[guiltshadow]

ayyy i’m neekou! she/her, 25. low activity essek thelyss of critical role campaign two.

up to date on cr 1 & 2! spoilers will be tagged. discord preferred for plotting. **dash icon by teaweltzer

other blogs : @faetyd - multimuse

1. RULES 2. VERSES 3. HEADCANONS

[incarnation-of-rasputin]

Constantly reaching

[guiltshadow]

𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒅𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒐𝒇𝒕, 𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒅 ‘𝒐𝒉’?  

the missed opportunity

      this one comes with a pang. it is the wrinkled brow of something unpleasant sinking in. they've left to find some new adventure. or they've met someone else. and you have only just begun to understand their true importance to you. you watch them drift toward a future without you, and in that stark numbness of their absence, it hits you. 

      Oh. oh, you want them close. you hopelessly, selfishly want them all to yourself. you'll support them no matter what, but you don't want them to want a future that doesn't involve you. you want them to read the near-invisible signs of your love and decide to take a chance on you. you never want to say that you used to know each other. so what are you going to do?

tagged by : @widaugast​ tagging : you!

[art-strix]

its not fair

[nudibranchnugget]

The Mighty Nein Smols!

[pixelllls]

oops I meant to post a closeup with that last image - here it is anyway!

[guiltshadow]

@widaugast!

[guiltshadow]

- caleb.

        ❝ I…  think we shall have to step carefully with it, given that we are…  ah, unlikely bearers. ❞  It is not a straightforward answer, but neither is it wholly untrue  —  Caleb may yet have no direct reason to hide from Essek, nothing that the other mage has done to slight any of them, yet even his explanations here and there of what duties he performs for the Bright Queen do not entirely explain what he does.  Nor, of all people, why a sort of intelligencer would find himself in a position somewhere between tutor, guide, watch, and minder.

        Quietly, Caleb nods towards the doorway of the Xhorhaus, where a small rack with a few of their coats and cloaks hang, as well as seven gleaming metals bearing the Dynasty insignia wait to accompany their every step outside.  ❝ Those will help us quite a bit with getting around, but I  —  I hazard a guess that we are all well aware that many of us stick out like sore thumbs. ❞  A pause, and a tapping of his fingers softly against the tabletop, idle but he needs the movement.  ❝ But  —  I believe there is some work that we could provide, as well as resources that could be found in return, given the time. ❞

        Caleb looks away for a moment, to his lap, before he fiddles with something in it  —  hands off the table, back towards himself, where it feels comfortable, natural.  No matter where he is, he has had this body  —  this body, all of these scares, are his, are familiar and known as the coat on his back and the fey cat that winds around the table nearby.  ❝ It's  —  if there are no objections, I believe Beauregard and I would be grateful for a walk through some of your libraries.  To learn more about…  what flaws we may have been given from the Empire that are perhaps not entirely so. ❞

      if anything, essek understands caleb's concern; while they bore the mark of the bright queen, and her word was absolute, that did not mean that many would not find their company to be... distasteful. the drow would keep an eye on the happenings around their abode, as it would do no good for something to happen to them whilst in his charge ( and outside of his realm of knowledge ). he needed to know what, exactly, they knew, though it would be no easy task, from what he understood. the nein had welcomed him into their home, and seemed far more trusting than most that he knew within the dynasty — but that did not mean that they were without their secrets. his lips purse slightly at caleb's answer, and his gaze follows the wizard's to the metal insignias. he nods.

      ❝ your assumption is no doubt correct, ❞ essek replies after a moment, seemingly pondering. the quiet tap of the other's fingers draws his attention, though not for long. whereas caleb was constantly moving, essek was almost entirely still. it made the other man's need to shift all the more obvious. the request brings him from whatever thoughts, and he risks a thin-lipped smile.

      knowledge was both a gift and a danger, he thinks. ❝ perhaps, ❞ he agrees, thoughtful. ❝ you'll understand that there are some sections of the library that you will not be permitted to see. ❞ rather than a request for his understanding, it was a simple statement. while they had all but defected to the dynasty, that did not diminish the mere fact that they were outsiders. essek would grant them a few idle liberties, having started with gifting them their home within rosohna — and such liberties would extend to the library without too much issue, provided they were supervised. belatedly, essek knew that such a task would still fall to him, provided he had the time to do so.

[guiltshadow]

so, i’m alive. i work food retail at a grocery store, so november - december is an absolute shit show. on top of that, i was still working out wedding stuff from october, and i’ve decided that i need to get off my ass and get into shape... so i’ve also been working out ( and binging naruto shippuden like the weeb that i am ).

that leaves very little tumblr time. needless to say, anyone is welcome to poke at me on discord, i’ve just been super tired bc exercise is hard and work is even harder. love you all!

[guiltshadow]

- caleb. 

        If there was one thing the Shadowhand had so far given the Mighty Nein, it was the deeply unexpected  —  indeed, their entire time so far within the Kryn Dynasty could be said to be as much.  The invitation to dinner had slipped from Caleb’s lips before he could truly confirm it or grasp it, pull it back knowing full well the dangers that such a thing might incur, but  —  as a quiet conversation with Beauregard had told, once the wizards had briefly parted  —  it was their opportunity as well.  Be as they may in a new country, the house was beginning to feel like theirs, and all of their minds are keen in different ways.

        The dinner conversation is raucous, playful barbs and anecdotes tossed this way and that over the food, prepared between Caduceus and Yasha, acting as a surprise assistant.  Jester is in full form, peppering the Shadowhand with questions, and Veth and Fjord are tossing their fair amount in as well, largely with their own stories, doled out at varying levels of careful.  Their unexpected journey here, and the perils of Bazzoxan; some of how they had first met, devil toad included, and portions of this and that inbetween  —  manticores and bandits, swamps and long-dusty roads.  Spun out so quickly, Caleb largely listens, tracking what has been shared, what remains partially or entirely hidden.  Thankfully, the extent to which they have…  tangled with the Assembly is left out of the picture.  For now.

        It’s once they are nearly onto dessert  —  a mixture of chocolates Jester had found at a nearby market  —  that Caleb speaks more than a few words, either in agreement or in brief addition.  He fingers his wineglass in the lull, something pulling up the corner of his lips  —  though he does not notice it.  ❝ It  —  ah…  We have more than a few tales up our sleeves, Herr Thelyss.  I believe the welcome here is  —  well, another unexpected journey that has surprised us all. ❞

      it was essek’s opportunity to learn more of the nein, just as they likely considered this a rare moment of gleaning what they can about the shadowhand himself. the drow was confident that he could steer the conversation away from anything that could possibly implicate him in something unsavory — though he was also fairly certain that jester would no doubt prove a formidable adversary when it came to attempting to avoid giving out too much personal information. if everything went according to plan, the other members of the nein would somehow counterbalance her constant, bubbly enthusiasm. 

      naturally, it’s exactly what he expected. jester is a constant presence; even essek cannot help but to shoot a reproachful ( almost panicked ) glance towards caleb on occasion when she began to pry too intensely. nevertheless, it was interesting to hear of their travels. it appeared that they did well to keep themselves at the core of nearly every problem; if anything, it was almost impressive. he does answer a few questions without too many qualms; largely, he details some of tasks that he performs for the bright queen. essek seemed comfortable enough to keep a vaguely professional front. 

      when caleb speaks, essek’s gaze is drawn to him immediately. ❝ so it would appear, ❞ the shadowhand agrees with a brief, polite smile. ❝ i do think you had a considerable advantage, given what you possessed. if you hadn’t returned the beacon, i can’t imagine such a favorable outcome. ❞ there’s a curious note in his voice, though essek brushes it aside as he clears his throat. ❝ you’ve certainly made a name for yourselves. do you plan to do something with your newfound renown within the dynasty? ❞

[guiltshadow]

- caleb.

THIS   IS   A   DISTRACTION   THAT   IS   WELCOME.         it   comes   oftener   and   oftener   these   days,   when   he   and   essek   are   alone   together.      when   they   are   reading,   or   when   they   venture   through   ruins,   or   while   they   eat   their   dinner   in   caleb’s   tower      —      they   end   up   in   each   other’s   arms   more   often   than   not.  

“      we   will   make   your   hair   a   mess   if   we   keep   this   up,      ”            he   says,   nearly   speaking   against   essek’s   lips,   a   quiet   chuckle   and   grin   not   far   behind.  

      essek believes it entirely logical that they spend as time in each other's company as their schedules would allow. there would be moments apart, naturally — now, and in the future, but essek had no inclination to entertain those thoughts for very long. instead, he leans into the touch, finding it very tempting to merely kiss caleb instead of allowing him to continue teasing.

      ❝ you'll fix it, won't you? ❞ and despite his soft words, there's a truth breathed within essek's gaze. it hadn't come easily, given his life before the nein, though trust was now something he gave to his companions without qualms. caleb especially, in the comfort of a shared room. 

[guiltshadow]

@everlightblessing murmured :  “  do you want me to go?  ” from astrid! prompts - accepting.

      the question startles him somewhat; in truth, he had not expected her to draw attention to the thick tension in the room. cowardly, perhaps, though essek had also found it easier to feign a smile while under the threat of conflict — it often disarmed his opponent. violet-blue eyes stare at her for a long moment; his brow furrows in thought before he shakes his head. his fight was not with her. she was not ikithon.

      ❝ it is not my place to say, ❞ essek replies finally, voice somewhat clipped as he clasps his hands behind his back. ❝ i am just as much a guest here as you are. ❞ he pauses, seemingly searching for something, ❝ if you were not wanted here, you wouldn't be. there's little sense in worrying about the semantics. "

[guiltshadow]

- caleb. 

BREATHING   IS   TRICKY   AT   THE   MOMENT.         he   focuses   on   essek’s   hand   atop   his   arm,   and   he   reaches   for   him   with   his   other   hand,   gripping   at   his   hand,   his   arm,   his   jacket      —      anything,   really,   that   will   keep   him   from   toppling.      he   nods,   and   he   holds   onto   essek   while   they   find   a   bench   near   one   of   rexxentrum’s   parks.  

once   they   sit,   caleb   puts   his   head   in   his   hands,   bent   over   his   knees,   pale   and   nauseous.      his   legs   prickle   numbly,   and   there   are   goosebumps   all   over   his   flesh   beneath   his   clothes.      he   feels   that   he   might   be   sick   all   over   his   and   essek’s   shoes   at   any   moment.            “      who   was   he,   who   was   he,   who   was   he,      ”            he   repeats   over   and   over,   only   after   several   moments   realizing   he’s   mumbling   in   zemnian.      no   matter      —      he’s   not   really   asking   essek,   is   he?  

      considering his suspicious nature, essek remains aware of their surroundings despite the sudden, piercing worry that caleb's shift had brought within him. the drow keeps a tight hold on the other, easing him down and keeping a soft hand on the other man's back. he rubs slow, soothing circles while still glancing around occasionally to check for anyone paying them too much attention. to his credit, his keen eyes find nothing because the occasional curious glance from passersby.

      ❝ caleb, ❞ comes his gentle murmur, hoping to ease him out of whatever spiral that the stranger's appearance had caused with the sound of his voice and touch alone. ❝ whoever he is, he’s not here anymore, ❞ he offers. ❝ it's just the two of us. ❞

[guiltshadow]

- caduceus. 

   “ I think I have just the thing for that. “  Light pink fingers pluck a particular blend from the array.  Normally, this was a tea used to calm the nerves of those visiting newly buried loved ones.  It was the kind of tea you had sitting on a pillow on the floor – which made it all the stranger to be sitting in Essek’s sleek and smooth tower.

The crisp sound of boiling water filling the tea pot made Caduceus smile.  He set said pot down on the table between him and the drow, accompanied by two tea cups.  “ You know, this is one of my favorite blends.  Have you ever heard of Madam Hunile? “

      he remains silent after the other's observation, choosing to have a little faith instead of dissect what he was attempting to imply. essek carefully folds his hands in front of him, watching as caduceus works without seeming as if he was attempting to read him. his gaze flickers to the tea cups in silent appreciation; they were very pretty, in his opinion, though the thought goes unvoiced.

      ❝ i haven't, ❞ essek offers a moment, appearing thoughtful. ❝ will you tell me about them? ❞ he found the easiest way to ease his anxiety was to learn — or attempt to do so. he knew that caduceus wouldn't ask if he hadn't intended to share; a soft smile flickers across mien.

[guiltshadow]

- caleb.

TEARS   IN   HIS   EYES,   HE   STILL   SMILES.         how   can   he   not,   when   essek   is   so   himself,   in   this   moment   when   their   selves   cause   pain?      he   reaches,   and   he   cups   the   side   of   essek’s   face,   as   is   so   often   his   way.      he   brings   them   close,   and   he   presses   his   forehead   to   his   partner’s,   blue   eyes   fluttering   shut,   an   exhale   softly   raising   and   lowering   his   chest.  

“      i   do   not   think   i   should   ever   wish   for   a   life   without   you   in   it   .   .   .      in   some   manner.      ”            he   reaches   for   essek’s   hand,   and   he   squeezes   it,   and   the   tears   are   much   harder   to   keep   at   bay   now.      more   than   a   few   are   ready   to   fall   when   he   opens   his   eyes   once   again.  

“      but   .   .   .      i   do   not   wish   to   cause   you   more   suffering   than   may   be   avoided,      ”            he   continues,   choking   on   his   own   words   and   thoughts.      all   he   can   think   to   do   is   hold   essek   closely,   while   he   talks   of   pushing   him   away.  

      his own brow furrows somewhat as his typically poised expression crumples somewhat. he understands caleb's desires, in truth — perhaps he would feel similarly, if their roles were reversed. nevertheless, it is essek who stands on the precipice of that grief, and he does not fear falling into its depths if it meant allowing to keep the other man for a little while longer. seamlessly, he twines their fingers together so that caleb cannot pull away as he might have been tempted to during such a difficult conversation.

      ❝ i would prefer to make that choice for myself, ❞ comes his careful reply, violet-blue eyes surveying caleb's expression with a sadness within his own. ❝ i would take the suffering, caleb. it will be a part of me, just as you are now. ❞ he squeezes gently, hoping to soothe his hurt. ❝ and it is more than worth it. i would not trade our time for anything. ❞ essek pauses then, the first uncertainty flickering across his face, ❝ but i will respect your wishes, when the time comes. ❞

[guiltshadow]

- caleb.

        ❝ Practicality is one of the many ways a spell can be…  can be useful, but not its only way. ❞  And so, too, does Caleb wonder what falls outside of the Shadowhand’s definition of “practical uses"  —  nearly all the magic one might know could be practical or not for a given caster, depending on their life and path to the arcane arts.  What is practical for a warrior may not be practical for the scholar, what is practical for turning time on its head may be different than what is practical to effect the here, the now, in the most unexpected of ways.  It is the difference between words and a sword in a fight  —  which matters more is entirely up to circumstance, to the winds of change.

        At the least, Caleb likes to hope as much  —  he wants to believe, unlike many of those around him, that fate is not as strong a force as one would believe, that perhaps it is not something that even exists.  Such magics as the Shadowhand has now given him, has gifted and, Caleb notes, quietly promises for the future in his unexpected softness at the unspoken desire that sits on the back of Caleb’s tongue, all but promises for the future.

        ❝ I  — ❞  Quietly, Caleb becomes aware of the pause, that he may have been lost to thought and appeared as if he were staring for a moment.  He takes a step back, straightens his tunic sleeves slightly before inclining his head towards the door.  ❝ I thank you, Herr Thelyss.  I am sure you would be welcome a stay, if you should like, for dinner, or  —  or I can lead you out as well. ❞

      it was no surprise that essek's thoughts tended to learn towards those of a scholarly kind. he would prove useful in a fight, as his magical prowess remained vast and excitingly new, but he had never been one to seek out that conflict. instead, the drow shifted towards a battle of wits — the careful push and pull of cleverly placed barbs and quips traded back and forth. there, he was most comfortable. he eyes caleb for a moment, seemingly pondering his words, and then he inclines his head once in silent acceptance of his remark.

      he does not look away, even as the other's attention seems to wane. essek remains, hovering ever so slightly above the ground, and smoothly clasps his hands behind his back. the sweeping sleeves of his shadowhand robes and mantle nearly swallow his form entirely, just short enough to avoid sweeping across the floor as he moved from place to place. there's another pause, this one orchestrated by essek himself. he ponders his options — considering how useful dinner conversation might prove to be to aid him in gleaning their purpose... though he could also imagine wasting much of his time tiredly meandering through small-talk and having nothing to show for it at the end of the evening. 

      the drow weighs his options before he speaks,  ❝ if you'll have me, perhaps. ❞

[faetyd]

 — d&d tonight, bachelorette lowkey hangout tomorrow night, and then bridal shower on sunday. will be pretty much nonexistent for the next three days.

[nudibranchnugget]

I love them :'D

[guiltshadow]

@widaugast​!