So I've been having a lot of thoughts about this blog, and myself, and my diagnoses, and I wanted to put all of them in one place which I guess is what this post is going to be? Mobile users, in case the read-more doesn't work, this post is probably going to be pretty long.
*takes deep breath* I'm self diagnosed. I don't know if this is a surprise to anyone, because I think I mentioned it back in the early days of this blog? But I don't talk about it a lot anymore because of the huge schism in the pro self dx and anti self dx camps here on Tumblr.
That disclaimer out of the way, I've been really struggling with my self dx's lately? In that... I recognize and still believe I exhibit a lot of avoidant traits, and these traits impact me on an interpersonal level but not so much a professional one? (Or at least: I am functioning enough to hold down two jobs, even if it feels like I'm constantly drowning and "failing" at what I'm supposed to be doing in those jobs.) I feel like my avoidant traits might not be impacting me "enough" to qualify as true AvPD (even though, again, they impact me very deeply on interpersonal levels).
The thought of not having AvPD makes me very anxious and sends me into an identity crisis spiral where I doubt whether I have BPD (although I feel like I fit "more" of the criteria for that, again I can't tell if it's impacting my life "enough" to qualify as a PD). Also related spirals about whether I'm actually depressed, actually anxious, or actually traumatized.
Basically: A lot of Bad Feels about not being neurodivergent "enough" to actually say that I have pd's, let alone any mental illness of any sort.
This is being actively exacerbated by f-sp (though not intentionally, and she isn't aware of this) because she is pro-dx'd with pd's and I feel like I'm "faking" or "copying" her, even if I fit/have most/all of the criteria/symptoms for diagnosis.
For the brief time I was in therapy I didn't bring up the AvPD or BPD because my therapist got stuck on the idea that I just "didn't like talking to people" and I didn't know how to correct her or say anything else. But since she kept telling me that I "wasn't actually so bad!" I feel like I'm actually not doing that bad and I'm making things up or exagerrating how things really are (even though I know that she didn't have the full picture because I didn't tell her a lot of things).
I want to go back to therapy to work some of this out and maybe bring up the topic of possible AvPD/BPD diagnoses? But I'm also scared of the stigma of being Officially Diagnosed with BPD, and I'm not sure how I'll find a therapist who will take the AvPD seriously? (Because I know me and I know that I'll lie to downplay how bad things are instead of being honest about my symptoms.)
All of this leads me to: I'm not sure what to do about this blog. Because following AvPD/BPD blogs is starting to trigger these identity crisis spirals of feeling like I'm not "really" mentally ill (or not mentally ill "enough" to run this blog). Despite the few posts I put in the main tags I'm very uncomfortable interacting with mental health communities at large for fear of being seen as a "fake". This blog is already run on a queue but I feel like it's fallen into a steady stream of "generic relatable posts" because I'm scared of reblogging a lot of stuff that's explicitly about AvPD and/or BPD.
A lot of the things I want to talk about over here are things that I'm scared to talk about because no one else is talking about them. If that makes sense? I want to talk about my trauma but no one else talks about the type or cause of trauma that I can relate to so I feel like mine isn't real and I'm just making things up. Or I want to talk about my hypersexuality but I'm soooo scared of posting details about it because it disgusts even me and the thought of having to put a thousand disclaimers on every post is exhausting.
So basically: I've reached a point where I'm not sure what the point of this blog is anymore? Except giving me a place to scream into the void without having to put that stuff on my main. But even though I'm still firmly pro self dx I feel like I can't or shouldn't run this blog until/unless I'm pro dx'd, even though I know that that's a ridiculous feeling to have? I just want the Validation™ of knowing what's actually wrong with me, instead of feeling like I have a thousand pieces of different things that don't add up to one specific diagnosis? I want to know if I have AvPD and BPD, or just BPD with avoidant traits, or PDNOS with borderline and avoidant traits, or no PD at all, or ??? Constantly doubting what I think I know is exhausting and I can't keep doing that, and unfortunately interacting with certain communities here is making those feelings worse.
So I guess... I'm probably going to pull back from this blog a bit. I'll keep the queue running and I may post a little but I just... can't have this be a priority anymore? Or at least right now?
I don't know. I feel like even this post is blowing things way out of proportion and that I should just shut up and stop talking about anything. But whatever. This is what's been going on with me lately.
