Lion's Den @gstylzone - Tumblr Blog

Today was a BAD BAD Day

Had an emotional breakdown today due everything that has been going on these past 3 weeks, however, a series of events today caused me to temporarily lose my hold on my emotions. I’m talking tears, anger, having to walk away before unleashing the violent alter egos that reside in my mind, to giving a huge chuck of my mind to someone in a somewhat colorful way, to writing a sarcastic email which I sent!

So, how do I feel now? I have the violent triplets calmed down, but feel like they’ve Jimmy rigged their door so they could jump out at any given provocation. I still feel tears lurking right behind my eyelids. I am still super frustrated because no matter how much I try to avoid this brick wall I still end up doing a face plant into at least once a week, actually more like 3 times a week.

So what am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? Wish it were that simple. There is no right or wrong when it comes to your emotions, there are just your feelings and they are real and should not be discounted by you or anyone else. We all get overwhelmed by events or circumstances or even people we encounter, but we must not allow ourselves to drown in these things. Now I admit the “water” around me is heavy and murky but my head and shoulders are above the water, so I’m taking control breaths to keep me from panicking and I’m making complete and controlled arm strokes as I make my way to clearer less dense water. I’m making minimal leg movements (which is code for I’m not kicking with my occasional screaming) for that would be counterproductive to my forward progress.

So having said all that, this time of year is tough enough on it’s own without someone dropping brick walls in front of you every other day or throwing you into the depths of a dense dark pool of water, but you can make it through by finding a happy place to focus on, control your heart rate, slow down your breathing and no making any moves without seriously thinking them through and doing what’s in your own best interest!

From Demolition Man “Enhance Your Calm”. That made you smile didn’t it? 😊

As always, thanks for tuning in while I Talk Out Loud!

Take What You Want, Leave What You Need to Survive!

gstylzone

Had to let the tears go!

They had been perch on the edge of my eyelids for far too long, and it was time for them to go!

Not sure why they were there in the first place, and no idea why they wouldn’t leave. So, I had to evict them! Yep! They had to go! And what better way than by watching The Best Man Holiday! I started crying the moment the opening credits started which was a surprise to me since I didn’t think they would start until Harper found Mia coughing up blood. But anyway … .

I feel much lighter now, at least emotionally. Sometimes you just need to cleanse your heart, mind, and soul with a good cry even if you don’t know for certain what’s weighing it down. It could be just be little pieces of nothing that have stuck to each other and become something heavy for which there is no rhyme or reason, and it must be shed at some point. If it won’t go away on its own, then you must force it to vacate the premises by whatever means you have at your disposal. That’s right, Let It/Them Go!

We have a habit of hoarding thoughts and feelings that we just don’t need any more and let them build up to toxic levels within us instead of shedding them and renewing ourselves. Renewal is critical to the survival of all living things, emotionally as well as physically. So if you’ve been hoarding thoughts and feelings, free yourself of the clutter and renew yourself so that you can move on to the next phase of your life.

Thanks once again for tuning in while I Talk Out Loud.

As always, Take What You Want, Leave What You Need to Survive!

gstylzone

The original entry is 3 years old, but the message in it never ages!

gstylzone

Can't Shake This "Blah" Feeling

Been feeling this way for about a week now, and I just can’t seem to “shake it”. I’ve not been happy with the healing of my knee through physical therapy, and the visit with the surgeon today confirmed my belief that I wasn’t healing. So now I have to go have an MRI on my knee to see what is going on in there. Those results could lead to either surgery or injections in my knee to help in heal. So not looking forward to either one of those options.

So as a result of the deal with my knee, I’ve been cooped up in the house as it is my right knee that is injured, and that keeps me from driving. Even though I really have had no where I wanted to go, I still didn’t like the feeling of not being able to get in my car and drive at any time I felt like it. I had people available to take me wherever and they did, but it just isn’t the same.

I also feel like I have lost some ground on my fitness journey as I have been unable to go to the gym and workout these past few weeks. With all of the equipment that I have in the house, I really shouldn’t be that far off track, but I lost some motivation. I intend to get that back, I need to get that back. In the past when I felt this way going to the gym and working out improved my mood. I wonder how much of that had to do with the workout itself, and how much had to do with the people that I interact with at the gym. I miss those guys.

At some point my adopted siblings and I have drifted apart for whatever reason, and miss the camaraderie of hanging out with them whether it was my poetry family or my sister girls (of which there were two different groups). We still talk sporadically, but we don’t do breakfast or go to dinner or just all meet up and enjoy poetry together. I know as we get older, kids get older, parents get older, our lives change, but I miss them.

Not sure if any of that is a trigger for this blah feeling that I have, and it just won’t go away. So I’m Talking Out Loud as this seems to help me tremendously, and I’m hoping that someone else will either find healing in my talking or be encouraged to Talk Out Loud themselves and thus will still find healing.

I know that it will get better, and that I just have to focus on the positive things! So here’s to being released to drive today and to the gathering that is planned tonight with some of my poetry fam!

Once again, thanks for tuning in while I Talk Out Loud!

gstylzone

It's crazy that I have been feeling blah all this week, and this entry happens to pop up in my Facebook memories. I actually went out today to me up with like-minded people I have never met before, and it lifted my spirit. So it seems the get out and mingle philosophy has worked again to help me get rid of the blahs! #TalkOutLoud Don't #SufferInSilence #EraseTheStigma

gstylzone

It's not about the Outside, It's about the Inside!

The act of suicide has nothing to do with what’s happening on the “outside” of a person, but everything to do with what’s happening on the “inside” of a person. A person can appear to “have it all” in the eyes of those who only see what’s happening around a person, however, if on the inside the person feels as though they have nothing they may suicide as the only solution to the war that is raging inside them.

Having said that, here is how I came to be a suicide survivor.

I was engaged, had just given birth to my son 9 months before, lived in a house that my fiancee and I had just purchased 3 months before, but I wasn’t happy. I can’t say that it was one thing or two things or five things that were making me unhappy, but I can say that I felt like my life was in shambles and that I was making everyone around me miserable. It is those thoughts that lead to me attempting to end my life.

I wasn’t working, my medical had been cut off by the state so I was no longer able to get my medication which I found out about when I only had 1 days worth left, and there were 10 children living in the house with my fiancee and I, and I had only given birth to 3. It seemed as though the children hated me, my fiancee never stayed home anymore, and some woman had just called my cell phone and recited my life and my medical condition to me followed by saying that my fiancee had just left her house and that they had been in a relationship for over a year. I felt like this was all my fault because I had made the wrong choices in moving to a city where I knew no one and had no biological family, the friends I had made seemed to have faded off into the distance after I gave birth to my son, my biological family didn’t think I was important enough to visit after the birth of my son. Essentially in my mind I had no one! No one to hear my struggles, my pain, my loneliness, so what was the point in my hanging around, in living.

So I grabbed what I thought was every remote to the garage, a large bottle of absolute, my car keys and went outside to the garage,and locked the door from the inside. I probably drank half of the absolute before I turned on the car and had a seat on the floor of the garage with the bottle of absolute with every intention of drinking the rest of it. Apparently I passed out before I could finish off the bottle since it still contained about one-third of the bottle when the paramedics brought me to.

While it was a hard struggle to find my self-worth, I found it and I’m so glad that I did for now I am here to Talk Out Loud so that someone else may hear my story and choose a different path; someone else in my same situation my choose life in spite of what is going on within them.

Since my recovery, I have published 4 novels which I have always waned to do; I have recorded 5 CDs of Spoken Word/Poetry one of which is dedicated to Mental Health Awareness in particular Depression and Anxiety both of which I have. I have gotten to see my daughters grow into adulthood and give birth to children of their own, and my son is now 9. I did not marry my fiancee, and I think that was best for me.

Apparently my purpose on this earth hadn’t been fulfilled 9 years ago, and thus that is the reason I am a Suicide Survivor. And if you’re a Survivor too, then your Purpose hasn’t been fulfilled either! Follow your Passion and your Purpose will be revealed!

So take what you need, leave what you must to Survive!

And always, thanks for tuning in while I Talk Out Loud!

gstylzone

This entry is 2 years old, but I'm resharing because of the message that it contains. Someone needs that message today! #ThisTooShallPass

gstylzone

X'ing Anxiety

I know I haven’t “written” an entry in a long time, but I need to write one right now.

Had a MAJOR anxiety attack today after meeting with my son’s teachers this morning. I was under the impression that I was meeting with his English teacher only, however, after my arrival I discovered that I would be meeting with all 4 of his teachers! TOGETHER! AT THE SAME TIME! I was so not ready!

This meeting was for the benefit of my son, right? He wasn’t in trouble, right? We just need to come up with an a plan for how he learns, right? There is no need to be worried, right? WRONG!

For someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder, this is a very daunting situation when you aren’t expecting it. You immediately go into panic mode, and automatically the tears start to flow from your eyes, and you have no way of controlling them. So what do you do?

I took a couple of deep breaths. Chanted to myself, this is for the benefit of my son. I told myself, you got this! Then I had the 1 hour conference with these 4 women who wish to see my son succeed in school and learn what every other 5th grader is learning.

Then I walked to my car. I barely made it the last couple of steps due to the overwhelming shaking that was consuming my body. I couldn’t find my keys in my purse, so thank God for the keyless entry on my Flex. I got in the driver’s seat and let my anxiety have its way for about 2 minutes, then I dried my eyes, blew my nose, found my keys, and drove home.

I won! I didn’t become paralyzed for hours by my anxiety! I handled what I needed to handle! I let my anxiety have its moment! Then I pulled myself together and completed my tasks scheduled for the day! I’m not going to say I was 100% for the rest of the day, but I’ll take 90% over 20% any day of the year! So yes, I Won!

Sometimes you have to let your mental illness run its “natural course” the same way you would a cold! But don’t let it take off like a runaway horse! Keep the reigns tight in your hand, and stay close like an owner walking a head-strong dog! Each time you survive one of these episodes, the stronger you become and the quicker you recover from them!

Hope this helps anyone who reads this!

Thanks for tuning in while I #TalkOutLoud in an attempt to help #EraseTheStigma associated with #MentalIllness.

Take what you want, leave what you need to survive!

Until next time G

gstylzone

Ran across this post and decided to re-share as it is #MentalHealthAwareness Month

gstylzone

Another reshare in support of #MentalHealthAwareness Month.

gstylzone

It's still hard but we must erase the stigma

Talking Out Loud is still hard! I thought after all this time (these past 6 months) that sharing my struggle with people would get easier! Well it hasn’t! The tears don’t fall as easily as they once did, but I still feel them at the edge of my eye lids. And I was talking via text message! Wasn’t even looking them in the face!

Why the confession? So that those of you who don’t/won’t Talk Out Loud will know that those of us who do don’t find it easy to do. We do it because it must be done if we are going to Erase The Stigma associated with depression and mental illness.

There are too many of us suffering in silence and not getting the help/support we need to recover from a bout of depression and learn to survive in mind we live in. Despite what public persona portrays, I struggle daily with my depression and anxiety but I have garnered a great support system as a result of talking out loud to those around me and to the public at large.

So yes, even though it may be hard, I’m encouraging you to Talk Out Loud! You will be amazed at the support system you will build as a result. For sometimes you can’t take care of you and you need someone in your corner who will step up and take care of you! With no disdain! And complete empathy for you during your time of need.

As always, thanks for tuning in while I Talk Out Loud!

Take What You Want, Leave What You Need to Survive!

gstylzone

In support of #MentalHealthAwareness Month, a re-share.

gstylzone

Once again re-sharing in support of #MentalHealthAwareness Month.

gstylzone

Survivors - Helping your friends and family heal

I never thought about it until my 20 year old asked me about, but friends and/or family who were present during/after your suicide attempt need to heal along with you.

I have no idea what is the proper way for this to happen, however, I’m going to step out on a limb and say let nature tell you what to do and when to do it.

I believe my daughter asked me the questions she did when she was ready to hear the answers and ready to heal the “rift” in her mind about what took place 9 years ago (earlier blog entry). So just like forcing a survivor to talk when they’re not ready is probably the same as forcing family and friends to listen when they’re not ready - ineffective!

However, when they are ready, talk them; be honest with them as you are with yourself. Don’t hold anything back, including your tears. It’s the only way for everyone to heal. You probably aren’t aware of the tension that your mind and body are under from not having those conversions with your family and friends. I know I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my mind!

As always, thanks for tuning in to me Talking Out Loud!

gstylzone

This popped up in my Facebook "On This Day", so I'm resharing! #MentalHealthAwareness #SuicidePrevention

Wow! The #blog that was the inspiration for the movie script turns 3 years old today - http://gstylzone.tumblr.com I started writing this blog after a knee injury left me unable to walk for 3 weeks. It was a way to work through my feelings of depression and anxiety, and the feedback I received from some of my followers inspired me to make this film. Too many people #SufferInSilence as a result of the stigmas associated with those with a mental illness diagnosis, and I was using this blog to #TalkOutLoud in an effort to #EraseTheStigma associated with those diagnosis. So in support of #MentalHealthAwareness, Mahogany Red The Movie was born! Happy Birthday Lion's Den! (at G Styl Productions Creative Lab)

#erasethestigma #blog #talkoutloud #mentalhealthawareness #sufferinsilence

#MentalHealthAwareness #SuicidePrevention We all have struggles that we don't share with world, so be kind to everyone you meet for you never know when they have just finished a hard fought battle and won!

#mentalhealthawareness #suicideprevention