spooky queen of 3dblr // in-active 02-2025

18+ only - this is my diary and can be triggering (3D content) - stats are in my pinned post - please block and don't report-

[grunge-me-up]

Things that won't actually change (positively) once I reach my UGW:

My laugh and the sparkle in my eyes

My intelligence

My social skills and anxiety about outings

My performance at work

My paychecks or finances in general

My charme, personality, moral values

My humour and my bad jokes

My friendships

My fashion sense and style

My partner and his love for me

My cats loving me

My worth and value as a human being

Things that might change (positively) once I reach my UGW:

My self-confidence (bc I'll be in a body that I want to be in) ??? Or I'll still find things to change, we will only know once I'm there

My wardrobe or outfits (bc I'll finally wear the clothes I want to wear and finally fit into the stuff I have bought one or two sizes too small)

My mental health ??? Idk my weight/bodyshape is just one of many things I critique constantly

The mass my avatar/vessel has on this earth and gravity pulling me down = my weight

💜✨️Just some food for thought... maybe weight loss/reaching my UGW isn't gonna change everything, and maybe I have more "construction sites" to work on to better myself.✨️💜

Stats under the cut (I wanted to change my intro post bc heck why not?)

If you've read this far, thank you, and I'm sorry to meet you on this side of tumblr... you can call me "V".

💜Age: 27 (yes, I'm too old for this shit, idk which relapse this is now, I've lost count...)

💜 Height: 1.63m / 5'3"

💜 SW: 72.5 kg

💜 CW: 61.1 kg

💜 UGW: 52.5 kg (so that I can say I lost 20kg in total)

💜 Lost so far: 11.4 kg (relapse started 07/24)

💜 My strategy until NYE was eating close to my BMR while doing IF (two meals per day), dinners mostly consist of a big salad and a smaller bowl of whatever my bf or me cook that day.

💜 My plan now is to not go under my BMR and to track as closely as I can (not overestimating as much as I used to!) and to be less strict with IF depending on how I feel each day. As well as learning a balanced way with food as fuel and finding different ways to cope with my stress and not using food as a crutch.

Stay safe and hydrated, everyone... 💜🫂

[grunge-me-up]

Long time no see, I'm still alive and doing well as in not much has changed, I'm stressed 24/7 but outwardly everything is fine.

I was very scared to open the app as if this would mean I'd have to get back to c4lorie counting and all that shit.

Tbh i don't know if I'm in recovery or not, I definitely gained weight back, but also, it's not horrible (?) as in "as long as I don't know the number, I'm fine", so I'll leave it at that.

I still feel negative about certain things (e.g. morality of food, my body on certain days or in certain outfits), but I feel way lighter mentally bc I've had more important things to control and to take care of instead of just the weight and diet of my vessel.

We're really happy in our little house, and we're working on stuff left and right (decorating the house and garden, financial stuff, my bf thinks about changing jobs) and we rarely get time for ourselves somehow.

I really hope you are alright and living instead of surviving, sending tight hugs to you reading this 🙈🫂💜

[grunge-me-up]

Apartment hunting update: we got a frigging house!!!!

It's adorable!! It has 3 rooms apart from the kitchen and bathroom, as well as a big basement to store stuff in and do laundry. It's twice as big as our current apartment and, of course, more than double the costs, but for a house, it's super reasonable and we can afford it.

We have a garage and a garden as well, and the landlord's wife was super chill and apparently we left a very good impression (on her, we didn't meet her husband yet) bc they decided really quickly and w/o us giving them any documents upfront.

They love pets, so they're happy to have 4 cats move in with us as well.

3 weeks from now, we'll finally move out 🤩 I'm so stoked! I already tried to pack some stuff today (books, decor, etc.) but ran out of boxes already.

Our landlord's assistant will come by this week to meet my bfs brother who wants to take over our apartment, and to view the apartment's state, so I've been busy filling in holes from all my/our wall decor.

I'm so glad that it finally worked out, and I'm looking forward to moving in soon. AHHHH!!! 🤩🥳🥳

[grunge-me-up]

I'm feeling better and yes I'm still alive and well (kinda) apart from stress, the usual.

I'm overwhelmed by stress bc we still haven't found an apartment yet and are still waiting for feedback from two of those we viewed and we viewed even more bc we still don't have one. Ugh.

Ontop I had the flu and felt really shitty for a week straight (still worked though bc I'm a wfh employee and it was manageable), I'm eating whatever, and I'm fine with it as long as I don't think too much or start comparing myself again. So yeah. I can't update y'all if nothing changed 😅😫

We have the election (🇩🇪) coming up this weekend, and that's also stressing me out while I try not to panic before we have the actual results bc I can't do much about it anyway.

Bf and I are both stressed and trying our best to keep each other sane, but at least between us, everything is fine.

Hope y'all are doing well 🫂💜

[grunge-me-up]

Yesss of course, sweetie pie 🌷🙈 awww what a wonderful message to come back to

[grunge-me-up]

I'm alive 👍😅 barely, but it's okay. I'm falling ill at the moment, probably due to all the stress and the many things we were up to in the past 2 weeks (concerts, parties, late night drives).

Work is going alright or actually pretty good.

There is no update on the apartment hunting yet. I'm just hoping for a good outcome bc I can't handle the stress of doing more viewings.

I actually weighed myself, and I've maintained, actually. I was very surprised to see that, especially since I'm not counting c4ls at the moment. My plan to lose more weight hasn't changed yet, but I don't know yet how I'll approach it and when. But it's not my priority at all.

[grunge-me-up]

It feels like I've been offline for ages, but it wasn't even a week. I'm doing okay, actually. I'm not weighing my food anymore, and that feels liberating but also gives me slight anxiety about how much food/c4ls I'm consuming.

I still haven't weighed myself, but I don't think I've gained more than 2kg since the last time. Which would be fine considering the amount of sweets and fast food I was eating 🤔

Hope y'all are doing well? 🙏 I miss you.

Work is going actually alright for once, but maybe it's bc I'm more stressed about possibly moving next month. We're still waiting for feedback, and it feels like it's been ages as well, and we fell in love with the apartment we viewed on Monday. I'm trying to manifest it bc it would be an absolute dream to live there sooner rather than later.

I'll definitely update you once we hear back from any of the landlords.

Oh, I totally forgot: I finally got my official diagnosis and protocol!! It's official, guys, gals and nb-pals: I have ADHD!! 💯👀 in all the stress, I totally blanked on what that means.. I finally not a weird or faulty horse anymore, I'm a freaking zebra or donkey or whatever I'd like to call me. But there's nothing wrong with me!

It feels so liberating to finally know it (my mum cried bc she feels so sorry for not getting me help sooner and saving me all my struggles.. and while reading a book I gave her about adhd she's realising why she thought my struggles were "normal").

I'll probably get medication for it in the future, but for now, everything else is more important, and I can't try meds out yet w/o knowing the side effects/risking any of them messing it all up.

I'll see y'all soon, and I wish you all the best 💜🫂

[grunge-me-up]

Long time no see, I'm still stressed 😫 and I'm overeating bc of it, I'm such an emotional eater, it's insane. But it's not like it's permanent.

We had three apartment viewings this weekend and drove 5 hours for a concert in Munich (worth it!). One apartment we already declined bc it just wasn't the vibe for us, one we're not sure about bc my bf would have to walk 15min to public transport every day (back and forth) to get to work (which in theory he's fine with but I'm sure he'll be sick of it soon enough especially when the weather sucks!), and the first one we would immediately take, if they'd let us (we're waiting for the documents to fill out and send back).

My bf has to call our landlord today bc his brother would like to take over our apartment and we could save on rent bc we could get out sooner (and not have to pay two apartments for 2 months bc of frigging kündigungsfrist). We'll see if he's up for it. Fingers crossed.

Also, I have my final adhd diagnosis appointment in a few hours, and I'm quite excited about the actual protocol of all of my issues related to adhd, lol.

Then we have another apartment viewing after my work is done at 4:30 pm and then we have to go out for my stepdads birthday dinner.

Ugh, I'm so done with the day already but it's gonna be fine, hopefully.

Sending y'all hugs and kisses, whatever you need 💜🫂

[gentlewhispersworld-deactivated]

Gentle reminder

because I have Seen a Lot of "Noones forcing you to eat, Its your choice alone" - posts:

peer pressure is Always a Thing

Parents and Friends can force you, even If its Not physical

Its okay to say yes to food to avoid confrontation, Out of guilt, Out of peer pressure or anything else

Its okay to Not want to lose all your relationships because of the stupid 3d

you are valid, your struggles are real and guilttripping in Order to get Others to reach their Goals are unsustainable and mean

Be gentle.

[grunge-me-up]

I'm alive! And I feel the stress (or parts of it) leaving my body and mind. Such a relief.

I ate 3 meals yesterday bc I felt super hungry and dizzy even after I've had a proper, healthy, and balanced breakfast at noon.

Another win: I was able to use honey and chocolate sprinkles in my breakfast (magerquark, with dried fruits and oats and chia pudding) as well. I was also very close to not using the scale bc I still track everything when I'm able to.

Maybe I won't weigh every single thing today, we'll see, I always eat roughly the same breakfast/lunch anyway.

I have to go to the apartment viewing solo today bc my bf is at work at the time (3:30pm), I'm kinda looking forward to it and kinda nervous as well.

The apartment looks pretty nice online, with an interesting layout, and has a nice kitchen built-in already (with red cupboards/fronts). The bathroom wasn't too bad either, we would have to install a shower wall on the tub, though, bc we have had enough of shower curtains assaulting us, and there's no proper shower. Financially, it's fine as well.

I've contacted like 3-5 other apartments/landlords/scouts/whatever, and I'm still waiting for them to invite us for viewings. I hate the waiting bc I'm a very impatient bitch, if I say so myself.

Hope y'all are doing well as much as you're able to 💜🫂

In case you weren't/aren't aware, I'm from Germany, and damn it's getting very scary here bc of politics, and I know y'all from the states and other countries might be suffering/scared too. I'm hoping for a better outcome (than what statistics are saying atm), but I'm trying not to think too much about it, or I'll cry every day until the election next month. I already feel a lot of mental pain about things in the world, I'm very empathetic, and it hurts to see/hear how much people are suffering. So I'm really hoping it's gonna be okay...

[grunge-me-up]

The viewing today was a waste of time. They're lucky if anyone will take this apartment bc there's major issues with rain leaking into the walls causing mould and water damage, and the prior tenant told us everything about how the issue wasn't solved in all the time she's lived there.

It was also too big for my bf and I, and the ceiling was way too high as well, which would cost us so much gas and, therefore, money to keep it at a reasonable and comfy temperature.

Soo many other things were wrong or inconvenient as well, I'm glad we are in no rush to move into a different apartment bc our lease has no defined end yet (we have to cancel it ourselves). I'm keeping my hopes up for Wednesday, but I'm trying not to dream too much, or else it's gonna put me down again if they choose someone else.

[grunge-me-up]

Happy Monday, ugh. I'm still stressed but less than last week. I got all my work done on time, and we got an email yesterday about the apartment we wanted, sadly they chose someone else.

We have another viewing today, and on Wednesday, I have to go to one alone bc my bf is stuck at work.

Food is kinda all over the place, some days I don't eat until dinner, others I'm constantly eating (or at least it feels like it bc I'm eating properly and having snacks as well). I'm not trying at all, so I'm not expecting that my weight has changed downwards at all, but I also haven't checked bc I don't care too much at the moment.

Life is about so much more than just my body/weight. When things are sorted out or we have a real plan for the future (new apartment), I'll try with diet again and also pick up exercise, as well.

So far, the world hasn't ended, and I still fit into my clothes and in some moments I'm astonished bc I look so slim and others of course I feel fat again but those don't last as long as they used too (when I was actually considered overweight!).

I hope y'all are doing well and taking care of yourselves 💜🫂

[caats]

[catchymemes]

[grunge-me-up]

I saw my childhood/teenage rockstar icon live yesterday, and I'm over the moon happy about it, omg.

You can listen to it, but it's German, so idk if the lyrics will inspire you as they did to me.. maybe Google a translation if you're interested.

I was there with my two closest (girl-)friends, and we had such a blast, teenage nostalgia all the way! All of our favourite songs and my throat actually hurts today bc I was screamsinging so much.

This song was the one that almost made me cry tbh. Bc it made me realise I've been struggling with this frigging disorder for more than 15 years, and it's led me nowhere but hating my body despite it trying its hardest to keep us alive.

My friends are both plus-size and I don't think less of them bc of their size (apart from superficial thoughts in which I project my own insecurities onto them and I feel immense guilt and shame about that!), and compared to them I was the skinny friend yesterday. But I kept looking through the crowd and comparing myself to skinnier girls... it's like I can't do it right by my disordered brain bc yeah, it lacks logic overall.

[grunge-me-up]

So, with all the stress, naturally, I have picked up a colouring book yesterday and I gotta say, it definitely helps and I forgot how much fun I used to have just colouring in stuff bc it's easy and very forgiving. And also kinda meditative. I can't do usual meditations, I've tried... but this definitely helps!

Oh, and I forgot: I have my final assessment for my adhd diagnosis in 2 weeks! I have to pay 200€ for the detailed protocol/analysis, but I think it's worth it, so I can finally tell my bosses and make adjustments with them and maybe my clients (and pick up therapy as well).

[grunge-me-up]

Maybe I should clarify: I'm fine overall. But I'm very, very stressed, work is hard atm, I'm lacking focus again, food is not on my mind at all which leads to both extremes happening in one day sometimes, leading me nowhere with WL but to live in agony and pain... I'm stressed about apartment hunting and possible outcomes. I'll just ramble for a sec, if you dont mind... [if you mind, you can scroll, of course]

We sent in all documents for an apartment that we could move into on the 1st of March, we haven't cancelled our current apartment yet bc we haven't made a new contract yet. They'll decide probably this week or worse, next week...

We have a 3 month cancellation period so we would be paying rent for both apartments for 2 or even 3 months, depending on when we can finally cancel our old one (once we have the new contract safe in our hands!).

Luckily, we can afford that (would be manageable but also still cutting into our finances), and it would make moving very easy bc we'd have so much more time to bring all the stuff from one place to the other.

But I'm very scared about my wfh-job bc that would have to work out ASAP unless I can fit in a few vacation days to get internet set up at the new place and yada yada yada.. or I'd have to go to the office for work and do moving and packing stuff when I'm back home.

Also buying a new fridge... we/I have savings for it, but it's still a hassle to go out and buy one.

The biggest stressor here is: financially, it's gonna be tough, and we still don't know whether or not if we will even get the apartment! And if NOT, the search continues, and it feels impossible to me to be patient and find a place that's as cheap and in a good part of the city (again!).

And yeah, apart from that, I'm just making myself more stressed within my head, and work is getting the worst of me, and the IT is not working as it should be... and ugh... I'm just not happy here and would move out tomorrow if I was able to.