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if i look back, i am lost

Janaina Medeiros

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DEAR READER
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2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
trying on a metaphor

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Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama in his studio
i need this sweater yesterday
Britney Spears Oops!…I Did It Again (2000)
i feel like the narrative on women and makeup has become so muddled and confused and misguided. there is honestly an industry at this point based on denying that makeup has anything to do with patriarchy in any way, shape or form. despite the obvious fact that, no, the vast majority of men do not wear makeup–and yes, we still consider many of them beautiful without it, and without even thinking about it.Â
the beauty industry has become attuned enough to the change in culture and women’s increasing liberation over time that they can no longer get away with marketing all their products as “fixes” for your “flaws.” no, they’ve actually co-opted feminist/activist rhetoric to sell their products to you. this imbues their product with a significance and a weight that, without this language, it simply does not have. sadly a lot of this language is similarly used by makeup blogs/vlogs/instagrams/etc without understanding that the capitalist machine has pushed this nonsense on us for years to dupe us. let’s actually take a look at some modern advertising in the beauty industry:
wow! it’s almost like “having it all” sounds familiar? hm, where have i heard that?
this is just one of dozens of products that compare their makeup to a revolution.
the beauty industry has been steadily using rhetoric to suggest that cosmetics bring women power and the like, such as:
but when all else fails, don’t convince women that beauty products will empower, change, enliven them, or make them assertive. just tell them it’s a part of who they are!
because how could the real you shine through without the help of some new foundation or lipstick?
there is such an absurdity to these slogans and such a sexism to the idea that these products are going to change women’s lives, bring them confidence, give them power or anything else. these products, nine times out of ten, are going to paint women’s faces in order to make them more appealing to the patriarchy.
it’s even gone far enough that women online have recently created a hashtag #thepowerofmakeup (?) to insist that makeup is not due to insecurities or a desire to please boys, but simply a personal choice and pleasure that exists in a vacuum and has nothing to do with anything else ever. this is the extent of the brainwashing. i don’t condemn these women in any way because their lack of understanding is not their fault and is a product of growing up in the society they have. to make myself perfectly clear, i do not condemn any women who wear makeup in any context. however the hashtag creator’s notion that “nowadays…it’s almost a crime to love doing your makeup” is literally baffling. makeup has never been more popular or beloved than it is right now, and the small group of people criticizing its misogynistic origins are nothing compared to the millions of women who feel compelled to spend hundreds every year on these products. it’s incredible to see women who do wear makeup portrayed as the outcasts, while women who don’t wear makeup know that they’ll have a tougher time getting jobs, be consistently assumed tired/upset/having a bad day, and be generally considered less desirable and inadequately feminine on the whole.Â
speaking of the growing prominence of youtube channels, instagrams, tumblrs, etcetcetc centered around makeup and makeup products, i want to make a point. can makeup be art? absolutely! can makeup be fun? absolutely! can makeup exist totally separate from male dominant spaces? i’m not positive, but i think it’s possible. however, it is the dominant culture’s obsession with and need for these products which is harmful to women and girls. many will proclaim that, “i like how i look without makeup too!” and “i can still leave the house without it!” but, as someone who once constantly reiterated these phrases, unfortunately i know them to be denials in many many cases. i felt myself, over the years, insisting that i could leave the house without makeup, yet found myself doing that, at most, five times in an entire year. i told myself i liked how i looked without makeup, yet after two days in the house without a drop, i looked in the mirror and felt ugly, dirty, incomplete. and i know i am not alone. sure makeup makes you feel beautiful, but why?
if we want to talk honestly about makeup and the enormous influence it has on women and girls, we have to rid ourselves of patriarchal notions and delusions that makeup “just makes me feel good!” and embrace the idea that we can feel good, all the time, be beautiful, all the time, no matter what we look like, without makeup in any form. our choices do not exist in a vacuum, and there was a reason i cried hysterically to my mother at 13 for not being allowed to wear mascara. all women are beautiful, all the time. it’s okay that women wear makeup. we just need to start examining why we want to, and patriarchy’s role in that “choice.”
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I have some thoughts on abuse, please take some time to read them. It's easy to hear about gossip, or read it online but remember you are a human and you get to decide what type of human you want to be every day. Sorry for typos.
Hey guys lets all take a minute to think about the last time you heard about someone you know being accused of abuse/the person who was abused. Specifically just talking about people you feel like you “know”.
Maybe you knew them separately, maybe it was a couple, maybe you just follow them both on the internet.
Was this included in your first thoughts? “Well she’s kinda bitchy” “she can be pretty crazy” “she’s always naked online” “she hooked up with 100 people” “she’s loud” “women are emotional/psycho”
Or how about “well he’s funny” “he’s nice TO ME how could he treat someone else this way?” “ Ive never seen him angry/ be creepy” “he’s really successful right now, so people want to take him down” “they broke up so she’s trying to get him back” “he’s nice to his current girlfriend so obviously he couldn’t have done this”
If you step back and read this then you’ll see what you’ve done here is :
Step one: confirmed that you care to know these people. Emphasis on care. You are taking time out of your life to say these are people I’d like to know. Ive subscribed to them. Ive added them to my brain space. They would call me a friend or for those online: a supporter (good time to note that I added “knowing people on the internet” because in a small way you do feel like you know a side of a person, just as casual friends feel like they know a person.  And during a few hours per day you digest what they decide to tell you is THEM.. Just as many real life friendship work)
Step two: in your first thoughts you have weighed reasons for this to have happened to her.
Step three: you have a list of excuses for why a person you know a small percentage of their daily lives could not have done this.
right now you probably think you know where I’m going with this… and great! sure. MY first point has been made, you’re seeing that you accidentally let your mind tell you the victim set her self up for this and the accused is innocent and you’ve given him all the excuses he needs. But lets look deeper now.
Sure on paper to you rape is bad. Beating a woman is bad. You may have even marched at the woman’s rally and you fucking KNOW this shit is wrong. But when put in to practice you can’t get over these x-factors, your own emotions and opinions.. and let me tell you… THE VICTIMS? THEY KNOW THAT.
They know you are going to do this, they stress about ways to talk about it, they may have tested with people … people who told them “i care about you” or “i fuck with you”.. or “I  subscribe to you”… They’ve put a toe in, they’ve told you part of a bad story. They watched you react. They watched you chalk it up to alcohol, or a misunderstanding. Hell, they watched some of you point blank go radio silent! They know you took pieces of their hurt and possibly discussed it with others, and collectively you ALL may excuse his behavior. You may all describe her differently than you would have a week ago as someone you were calling a “friend”. Sometimes knowing that is enough for them to bury this shit for years. Because their lives have already been disrupted once, why would they disrupt it again. They will ask themselves that over and over.. balancing daily, weekly, yearly things like “should i say something or will it make it worse?” And they can’t handle worse, they are trying to rebuild.
Now what kind of person does that make you? What type of friend are you? Should we write a list about it? About all the reasons you could be at fault for perpetuating a culture that excuses things when they get ugly? or go against a good time? or should we lead the list of describing you with your good qualities and why you aren’t a bad person deserving of judgement because you’ve committed no actual crimes.
When people have clout and everyone has clout.. even in the microcosm’s of high school or bar friends, all the way up to your favorite rapper, or actor, or instagram model. People want to stand so close to that, seize a piece for themselves, they will willingly toss others to the side to be there. They will pick the winning team because the risk is almost obsolete, and the victims know that.
So you want to question things like why some many woman are finally speaking up about fucked up shit happening to them.. well its because the world is shifting.. and they don’t need to rely on “friends” who make excuses because now they have seen these trailblazers taking the first scariest fucking leap into a pit of people who might have lied to them when they called them a friend.  They watch these trailblazers watch them telling people “you know what? this happened and its not ok.  its taken pieces of me and I am no longer going to let your lists silence me. because I am bigger than that list.” And they are feeling bigger than the list of faults you made for them now too.
Wendell E Burnette, Studio Residence, Sunnyslope Arizona, 1988.