Another Letter to Mom on this Blood Moon
You have to understand that this is hard to say such hurtful things, to have feelings toward you that are at all unhappy. I hate conflict between us because I have seen how utterly destructive it can be, and in turn how amazing we are together when we can share respect and love. But old wounds keep opening and new ones are created through our interactions.
You and I have had some trouble communicating in the past and though I felt like this was very much behind us, recently old wounds have been reopening, parts of my life that may be effecting me outside of my connection with you yet still are effected by my life with you, how those moment have taught me how to connect with others, how to deal with my emotions and how to communicate. Along with this, new wounds continue to cut open, as I see many of the same issues reappear with our connection now. This brings up the topic of so many things that have been so hard to say so I will just say it: emotional warfare, trust & support.
My role with you has become less like a daughter and more like the symbolic "black sheep." This may be a surprise to you but I am aware that I am very much the black sheep of all 4 of my families, so insecure and distant with my connection to them that it is easier for them to look at me as an outsider, rather than approach the reasons for my distance. I've grown to accept this, in a way, without much trouble. It has very rarely bothered me when I have stood out against the crowd. But it does bother me terribly to be treated as such by my own mother, the woman who symbolically is the one person in life who should love me the most, unconditionally. I know I am talked more about than to, I know that I am so different in some ways it's easier to not try to connect with me & I know that I have a right to ask for that to be different.
I feel that I have never earned your respect, that the things you want in return for that respect are things that I value much less than you, and that these things have some kind of a time limit that must be reached. This timeline is quickly approaching, if not already expired.
I am not and will never be a woman who will give up her personal expression for financial security and wide social acceptance. I don't need the average life of a young american white upper-class woman to identify with myself and I know that this choice has sacrifices. Job security, emotional love, respect from peers, financial security, loneliness, sacrificing friendships, comfortable homes, pride, & many moments of personal gain; I have sacrificed much comfort and ease to be the person I am proud to be. I just genuinely hope that I don't have to sacrifice a family to be that person.
For I am a strong, smart and self-aware woman, the kind of woman you don't see much of any longer. I have immense amounts of love and respect for the world, something that has been a worthwhile struggle my entire life thus far, and will likely continue to hold importance over me. I want to heal so much around me, and myself as well. This is the kind of person, the kind of woman a mother should be proud of, I hope would be proud of.
Yet, you are so cold to me, holding me at a distance and often behaving toward me as if I am an unwanted chore. I know there are so many things you have kept from me over the years, have told me untruths or have held off from sharing with me, yet to tell me, things I deserve to know. THESE ARE THINGS I MAY NEVER HEAL FROM IF YOU DO NOT FACE THEM WITH ME HONESTLY....and I must heal, else I will never be the friend, companion, collaborator and (distant) future wife & mother that I know I could be. I am not sure if you genuinely thought I wouldn't notice much or wouldn't be effected so much later on, but I have.
In this, your lack of faith in me is immense and obvious. You expect me not to notice so much. Your expectation may come from my choice to live my life much differently than you would have wanted for me, but it should not be confused with how aware I am. If you do in fact know that I can pick up on much more than is said, I can understand how some things are just difficult to approach. But they still effect you & the way that you act toward me even. They still effect me too, more than I can express to you in words. This lack of openness between us hurts me deeply. And when I have attempted to be open with you in the past, I have memories of you making it very painful for me. So I am both scared of and very much in need of a drastic change.
I recognize my role in this silence. I have pushed much of what was offered away, as I could see it was not what I was looking for. I have been given a lot of financial security and encouragement to make certain steps of progress that likely seems unappreciated. I do appreciate, and am aware of these things. I am also aware that they were often paired with and meant relinquishing certain amount of my personal control to you. Relinquishing control into your hands has often lead me down paths that were very difficult for me, as they were the choices that you would have taken, and not right for me. So, in order to heal myself, to focus on my personal needs, without being affected by an outside source, I have greatly controlled my connection with you, and in turn you may feel hurt by that. I hope you can see my reasoning, though, as I see yours.
There is likely so much more that I could say, but I am at a loss of words.
Tonight is a very important night for me, as it is a full moon and not only symbolizes emotional clarity with the self and the relationships within life, but also symbolizes a period of my life that was started 7 years ago, a time when I underwent a drastic amount of change and a time I last felt connected with you. I need very much to think over all of this tonight and I hope you will do the same. I do love you, Mom... though it hurts to say right now.
baratheonpilled
snowghoul
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
prguitarman
pixelskylines
gummygunk
