my scream into the void. nobody but sexbots and some 14 yo from the other part of the world even have the chance of seeing this. which gives me the freedom to tell somebody but also nobody.
i am so sick of this. nobody cares about other people anymore, we are all alone in individuality ad absurdum.
i think what numbed me was the chemist. at a party, looking at me for a while. he is also trying to fuck my friends. i am not special, i am just in the same room and meet the criteria for fuckable.
after some dark weeks, i reached my breaking point when i brought someone that had difficulties finding connections with people. after spending time with him i've figured that he has challenges with taking other peoples perspective. sounds irrelevant in day to day conversations but isn't. in his mind, we are all agents smiths of him with the same values like him, same rules. so of course it's ridiculous for him that you have a problem which he doesnt see as problem. he didn't hurt nobody because in his mind he didn't do anything and also he isn't hurting. he is fine.
after bringing him in, he eagerly connected with everyone, trying to form bonds that specifically don't include me. i was the door to these people he didnt know some hours ago. i was useful. and he is pretty so he finds friends easily. easy enough to get my opinion on "is it weird if i go to fuck with these 2 dudes? or do you think that looks bad to others since you and me dated."
so, i am so done. so tired. i don't wanna deal with all this. not because of him, god no. i think giving a man, especially one like him, the importance to be the reason. he would probably jizz his pants at my funeral.
the chemist is leaned over the kitchen counter. he is actually a doctor of chemistry. which is probably why at this point, half his blood conists of 50% chemicals. he looks at me and this usually very eloquent man stumbles and smiles like an idiot. pathetic. but he is a nice person i probably.
while he is mixing yet another substances into his coke light (gotta be ripped tho) i approach. at this point i dont care what comes put of my mouth. i say so many irritating things that i get away with everything. this evening i charmingly told several men who approached me that "i would rather die". usually does the trick, even if they dont know how low that bar is.
"if i ever take that shit, i wanna know how much could kill me. to be safe." - blatant lie, i dont even bother
he looks at me and focuses. "how much do you weigh?"
enough to "do that one thing" would be 4,7ml exact. 5,0ml to be sure he said. he even used a calculator to be very sure. now he looks at me like a dog that wants a treat.
i think there my confidence dissolved. i know, i can get what i need when i try. i know nobody could really stop me from that. but this compliant little man stands there infront of me with empty eyes and wants to hear how smart he is. he even gives me his last rest of the bottle. i thank him politely and leave him to be with his delirium.
my brain fights against two possible truths at the same time. next to me on the sofa is getting a blowjob i think , just 1m away.
nobody is that high. or was he? i didnt lie that well. he knew what i asked. and why.
which leaves not 2, but now 3 equally difficult outcomes:
this man was so out of his mind with his special mix of narcotics and pills that he really didnt get it. it's just a moment that passed.
did he understand but saw no threat of me going through? like some dramatic teenager that threatens his parents with moving out or some shit. "i will do it" .... no you wont. are you just some loser who wants attention.
"take here, all the requisites you need for your little dramatic play." but you wont do it, so we just wait untill you find out that nobody came to your play. a clown alone on his stage , presenting his most important, most significant little trick. his grand final. and nobody even bothered to show up.
do you want people to react? and this little high chemist saw a pathetic, 32 year old teenager and thought "lets play along. he will tire himself out"
my final desperation, just one of my many exhausting moods for others. i think this is the most cruel of all the possible explanations.
because the third is not cruel. just unbothered. he just didn't really care. i am a grown-up and not his responsibility. do what you have to do, but someonewhere else where you don't disrupt. i want to have fun. i want to fuck. i want to be high. i don't really see much beyond that. its not that deep.
whatever it is, i guess that's why he has this happy smile. and gives me the little bottle. he just vibes. and nothing will interfere.
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