There are actual people in this picture. I swear. Who might only find me slightly unlikeable. #winning

[greenslavo]

Indeed! ❤️😂

[greenslavo]

Check out my anti-headache turban. It doesn't really work. But that's fine since it's more of an fashion statement anyways. #headache #electricalblanket #turban

[greenslavo]

Meaning.

I often feel like I’m the only one struggling to find meaning in life. I feel like other people are moving forward with their lives while I´m still struggling with the same things. Just plain, everyday things that everyone else seems to manage easily. 

I saw a picture on the internet the other day where they described depression as running through peanut butter. Now, I’ve never run through peanut butter but my life can definitely be described by something like that. Is it not supposed to get easier? Should all your hard work not pay off at some point? 

I just want to fucking sit back and relax. But I can’t. There are experiments to be run, papers to be published, excellence to be achieved. 

Sometimes I wonder if this is all so hard for me because I refuse to accept the fact that I am just mediocre. Maybe I should just get a mediocre job with mediocre responsibility and take up yoga or some shit. 

[greenslavo]

That fucking diploma.

I received my PhD diploma last week, which was great. Mostly. There was a part of me, an embarrassingly large part, that wanted to call the ETH department of Biology and complain. I envision that conversation going something like this: 

D-Biol: ETH department of Biology, how may I direct your call?

Me: Yeah, hi. I got my PhD diploma from your department last week. 

D-Biol: That’s great, congratulations. 

Me: Yeah, the problem is, though, that it’s in the wrong orientation. 

D-Biol: Excuse me?

Me: Yeah, you guys are really messing with my interior design vibe. It doesn’t match my other diplomas. I’d really need one in the portrait orientation instead of landscape. 

D-Biol: ...

I decided not to call. I’m not risking them taking it away for good. 

[greenslavo]

Things that piss me off.

In no specific order. - My neighbors playing the piano. - People who walk slowly on the sidewalk. - People who stop in the middle of the sidewalk for no reason. Actually, there is never a good reason. Stop doing that shit. - People who are thinner than me. - People who are smarter than me. - People who are both thinner and smarter than me. - People who have their shit together. - People who stand up immediately after the seatbelt sign has been turned off. - Bird chirping. - Laundry. - Bitches who wear too much perfume on airplanes. - People with strollers at airport security. - People trying to carry all the liquids in the universe through airport security. - Noisy people on public transportation. - Accidentally cutting my nails too short.

[greenslavo]

Strange.

Compiling years of work into a few figures results in a very ambiguous feeling. A part of you is very proud of the things you’ve accomplished but the overbearing perfectionist is just disappointed that you haven’t done more. 

Currently I feel about 50/50 proud/disappointed. I don’t think I can hope for more than that. 

Only 20 more days to go.  

[greenslavo]

Right.

So my thesis deadline is exactly a month away. 

I don’t know how to properly process that information. It’s not that I’m particularly stressed about not being done in time, it’s just that I never thought this far ahead. I never thought it was going to be over and I’d actually have to figure my shit out. I’ve grown to believe that I went to grad school to avoid real life. I’m almost 30 and I’ve never had a “regular” job that wasn’t a summer job. Is that bad? I don’t know.

I wrote up my CV today. My 9 years at university can be summed up in 1/3 of a page and soon 3 pieces of A4 sized paper. And I’m confused because I don’t know what that means to me anymore. It used to mean everything. I feel like I’m left with nothing except my student loan debt. I know that isn’t true, I’ve met people, gone places and done things during those years.

I thought I was a scientist, through and through. So, now what? 

Also, we have new toilet paper at home. It’s called Soft: Antartica. It has penguins on it. I don’t like it.        

[greenslavo]

Blogging.

I’m not good at it. 

Which is weird. Because I have thoughts. So many thoughts. Especially now that I’m writing my thesis. My current mental state, most likely caused by spending to much time with myself, is somewhat disappointing. Because I always thought that I could be a writer. So I thought I would write something. Anything. 

I feel like I’m having a breakdown. But at the same time I feel like I’ve got shit under control. That has never happened to me before. I’m an extreme. I’m all in or all out.

As a some sort of coping mechanism I went and got my ear pierced. Against my better judgement since I have problems with non-traditional piercings. 

I also revived my tongue piercing. I had it done about a 10 years ago and took it out in 2011 because I realized I wasn’t 19 anymore. Like that’s a reason.  

I’ve also been eating everything. Yes, everything. And I spent 2 hours on Amazon the other day looking for pyjamas with food on them. I ordered ones with cupcake pattern. They should arrive on Monday. I’m excited. Awkwardly excited.