Living For Today

This blog will be among the most random things ever, mostly containing whatever is on my mind at that time, I wont promise anything specific because I know I wouldn't be delivering on that promise.

[guesswhokatysue]

Back at it!

I have been doing my daily pulls, well, somewhat daily pulls, but not updating Tumblr because the last time I tried, the site was melting down on me!

Today's card: The Star (Upright)

My Interpretation: All of my books agree, this card is one of hope, optimism, and positivity. I have to agree. It's how I felt when I looked at the card, but it's how I've been feeling, too. There are things in my life that are starting to feel "more on track", leading to more optimistic views of the future.

In one book, it said that this card opposes the Devil. Where the Devil may make you feel hopeless, the Star shines the way, renewing the feelings of hope. It's not the "final answer", there's work to do, but there is now hope where there wasn't.

It also says there may be opportunity to "be the star". I'm nervous about what that could mean, but I'm also excited to find out!

I agree. This card resonates STRONGLY with my own feelings.

[guesswhokatysue]

Grief. Again. So soon.

I don't know what to say, or where I even want to say it. Do I want people to flock to me and say "I'm sorry"? No. But I do want to talk about it, if that makes sense...so this non-populated spot (at least for me) feels like the spot to lay it all out.

So what's going on? More grief. But this is "anticipatory grief". Let's get in the way back machine for a second: March 17, 2019. We had woken up to our dog no longer able to stand. Our 90 lb, sweet, amazing dog. I may have felt this the hardest... he was my soul-dog. I trained hard with him, I played and cuddled hard. Often, he knew how I felt, and I could tell his feelings just by looking into his eyes. We were so connected. But I didn't see this. I didn't see the tumor growing inside him. I didn't see it rupture, or the internal bleeding slowing stealing him from me. On that morning in 2019, I rushed my best boy to the emergency vet. I thought it was fixable. It wasn't. In a blink, I had to make a decision to let my best friend go. Riddled with guilt for not knowing, not giving him his best last day(s), I was (and to an extent) heartbroken at his sudden disappearance from my life. I always said "I wish I had known. I wish I had known and could have given him a good and fair send-off. Not one with fear and pain!"...

Back to present times...our oldest girl developed stiffness, which I thought was arthritis starting up (she's 8.5, so logical). Then the stiffness became a weird limp. She completely would not use one of her legs. After a couple of days monitoring (she would use it here and there, so we thought she was just needing time to take it easy) we called the vet. They thought it sounded like a ligament. We brought her in and magicked our way (somehow, things worked out) in with their orthopedic vet (our original appointment was with the general doc, but something came up and we had to be moved). He assessed her. Saw the weird limp she was trying to hide. Did an xray...not a ligament. Our girl has the worst doggie cancer: Bone Cancer. Our options are pretty shitty, and they are all only affording us a few months at best. So. Unlike last time, I now know. And I can't stop crying over it. We get to give her a bucket list. Give her some special time, spoil her. But the grief is here already. It's not going to lessen. I am preemptively mourning our pup. And when her time is here, I will still be sad. So knowing? The cost is the burden of the knowledge. The knowledge that any day the pain can become too much and that's our last day.

The pain. It's a price we pay for the unconditional love they give us. Their trust. So we pay this price when it's time to let them go. This incredible hurt is what it costs to love a pet. We will do right by our girl. But when I thought knowing would somehow make this hurt less? I was so, so wrong. It rips you apart anyway. A death sentence is a death sentence.

[guesswhokatysue]

Upside down

As usual, there's context I like to overshare before I get down to business on the card/my interpretation.

Last week I was away for a work trip (it may sound glamorous, but anyone who travels for work might know better). It was a busy week, full of 12-14 hour days and being away from family. I will say, I am fortunate to have had a good group of coworkers. We were all tired, but I like to think there were some good memories, too!

Coming home during a holiday weekend is a challenge for me. When I'm tired, I tend to be more emotional/crabby. Since losing my mom, I think it's safe to say I am more susceptible to reminiscing/missing the old days - her birthday also just passed, so it's a double-shot of sad.

I try to make our own holiday traditions (even before she passed away, I did want something special that was "mine" to pass on to my kiddo - along with all the other fun stuff). But the way my dad handles holidays is so hard to stomach. It's like we (being my sister and I) are left out and replaced by the new person's family (and I do like the new person, overall, but it sucks to be no better than an afterthought). Anyway - this leads me into my card for today...I did what I will call a "half-assed" shuffle of the deck, and still, still the cards sent along a message that is meaningful to me.

The card: Six of Cups; Reversed

My takeaway: When I saw a reversed card, I was a bit worried - like I need more bad news! However, I took a look at my several books, and the generally agree that regardless which way the card is drawn (upright or reversed) it is too happy of a card to have a "bad" meaning. I think the gist is a slight warning about being nostalgic in such a way that leaves one stuck in the past. It's a good, gentle, reminder in my current state - remember the fun of the past, but don't dwell there. It's ok to remember, it's not ok to live in the past. I think I've found myself living in the past a bit with relation to family and traditions of years gone by. I want to remember how special the times were, and I get caught up in missing them and being sad that those times are over instead of embracing the happy memories as happy times. The best way I can describe it would be to say that it can be like looking at the past sadly, as if the good times are gone. Which is untrue. This card is a great reminder - there is a lot to look forward to and enjoy! When upright, this card can be "emotional renewal after a time of sadness", which also applies!

[guesswhokatysue]

Wow - take me out of my routine, even slightly, and I go completely MIA! I don't know what it is about my inability to stay consistent, but I do need to try harder.

Before I get into my daily Tarot pull - and I should stop calling it daily since it rarely is happening that regularly - I have to share a bit of reflection/a realization that I came to. There is a place that I've lately been visiting more often (for a good reason). It's a few hours away, so it's not a place I can casually roll up to on any Tuesday afternoon, but when I go there, I can't describe it exactly, but just walking around, taking it in, it fills something deep in my soul. Despite the chaos of a long drive, parking, and general road trip exhaustion, I still return home feeling tired, but full. And I don't really do anything there. I'm not watching a performance, hiking, etc. I'm just walking around and visiting some choice shops. That's it. Yet somehow, I leave feeling more content. It's hard to explain the feeling of a place speaking to your soul like that, but I do hope that you have a place that gives you the same feeling. I didn't realize that this place was it for me until, after several trips relatively close together, I recognized that same feeling was occurring after each visit.

I'm not saying we can only have one of these places in life, I'm sure there are many that have a similar impact. I know I also feel a sense of soul-fullness when I visit a peaceful lake and just sit, listening to the water gently moving against the rocks. I think, for 2023, I need to try and better recognize the places that do this for me, and make an effort to spend more time there.

Ok - on to the Tarot! I was so hesitant to shuffle my "World" card back into the deck. I enjoyed seeing it out as a reminder of the good things. However, I should not use that as an excuse to not seek new messages/meanings!

The card: King of Swords (Upright)

Before I get into the message/interpretation, I have to share a weird funny. I am SO particular when I shuffle, I try to keep all the cards going in the same direction, and today, I didn't. I expect more cards in reverse to make appearances from here forward as a result...EEK!

Anyway - on to the message for today. As with many of the cards, there can be a few interpretations. I ask my cards to help me better understand my day - what do I need to know to better understand what is occurring around me, to me, etc.? For today - the one aspect that jumps out is around my job. With the King of Swords, I am reminded to show leadership regarding decisions or judgements. Clarity and objectivity are important. All I can say is that the timing of this message is on-point. I am, as I type this, in a situation with a member of my team at work. This person is working almost against things, and I am working with our lead on how to navigate this situation for the good of our team. This is my message to slow down. I want to knee-jerk react badly and just "put them in their place", but that's not a leader, and that's not going to help. This reminder is very, very timely.

Another piece that I gathered is that this means to put more focus on the mind rather than the heart. This, to me, simply reinforces my note above. Let's not do the thing that I want to do, the reaction that isn't kind, though it may be just (in a misguided way).

All in all, I hope to take from our King of Swords some leadership and confidence when leading.

Let's see what this day brings, and how well I do using this message to more calmly and logically address a situation!

[guesswhokatysue]

Reinforcement

This might sound silly, but hopefully those who work with Tarot or other oracles will understand and I sound less silly. Today, I tried to focus on putting my energy into the deck as I asked the question "what information should I know/keep in mind to better understand the next few days?". I focused on the energy flowing from my fingers into the deck as I shuffled - and today's card seemed to reinforce my and say louder my card from Tuesday, the Nine of Cups.

Today's Card: The World

From earlier pulls (before I ever posted on here), I recall The World being seen as a VERY happy card to turn up. My resources all agree that fulfillment, achievement, balance, and wholeness are represented here.

I had to dig deep to figure this one out for my own personal message. To me, I am taking it to be that my next few days will be full of contentment. Tomorrow, I head to the office where I will see so many faces I haven't seen in months (or years), and that ALWAYS fills my cup. A stretch further, into Monday, I have a meeting with my leadership team and one of our customers - it's a big meeting and I am honored to be brought to the table even to "listen in". This customer I have been working with for close to a year and a half now, and I feel as though I have done a lot of good with the relationship, but I am aware that this Monday meeting may be "bumpy" and have some tough conversations. I'm taking this card to mean that at the end, we will feel that it was more successful than not.

In my personal life - I am mostly fulfilled (minus the one issue). But at home, I am feeling that we are all working towards a good place. I do feel that contentment when we are all together.

My final two takeaways - the next several days are MINE to make of them. I should not fear failure, and enjoy any rewards/praise that may come my way (I usually tend to shy away from accepting any compliments).

Wherever I am at is where I am meant to be.

[guesswhokatysue]

Embracing Signs

Easily and well-established, we know that I'm not super reliable when it comes to posting, or sticking with my daily Tarot card pulls. I'm trying! Fun fact, while shopping in Salem this weekend, I have now added a THIRD book to my repertoire to help me better find meanings/messages from each card (I think sometimes, though useful to learn, using only a single card can be hard to find the exact meaning when there isn't enough information to put it into perspective).

Today's Card: Nine of Cups

I had to pull from all three of my books to really have this one make sense to me. The gist of this card is good fortune, wishes coming true, fulfillment/enjoyment and other pleasures of life and success.

For me - I was a bit miffed. I don't have any "one true wish" on my mind. While things are going "ok", except in one area/with one person, I don't necessarily feel as positive as this card signifies.

However, in The Ultimate Guide to Tarot, there is a quick blurb towards the end of the section on the Nine of Cups that reads:

"If you are nurturing a new project or idea, the Nine of Cups heralds its growth, so listen to your intuition, make time for the activities that make you happy, and see them flourish. Astrologically, this card is linked with Jupiter in Pisces, which promotes imagination, artisitc flair, and generosity - so it is time, also to share your own ideas. Independence will also be important at this time." (The Ultimate Guide to Tarot, Liz Dean)

So this bit sticks out to me. There was an opportunity to attend a course where a woman shows you how to make a Tree of Life ornament out of wire and gems. I wanted to go, but my schedule didn't allow. As it turns out, the class got rescheduled to a day that I don't believe I have any conflicts with. Instead of immediately signing up, I've sat and thought "do I really want to go?" and other thoughts along the lines of skipping my second chance. To me, this reads that I should sign up - creating things (even if I only make something once) is a huge source of joy! Plus, I need to make time for myself to do these things that I do so enjoy doing. So with that, I hope to get registered for this class by the end of the day, today.

[guesswhokatysue]

Family...

I know - I already said I'm horrid at being consistent. I try, then I get overwhelmed, or I just plain forget. Today isn't one of those days, though!

Daily Tarot: King of Swords, reversed

This is a card that I would've loved to have show up, but upright. It's significant if it's reversed, for me especially, because I try to take great care in my shuffling to avoid this. My unintended clumsiness (that I didn't even realize) is a sign that this message was needed for me.

Unfortunately, my two resources offer minimal insight into a reverse meaning for our King of Swords. However, one sentence hits me a bit...too much for comfort (somedays, it shocks me). "As a person, you may be dealing with someone who plays mind games and who will do almost anything to win" (The ULTIMATE Guide to Tarot, Dean).

AKA someone who may be a bit of a narcissist. Yes, I'm being kind. To avoid spilling all of the family tea on the internet (this is what therapy is for, my friends!) - imagine someone attempting to gaslight their own children into believing their intent for future plans is genuine. Imagine that person being dishonest, but expecting the relationship they have in their mind between you to be unchanged. They ask for your "blessing", but actually already expect it is given. For any dissent would cause an argument as to why you are wrong. (Yes, I'm being vague, but I'm trying to be careful - no need to stir the turd in case a family member somehow stumbled upon this.)

So yes, my card draw is accurate. I am working to remember this is temporary, and things will go on eventually, as the King of Swords is usually a more balanced card. Today the scale tips a bit heavily in the "junk", but soon it will find balance again. I hope.

[guesswhokatysue]

My opponent is: Me

Well, as it were, I fell of the tarot consistency band-wagon early on. HOWEVER - today I am holding myself accountable to pulling a daily card and taking the message from it. So..here goes:

Daily card: Six of Wands

My interpretation - mostly pulling from "Learning the Tarot"

There is a quote that this card involved victory, or triumph, but you don't have to be "beating" someone else in order to get there, you can be triumphing over yourself. And today I need this message. I had major surgery in December, which derailed my exercising (I was feeling pretty proud of the schedule I had been maintaining, and I was enjoying how I was feeling, overall).

I decided today, that I would take a step back in the direction and get back on the bike, literally (we have an exercise bike). Unfortunately, when I woke up, I didn't "feel" like it. I didn't want to put in the effort. I still put on the workout clothes, in the hope that I would get in the mentality eventually. Nothing. So who do I need to beat? Me. I need to beat the side of me content with status quo. I KNOW once I do this small self-guided workout I will feel so much better for it. I will feel like strutting my stuff! This card is a reminder that I can get there again, I can beat myself (I did it for MONTHS before my surgery).

Today, my opponent is me, and I am going to win this one :)

[guesswhokatysue]

Consistency

To try and keep myself consistent, I thought I'd continue to post my daily tarot card here. Even if nobody else reads this, it keeps me honest and gives me insight to look back on

Today's Card: Page of Wants

Using my two references (mentioned in my first post about tarot, yesterday), to sum up what I am taking from the page briefly is that there is a line between confidence and cockiness - it's important to take stock of the situation(s) and evaluate the reaction (are we being confident, or cocky?).

That said - I tend towards cockiness on occasion (not meaning to) and I need the reminder to slow down. Even if I am without a doubt correct, there is a way to go about that without being a jerk! On the. other hand, it's still important to be confident in my abilities and take a risk when it presents itself.

This is a positive card leaning towards courage, enthusiasm and creativity - all of which are going to be taken as good news for the upcoming weekend!

[guesswhokatysue]

New Things

Something I've felt drawn to, almost inexplicably, is tarot. No, I'm not summoning demons, I'm simply putting energy into the deck, and interpreting the card drawn into my own daily experiences. I had been doing one card a day, but I got away from it. Today, I picked it back up.

I use a couple of books to help me find the meaning: Learning the Tarot, by Joan Bunning and The Ultimate Guide to Tarot by Liz Dean

Today's card: The Seven of Pentacles

The loosely interpreted meanings of this card: a "time-out" card intended to signify the moments after a busy season where you pause to think. Possibly meaning a reward that could come your way as a result of your hard work. On the other hand, it can be a reminder to assess and reflect and/or a crossroads.

"The Seven of Pentacles is not a card of endings or final decisions. The game is not over, but only on hold for a moment. Once you've gotten your breath back and checked your strategy, be ready to jump bank in and work even harder than before" (Learning the Tarot)

Interestingly - the second book I use, The Ultimate Guide to Tarot, describes this as NOT a time to pause, but to keep focus and work toward the end goal. Essentially, take heart that soon your hard work will pay off.

Based on the imagery of the card, and the message I feel is right for me, I'm taking it as a time to pause and reflect. Things have been hectic in both work and personal life. It is so easy for me to get head-down and forget to take stock of what is happening around me (or with me/my family). I'm going to use this as my reminder to slow down today and think about where I'm at and where I want to go.

If this feels like it resonates with you, perhaps this was a way to get the same message to you - take a breath, pause and reflect.

[guesswhokatysue]

"It takes a village"

This phrase makes me tired. Not just the "I need a nap" tired, the exhaustion deep inside that a nap, or even going to bed early, doesn't help.

I see the merit of the phrase, I understand that when we have people who we can rely on, it is the most helpful in the world.

Why does it exhaust me so, then? Let me answer with a question: What happens when your village is shrinking when you need it the most?

I still have important people who would absolutely jump in to help (and have) when needed. I know I'm lucky and that this whole thing is coming from a place of privilege. I can't shake it.

Maybe it's grief? My mom was the biggest part of my village and I didn't realize just HOW big until she passed unexpectedly. I have had two years to accept that the village is different, and I can't.

Last night, I had such a negative thought - I was ANGRY that my dad's girlfriend will get to be a part of my kiddo's life for longer than my mom was able to be. I shouldn't be angry! I like this person, and she treats my kiddo (everyone, really) very kindly. Not trying to replace anyone, but being who she is. So why was this the thought? Why could't I think: "I'm so lucky to have someone else added to the village to be there in some way for my kiddo?"

My mom wanted nothing more than to be Grammie to my kiddo. She wanted to be SURE that her grandchild(ren) would remember her and have a relationship with her, and she was robbed of her time.

So I blame grief. I don't hold it against the new person in our lives, as I said, she's very kind to us. I think I'm just still angry that it can't be my mom. In my 30s all I want is my mom, and I can't have her.

When I think of a village, I still picture my mom there, and that's why it makes me so exhausted. I'm sad. Still so sad.

[guesswhokatysue]

History

When so much time goes by, how do you start again? Do you just start fresh, as though the prior posts, feelings, thoughts, etc. weren't there? Do you do so much "this is where my life is now" story-telling that everyone who reads it falls asleep?

I'll keep it simple - 2016 to 2023 has seen life changes. How could such a span of time not? Do I think anyone on the internet is intrigued by the minutiae of those changes? Probably not (I wouldn't be, if we're being honest here).

If I manage to write at any frequency, I'm sure some of the life events will become clear; so don't feel robbed of information. It may come in time, it may not.

Regardless, I'm here. I'm looking for an outlet to share thoughts/feelings/ideas again. Maybe just for me, maybe for others who find themselves in a similar boat.

[just-shower-thoughts]

My Facebook friends are confusing. Last month they were zoo experts, and now they are experts in European diplomacy.

[guesswhokatysue]

Love you all, but my newsfeed has been full of this lately!

[guesswhokatysue]

Trying to "help" wash the bikes 😂

[cinegasmic]

Just some favorite election headlines 

[guesswhokatysue]

Oh boy...

[guesswhokatysue]

True comfort is having a dog snuggled near you ❤

[sandandglass]

The Late Show, February 22, 2016

[tastefullyoffensive]

[video]

[guesswhokatysue]

This kills me 😂