Gunil's Laugh

🌹“Just more than I like”🌹

[gunilslaugh]

🌱 Welcome to my garden 🌱

💐 Masterlist 💐

Request currently: < closed >

~Request Guidelines~

🪴I write fluff 🌹and angst 🥀

🪴Please state which member(s) you would like

🪴Being descriptive as possible is preferred (don’t be afraid to tell me exactly what you want. Be as self-indulgent as you want lol)

🪴I DO NOT write smut or suggestive (so please don’t ask)

🪴I’m usually not comfortable with character death, but sometimes I am lol. Feel free to take your chances with it.

🪴Thanks so much have fun requesting!

Anon List: 🎶🎻✨🦕🦋🍄👑🕷️🫧🦊🌺🪐🐳🌟🦭🔮🥁🐝☁️

[gunilslaugh]

hii saw you replying to another emoji anon and just wanna say sorry for not saying anything abt your recent update.. i haven't been opening tumblr a lot cuz i mainly read your works and got a little sad when you took a break but you deserve the rest yk.anyways love your writings❤

-☁ anon

Hii ☁ anon, glad to hear from you :)

It's ok about not saying anything. The main reason I made that post is because I've been cleaning up my blog and I saw my anon list in my pinned post. I was thinking about editing out the anons that are no longer here, but I feel a little conflicted about doing so. A part of me it like if they aren't around then there's no point in having them listed as an emoji anon, but another part of me feels sad about removing them from the list. So I still don't know if I'm going to do it, but I very well might.

Sorry to make you sad with my break :( I remember when I used to post everyday way back in the beginning days of my blog, but recently I just haven't felt like writing. I've been more active on my side blog @twinklingstar1ights It's mainly short stuff, but if you want to read more of my writing I suggest checking out over there :) It just feels easier to post over there right now.

Truthfully I am just into other hobbies these days. I crochet and I've been getting into sewing. (I wanna get good enough to potentially sell my own clothes one day. My skills need a lot of refining and practice, but it's actually been a while since I felt a passion like this. I even named my sewing machine 😂)

However at the same time I do miss being active on here. That might just be me reminiscing the past though. Because like I said I used to be so active on here, so to not be feels kinda weird.

Anyway this has gotten quite long winded, but thank you for understanding. This break and rest has been really good for me. I feel happier these days <3 I hope that you've been well these days too. Thank you for loving my writing that truly does mean I lot to me. Thank you for letting me know you're still here. Much love to you ☁ anon <33

[gunilslaugh]

I just saw your last post. Girly I’m still here just lurking in other fandoms😭

- 🫧

🫧 anon it looks like you're my only emoji anon left 😭. You're the only one who has replied. Thank for sticking around you're a real one. Love you <3.

[gunilslaugh]

if you had to rank all of xdh's albums in order how would you rank them?

Ok here it is a very definitive ranking of xdinary heroes albums according to me:

🖤 Beautiful Minds

🖤 Livelock

🖤 Hello World

🖤 Troubleshooting

🖤 Overload

🖤 Deadlock

🖤 Live and Fall

🖤 Dead And

🖤 Lxve to Death

Please let me know your rankings in the comments :)

[gunilslaugh]

Am I speaking to the void or are any of my emoji anons still out there? I feel like I haven't heard from any of you in forever 😭😭😭

[gunilslaugh]

Heirs VS Hearts

Kwak Jiseok 👑 Summary: You’re a princess, you’re of royal blood. The heir to your kingdom, but the path to ascending your throne is proving to be rocky when you start being unable to ignore your heart's desire.   WC:~7.3k Warning:angst

The country of Moondoria consists of three different kingdoms: Lisea, Thaethia and Leenavia. To each of these kingdoms there is an heir, or next in line for the throne. Prince Jungsu is the one and only heir for the Kingdom of Lisea. Much like you are the one and only heir of Thaethia due to being an only child. Prince Jiseok is the new heir of Leenavia. Taking the place of his older brother prince Gunil who gave up the throne to marry his non-royal blood lover. 

“Why do you look so glum? I thought you liked skill comp?” You ask, coming to sit beside Jiseok. Who you found sitting on the ground at the top of a hill on the outskirts of his palace’s land. He gives you a half smile when he sees you. 

“I used to, but ever since Gunil my parents have been stricter on. I used to like skill comp because I just had to participate. I was never expected to win anything, but now my parents want me to sweep the board.” He kicks out his legs that he had tucked up to his chest. “Want me to get the most points in hunting. Have the best precision in archery. The most refined brush strokes in painting.” His hands pull at the grass beneath his fingers. 

“Please your parents do not expect you to win painting. That’s Jungsu’s category. He’s literally won it every year since he started competing,” you state. 

“Yeah he should really give someone else a turn. Do you think he’ll give me a turn if I ask?” You could see the desperation lingering in Jiseok’s eyes. 

“Probaly not.” You look at him with pity. “It’s also the only skill he ever wins at, so I doubt he’d be too keen on giving it up.”

“Yeah you’re probably right,” Jiseok sighed. 

“But I can miscalculate the wind in archery and leave some pheasants on the ground in hunting. Since points are only accumulated once the kill is in our net,” you offer. 

“You're the best.” He pulls you into a hug. “Won’t your parents be upset if you don’t win though?” he pulled back. 

“I mean yeah, but I won’t get scolded for it. My mother always tells me to just have fun anyway. I’d just have to survive the disappointed look from my father for the few following weeks. It’s not like me doing those things would guarantee you the win anyway. I’m not throwing the matches, just giving you a step up,” you say. 

“You’re right. Still I appreciate it. At least if I lose it can be with a shallow margin,” he voiced. 

“There’s the spirit,” you say playfully. “Now come on. It’s time for us to lose against Jungsu. Painting starts soon.” You push yourself off of the ground. Jiseok follows you up walking alongside you as you make your way back to the palace.

“Gonna paint marigolds again?” he asked you, knowing that you paint them every year.

“Blue ones,” you emphasized. 

“How fancy.”

“Gonna paint daffodils?” you asked, also knowing that he paints them every year. 

“Pink ones,” he emphasized. 

“How exquisite.” The two of you break into a chortle. 

Jiseok and you had been friends ever since you met at Evercrest School Of Royals. You two are the same age. Which meant that you have basically shared every class since the age of five when you started to attend the school. As the two of you grew older rumors about you dating or even forming a marriage agreement spread around. Though they were more jokes than rumors. Everyone knew that your family was a stickler about keeping the bloodline pure. Meaning you could only marry someone of Thaethian descent. Those long running jokes came to an end when Jiseok was crowned the new heir. It was simply impossible for two heirs to marry one another. Because that would mean either A) one of you has to give up your right to the throne of your kingdom or B) combining two kingdoms. If you weren’t the only heirs to your respective kingdoms maybe option A could be a bit more fathomable, but with you and Jungsu being the only children to your kingdoms Kings and Queens and Jiseok being the only other son and now only heir. Any of you three giving up the throne would result in a brutal battle for the throne. Something nobody wanted to witness or endure. Combining two kingdoms is no easy feat either, so romantic love bestowing between heirs was something that could not happen. It was practically forbidden, though left unspoken. 

Countless pairs of eyes fall on you and Jiseok as the pair of you enter the painting room. You spot Jungsu already set up at his easel. You and Jiseok bow politely at the guest and make your way over to either of your respective easels. 

“Alright!” With a clap of his hands the art professor Mr. Leonard started talking. “Now that Princess y/n and Prince Jisoek have graced us with their presence we can begin painting part of skills comp. Our royals will have three hours to paint whatever they please before judging. Time starts now.” He flipped over an hour glass. 

You picked up your paintbrush delicately dipping in the blue paint when it hit you. “Jiseok, Gunil isn’t here,” you said. 

“Our hydrangeas!” Jiseok realized it too. Every year during skill comp you would paint marigolds, Jiseok would paint daffodils and Gunil would paint hydrangeas. You’re not sure why the three of you decided to paint the same flowers every year. Maybe it was because you knew no matter what you painted you would never beat Jungsu. Maybe it was just a fun tradition. 

“What a very sad day.” Your shoulders fall into a slouch feeling deflated at the awareness that your flower trio has now become a duo. 

“Mind your posture princess,” your personal guard, Seungmin, reminded you as he trades the small pot of paint in your hand for a palette full of all the paints you will need. 

“Thank you,” you tell him, fixing your posture. You dip the brush, picking up more blue paint and carefully apply it to the canvas in front of you. “Jungsu,” you called him casually. 

“Yes princess y/n,” he replied formally, making a small smile grace your lips in amusement. 

“What are you painting this year?” you inquired. The hand that held your paintbrush came to a pause as you turned to look over at Jungsu. 

“Wait and see.” The words of his reply appeared teasing, yet the tone he said them in was nothing special and the gentle look in his eyes almost made them confusing. You nod then return your focus back to the canvas. 

“Time is up. Please set your paintbrushes down,” Mr. Leonard said as the final specs of sand slipped through the hour glass. The three of you set your paintbrushes down while palace staff came to grab your works, moving them to where they will be displayed and judged.

“First we have Prince Jiseok’s Daffodils. Followed by Princess y/n’s Marigolds and finally Prince Jungu’s-”

“Hydrangeas.” You and Jiseok chorused upon seeing Jungsu’s work. A beautiful array of multiple colors of hydrangeas ranging from pinks to blues and purples. The two of you look at each other then back to Jungsu’s painting, then over at him where he stood beside you two. 

“In honor of prince Gunil,” Jungsu says, looking at you and Jiseok. 

“They’re beautiful,” you compliment. 

“Definitely another winning piece,” Jiseok stated.

Jiseok was right. It didn’t take long for it to be decided that Jungsu’s piece was the best. Meaning that he has won the painting category once again. You and Jiseok both offered him your congrats.

Soon enough you're being whisked away to change clothes before archery begins. The maids make quick work in swapping your dress for pants and a button down shirt. Along with putting the arm guards on for you and finally they help you step into your boots. 

“Princess y/n are you and prince Jiseok really just friends?” A maid asked you. 

“We’re not supposed to speak to the princess,” another maid scolded her. “I’m sorry your highness she’s new,” the maid bowed to you in apology. 

“It’s alright. Please there’s no need to bow,” you reassured her. “And it’s also alright. I don’t mind being spoken to.” You turn to the maid who questioned you. “As for Jiseok and I, we are just friends, best friends,” you answer.

“I see, apologies for questioning you. It’s just that there has been word that someone saw the two of you embracing earlier this morning before painting took place,” she informed. 

“Embracing,” you can’t help but laugh as you repeat the word. “That was a hug because Jiseok was feeling nervous about today’s skill comp. A friendly hug because friends can hug,” you state, looking at each of the surrounding maids. 

“Oh princess I was not trying to accuse you of anything I was just-”

“I never said you accused me,” you cut off the panicking maid. “I’m just making it clear since word spreads fast around here. That what that person saw was a hug between friends,” you voiced. 

“Yes princess,” all the maids chorused with a slight bow of their heads. 

With that you are escorted out the archery field. The field was still being set up, so went to take a seat in your throne that was next to your mother’s. 

“I’ve heard some murmuring,” your mother says as she leans over close to you. A small sigh deflates you, knowing what she’s referring to. 

“It was only a hug because he was feeling pressured about today. We’re just friends. You know that.” You looked at your mother.

“I know sweetie. I’m just making sure. You know that-”

“Yes mother I know. I know that I can never be in love with Jiseok. He’s not of Thaethian blood and he’s also an heir, but has it really reached a point that I can’t even hug him anymore?” Your voice became an octave too loud. 

“Y/n please, don’t be upset. I was just going to say that you know it’s for the best.” She placed a hand on your shoulder. 

“Yes, I know that,” your voice became soft. Barely higher than a whisper. “And I’m not upset. Just wondering how many times we need to have this conversation.” You were upset though. You’re not entirely sure why. Maybe you’ve grown tired after defending your friendship with Jisoek over the years. Or perhaps it’s because even though you always state that your friendship with Jisoek is purely platonic you know that there are some romantic feelings threaded throughout it. Feelings that had to be repressed, ignored, mislabeled because they could never be acted on. The more you were reminded that they could never be, the harder it became to dismiss them.

“I’m not very keen on this conversation either. However feelings aren’t fixed. They can change, so I just like to know where you’re at,” your mother tells you. 

“Where I should be, so don’t worry. Now please excuse me. I'd like to take a couple practice shots before the match begins,” you dismiss yourself, standing up from your throne. You head over to where the garden is and walk inside it before eventually sitting down on a bench. 

“Why so glum?” Jiseok slid in next to you. Half of a smile adorns your face when you look at him. 

“I’m not glum,” you denied. 

“Evidence says otherwise.” He uses his pointer fingers to push up the corners of your mouth. Which results in you actually smiling and letting out a light laugh as you bat his hands away. 

“Ok fine. I just had a conversation with my mother because she heard ‘murmuring’,” you quoted. 

“Ah about us ‘embracing’. I just had the same conversation with my mother.” He leaned back onto his hands. An almost imperceivable sigh leaving him. 

“Are you and princess y/n really just friends?” It’s not the first time Jiseok has been asked this question, but this conversation with his older brother Gunil about it does weigh the heaviest. 

Jiseok sighs, shaking his head. “Do I really need to have this conversation with you too?”

“Jiseok please. Sit down.” Gunil pats the spot beside him on the bench. The two of them were supposed to be practicing real life object painting in the garden. Jiseok stares at the spot Gunil patted for a moment before sitting down. 

“We are just…friends,” Jiseok stated. However the small pause Jiseok took before saying the final words made it seem like Jiseok was trying to convince himself that the statement he said was true. 

“Ok. Let me ask a different question. Do you have feelings for them? Is there something more there?” Gunil’s eyes hold a steady gaze at Jiseok, meanwhile Jiseok looks away, collecting his thoughts, before turning back to meet his brother’s gaze. 

“That’s two questions, but if you must know. I love y/n very much, but only as a friend and even if there was something more to it I’m not of Thaethian blood. We could never happen anyway.” ‘I’m not of Thaethian blood.’ Those words felt bitter as they left Jiseok’s tongue. Them being the very reason for any romantic flames that Jiseok might have for you getting snuffed. 

Gunil takes a breath before he speaks, “The reason I ask is because I wish to marry my love.” 

“You do?” Jiseok’s tone changes to a much softer one. 

“I do, but you know mother and father. My love doesn’t have one ounce of royal blood in them. They’ll never accept the heir of the throne marrying a-” he scoffs before finishing “peasant.” 

“You want to give up the throne,” Jiseok inferred. 

“Only if you’re ok with it. I know it’s a lot of weight to bear and if you loved princess y/n then I would let go of my love for yours,” Gunil sincerely tells Jiseok. 

“Gunil no.” Jiseok instantly refused. “There are no words to describe how much I would appreciate you making that sacrifice, but it would be in vain. Y/n and I can never be together.” It pains him to say the words, but they’re true. “Loving them doesn’t change my Leenavian blood to Thaethian. A romantic relationship between us can never be permitted. Friends is the highest our title can go, so please go on and marry your lover. I will take your place as the heir for our kingdom,” he tells Gunil. 

So he does love you. Gunil doesn’t say it, but he thinks it.

“They’ve been asking us that question for years. It almost feels like they’ve decided the answer for us,” you voiced. 

“They’re just ‘making sure,” Jiseok chuckles dryly. 

“But I’m getting tired of it.” You exhale, your head dropping back. “Do we have to tell them that we’re just friends for the rest of our lives?” You picked your head back up. Could you ignore your feelings for the rest of your lives? Jiseok looks at where your hand lies next to his. He yearns to hold it. His fingers stretch out to grab yours. 

“The archery field is ready your highnesses.” Jiseok immediately retracts his hand at the sound of the voice.

“We’ll be there promptly,” Jiseok replied to the palace staff who nodded with a bow and walked away. 

“Guess that was our cue,” you say standing up. Jiseok stands up as well, dusting off his pants. 

“Let’s go,” he said. The two of you made your way out of the garden.

You, Jungsu and Jiseok each take your places in front of your rows of targets. Each of you grab an arrow from your quivers, setting up to take your first shots. You blow out a deep breath trying to clear your mind. Your eye locks on the target as you pull the string of your bow back. ‘Do we have to tell them that we’re just friends for the rest of our lives?’ Your words echoed in your mind. ‘Stop it. Focus.’ You shake your head. You recenter your eyes on your target and release your arrow feeling the gust of wind that caress your face. 

Seven. Not bad, not great. At least you told Jiseok that you would miscalculate the wind. It takes a few more shots, more than it should have, before you find your rhythm, hitting bullseyes and tens.

With your faults Jiseok does end up winning archery. You're happy for him, genuinely. Seeing the bright smile shine across his face makes you smile too without even realizing it. 

You don’t have much time to rest after archery, pretty much going straight into the final game: hunting. You walk out into the forest to your starting position. The forest was divided into sectors. Typically for what kind of prey usually resides in them and some kills in a certain sector gives you more points. 

“Are you feeling alright princess?” Seungmin asked you. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” you responded. 

“You just seemed distracted during archery. Like your head wasn’t clear,” he told you. Of course your personal guard knows exactly how to read you. 

“Guess it wasn’t. I sorta argued with mom before the match. Threw me off a bit,” you say.

“Can I pry about what?” he questioned. 

“My friendship with Jiseok. You’ve probably heard wind of it too. That we were embracing this morning,” you say. 

“I’m sure it was just a hug between friends,” Seungmin said. A small smile perked your lips. You spotted a sparrow sitting in a tree. You grabbed an arrow and loaded your bow, pulling it back and releasing in one motion, successfully hitting the sparrow. Seungmin goes to pick it up, putting it into your net.

“It was, but I’m just getting tired of being asked about our friendship. It feels like even when I say that we’re just friends no one really believes it,” you voice. Perhaps you don’t even believe it. You would think that the more you say it the more you would believe it, but instead everytime you say it it feels less true. Everytime you say it, those specs of romantic ashes burn. 

You continue on ranting, innocent prey of the forest becoming victims of your building anger. 

“Oh no leave those there,” you tell Seungmin as he goes to pick up some pheasants. 

“Why? You won’t get the points,” he questioned. 

“I’m creating a shallow margin,” you tell him. 

“What?” His brows knit together. “Oh, you’re giving prince Jiseok a leg up.” He gets it. The two of you continue on. Moving throughout the forest, racking up points. The hunt was going smoothly until you heard a high pitch squeal followed by a distressed shout. 

“That sounded like a boar,” your voice was filled with worry. 

“It definitely was, but there shouldn’t be any boars here. The forest was thoroughly checked beforehand,” Seungmin stated. 

“We should go help,” you say. 

“Princess no, we need to evacuate. You’re not safe with a wild boar running loose.” Seungmin made an attempt to grab your arm to lead you out of the forest. 

“What about the person who screamed? They clearly need help,” you started to walk off on your own. 

“Princess, it's dangerous.” Seungmin tried to stop you again.

“I have you to protect me. Please we have to help. People could get seriously hurt,” you pleaded. 

“I don’t know who’s more pig headed you or the boar,” he grumbled. “Stay behind me,” he ordered. 

It didn’t take long for you and Seungmin to find the person who shouted or more like they found you. Quick heavy footsteps approached the two of you and when you finally meet the person responsible for them you find no other than prince Jungsu. 

“Princess y/n it’s much too dangerous to be here. There is a- a wild boar and-” Heavy pants interrupt his sentences. “It’s not far behind me.” Almost as if on cue the high pitched squeal of the boar rings loud. Seungmin acts quickly, taking your bow from you and an arrow. When the boar comes into his sight he releases the arrow. It hits the boar directly in the end, effectively taking it out. 

There’s no time for you to feel relieved though because you hear the sound of another shout. Only you recognize this shout. 

“Jiseok!” You're running before you can even think about what you’re doing. 

“Princess!” Seungmin calls after you.

Your lungs burn. Everything passes by in a blur. The only thought occupying your mind is that Jiseok is out there somewhere hurt. Your heart thumps rapidly against your chest, fearing the worst. You can’t lose Jiseok. You’ve never got to tell him that you love him. 

“Jiseok!” His name leaves your lungs again. This time as you see him trapped under the wild boar. Bow shoved in its mouth trying to keep it away from biting him. It’s now that you realize Seungmin still has your bow, but you don’t have any time to waste, so you grab an arrow and sneak up on the boar. Piercing the arrow through its thick skin with all the might that you have. The boar falls limp. You’re already by Jisoek’s side before its heavy weight thuds to the ground. 

“Are you ok? I heard you shout and-” Tears fell down your cheeks and your voice cracked. Jiseok brings a hand up to wipe your tears. That’s when you notice the blood. His white button up is drenched in red on the side of his waist. “You’re hurt.” Your hands quickly go to put pressure on his wound. He grunted in pain.

“It’s not that bad. I’m ok,” he tried to reassure you. 

“I can’t lose you,” you cried. 

“You won’t. Look at me,” he told you, but your terrified eyes can’t leave his still bleeding wound. “Y/n look at me.” He forcefully cupped your face with his hands, making your eyes meet his gaze. “I’m not going anywhere,” he spoke firmly. You nodded, choking on a sob. 

“Prince Jiseok!,” Seungmin said in an alarmed voice as he finally caught up to you.

“Seungmin he’s hurt.” You look at Seungmin with distraught eyes. 

“Hey it’s ok. Let’s get him out here. Everything is gonna be fine,” Seungmin spoke calmly. He helps Jisoek stand, having him wrap one of his arms over his shoulder and the other over yours. “Keep pressure on his wound,” Suengmin told you. 

Your return from the forest is met with shouts about getting the doctor. Your mother appears by your side frantically trying to see if you’re ok, but all you can focus on is the sight of Jiseok being carried away. 

Later you find yourself sitting outside of the palace infirmary. Blood still covers your hands, though it’s become dry and crusted over. 

“Y/n, I know you’re worried, but you should at least wash your hands,” your mother urged you. 

“After I know he’s ok,” you said, looking over at the infirmary doors. Your mother sighs, muttering something about finding a maid to ask for a wet towel. 

“You almost look more concerned about my son than I do?” Jiseok’s mother spoke up. 

“He’s my best friend. I can’t lose him.” You stare down at your blood covered hands. 

“Do you believe that?” Her highness asks, making you confused. 

“Of course I can’t lose him! Why would you even say that?” You couldn’t control your outburst. 

“No,no dear I meant when you called him your best friend. Do you really believe that? I know that’s what both of you say, but I also know the way my son looks at you. Before I couldn’t exactly read you, but now. There’s more than just friendship in your eyes isn’t there?” She placed a hand on your shoulder. 

“All due respect your majesty, but what does it matter?” you questioned. 

“Huh?” the queen was slightly taken back by your response. 

“We’ve basically been told since we were kids that we can never be together. He’s not of Thaethian blood, so my parents would never accept him. Plus we’re both heirs with no one else to pass the throne to, so what does it matter? If we love each other or not?” Jiseok’s mother is saddened by your words. Is that really how the two of you thought? That if you loved each other it wouldn’t even matter?

“Prince Jisoek is now in stable condition,” the doctor came out to alert you guys. The hugest sigh of relief floats through your lungs. 

“Can we see him?” you asked. 

“He’s still asleep, but yes feel free,” the doctor said. 

You walk into the infirmary, seeing Jiseok lying on the bed. His side is now bandaged. You approach the side of the bed, eyes raking up and down his sleeping form. Making sure that he really is ok. That he’s safe now. You release a breath you didn’t know you were holding. 

Her royal highness was on the other side of the bed, delicately brushing some strands of hair away from Jiseok’s face. Neither of you say anything for a while, but then she straightens up. 

“I’ll you two be,” she excused herself. 

“Don’t you want to be with him?” you questioned. Shifting your eyes from Jiseok to her. 

“You killed a wild boar to save him. I trust him in your hands.” She looked down to where you had slipped one of your hands into his. You didn’t even realize that you did that till you followed her line of sight. She gave you a small parting smile and made her way to the exit, but she paused at the door. “It does matter by the way. You’re right that in the end you two can’t be together, but that doesn’t make your feelings irrelevant,” she stated. She didn’t even give you time to respond. She just walked out the door, shutting it behind her, leaving you to sit with her words. Even if your feelings weren’t irrelevant, what good could they possibly do? Having them felt like fighting a losing battle. Whether you acted on them or not the result would be the same. There’s no way you and Jiseok could end up together. 

The twitch of Jiseok’s hand makes you forget about all of that. Subconsciously you squeeze his hand tighter. You lean closer when you see his eyes begin to blink open. 

“Hey,” you call him gently. A smile pulled at his lips when his eyes adjusted. Blurriness leaving them as you come into focus. 

“Hey.” His voice was slightly hoarse. 

“How are you feeling?” you asked.

“Ok, a little sore.” He goes to sit up, wincing slightly. 

“Here.” You aid him in sitting up, propping a pillow behind him. 

“Thanks, sit.” He patted the edge of the bed. As you sit down he notices the dried blood that covers your hands. 

“Why haven’t you washed your hands?” he frowned, picking them up and bringing them over to his lap.

“Wanted to wait till I knew you were ok,” you tell him. 

“I told you I wasn’t going anywhere,” he says, fingers wrapping around your hands. 

“I know, but I was still worried,” you said. 

“Your hands shouldn’t be bloody.” His lips drew downwards. His thumb rakes over the back of your hands, some of the crusted over blood flakes off as he does so. 

“It’s fine. I’ll wash them,” you dismissed. You remove one of your hands from his hold. It trails up his body, brushing lightly before it reaches where the bandages lie. Your touch becomes featherlight almost like you’re not touching him at all. Like you’re afraid he’ll break. Ever so slowly your palm flattens against the bandages. Images flashing through your mind of when the dark red liquid soaked poured from the spot. Jiseok brings his hand up, placing it over your own. You lifted your head, your eyes met his.

“I’m ok,” he repeated. 

“That was the scaredest I’ve ever been,” you confess. 

“Me too, but not really because I thought I might die,” he informs. He brought a hand up to your face. The back of his fingers caressing your cheek before tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. His fingers ghost down the side of your neck before resting there. Palm flattening against the warm skin. 

‘Don’t say it.’ You tell yourself as the dangerous words sit on your tongue. They weigh heavy like bombs. I. Love. You. Each word is more dangerous than the last. ‘They won’t do any good.’ ‘It will only hurt.’ You try your best to repress.

“I love you.” He dropped the bombs first. 

“I love you too.” You fired the bombs back. Jiseok pulls you in by the back of your neck. He groans in pain as your palm presses into his injured side, but he doesn’t stop till he feels your lips on his. Then it’s like everything fades away. It’s only the two of you, sharing what had been long repressed. You scoot closer to him on the bed, hands sliding up to his chest then your fingers lock behind his neck. You smile against each other's lips, but tears weld in your eyes. This is all you ever wanted, but it’s also the one thing you can’t have. You pull away from the kiss, hot tears falling from your eyes. 

“Not yet.” Jiseok didn’t let you get far. “Let’s not think about it for a little longer.” He is desperate to ignore the fallout, pulling you towards him once again. Though this time you're leaning in, allowing more of your weight to press into him, to mold into him. Allowing yourself to pretend for just a few moments longer that things could be possible between you two. The hand not holding your back slides around your back. Holding you close. You bask in the feeling of his arm being around you while angling your head to deepen the kiss. 

The crumbling down of your perfect fantasy is imminent. A knock on the door has you two freezing in your places. The reminder of the outside world floods back in. Your heart sinks in your chest. Jiseok presses one last fleeting kiss against your lips. Giving you his best smile as he wipes your tears. 

“Come in!” He called, once you both collected yourselves. It hurt as you moved back away from him on the bed. Putting that inevitable distance between you two. 

“Prince Jiseok, I’m glad to see that you’re awake.” It was your mother, queen of Thaethia. “I knew you still wouldn’t have washed your hands,” she tsked, coming over to you with a bowl of water and a cloth.

“I was gonna do it after,” you say. 

“Give me your hands,” she ordered, setting the bowl of water on the stand beside the bed. She dips the cloth into the water and brings it to your dirty hands. She gingerly wipes the blood off of your hands. 

“Did you notify the doctor that he woke up?” your mother asked. 

“I told her to wait. I wanted to rest a bit first,” Jiseok spoke up. Your mother nodded. 

“That’s understandable, but you still need to be checked, just to be sure,” she said. “Go notify the doctor,” your mother told the maid who was standing by the door. 

“Right away your highness,” the maid bowed before leaving. 

“There, all pure again.” Your mother rests the now red cloth on the side of the bowl. Your stomach turns at her use of the word pure. Obviously your hands weren’t clean before, but her saying the word pure made it feel like she was saying Jiseok’s blood was one of the filthiest things. Her use of the word must have unsettled Jiseok too, feeling him shift beside you. You want to reach out to him, give him some kind of comfort, but you could already see the disapproving look your mother would give you if you did. All you can do is look down at your freshly cleaned hands. The remnants Jisoek washed away. It’s not like having his blood on your hands was good, yet a part of you felt like that was the longest he had ever been with you. Even with your long years of friendship the two of you couldn’t be too close without rumors flying around. Yet with those hours of having his blood on your hands no one ever said a thing about you two. 

“You two should bid your goodbyes. It’s more than past time for us to head home,” your mother says, gathering the bowl and towel. “Meet me at the carriage,” your mother told you as she exited. At the sound of the door clicking shut Jiseok wasted no time in his hand finding yours. Neither of you want to say goodbye. It’s written all over your faces. Despairing looks harboring your eyes. Jiseok wants to ask you to stay, but he knows it’s not possible. Just as you want to stay, yet also know it’s impossible. 

“I should go.” You should go, you need to, but your feet feel anchored to the floor. Reluctant to move. Your brain fighting with your heart. 

“Yeah you should. The doctor will probably be here soon.” Despite both of your words neither of you move. Not wanting to pop the fragile bubble, the puny hope you two hold onto you. 

“I can’t go if you don’t let go,” you say referring to his hand that securely keeps you two together. 

“You’re holding on too.” It’s true, you’re both holding on. Trying your best to protect that spark of flame that stands no chance for oncoming tempest. 

“We have to let go.” Your throat feels tight. You want to convince yourself that things won’t change. That when you walk out of that door you and Jiseok will still be ‘just friends’, but both of you know that’s not true. You two crossed the line and there was no going back. All of those repressed feelings exploded. They fired up through the surface and they won’t be buried again. 

“We have to, but I don’t want to.” He grips your hand tighter and you do the same. 

“I love you,” you fire them first this time. 

“I love you too,” he fired them back. It amazes you how such happy words can feel like bullets to your heart. Still you smile. It’s the most painful smile and it shines with beauty. Jiseok smiles that exact excruciating smile back. 

“See you soon.” You refuse to say goodbye. You can’t. You won’t.

“See you soon.” He won’t say goodbye to you either. You stand, hand still clasped onto his. You have to let go. He has to let go. You each have to let each other go. When the grip of your hands finally snaps, so do the strings of your hearts. Each step you take away signifies a break of your hearts. 

By the time you reach the carriage you were numbed by all the pain. Staring blankly at one of the sides of the carriage. You don’t remember the ride home or changing into your night clothes or getting into bed. Suddenly you're just staring up at the canopy that hangs over your bed. Face stained with tears, pillow wet from them. 

The endangerment of all three of you heirs lit a fire under all three of your kingdoms. There was no rush for your coronations before. Yes you were all of age, but there also wasn’t any posing reason for you guys to step into your leadership positions. All of your parents agreed on it being nice for you three to enjoy more of your lives before stepping up to run your kingdoms. 

However now, after the incident that took place on skills comp days all of your parents were rushing to set coronation dates. Though it wasn’t only coronations being brought up and sorted, marriage was being discussed as well.

“Father, Mother, please can stop with the marriage talk,” you begged. 

“Y/n, once you’re queen you need a king. You need a new heir,” your father insisted. 

“Can’t we just cross this bridge later? I don’t want a loveless marriage.” You didn’t want a marriage at all actually. Because the only person you wanted to marry was the one person you can never be with. 

“I know you don’t like the idea of an arranged marriage, but I promise sweetie I will find you the best husband. You know your father and I were an arranged marriage. It was a learning curve to say the least, but we truly fell in love. The same can happen for you,” your mother tried to persuade. 

“No, it won’t,” you state. 

“Y/n please. We’re trying really hard to create a happy future for you. You have give us a little,” your mother looks at you with pleading eyes. 

“But I know that I won’t fall in love with whoever you say is fit to be my husband,” you say. 

“And why’s that?” she asked. 

“You know why,” your voice became soft, unstable. “You kept asking because you never believed my answer, right? I guess you were right not too because no matter how hard I tried to bury and snuff these heart wrenching feelings, they still found a way to persist. I’m in love with Jiseok and I’m never gonna love anyone else. I know you will never grant our marriage and I’m not asking you to, but please don’t force me to marry someone else.” You dropped down onto your knees. “Please, let’s just figure it out later.” You can’t hold your tears. Your parents' hearts sink at the sight of you. You looked so helpless, so pained. For a moment it makes them wonder if they’re doing the right thing, but only a moment.

Prince Jungsu is the first wedding to take place out of the three of you. It was a beautiful wedding. One that made you want to believe that love could be beautiful, grand, full of happiness. 

The feeling of someone grabbing your wrist and tugging you away from the reception almost makes you shout for help, but then you realize that you recognize the warm palm encasing your wrist. 

“Jiseok,” you say his name like you can’t believe he’s there. You two hadn’t seen each other since that night where he laid in the infirmary. He’s guiding you over to the altar where Jungsu recently wedded. “What are you doing?” you asked. 

“Let’s play pretend. One last time,” he voice waivers. He kneels down onto one knee. 

“Jiseok-” Tears cloud your eyes. 

“Will you marry me?” He pulled out a ring box, displaying the most beautiful ring. You know that you can’t, but right now when it’s only the two of you. In your own little fantasy bubble. 

“Yes,” you sniff. He takes the ring from the box. WIth shaky hands he slides it onto your ring finger. Placing the most tender, loving, kiss over it. He then stands back up, holding your hands in his. 

“Princess y/n do you take prince Jiseok to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Jungsu walked up to the altar. 

“Jungsu? What are you doing here? People are going to notice your absence, no?” you state. 

“Then don’t keep him waiting.” Jungsu glances over to Jiseok, who’s staring at you with the most loving eyes in the world. 

“I do” You squeeze Jiseok’s hands. 

“Prince Jiseok do you take princess y/n do be your lawfully wedded wife?” Jungsu asked. 

“I do,” Jiseok answered without missing a beat. 

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.” Jungsu takes his leave while Jiseok pulls you in. This is going to be the last time he gets to kiss you, to hold you, to be yours, so he pours all of his emotions into the kiss and so do you. The two of you only part when the need for oxygen burns more painfully than your love for one another. After you part he holds you in his arms like he never wants to let you go because he doesn’t. You wrap your arms around him with the same intensity. Neither of you are showing any signs of letting go. You're forced to part when more people come outside. Popping your bubble of solitude and sending all the pain rushing back in. 

A few months later you hear news of Jiseok’s wedding. It breaks your heart all over again. Though you figured he must have known at Jungsu’s wedding that his wedding was set in stone. No matter how much he didn’t want it. That’s why he wanted to play pretend one last time. Still it didn’t make it hurt any less. Feeling like shards of glass were repeatedly piercing your heart. 

You didn’t attend Jiseok’s wedding. You couldn’t. It would have hurt way more than you could have handled. It was for the best that you didn’t attend though because Jiseok wouldn’t have gotten married if you did.

With each passing day your parents become more instant on you finding a husband.

“Y/n you’ve been queen for almost a year. The people of our kingdom are talking, asking when you’ll wed. When you’ll birth the next heir,” your father tells you. 

“Let them keep wondering.” You still didn’t have any intentions of marrying. Even after knowing Jiseok was wedded to another. You couldn’t get over him and you know you never will. You know Jiseok is the same. Even if he was forced into a marriage, you’re the only one who will own his heart. 

“Princess, I know you don’t wish to marry, but how about it be me?” Seungmin proposed to you one night. He was comforting you like he has for over the past year. When after masking your seemingly never ending heartache for the day came to an end. 

“What?” you looked at him with your tear stained face. 

“I don’t expect you to love me. In fact I know that you never will. Not romantically at least, but can I take care of you like I always have?” he asked. You felt like you were betraying Jiseok as you nodded your head yes,

You and Seungmin are wedded in the winter of the following year. When Jiseok heard of the news he also felt the pain of his heart breaking all over again. He tries to comfort himself, knowing that you’ll be well taken care of. In some ways he’s happy that you wedded Seumgin. In other ways he was more envious than he thought imaginable. 

Jiseok didn’t attend your wedding. He couldn’t. It would have hurt way more than he could have handled. It was for the best that he didn’t attend though because you wouldn’t have gotten married if he did. 

Jungsu’s wedding was the last time you and Jiseok ever saw each other, but your minds constantly go back to that night. You two standing at the altar saying your I do’s. Mentally the two of you live there, dreaming of your happily ever after that will never come.

taglist: @purplelady85 @gingerjunhan @chewednails @ezlynkisses @mon2sunjinsuver @mxlly143 @seungseung-minmin @junhanism @bee-the-loser

And @xhoe4life since they're the one who requested :)

[gunilslaugh]

Ok I actually really popped off with this fic

I should write more royal aus 👀

[gunilslaugh]

✨ Moot Game ✨

I was tagged by @devilish-meangadh :)

last song: Sleepwalkers’s Waltz -Javier Escudero

last movie: Barbie as The Princess and The Pauper

last book: I mainly read fanfiction 👍 (I believe the last book I read was Birth In Eight Cultures. Which was about 2 years ago…)

last series: Veil Of Shadows

last video game: I play mahjong on my computer

last thing I ate: kiwis 🥝

Tagging @amelee23 @xhfics @gingerjunhan @apricottulips (no pressure just for fun)

[gunilslaugh]

It’s my 3 year blog anniversary!!!

I almost can’t believe that my blog is 3 years old. The time has truly flown by. I want to thank you guys for all of the support you’ve given this blog. I truly, deeply appreciate it <3

I also would like to apologize for my inactivity this year. I mentioned in a prior post how I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this year. I believe that this year is a year of growth for me. I’ve rediscovered parts of myself that I had buried away. Now it’s time for those parts of me to bask in the sunlight. I want to be my true authentic version of myself and not the version of me other people think I should be.

I’m stepping into a new chapter of my life and I can’t wait to explore it. However I’m not sure how writing fits into this new chapter. Because truthfully writing has not been on the forefront of my mind for a while. Your hobbies change. I don’t think that I will completely stop writing, but I think it will be inconsistent. That does make me sad because I played a big part in building the xdinary heroes x reader side of tumblr, so the thought of not actively being a part of it makes a ping of sadness resonate in my heart. However, I’m definitely getting my spark in life back :] I’m getting my sparkle on. (If you understand that reference you’re a real one.)

Anyway thank you my lovely dear readers for 3 great years and thank you so much for over 700 followers!!! I never imagined that I would reach that many of you. I may not know exactly what the future of this blog is, but please stick around and keep supporting me. You’ll never know when I’ll pop in with a new fic.

[gunilslaugh]

Hello my lovely dear readers,

Long time no talk. (I know I recently uploaded my To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before Long Version, but putting that aside lol)

As you guys know I’ve been on hiatus since January and when I initially went on that hiatus I had no idea that it would turn out to be this long. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and self-reflecting these past couple of months.

I know you guys don’t know this about me since I’m a Xdinary Heroes blog, but I am actually an NCTzen have been since 2016. Dream were my ult group for a while. I remember when they first debuted I was so shocked by their ages since they were close to the same age as me. Anyway I truly felt like I grew up alongside the dreamies. Despite the fact that I haven’t been that into NCT in recent years the news of Marks departure has really struck me. Like what do you mean NCT U Mark Lee, NCT 127 Mark Lee, NCT DREAM Mark Lee, is leaving???

I’m so proud of him for it though, as shocking as the news is. When I read his letter I felt so bittersweet mainly because I understood him so well. Specially the part where he talked about having a dream to do music, but didn’t know exactly how to fully picture it. Even more so when he talks about how now he wasn’t sure if this was his dream anymore. That he wants to dive in and devote himself to finding out what that dream might be and make it happen. As I stated above I had been thinking this past few months and those words that he said were basically the epitome of what I had been thinking about. I don’t think the path I’m walking down right now is the path I want to continue down. I want to change my career and I want truly live as the most authentic, best version of myself.

So I want to thank Mark for leaving, for choosing himself. Because I think it’s time I choose myself too. As much as I’m going to miss him, I’m just has happy for him and will continue to support him on his new chapter in life. I hope he gets the best, most restful sleep of his life because he more than deserves it. I hope he eats fried chicken without any worries, but most of all I hope he’ll stop feeling guilty over his decision to leave, because even though his decision may hurt he’s done nothing wrong.

If you’ve read all of this thank you so so much <3 I kinda have more thoughts to share but I don’t want to make this post any longer than it already is so I’ll just end this with

xoxo hopefully I’ll be back with new fics soon :)

[gunilslaugh]

To All The Boys I've Loved Before Long Ver.

Featuring: Goo Gunil, Kim Jungsu, Oh Seungmin, Han Hyeongjun, Kwak Jiseok & Lee Jooyeon. Summary: You wrote a letter to every guy you’ve had a crush on. There were six letters in total. They were never meant to actually get sent out, but one day they do and it changes everything you thought you knew.  WC: 17k  Warning: small angst parts. 

Prologue

A crush: a state of intense infatuation, a strong romantic interest or attraction. Most people have one at some point in their lives. Feeling the butterflies dance in your stomach whenever they’re near. Yearning to be around them, but also feeling too nervous to approach. Daydreaming about them before you go to sleep at night. Sometimes going as far to do things that you will definitely find embarrassing later, just to impress them.  You have had six crushes total. Each boy stealing your heart in their own unique way. 

First there was Goo Gunil. A guy you went to high school with. He was a football player. Not a stereotypical cool and popular one though. Granted he did have a lot of friends and was friendly to everyone. He had a radiant smile that lit sparks inside of you and a laugh that was funnier than any joke that was being told. 

The way you met him was pretty cliche though. You were walking by the school field when a stray football came hurtling towards you. It hit you in the head so hard that you fell down, injuring one of your knees. He came over uttering a million apologies and once he saw your bleeding knee he didn’t think twice before putting on his back and carrying you to the nurses office. That’s when your crush on him started feeling the butterflies dance in your stomach. A sensation that fluttered into your heart as he insisted on holding the ice pack to your injured knee. 

Unfortunately your crush on him would fall short when you witnessed him get together with a cheerleader, one from your rival school at that. Still the memory of him makes your heart feel warm. You like to think of him as your first love. 

Second came Kim Jungsu. The two of you were assigned to do a project together. He was so kind and attentive that it was impossible to not fall for him. However you weren’t the only one to fall for the sweet boy. Your friend also fell for him and when she told you about her crush on him you made the decision to push your feelings aside. You even helped the two of them get together. An action that ultimately leads to your first heartbreak. It was only after seeing him being happy with your friend that you realized how much you liked him. By this time there was nothing you could do about it. 

You sacrificed your heart for your friend. Found out just how double edged the sword of selflessness is. Later when you and friend drifted apart. Your friendship fizzling out, you think you hated your selflessness even more. You broke your own heart so that your friend could be happy only for them to not even be a part of your life anymore. Still you found a way to make peace with it because you got to see pure happiness on Jungsu’s face and that made you happy too. 

Third, there was Oh Seungmin. Your first boyfriend. The first time one of your crushes didn’t end in disappointment. Arguably he probably is your real first love, but maybe due to the way your relationship with him ended you're a bit reluctant to admit that. 

Seungmin and you got together around the middle of your first year of college. He showed you all the happiness that being in love with someone can bring. You delusionally dreamed of him being your first and last. 

Then you got hit with reality when he showed you all the sadness and heartbreak that being in love with someone can bring. He cheated on you. You thought that the heartbreak you felt for Jungsu hurt. The heartbreak Seungmin gave you hurt so bad that it didn’t hurt. Not at first at least. His betrayal of your love left you feeling numb, almost zombie-like. Though after a while your heart healed and now you’re content with having loved and lost him.

Fourth, the cute quiet guy who lived across the hall from you, Han Hyeongjun. You just finished your second year of college and moved into an apartment that was near the place you were interning at for the summer, but also wasn’t too far from your college. 

He didn’t seem to have any interest in you, but that didn’t stop your heart from being interested in him. Your conversations with him were short. You loved all of them though. The pure glee you would feel run through your veins whenever you two ended up in the elevator together always put a smile on your face. 

Your crush on him would end up being short lived though. Your best friend came across the perfect apartment for you two to move into together, so you ended up having to say goodbye to Hyeongjun. It felt a bit bittersweet. All your attempts to grow closer to the quiet guy across the hall never worked out. The small smile he gave you when he told you goodbye though is a memory that you will keep in your heart forever. Because it told you that maybe all your efforts weren’t in vain.

Fifth, Kwak Jiseok, your brother’s best friend. You hate how cliche it is and you were never supposed to like him. In fact you were supposed to be the last person who would ever fall for him. You had known him for many years and had grown decently close to him. Close enough to even call him a friend of your own. He was never someone you would have romantic interest in though. Not when you saw him having a new girl on his arm every week and witness all of his flirting. Sometimes even being the victim of it. Not that it ever affected you. His flirting was always something that you could brush off without a care in the world. 

That was until the photoshoot that is. That stupid, heart fluttering photoshoot. It just had to be coupled themed. He just had to hold you in his arms, feeling all too intimate. It just had to awaken something in your heart. You just had to realize in the perfect timing for the flash of the camera to capture it, that you liked Kwak Jiseok. 

All those boys lead you to your sixth crush, Lee Jooyeon. You actually first met him in high school due to mutual friends. He was another boy who you would never have imagined yourself falling for. He was your frenemy. A person who you couldn’t talk to without bickering. There was no way you would ever have feelings for someone like him. That was until the two of you got lost in the woods together. Ironically enough it was a trip you went on so that you could avoid Jiseok and whatever newly discovered feelings you were feeling for him. That’s besides the point though because as you spent all those hours lost with Jooyeon the two of you got to talking and found out that the “enemy” in your two’s frenemy relationship wasn’t all that necessary. 

In fact you actually came to find that the feeling of his hand holding yours actually felt right. Which also ends up sending your head into a bit of a spiral because just days ago you wanted to smack him upside the head. Now you miss the feeling of his hand against yours and your heart wants you to be close to him. Truly what a tangled mess your heart has become. 

To each of these boys you have written a letter. A letter expressing your love or how they made you feel. 

💌 The Letters 💌

Gunil’s Letter : 💌

Dear Gunil,

I jokingly like to say that you are my first love. I hate how cliche it is, but that day we first met because you accidentally hit me with a football. It was pathetic how my heart fluttered when you carried me on your back to the nurses office. Though when you stayed to hold the ice pack on my injured knee maybe the feelings stirring in my heart were justified. 

Did you know that day in junior year physics when we picked a number out of a box for our assigned seats you were actually supposed to sit next to Jooyeon, but I forced him to switch numbers with me so that I could sit next to you. I think the real miracle is that he never spilled the beans about my crush on you. Physics wasn’t even that good of class. Ms. Kim literally read the textbook then told us to figure out the rest, remember? The classroom smelled like cheap wax candles too, but I was also so happy to go to physics cause it meant getting to see you. We would always end up laughing over trying to figure out which formula we were supposed to use. 

I was actually thinking about confessing to you. However I watched you get with someone else before I could. It was the last football match of the season. Our school versus our rivals. I was gonna confess to you before the game, but I chickened out. I was determined to ask you after though. I was making my way down the bleachers after the game when one of the cheerleaders from our rival school started walking across the field. I could see that she was carrying a sign behind her back. It almost felt like everything was in slow motion as I watched her pull out the sign from behind her back. “Be my boyfriend” it read and she was confessing to you. I can still hear your teammate’s voice yelling, “He said yes!” Though as you walked off hand in hand with her I can’t say that I felt heartbroken. Just like I missed out. That you’re the one who got away. Or maybe I was stupid to think that all our laughter in physics meant anything. Maybe I was wasting my time when I read all those books you liked, just so I could talk to you about them. 

Still if anyone ever asked who my first love was I’ll say it was you, Goo Gunil. A guy who's warm back and caring eyes I’ll never forget. 

Your old physics partner,

Y/n

Jungsu’s Letter: 💌

Dear Jungsu,

Where do I even begin? I guess you made me realize how much I’m willing to sacrifice for my friends. Because when I helped set you and y/f/n up I actually liked you too, but I saw how much she liked you and decided to give you up. I think you were actually my first heartbreak. Because when you and y/f/n finally got together I felt my heart shatter into pieces, but I could only wear a smile of happiness on my face. I only realized how much I liked you when I couldn’t have you.

I think the fact that y/f/n and I aren’t even friends anymore makes it worse. I sacrificed my heart for her just for us to end up as strangers with memories now. I can’t say that I regret it though. Because I remember how bright your smile shined when you were with her. I think that was a happiness I never could have brought you. Yeah, it hurt like hell, but if I could go back I would make the same decision or maybe I wouldn’t actually. 

I feel embarrassed to say this, but it’s not like you’re ever gonna see it anyway. Sometimes I think about if I didn’t let you go. If instead I told my friend that I liked you too. If I confessed to you would things have turned out differently? If you had to pick between me and her, who would you have picked? Actually you wouldn’t have picked. You would have rejected us both because you wouldn’t have wanted to affect our friendship. You were that kind of person. That’s what made me fall for you. How kind and considerate you were. Anyone who has you in their life is so lucky Jungsu and I hope that you know that.

This might sound weird to say, but you somehow managed to teach me a lot about myself, so thank you for breaking my heart. For showing me how strong feelings of love really are. On multiple fronts. Thank you for being the sweetest guy I ever met. I know you probably never thought about me in the way I thought about you. I just hope that if you ever happen to hear my name or think of me fond memories appear in your mind. Because even if my heart once ached over you, I can’t think about you without smiling. That’s how much I liked you Kim Jungsu.

The girl who liked you silently,

Y/n

Seungmin’s Letter: 💌

Dear Seungmin,

Seungmin, you were my first boyfriend. Probably my real first love. You also reminded me of the pain of heartbreak. When we first broke up I used to hate myself. How could I have just watched as you fell out of love with me and in love with her. In retrospect I really don’t understand myself. I held onto you for so long, yet didn’t actually make an effort to keep you. I guess I just wanted you to choose me. I shouldn’t have had to tell you “Hey why are you staring at her like how you used to stare at me?”

I’ll never forget the day that we broke up. I don’t know if you know that your friend came over that morning to tell me that he saw you kiss her. I didn’t move from that spot on the couch. I sat there all day until you came home. I felt so…numb. I wasn’t even surprised at what your friend told me. I wasn’t mad either. The pain came later, after you walked out the door. I was reminded that the word heartbroken is quite literal because that’s truly how my heart felt. 

Somehow I don’t hate you though. Granted I did for a while. Now though, no, I don’t. You were my first boyfriend, my first real relationship. You showed me all the ups and downs of loving someone. I hate how we ended. I think we both do though. I do believe that you regret it, but it was still something I had to draw the line at. 

I saw that you liked my post on insta a while ago. You quickly unliked it, but I still got the notification. I kinda like knowing that you stalk my page though. I won’t lie, I've checked yours from time to time too. 

It’s really weird, but I think if I saw you on the street I would smile at you. Just so you know that I’ve moved on and that I don’t hate you.

Oh Seungmin, at one point you made me the happiest I had ever been and at another you made me the saddest I had ever been. Thank you for the experience though, it was beautifully tragic. 

Your ex,

Y/n

Hyeongjun’s Letter: 💌

Dear Hyeongjun,

Cute quiet guy who lived across the hall. That was my first impression of you. Actually I quickly took an interest in you, but you never seemed to be interested in me. Anytime I tried to talk to you, your responses were short, sometimes blunt, even cold. I never let that get to me though I was determined to get closer to you.

I made you cookies one time. I lied and wrote on the note that I accidentally made too many. I made them with you in mind though Hyeongjun. Maybe I thought I could bake my way into your heart. I was quickly proved wrong though as I watched you take them from your door without as much as a smile on your face. Still I would not let myself be discouraged. Persistence is key right? I just have to keep trying. That’s what I thought.

When I found my new apartment it was actually hard to move away from you. That sounds so silly because we weren’t even close. In fact I kinda thought that you hated me. That I was your annoying neighbor you probably complained to your friends about. I just really had my hopes up that we could be something. 

Pleasantly enough though I found that I didn’t annoy you. “I don’t think you are. Have fun at your new place.” That was the most words you ever said to me and I’ll always remember them. Just like I’ll always remember the small smile you had on your face when you told me goodbye. 

It was such a trivial crush I had on you, but I was happy. I got giddy whenever I saw you. I really did want to get closer to you. I feel regretful that I couldn’t get past your gates. You were so close, literally right across the hall, but you always felt so distant. 

You know what though? If anyone ever asked me who was the best neighbor I ever had, the answer would be you. Han Hyeongjun, the cute quiet guy who lived across the hall from me. 

The girl who used to live across the hall,

Y/n

Jiseok’s Letter: 💌

Dear Jiseok,

Jiseok I hate you because you made me fall into the stupid cliche of a girl who crushes on her brother’s best friend. I don’t even know how you managed to do it. I remember all the times you flirted with me in the past and I never cared. Couldn’t even be bothered to bat an eye at it. I choose to blame that couple photoshoot we did. Because I swear I never thought about you like that before. There was just something about that shoot about the feeling of being in your arms. It’s like everything fell into place. Suddenly my heart was beating faster and I had to fight off a blush from consuming my face. We were only supposed to be playing a couple, so why did it feel so real, so intimate. 

That fact that there’s a picture that perfectly captures the moment I realized that I liked you. It makes me wonder, when did you sneak into my heart? Was it when you said you retired from flings and wanted to find a serious relationship? Or maybe every time you covered me with a blanket when I was sleeping on the couch you crept, snuck, bit by bit into my heart.

Speaking of me sleeping on the couch. Did you know that half the time you covered me with a blanket I wasn't actually asleep. I was just too comfortable to move or was procrastinating doing work, so I would just lie there with my eyes closed. 

Anyway I’m not quite sure how to act around you now. I’m supposed to be the last person who would fall for you, but now I daydream about being in your arms again. I’ve thought about asking y/f/n to pair us up for another photoshoot, but that would definitely make her raise a brow. I guess I can only hope for a situation where we get paired together again. 

I don’t know how I went so long without noticing how pretty your eyes are. I just want to stare at them, see the sparkles in them. Also I know I made fun of your cotton candy hair back then, but as I was looking back at the photos of you (because apparently that’s something I do now) with it. You actually pulled it off. 

Anyway I know I’ve lowkey been avoiding you since the photoshoot. I don't know how long it will last, but I hope we can talk like we used to one day.

Your best friends little sister,

Y/n

Jooyeon’s Letter: 💌

Dear Jooyeon,

Falling for my frenemy was never on my to-do list, but then we got lost in the woods together and everything changed. We realized that we didn’t really have a problem with one another. They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin, maybe we just got our sides mixed up. 

Seriously I never thought that I would hold your hand without wanting to saw off my own. The feeling of your hand in mine just felt right though. My hand even felt empty after we finally let go. It was as if I could feel the ghost of your hand still holding mine. 

We’ve never addressed the change between us though. We don’t fight like we used to, yet we’re also not really talking. Maybe we can have a normal conversation when our lives are at stake. Maybe fighting really is just our communication style. It’s weird. I never anticipated that I would want to talk to you. However this weird taboo land we’re in of being around each other, yet somehow still being so distant is killing me. Should I go back to pettily insulting your hair or should I take your hand in mine? Should I smack you or kiss you?

I hate how you’ve made my head such a mess. Like my brain itself is going back and forth between loving and hating you. Though you’ve always had a way of getting on my nerves haven’t you? I guess now it’s just different than before. Now you get on my nerves because you won’t talk about what happened in the woods. You stuck out your hand first, so why are you being a coward now?

I’m not any better though am I? I could bring it up. I could make the first move. Instead I just longingly stare at you from across the room. Remembering how your skin felt against mine and how I want to feel it again. 

“Jooyeon, I like you.” The words are simple enough aren’t they? Then why do they get stuck in my throat? Whatever doesn’t really matter anyway, because we would have to talk in order for me to say them to you. 

Your frenemy or whatever I am to you now,

Y/n

You wrote these letters with no intent of them never receiving them. In fact you think you would die if they ever did. You wrote them to sort your thoughts. To try and untangle the heartstrings of your heart. Maybe give you some closure in some cases. 

That’s why right now you felt like the world had stopped spinning or maybe it was spinning entirely too fast.

“What do you mean you sent the letters!?” You feel like you’re gonna throw up. Your young nephew looked up at you with innocent eyes. 

“Well you know my mom sent me into your room yesterday to grab the…things you put letters in. She told me they were in a box in your closet. I found two boxes, one that had…the things you put letters in and the other had letters. My mom taught me that it’s nice to do things for others, so I thought it would be nice if we sent out the letters for you,” your nephew told you. You can feel your blood beginning to boil in your body. Your breathing becomes irregular and your heart continually punches against your ribcage. 

“They are called ENVELOPES and NO! It wasn’t a nice thing to do!” you yelled at your nephew. A scared look took over his face seeing rage take over you. 

“W-wh-why not?” he stuttered, stepping back to put distance between you two.

You laugh. “Why not?” you repeated. “Why not!” You were becoming hysterical, but as soon as your manic laughter comes to an end.

“Run.” You deadpanned. Your nephew didn’t need to be told twice. He took off running down the stairs as fast as his short legs would carry him. You waste no time chasing after him.  

“Is this what people get for doing nice things?” your nephew shouts as he runs around your living room.

“That wasn’t a nice thing, this is gonna ruin my life!” You shout as you make a dash for your nephew who tried to use the couch in your living room to keep you from reaching him. You’re so caught up in trying to catch your nephew that you don’t even hear the sound of your front door opening. Nor do you notice that your brother and Jiseok have entered the room. 

It’s not until your nephew shouts, “Help me! She’s gone crazy!” That you notice their presence. 

“You think I’m being crazy now, wait till I catch you!” You lunge for him causing a shriek to leave his lungs. He runs to hide behind your brother.

“What did you do to her? Steal her snacks?” Your brother asked, looking at the child cowering behind him.

“Do you really think he can protect you? Just wait till I get my hands on you.” You went to reach around your brother and catch your nephew in your grasp, however a pair of arms circles around your waist and pulls you back. 

“Calm down. What happened?” Jiseok’s voice brushes past your ear. You go stiff in his hold. Your prior boiling blood runs cold in an instant. You want to scream, feeling too overwhelmed by everything, yet you also lose the ability to speak. 

“All I did was send out some letters for her, but she lost her mind over it and is acting like she wants to kill me,” your nephew spoke, defending himself.

“Letters?” Jiseok repeated. Your heart drops to your stomach. He’s already received it. He’s already read it. You can tell by the tone of his voice.

“I can’t do this. Let me go.” You pried at his arms holding you in place. You wanted to run. You wanted to hide. You wanted the earth to swallow you whole, You wanted to shrivel into ashes and blow away in the wind.

“Don’t! She’s gonna get me,” your nephew said, still cowering behind your brother. His little fists clenching onto the fabric of his shirt. Trying to use your brother as a shield. You let out a frustrated sigh still trying to remove Jiseok’s arms from around you. 

“I won’t. I won’t try to catch him anymore. Just please let me go,” you pleaded, sounding desperate. Because you were. Though it wasn’t about catching your nephew anymore. It was about getting away from Jiseok. You couldn’t be in the same room as him right now. You can feel Jiseok’s eyes looking at you, but don’t dare to look back at him, you can’t. His arms loosen around your middle and you waste no time in escaping from his arms and running off to your room. 

Once you locked your bedroom door you rushed over to your closet. Practically throwing the door open as you began frantically looking inside to find the box you kept the letters in. Surely this just had to be some kind of nightmare. It couldn’t be real. There was no way that the letters…got sent. Your heart sinks as you stare at the empty box. The letters were gone. They were sent to the hands you never wanted them to be in. You sink down onto the floor, bringing your knees to your chest. Eyes becoming glossy as you stare at the empty box. How could this be happening? 

A knock at your door interrupts your downward spiral. 

“Go away,” you respond. 

“Y/n.” It was Jiseok.

“I really can’t right now. I’m busy wallowing in self pity.” You fall down onto your side, a small thud sounding throughout your room as your upper body hits the floor.

“Y/n you don’t have to be embarrassed. Can you please open the door?” he asked. Don’t have to be embarrassed. Oh you were far beyond that. You wanted to cease to exist. You didn’t think your life could get any worse than this moment. 

“Can you please leave me alone?” you requested, eyes transfixed on the empty box.

“Y/n please, I don’t want to go through another period of time of you avoiding me again,” he pleaded. His words do sway your heart. His voice carried some raw emotion in it, but not enough for you to open the door. 

“It’s not just you. I don’t plan on leaving this room anytime soon,” you say. How could you? When you wrote those letters you wrote your most vulnerable raw truth. Wrote things you would never even dare imagine telling them in person. Now, they had all read feelings you kept protected buried in your heart. It only makes sense that you want to keep yourself locked in your room forever.

“Don’t make me climb through your window. I know that the lock is still broken,” Jiseok tells you. The lock had been broken for many years. Right before you went off to college you had a fight with a cockroach that led to the lock being broken. You were leaving for college soon enough and only visited home once in a while so getting the lock fixed wasn't on the top of your parents to-do list. 

Not wanting to deal with him climbing in through the window you push your body up from the floor. Your limbs feel extra heavy as you walk over to your bedroom door. Your fingers hesitate on the lock. Shaking as they turn it.

“It’s open.” You didn’t have the strength to open the door yourself. The sound of Jiseok turning the knob triggers your fight or flight and sends you flying under the covers of your bed.  Seriously, how were you supposed to face him? You feel hyper aware as you hear each one of his footsteps drawing in closer to you. 

“Y/n,” he says. Your bed sinks under his weight as he takes a seat on the edge of it. You can only manage out a hum as a response. “The letter sounded kinda old,” he said. 

“I wrote it a year ago.” Your voice is muffled because of the blanket you're hiding under, but Jiseok still understands you. 

“Can you stop hiding?” he asked. 

“Mhm” you shake your head from under the blanket and pull the blanket even tighter around your body. Jiseok sighs, but doesn’t push any further. 

“Your nephew said that he sent letters, so I’m not the only one who got one right?” he questioned. His question makes you sink further into the blanket. Almost as if the situation weighs heavier on you. “Y/n,” he gently called you.

“I wrote a letter to every guy I had a crush on, ok,” you snapped, quickly sat up, causing the blanket to fall from your body. Jiseok can see how disheveled and overwhelmed you are. It makes his heart ping with sadness. 

“It can’t be that bad,” he tried to comfort you. It really didn’t feel like it. In fact it felt like things couldn’t get worse. 

“I mean I guess four of the guys aren’t even in my life anymore, so I don’t really need to worry about them right?” You tried to find a sliver of positiveness. However, life just had to prove you wrong about that because almost on cue with you finishing your sentence your phone went off with a notification. You pick up your phone only for it to fall from your hands, slipping onto your mattress with a thud. The notification was a message from Goo Gunil, your very first crush. 

“I think I’m actually going to throw up,” you say, wrapping your arms around your queasy feeling stomach.

Moments later to make things worse you can hear the front door of your house swinging open. 

“Y/n would you care to explain a piece of mail I received this morning!” 

It was Lee Jooyeon.

Your blood runs cold. You swear you can hear his footsteps walk across your living room and begin up the stairs. Your eyes shift over to your bedroom window. You had to get out of here. Suddenly you're springing up from your bed and dashing over to the window. 

“What are you doing?” Jiseok questioned, his face sprouting a look of concern. Then he sees you open the window and begin to make your way out. “Hey! Hey! No!” He’s rushing over to you. “You can’t jump out the window y/n.” His arms circle around your waist and pull you back, just like they did not all that long ago.

“You don’t want to see me so bad that you’d rather jump out the window?” It was Jooyeon. Of course he made his way to your room by now and was standing in your doorway. You make the mistake of turning to look at him. You can’t even look at him long, quickly averting your eyes. 

“I-” You sigh, not knowing what to say. “You can let go now Jiseok,” you tell him. His arms loosen and fall away from your body. He then steps over to close your window. 

“So I got an interesting piece of mail this morning,” Jooyeon said, reaching into his jacket and pulling out an envelope. One that will probably haunt you for the rest of your life. “Care to explain?” he twiddled the letter between his fingers.

“No, n-not really.” You look down at your feet. Again the feeling of wanting the earth to swallow you whole takes over you.

“Her nephew found the letters and sent them out,” Jiseok explained for you. Jooyeon tried to stifle his laughter at the information Jiseok just shared, but he couldn’t, finding the situation to be quite comical. 

“That, that is comedy gold,” he states in huffs between his laughter. Then he stiffens as if he was struck with something. “Wait, did you say letters?” he asks. It suddenly hit him that he wasn’t the only one who received this love letter of sorts from you.

“Yes, letters,” you emphasized. “Because I was dumb enough to write a letter to each guy I ever had a crush on.” You hide your face in your hands, still feeling mortified over the whole ordeal. You can feel both Jiseok and Jooyeon’s eyes on you and wish you had the ability to disappear. 

“It’s really not dumb.” Jiseok tried to comfort you.

“Did Gunil get one too?” Jooyeon abruptly asked. You take your hands away from your face, your gaze moving to where your phone lies on your bed, being reminded of the message that Gunil sent you. “Did he contact you?” His question sounds more frantic. 

“You know what, I really can’t do this right now. Can you both please leave?” you say as the overwhelming feeling (that never really died down) picks up inside you again. 

“Answer me. Did Gunil get a letter?” Jooyeon asks again. Why does he sound so desperate? 

“Why does it matter?” you questioned. Though you didn’t give him much time to answer before you sigh. “But you know what? Fine, if you guys don’t want to leave. I will leave.” You desperately needed some space to yourself. You walk over to your bed picking up your phone and briskly brush past Jooyeon on the way out of your room. The two boys go to follow you, however your brother stepped in front of them stopping them. 

“Let her go. It’s time I put on my protective big brother hat.” Your brother mimed putting on a hat. “She’s clearly really overwhelmed right now. I get that you guys probably have questions, but she’s not in a state to answer them right now. Especially if it’s you two.” 

Jiseok wasn’t entirely listening to what your brother, his best friend, was saying. His main focus was on you as you made your way out of your house. He really does want to run after you, but the last sentence your brother said caught his attention. 

It caught Jooyeon’s attention as well. “What do you mean especially if it’s us two?” he questioned. Jiseok looked at your brother wanting to know the answer as well. 

Meanwhile your feet didn’t slow down once you were out of your house. They moved fast, sounding on the pavement. You felt like you had to get as far away as possible. You made it to a cafe that was a few miles away from your house. You ordered your drink then took a seat at one of the tables outside. As you sip your drink you feel like you're finally able to relax a bit. You lean back in your chair, trying not to think about the events that just happened. Your peace was very short lived though. 

“Y/n?” A voice called. It has been years, but you still recognize it. 

It was Goo Gunil. 

Your eyes widen as you see him standing in front of you. Life really did hate you didn’t it?

“Gunil..hi” you say awkwardly. 

“Can I sit?” He gestured to the chair in front of you. You think it over briefly in your head. Oddly you find that seeing Gunil here in front of you didn’t cause the same sense of panic that facing Jiseok or Jooyeon did. 

“Sure,” you replied. He pulled out the chair and took a seat. 

“How have you been?” he asked, causing you to laugh. 

“Well…could definitely be better,” you say. “You don’t have to waste time with small talk though. You want to know about the letter right?” You cut to the chase. 

“I was surprised to receive it,” he tells you. “Though my biggest question isn’t necessarily about the letter itself,” he adds. 

“What do you mean?” you question, brows pulling together. You lean forwards too, resting your arms on the table.

“You didn’t read my message I take it.” Using his head he nods to your phone that’s sitting on the table. 

“Look when letters you wrote to guys that you’ve had a crush on suddenly get sent when they were supposed to stay tucked away in your closet forever. You’re not really in the mood to read messages, specially when they are from one of those said guys,” you tell him with a hint of dry humor.

“I understand.” Gunil raised his hands slightly. “Why did you address them though if you never wanted to actually send them?” 

“Because I’m an idiot,” you laugh. “I don’t know. I guess they just felt unfinished without the addresses and I kinda wrote them as a form of closure so…” You trailed off and leaned forward to grab your drink, swirling it for a moment before taking a small sip.

“Well for the record our laughter in physics didn’t mean nothing. It's sweet that you read the books I liked just so you could talk to me about them,” he tells you. A bit of embarrassment bubbles in your stomach. 

“I forgot I wrote that part.” You cringe, making Gunil chuckle.

“I guess I should get back to my main question. The main reason why I was surprised to get this letter was because I thought you were dating Jiseok back then,” he tells you. 

“What!?” Your voice raises in shock, facing contorting into a state of confusion. “W-where did you get that from?”

“Jooyeon. He told me that you were dating Jiseok,” he reveals. 

“Like Lee Jooyeon?” you checked. 

“Yes, Lee Jooyeon. The one we had physics with.” He confirmed. 

“Why would he do that?” You’re completely utterly confused. You always thought it was a miracle graced by God that Jooyeon never outed your crush on Gunil, but now you’re finding out that he told Gunil you were dating Jiseok.

“Jooyeon wait a sec,” Gunil called Jooyeon at the end of physics class.

“What’s up?” Jooyeon asked, pausing to see what Gunil wanted. 

“I know you and y/n aren’t the closest, but do you know if she’s seeing anyone? Or is interested in anyone?” he asked. Jooyeon felt multiple feelings bubble in his stomach. One was jealousy. He knew that you liked Gunil. That made him feel jealous enough, but now, finding out that Gunil has an interest in you too. That was quickly becoming something he couldn’t handle. Which transpired into the second feeling he felt mixing around his stomach, guilt. For what he was about to say. 

“Yeah, sorry man,” he acts sympathetic. “She and Jiseok are dating.” He knows he should not have lied, but what you don’t know can’t hurt you right? Now he can only pray that you will never find out about this.

“Oh, ok. Thanks.” Gunil says. Jooyeon feels even more guilty when he sees the dejected look that fell across Gunil’s face. Yet he doesn’t feel guilty enough for it to override his selfishness in not wanting to see you with someone else. 

You seriously couldn’t understand it. Why would Jooyeon lie about you dating Jiseok?

“I’m not sure,” Gunil replied. He pauses and looks down at his hands that he had folded on the table. It looked like he was debating something. 

“What is it?” you questioned.

“I-” A small laugh leaving him interrupts his sentence. “I don’t really know why I’m thinking about saying this or not, but I actually had a small crush on you back then in high school,” he revealed. 

“You did?” A feeling of melancholy washes over you. 

“Yeah I did.” A small smile tugged on his lips, but his eyes gave you a bittersweet look. “Then Jooyeon told me that you were dating Jiseok. I admit that I did initially think that that was weird because you never mentioned dating him, but I can’t remember if it was the same day he told me or a few days later. I saw you with Jiseok while you were waiting for your brother. Jiseok had one arm up, leaning against the wall beside your head. Like half-way caging you. He was showing you a video on his phone. You seemed really comfortable with him. After that I thought what Jooyeon said was true.” he explained. 

It takes you a bit to try and process what he just told you. Your first crush, the one you like to call your first love, did actually like you back. On top of that Jooyeon lied to him about you dating Jiseok and because of Jiseok’s flirting nature plus you being nonchalant to it, Gunil mistook Jooyeon’s lie for the truth.

“I should have pushed Jooyeon out of the window instead of trying to jump out of it,” you grumbled, catching Gunil off guard. 

“I’m sorry what? You what?” Gunil looked at you with a mix of shock and confusion.

“It’s fine, Jiseok wouldn’t let me,” you tell him. Though your statement only makes Gunil grow more confused. 

“You were with both Jooyeon and Jiseok? I didn’t know you guys all hung out together,” he said. 

“Oh, we don’t. It’s just those stupid letters have really complicated things,” you told him.

“Excuse me if this is just me jumping to conclusions, but does that mean they both got one too?” he checked, referring to the letters.

“Yep.” You nod. “Two people who past me never would have imagined falling for, yet somehow, I did,” you say. 

“I mean I believed that you were dating Jiseok back in high school, so that’s not all that surprising, but Jooyeon. That one does surprise me. You two couldn’t have one conversation without fighting,” he remarks. 

“Oh I know.” You laughed and thought back on how you and Jooyeon used to be. “Last year we got lost in the woods together and everything changed, but at the same time not much actually changed,” you shared.

“Say more,” he urged you to keep going. Clearly become intrigued on what caused your change of heart towards Jooyeon.

“Well if I tell you about how I developed a crush on Jooyeon I actually need to start with me liking Jiseok,” you tell him.

“What kind of tangled web is this?” Gunil laughs. 

“Tell me about it,” you with an exaggerated sigh. “Anyway, long story short. I only went on the trip in the woods to avoid seeing Jiseok, who I realized that I liked after doing-Actually while doing a photoshoot with. Then somehow after getting lost in the woods with Jooyeon for a few hours realized that maybe all our fighting was for nothing. That love and hate really are two sides of the same coin,” you sum up. 

“That sounds like quite the complication of feelings,” Gunil notes. 

“It is. Was?” You're not sure which one. Things are definitely still complicated, but you’re not sure if it’s because of those old, or maybe not so old, feelings. “The main thing I’m really confused about right now though is why Jooyeon would lie to you about me dating Jiseok,” you changed the topic. 

“Only he knows the answer to that. You’ll have to talk to him about it,” he says. At the mention of talking to Jooyeon you feel the sense of panic start to build. As much as you wanted to know why he lied you still don’t think you’re ready to fully face him. 

“You don’t want to?” Gunil picks up on your shift in mood. 

“It’s weird. I feel really comfortable talking to you right now, but earlier when Jiseok and Jooyeon wanted to talk to me, I was so freaked out and panicky. I had this overwhelming feeling that I just had to get away,” you disclosed. 

“What makes me different from them?” he questioned. Deep down you knew why. Because you were completely over Gunil, however the same couldn’t be said for Jiseok or Jooyeon. No matter how much you pushed down and ignored those feelings. No matter how much you tried to get back to how things used to be. They were never going to because feelings change things. Your heart still yearned for either of them. Writing down your feelings in a love letter didn’t make them go away. Shutting the letters away in your closet only mirrored how you shut the feelings away in your heart. 

“I’m over you…but not them.” You're forced to face the truth. You like Jiseok and you also like Jooyeon. Your admittance makes you feel just like you did a bit over a year ago. Like you're stuck in some kind of love maze. Not knowing how to navigate your way out or who will be the one at the end of it. 

“You know I actually know someone who liked two people at once,” Gunil states. 

“Really? What did they do?” you asked. 

“If you want to know you can talk to him about it yourself. You know him too or knew him at least,” he tells you. You start to feel confused. Who was Gunil talking about?

“Who is it?” you inquired. 

“Kim Jungsu.” 

“Let’s talk in my room.” Your brother guides Jiseok and Jooyeon the short distance to his bedroom then gestures for them to enter. He has the pair of boys sit on the edge of his bed while he grabs his desk chair and rolls it over to sit in front of them. He takes a breath and folds his hands together over his lap.

“I’m not proud of what I’m about to admit,” he starts. “I may have been a snoopy big brother and one day I found the letters y/n was hiding in her closet. Naturally I read them,” he said.

“That is such an invasion of privacy,” Jiseok stated, clearly judging. 

“Yeah dude that’s not cool,” Jooyeon said, feeling just as judgemental about your brother’s behavior.

“Look I know, but I had good reason. I notice something off in y/n’s behavior. She started to avoid Jiseok. In all the years that she’s known Jiseok she had never done that and when I asked her about it, she acted like she wasn’t. Since she wouldn’t answer me I went looking for answers myself,” he explained. 

“You didn’t think to ask Jiseok if he knew why?” Jooyeon asked, motioning to Jiseok. 

“He did ask, but I didn’t really know why either,” Jiseok answered. 

“Precisely, so like I said I went looking for answers. Y/n was away for the weekend. Gone out on a hiking/camping trip, whatever it was in the woods. I took this opportunity to look through her room and I found a box that contained some letters. Letters that were addressed to some guys. Now, I swear I really wasn’t gonna pay much attention to them, but then I saw that one was addressed to Jiseok. Naturally I had to read it and that’s when I discovered y/n’s crush on Jiseok.” He paused to think about if he should really expose the rest of what he did. “Then I read the rest of the letters, which is debatable on if I should have done that,” he admitted, figuring the whole context might be important.

“You shouldn’t have,” Jiseok stated firmly, giving him a disproving look.

“I’m sorry. I’m nosy,” your brother said. “But look I’m about to get at something. At this time there were only five letters. Jooyeon’s hadn’t been written yet,” your brother informed. “So things get a bit more interesting from here. Once y/n got back I noticed that she was acting even stranger. Now imagine my surprise when one night she came back looking extra exhausted, so I jokingly asked her if she and Jooyeon really got into it. Only for her to tell me that she and Jooyeon weren’t fighting. In fact they hadn’t bickered in a while.” Jiseok turns to Jooyeon. 

“You two stopped fighting?” he asked, shock apparent on his face. 

“It’s been weird for me too,” he says, scratching the back of his neck.

“Back to the story,” your brother cuts back in to continue. “I used my new degree in sleuthing to check her closet again and when I opened the box that contained the letters I found Jooyeon’s. At first I thought ‘Wow she got over Jiseok quick’, but then I remembered that she was still avoiding Jiseok and why would she do that if she was over him? She wouldn’t, so I came to the conclusion that she liked you both, at the same time. That’s why she was acting so strange,” he concludes. 

Jiseok and Jooyeon look at each other. A kind of tension building between them. 

“One other thing. Your guys' letters are different from the others. The other four of them sound like she was reflecting on her feelings for them. Like she was clearly over them, but you two.” He points at them. “They were written while she had feelings for you,” he adds. 

Again Jiseok and Jooyeon look at one another. Did you really like them both at the same time? Who would you pick?

“You know Jungsu! How? I mean we all went to the same high school, but you didn’t know him then right?” your question flowed. 

“We met in our first year of college. Funny enough we had both recently broken up with our girlfriends. We ended up bonding over it. Then one day I was trying to find a picture to show him and he saw the picture we took in physics when we did the lab on Newton’s Laws. That’s how we found out we were both old friends of yours,” he told you. 

“What game is life playing? Making my first love and first heartbreak friends,” you remark with a slight laugh.

“Since you mention that. If you feel comfortable, I think that you should talk to Jungsu. Not just about your Jiseok, Jooyeon thing, but since he received the letter I can tell that he wants to talk to you about it. I think he knows that you didn’t intend for them to get sent, so he’s gonna act like he never received it,” Gunil informed you. 

“He’s still sweet like that,” you say, remembering how much of a kind soul Jungsu was. 

“Yeah, he is and I really think that you should talk to him,” he insisted. 

Talking to Jungsu definitely didn’t sound like a bad thing. In fact you think it would be nice to hear his voice again, to see him again after all these years. 

“I think I will. It would be nice to see him again,” you said. Gunil smiles. With that yours and Gunil’s little reunion comes to end, but before you say goodbye you can’t help but ask one last question. 

“Gunil, if Jooyeon didn’t lie about me dating Jiseok do you think we could have been a thing?” you ask. 

“Will my answer make you push Jooyeon out of a window?” he asked humorously, resulting in you breaking out into laughter. 

“The thought may cross my mind,” you replied back with the same humorous tone. “But no. I just would like to know,” you tell him, tone becoming more serious.

“Then yeah we probably would have. I liked you and you liked me, so it sounds like pretty good odds.” It feels like his answer heals a part of your younger self. The younger you who felt like you missed out on Gunil because you were too cowardly to confess in time. 

“Thank you,” you say to him as you’re about to part ways.

“For what?” he asked. 

“For being my first love,” you say with a lighthearted chuckle. 

“Thank you too,” he said.

“For what?” you questioned. 

“For writing me that letter.” He smiled warmly at you. For once you don’t completely despise writing those letters. 

The two of you go your separate ways. Gunil looks back at you, watching as you make your way down the pavement. “Thank you for being my first love too.” You don’t hear it, you're too far away, but Gunil feels a sense of peace in saying the words. He feels like a piece of his younger self got healed too. Knowing that he didn’t have to beat himself up about not expressing his interest in you sooner.

After you rounded the corner you pulled out your phone. You go to Jungsu’s social media and hit to send him a message. “Can I borrow your chemistry notes?” you type. It was an old excuse you used just so you could talk to him. You hit send and let out a small breath. He replied a lot quicker than you thought he would. Almost like he was waiting for you to reach out to him.

Kim Jungsu

Of Course :) Where should we meet?

You arranged to meet with Jungsu at a park. As you near the park you begin to feel more nervous than you thought you would. The simultaneous pinging on your phone does nothing to soothe those nerves. 

Jiseok

Are you ok?

You’ve been out a while and we don’t know where you are.

I can drag Jooyeon out of the house with me if you really don’t feel comfortable seeing us right now.

I’m sorry too for earlier. I didn’t mean to stress you out. I’m just scared of you avoiding me again.

Jooyeon

You didn’t get yourself lost did you?

I’m sorry if I was a bit much earlier.

You were right when you called me a coward in the letter, but I think I want to stop being one.

When you feel like it, can we finally talk about what happened in the woods last year?

A mix of emotions stirs in your heart as you look at their messages. How were you going to handle this? 

When you arrived at the park you spotted a familiar person sitting on a park bench. A smile tugged at your lips. 

“Kim Jungsu!” you called, approaching the bench. Jungsu turns to look at who called him and a smile lights up his face when he sees that it’s you. 

“Hi y/n,” he greeted you as you took a seat beside him on the bench. It’s the same voice that used to give you butterflies. 

“You’re not any different,” you noted, causing Jungsu to laugh. 

“I’ve said two words to you,” he responded, laughter still in his voice. 

“I can just tell,” you say. A laugh of your own escaping. 

“Did you pick this place on purpose?” he asked you, looking around the park. 

“It’s the last place we saw each other,” you stated. 

This was the last time that you were going to see Jungsu. That thought weighed heavy on your heart all day. Then again your heart always seemed to weigh heavy when you were with Jungsu. Because the ache in your heart never fully went away. Knowing that he was happy with someone else. Someone who wasn’t you. Yet you still found a way to smile through the pain. To treat Jungsu as a “friend”. 

“Jungsu!” You called his name brightly when you saw him sitting on the park bench. 

“Y/n!” He called you back just as brightly, watching you approach him. 

The stars hung themselves in the sky while you and Jungsu found yourselves sitting on the swings that hung from the old metal bar of the playground. Either of you were gently swinging back and forth, feet dragging against the ground. 

“I’m gonna miss you, you know?” you speak softly. You try to look at Jungsu, but realize that you can’t and opt for looking at the twinkling stars instead. 

“I’m gonna miss you too. I can’t believe we’re not going to the same college,” he says, looking down at where his feet drag the ground. 

“I know, actually I-” You’re leaving in three days. This, right here in this park, on this swingset, will be the last time you see Kim Jungsu. 

“You actually?” You can feel him turn to look at you. You remove your eyes from the stars working up all your courage to look at him for the final time. When you lock eyes with you realize you really can’t say goodbye.

“I’m actually really surprised about going to a different college too. I always thought me and f/n would go to the same one.” It’s not exactly a lie, but you just knew you couldn’t keep being around Jungsu anymore. Your heart hurted too much. Like it had an open wound that never stopped bleeding.

“Yeah, I remember you two talking about sharing a dorm earlier this year,” he notes. 

“Yeah…” you say barely above a whisper, looking down at your feet. You take a breath and stand up from the swing. “It’s getting late. I should probably get going. My mom’s already getting on me about needing to pack.” You were already packed, but Jungsu was never going to get to know that. 

You can hear Jungsu take a deep breath before he stands up too. You can hear the sound of him wiping his hands on his pants. 

“Yeah, I should get packing too honestly, but I can walk you back,” he offered. You immediately shake your head. It was really starting to hit you that this, this very moment, was your last time seeing Jungsu. You didn’t know how much longer you could hold back the tears that so desperately wanted to gloss over your eyes.

“No, it’s fine. Thank you though,” you say. 

“Ok, get home safe,” he tells you.

You nod, “You too.” You want to hug him, to feel him close one last time. To forget that he isn't yours and never was for just a few moments, but you don’t. Instead you give a small wave and turn your back, walking away from him. It was finally time for you to get over Jungsu. With each step you take away you feel your wounded heart begin to chip away. Piece by piece falling apart.

“Except I didn’t know that it would be the last time,” he said. You can hear a bit of sadness lying in his tone. He’s looking over towards the swingset that the two of you sat on that night. You can feel the guilt grow inside of you, remembering the last moment you spent together. 

“I’m sorry. I guess I was too much of a coward-” An ironic chuckle falls from your lips as you say the word. “to say a proper goodbye to you,” you sincerely apologize.

“I guess I just thought that we were closer.” His words stung, landing sharp pricks on your heart.

“I think we were too close.” Your words stung too. Both of your guys' words are true. You were closer. Definitely close enough that Jungsu deserved a proper goodbye instead of you just disappearing. You were also too close. You shouldn’t have been invited to third wheel on as many dates as you did. You shouldn’t have let Jungsu walk you to as many classes as you did. Jungsu shouldn’t have called you to hang out whenever your friend canceled their dates.

“I would have picked you, back then. If you  didn’t decide to give me up. If I had known I would have picked you,” he tells you. 

“What?” It felt like everything froze for a second. 

“I did think about you in the way you thought about me,” he says. 

“I...ah what?” The moment felt surreal. You almost couldn’t process the words that he was saying. 

“This isn’t what you expected right? Truthfully though…” He grabbed one of your hands that was resting on your lap. You look at his hand holding yours. You remember how you used to daydream about what it would be like for him to hold your hand. “I liked you back then,” he confessed. 

“What?” Your eyes widened, snapping to look at him and your voice raised a bit in shock. “But you got together with f/n.” 

“I know it sounds strange, but I liked you first. Then you started to help f/n hit on me. At first it hurt honestly. The girl I liked was trying to set me up with someone else. Naturally I thought you weren’t interested in me. I thought that I would never be interested in f/n, yet somehow the more time we spent together I actually grew feelings for her too,” he explained. 

“You liked us both?” When Gunil told you that Jungu liked two people at the same time you never envisioned that you would be one of them. 

“Do you think that’s weird?” he questioned. 

“No.” You shook your head. “I actually like two different guys right now. That’s kinda why I wanted to talk to you.” It almost feels like some kind of whiplash as you get reminded about the reason why you contacted Jungsu in the first place. “By chance I ran into Gunil earlier and ended up telling him about it and he suggested talking to you,” you continued. 

“I know he texted me,” Jungsu disclosed with a hint of a chuckle.

“Of course he did,” you chuckled too.

“You don’t know who to pick?” He stated the obvious. 

“I didn’t even know who to respond to first, so I didn’t text either of them back,” you groaned, head falling back.

“That bad?” he laughed. 

“Don’t laugh,” you tell him, picking your head back up, but you were laughing too. 

“Can I see the messages?” he asked. 

“Sure.” You grabbed your phone and showed him the display of unanswered messages. 

“Jooyeon? Like the one I’m thinking of?” he checked. 

“Yes, that Jooyeon. I know it’s surprising,” you confirmed. 

“So something happened in the woods?” He inferred from the text as he pointed to the screen. 

“We got lost and found out that we didn’t actually have any problems. Something shifted between us then but,”

“You never talked about it,” he finished. You nod with a hum. “And Jiseok, like your brother’s friend Jiseok?” He double checked.

“Yep,” you confirmed, popping the p at the end. 

“I thought you dated him back in highschool,” he said confused. 

“You heard that too?” you asked, feeling flabbergasted and wondering just how many people heard about you supposedly dating Jiseok. “You know what I lied, I do have one problem with Jooyeon. Why the heck did he lie about me dating Jiseok?”

“Oh it was Jooyeon that spread it? I just heard it around the halls,” he tells you. 

“How did I not hear it?” you questioned. “And nobody thought to ask me, everyone just believed it?” you added. 

“You two looked like a couple. I remember him flirting with you too,” he stated, thinking back on how you and Jiseok used to interact.

“That was because he was a serial flirt,” you explained. 

“Ok, when did you actually start liking him then?” he asked. 

“While we were doing a photoshoot. It was couple themed and it just felt so real, too real,” you answer. 

“It scared you?” he questioned.

“A bit yeah. Felt a lot of feelings at once,” you replied. You thought for a moment then asked him, “You said you would pick me? If you knew back then. How do you know that?”

“Because I can’t think about you without smiling and f/n and I actually broke up not too long after you disappeared for college,” he revealed. 

“Really?” You turned on the bench to face him more directly.

“Yeah. You were selfless when you gave me up, but I didn’t exactly give you up. Even when I was with her we were friends. I walked you to class, even some that were out of my way. I really shouldn’t say this, but I would get happy when she would cancel our dates, cause it meant I could hang out with you, so when you were actually gone. She could tell that I was happier when you were around. She put the pieces together on her own that I must’ve liked you too and she ended things with me,” he shared. 

“Well now I feel kinda bad,” you voice. Even without your feelings for Jungsu being out you somehow still played a part in their breakup. 

“No. Don’t. It’s not your fault,” he reassured you. “I will now however let you go.” He released your hand that he was still holding since he told you that he liked you back then. 

“I’m sorry there’s not one simple thing I can say that will help you decide between the two. I can only say to listen to your heart. In there you know who you love. I know it probably seems too confusing right now, but I promise the heart beats just a touch different for the one.” 

“Thank you,” you tell him. 

“I’m glad I got to see you again,” he smiled at you. 

“Me too,” you smiled back. That smile that you can never fight off when it comes to Jungsu. 

“And I’m glad this park won’t seem so sad anymore,” he adds. 

“That is why I picked this place. I didn’t want to be a coward again,” you admit. 

“I guess this is goodbye then?” he said. 

“Yeah, I got a bone to pick with Jooyeon,” you chuckle. Jungsu chuckles too. 

“Goodbye.” He stood up and opened his arms for a hug, one last time. 

“Goodbye.” You hugged him. It’s healing, comforting, a moment neither of you will forget. The two of you part giving each other one last smile. You begin to leave the park and start on your walk back home. 

“I’ll always smile when I think about you too.” He watches as you leave. He feels like the wound you left on his heart heals. He takes another look at those swings, but this time he smiles, remembering all the fond memories you shared on them and with that he turns to walk away, going on his own path.

“Jooyeon! Care to explain why you told Gunil I was dating Jiseok back in highschool!” You shouted upon entering your house. 

Upstairs in your brother’s room Jooyeon feels his blood run cold. He feels hyper aware of the sounds of your footsteps. Hearing you head up the stairs. His head turns to look at the window in your brother’s room. 

“What’s with that look?” Jiseok questioned. It feels like deja vu especially when Jooyeon rushes over to the window, wasting no time in opening it. He begins to make his escape. “Hey! Hey! No!” Jiseok is quick to get up, along with brother. Both of them hurriedly making their way to Jooyeon and restraining him from jumping out of the window. 

“You can’t jump out of the window!” Your brother told Jooyeon, making the effort to pull him away from the window, whilst Jiseok closes it. 

“You don’t want to see me so bad that you’d rather jump out the window?” You had entered the room. Jooyeon makes the mistake of looking at you. He can’t hold eye contact with you long, quickly averting his gaze.

“I-” He started, but his response fell short. Only a sigh leaves him. “You can let go now,” he tells your brother. Your brother loosens the grip he had on Jooyeon, letting him go. 

“So I happened to run into Gunil by chance and he happened to disclose some interesting information to me. That back then you told him I was dating Jiseok. Care to explain?” you asked, folding your arms over your chest and arching a brow. 

“No, n-not really.” He looked down at his feet.

“He did what?” Jiseok joined the conversation. Looking at you then shifting his eyes to Jooyeon. 

“He told Gunil that you and I were dating,” you reiterated. “You know I did think it was strange that he brought up Gunil earlier, but now I guess I know why. He was worried about his little lie getting out.”

Jooyeon is yet to look up from his feet. It seems like karma has finally caught up to him. His lie from all those years ago is back to bite him, but he knows that he can’t remain silent. He takes a shaky breath and lifts his head up. 

“Yes, I lied to Gunil back then about you dating Jiseok,” he admits to his fault. 

“Why would you do that? Y-you knew that I liked him.” The hurt in your voice stabs Jooyeon like a knife. His stupid teenage brain back then didn’t think about the hurt his lie could cause you. He just didn’t want to watch the girl he liked get with another guy. 

“I think you two should finish this conversation in your room,” your brother cuts in. Jiseok almost wants to protest. Since your brother informed him and Jooyeon of the fact that you had feelings for the both of them. At least you did in the past. He feels reluctant to think of you speaking to Jooyeon alone. Especially since anyone could probably read what direction the conversation was heading. Abelite the feeling of wanting to be in the same room as you, so that he knows he’s not losing you to Jooyeon. Jiseok knows that this is a conversation for you and Jooyeon to have. Because he wasn’t the one who was hurt by the lie. It was you. 

“Your brother’s right. This isn’t our business,” Jiseok said. 

“His lie involved you too,” you say. 

The only thing that bothers me about a lie that we’re dating is that that’s it. It’s a lie. I want it to be true. Jiseok was so close to saying those words, but he knew now was not the time, so instead he swallowed those words back and says, “I’m not the one who was hurt by it.” You don’t know how to describe the look he gave you. There was care in his eyes. His face had some level of understanding, sympathy. “This is between you and him.” 

Jiseok feels scared as he watches you leave with Jooyeon, heading to your room. He’s scared that somehow the next time your bedroom door opens you and Jooyeon will be a couple.

“I’m not gonna lose her again right?” Jiseok asked your brother once the sound of your bedroom door shutting was heard. 

“If you don’t watch her get together with another guy that’s not you, you’ll have to tell her how you feel.” Your brother pats his shoulder in a comforting manner. 

The tension in your room is thick. Jooyeon sits tentatively on the edge of your bed. He stares at his lap. He’s scared to face you. While you sit back against the headboard. A comforting pillow in your lap. That your arms give a squeeze. 

“Why did you do that?” you asked. Your voice is a bit cold, but it’s also layered with hurt. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. You can tell he’s being sincere, his face is full of regret.  

“Thank you, but that’s not why. Tell me why,” you said. Jooyeon looks up from his lap. 

With a deep inhale he begins to speak. “Gunil told me that he was interested in you.” He pauses briefly. “So I lied and told him that you were dating Jiseok.” He pauses again. “Because…I liked you too,” he confesses. 

“You what?” Your tone became much softer. His words felt like a whiplash. 

“I liked you too and because I liked you I didn’t want to watch you get together with someone else, so I lied about you dating Jiseok. I really am sorry I didn’t think about how it could hurt you,” he apologized once more. You were having trouble wrapping your head around the thought of Jooyeon liking you back then. Because back then all you and Jooyeon did was bicker. Almost as if the mere presence of one another was enough to have you shouting. 

“Can you say something?” he pleads. You hadn’t realized how long you’ve been silent. Trying to absorb the information he revealed. 

“Sorry, I’m just trying to process. You liked me back in high school?” you had to double check. 

“I’ve liked you since high school actually,” he confessed. You’re stunned. You freeze. Jooyeon has liked you since high school? During all those years of you two bickering he’s like you the entire time? Way before the two of you got lost in the woods. 

“You’ve liked me this entire time and you’ve never said anything?” you finally speak. You remove the pillow you had in your lap. Setting it aside and moving closer to where Jooyeon sat. Jooyeon shifts at your movement, tensing before relaxing. A small breath of relief leaves him, feeling how some of your coldness towards him melted away.

“First you liked Gunil. Then Jungsu came around. I actually thought about confessing the summer before college started, but by then we had been frenemies for so long and I was sure you didn’t like me back, so I decided to keep liking you silently. Then Seungmin came and stole your heart for a while. Next you were gushing about your cute neighbor, baking him cookies. As much as I liked you I thought I never had a chance with you. That I would never be one of the guys you liked. Then we got lost in the woods and for the first time I had hope. Maybe I could be the one you liked, but I was a coward. I had been silent about my feelings for you for so long that I didn’t know how to act upon them. When I got your letter I was actually really happy. ‘She actually likes back.’ It felt unreal. It was too good to be true though because I wasn’t the only one who received a love letter from you. Which meant that my lie finally found its way back to me.” he finishes. 

“I really wish we could just talk about what happened in the woods, but I feel like I can’t talk about that without telling you the reason why I went on that trip in the first place,” you begin to say your truth.

Jooyeon already knows what is coming because of the conversation he had with your brother earlier, but he appreciates being able to hear it directly from you.

“Which is?” He encouraged you to tell him. 

“I only went on that trip because I wanted to avoid Jiseok…” you pause. “Because I realized that I liked him.” There it is. The main knot in your heart. Where your feelings for Jiseok get tangled with your feelings for Jooyeon. 

“You like him?” Jooyeon braces himself for rejection. You didn’t really like him, you just misunderstood your own feelings and thought that you did. That is what he thinks you’re about to tell him.

“I like you both,” you answered. A part of Jooyeon feels relieved that you didn’t  outright reject him. Another part of him feels scared because he knows rejection could still come. He doesn’t know who you’ll pick between him and Jooyeon. Then again you also don’t know who you’ll pick. The only thing you know is that you need to talk to Jiseok.

Saying goodbye to Jooyeon was weird with the complex tension between you two. The recent reveal of his feelings for you, that have existed for much longer than you ever would have thought, and despite the fact that you like him back you two can’t have a happy ending because you harbor feelings for another. 

The two of you head for your bedroom door

“Jooyeon-”

“Y/n-” You both spoke at the same time. “You first.” He gestured for you to speak. 

“Oh uh…” You weren’t really sure what you wanted to say. “Don’t get lost on your way home,” you say. A smile pulls at the corners of Jooyeon lips. Then he reaches for your hand, holding it gently in his. Your breath hitches for a moment. 

“Don’t stress about it so much. Just know that no matter who you pick you can’t get rid of me,” he smiled playfully at you. “And just so you know, I’ve never viewed you as my frenemy. You’ve always been the girl I liked,” he tells you. 

“Referring to my letter right now is a bit.” You tilt your head to the side. 

“Oh if I wanted to discuss what you wrote in that letter I think you saying that you didn’t know if you wanted to kiss me or smack me is way more interesting to talk about,” he teases you. 

“Out!” you say grabbing him by his shoulders and shoving him towards the door. Jooyeon laughs as he opens the door. 

“Ok. Ok. I’m going no need to shove,” he said as he exited the room. Once he reaches the bottom of the stairs he turns around. “I meant what I said earlier. Don’t stress about it,” he told you once more. You nod from the top of the stairs. 

“Bye, don’t get lost.” You waved.

“What if I want you to come find me?” he responded playfully, making you chuckle. 

“Go home,” you urged him and he did. He turns back around and heads for your front door. You watch as he closes it behind him.

“So, you two good then?” Jiseok appeared beside you. 

“As good as we can be. I think,” you replied. Jiseok nods like he’s happy to hear that, but truthfully he doesn’t know if your answer is a good or bad thing. Good in the sense that there is no problem between the two of you. Bad in the sense of does that mean you would pick Jooyeon over him? “Can we talk?” you asked, circling Jiseok’s attention back. 

“Always,” he said. 

The two of you walk to your bedroom, shutting the door behind yourselves. You both make yourselves comfortable on your bed. 

“So…” You didn’t know where to start.

“Why did Jooyeon lie about us dating?” he asked, sensing how you weren’t sure what to say. 

“Turns out he liked me back or actually has liked me since back then. Anyway he liked me so he lied to Gunil about us dating,” you informed.

“Huh?” Jiseok couldn’t hide his surprise. He did suspect that Jooyeon had feelings for you too, but he never would have thought that he had them for that long. 

“I know, it surprised me too,” you say. 

“You wrote him a letter too, so does that mean?” Jiseok’s heart pounded against his chest as he spoke. He was terrified that he lost his chance with you yet again. 

“I wish it was that simple, but that’s why I wanted to talk to you,” you began to say. Jiseok waits for you to continue. “I like him.” Jiseok feels his heart sink. “But I like you too.” And now his heart is in his throat. 

“You like us both.” he checked. 

“Yeah, I do.” You pull that pillow back into your lap. Jiseok takes a breath, preparing for what he’s about to say. He knows it might complicate things for you, but he knows he can’t keep quiet about his feelings for you anymore either. He doesn’t want to watch you end up with someone else because he didn’t voice his feelings in time again. 

“I like you too y/n,” he confessed. You feel your heart skip a beat. With Jooyeon you had at least known that there was something between you two, but with Jiseok, you had no idea how he felt about you. 

“What?” You almost couldn’t believe it. 

“I’ve liked you since your freshman year of college,” he revealed. Again you feel a bit of whiplash. It’s not as long as Jooyeon, but it’s still a long time ago considering that you graduated from college this year.

“How come you didn’t tell me?” You scooted a bit closer to him. 

“Honestly I was scared of my own feelings at first. By the time I decided to stop being afraid of them, you got together with Seungmin. I missed my chance and I hated myself so much for it. In the end Seungmin shattered your heart so badly it would have been wrong for me to just swoop in and try to have my chance with you. Turns out I didn’t have to wait as long as I did though because soon enough I was hearing about your across the hall crush, Hyeongjun. Then we ended up doing that photoshoot and you started to avoid me,” he tells. 

“I guess I was scared of my feelings for you too,” you admitted. “I was supposed to be immune to you.” Your comment lightens the atmosphere slightly bringing light chuckles from either of you.

“Yeah, but I still found my way into your heart.” He takes out his phone and shows his lockscreen. It’s that photo. The photo of the moment you realized you liked Jiseok.

“How long has that been your wallpaper?” you asked. 

“Since the shoot, but you’ve been my wallpaper since I stopped running from my feelings for you. Honestly when you were with Seungmin I used to fear that he would somehow see my wallpaper then start interrogating me, but even then I still couldn’t change it,” he disclosed. 

“I’ve been your wallpaper for the past four years and haven’t noticed?” Then again you went through most of high school without catching wind of the rumor Jooyeon spread. Maybe you weren’t the most observant. 

“I’m kinda shocked about it too,” he said. 

“Seriously, what is wrong with me?” You couldn’t help but laugh. You fall onto your back, against your bedsheets. Jiseok moved to lay on his stomach, propped up on his elbows. His face hangs nearly above yours. Your eyes trail over his face. ‘The heart beats just a touch different for the one.’ you recall what Jungsu told you. Was that this though? Or was it how your heart nearly skipped a beat when Jooyeon reached for your hand?

“Looking at my pretty eyes,” Jiseok said, bringing your attention back. 

“I-” You almost blush, specially with the way he’s looking at you. Are those sparkles in his eyes because of you? “You’re the one hanging your face over mine. What else am I supposed to look at?” you recover. Jiseok laughs 

“Good. I only want you to look at me.” With everything going on you almost forgot how much of a flirt he was. 

“Get away.” Your hands push against his chest, moving him away as you sit up. After sitting up you let out a sigh. “What am I gonna do?” You were more talking to yourself, but you said it outloud, so Jisoek replied. 

“Flip a coin if you really can’t pick,” he suggested. 

“Are you serious? Flip a coin?” you looked at him as if he just uttered complete nonsense. 

“Yeah, heads I win tails he loses.” It takes you a minute to register what he just said. That way he would win no matter the outcome.

“Jiseok, be serious,” you complained. 

“Ok, I’m sorry, but flipping a coin actually isn't a horrible idea. While it’s in the air you might decide which side you want it to land on,” he told you more seriously. “But Jooyeon was also right. You shouldn’t stress over it so much.” He ran a hand through your hair before patting your head. “I’ll be here either way,” he told you. 

They both made it clear that you won’t lose anyone, yet you still can’t help but feel heavy heartened over having to pick between the two of them. Your dynamic and relationships with them were both so different. Really how were you gonna pick?

“Thanks,” you say. 

“I’ll get going now then. Take as much time as you need, but please don’t avoid me again.” His voice almost sounds like he’s begging. 

“I won’t,” you assure him. With that Jiseok made his way out of your room, closing the door behind him. You let out a sigh, plopping down onto your back. Turning your head you look at your nightstand and you notice a quarter sitting on it. ‘You might decide which side you want it to land on.’ It still sounds like a bit of a ridiculous idea, yet you find yourself sitting up and grabbing the coin. 

“Heads, Jiseok. Tails, Jooyeon.” With that you toss the coin up into the air. 

You catch the coin in your hand, fingers enclosing it in your palm. The cool metal almost feels like it’s burning against your skin. You stare at your enclosed palm. Were hoping that it landed on a certain side? You take a deep breath as you slowly begin to uncurl your finger you realize that you were hoping that the coin landed on a certain side. A smile graced your face when you saw that that side up the coin was facing up in your palm. 

“This is weird,” you remark with a light laugh. Your hands make a small gesture at Gunil and Jungsu who sit around the small table with you. It had been about a week since you realized who your heart beat-ed just slightly different for. You haven’t told him yet though. Leaving either of them waiting to hear your answer. 

“What? Never thought you would hang out with the two of us?” Gunil jested. 

“No,” you laugh. “Honestly once I started college I was sure I wouldn’t see the two of you ever again. Then even after talking to you both last week I didn’t expect to receive a message asking to hang out before you guys leave town.” 

“Honestly we weren’t really sure if you’d accept,” Jungsu said. 

“No reason not to,” you shrugged. 

“Have you decided yet?” Gunil asked. You knew what he was referring to. If you had picked between Jiseok and Jooyeon yet. 

“I have,” you answered. 

“Well?” he pressed. The two of them looked at you expectantly. 

“...Not saying,” you said cheekily. 

“That’s not fair. Why not?” Jungsu complained. 

“I haven’t even told him yet. Why would I tell you two?” you replied. 

“You haven’t told him yet? Why?” They both look at you shocked. 

“Because telling him also means having to tell the other one that it’s not him and I don’t want to hurt him,” you say. A sympathetic look takes over Gunil’s and Jungsu’s faces. 

“Rejecting people can suck. It is inevitable in this case though. You can’t hold off forever,” Jungsu says. 

“I know,” you sigh. “I feel sad enough just thinking about it. How am I supposed to tell him?”

“Write him a letter,” Gunil stated, resulting in you sending a glare at him.

“I’m never writing a letter again in my entire life thank you.” Even if everything has almost worked out now. A part of you can’t help, but resent those letters. Both Gunil and Jungsu laugh at your dramatic insistence. 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” Gunil said. 

“Yeah, you can do it,” Jungsu agreed. 

“Thanks,” you tell them. 

It felt like your heart was in your throat. It was even harder to say than you thought it would be. You looked at him from where he sat beside you, looking up at the sunlight that peeked through the tree leaves. 

“Jooyeon,” you called him. He looked at you, letting out a small hum. 

“Yeah?” You take a moment, looking at the features of his face. Then letting your eyes drift down to where his hand lays on the ground in the middle of you both. You want to grab it, but you refrain from doing so, eyes lifting back up to meet his. 

“I fingered out how my heart truly feels,” you say. It takes him a couple seconds to realize what you’re talking about. Once it clicks he feels his heart rate pick up. Though there’s just something in your eyes that makes him think he knows what you’re about to tell him. 

“It’s Jiseok isn’t it?” It hurts for him to say it. He can’t say that he’s surprised though. He knew there was something that lingered between you two. No one even questioned that lie he told about you guys back in highschool. Maybe he should have known then that ultimately you and Jiseok would end up together. 

“Yeah, it is. I’m sorry, but please don’t think that my feelings for you were a mistake or that I was just confused. I really did like you Jooyeon,” you tell him, taking his hand this time. Jooyeon needed that. He needed to hear you say that you liked him. That the girl he spent so many years silently loving did actually return his feelings. At least at one point in time you did. Even if it’s not anymore. 

“Thank you.” He gives your hand a squeeze. 

“Why are you thanking me?” You didn’t understand him. You just rejected him, yet here he was thanking you. 

“For liking me and writing me that letter. I know you probably hate them, but without them I don’t think we ever would have gotten here. I don’t know if I ever would have been able to tell you my feelings without all this happening. Even if I’m not the one, I’m still thankful that you get to know how I truly feel about you.” He swipes his thumb over the back of your knuckles. His words evoke a very poignant feeling. You know that Jiseok is the one for you, but that doesn’t make your and Jooyeon’s story any less bittersweet. 

“That’s true. If the letters hadn't gotten out I would still probably be ignoring my feelings,” you disclose.

“You haven’t told Jiseok yet right?” he checked. You shake your head, letting out a hum. “Then can I hug you?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” you smile, opening up your arms. In return Jooyeon wraps his arms around you, hooking his head over your shoulder. You let your arms come to rest around his frame. The pair of you stay like that for a while. It’s a very sentimental moment. Almost as if you're saying goodbye to feelings that could have been. When the two of you pull away Jooyeon decides to be the bravest he’s ever been. He presses a kiss onto your forehead. He knows it’s the only chance he’ll get. 

“I should punch you for that,” you jokingly say. 

“I regret nothing,” he states. Then laughter comes from either of you and you know that you’ll be ok, you can't get rid of him, just like he said. 

“So is this just a coincidence or did you cave and finally ask y/f/n for us to have another shoot together?” Jiseok questioned as he adjusted his rolled up sleeve. 

“I really wish people would stop bringing up the contents of those letters and for the record this is just a coincidence,” you state. You were still yet to tell Jiseok that he’s the one. You were planning on telling him very soon though. 

“I’m not complaining either way. I’ll take any excuse to hold you in my arms,” he says, pulling you closer to him by your wrists. 

“Jiseok!” You pushed his chest.

“We’re ready for you,” your friend notified you both. They guide the two of you to set. There’s a simple white backdrop, but there are some black pillars laid out that add contrast as well as match Jiseok’s black button down. There’s also some scattered red rose petals that match with your red dress.

“Ok, let’s start with you two facing each other,” the photographer tells. You and Jiseok turn to face one another. “Wrap your arms around her lower back,” they told Jiseok, to which he does with ease. “And you place your hands on his shoulders. Then both of you look at the camera,” they instructed. You place your hands on his shoulder. Both of you briefly lock eyes before you turn your head to look at the camera. You can feel your heartbeat against your chest. 

“Perfect!” The photographer called after a flash of lights. “Now look at each other,” they said. The two of you turn your heads, so that your eyes meet. Your breath hitches as you gaze into his eyes. He pulls you just a touch closer. 

“You two have such great chemistry,” the photographer praises, snapping multiple shots. “Rest your foreheads together,” they instruct. “Move your hands up to hold behind his neck and you can slide your hands a bit further up her back.” You move your hands up behind his neck, lightly letting your fingers brush through the hair that lies on the back of his neck. While Jiseok glides his hands up higher on your back. Your foreheads gently meet. Either of your breaths ghosting across each other’s faces.

“Jiseok,” you whisper.

“Yeah?” he whispered back. His eyes are looking at you intently. 

“Heads you win,” you say with a smile pulling at your lips. 

“Are you serious?” His hands hold you more firmly. 

“Yes.” You bump your nose with his. The camera snaps at the perfect moment to capture the bright smile that erupts on his face. He finally had the girl that he had been in love with for years. 

After the shoot Jiseok crushes you in a back hug. “Who are you to confess during a shoot when I could hardly do anything about it?” He presses a kiss to your cheek. A happy giggle escapes you. 

“I realized that I liked you during a photoshoot, so it seemed like a nice time to confess too. Full circle kind of thing,” you say. 

“How romantic of you,” he said, nuzzling his head against yours. 

“Plus it made for a great picture.” You pull out your phone and show your lock screen, displaying the photo of the moment you told him that he was the one. Jiseok feels his heart swell seeing the two of you on your phone screen. 

“Yeah, it did,” he agrees. He adjusts his hold on you, pulling you even closer against him.

“Jiseok we can’t walk like this,” you voice as you both are trying to walk through (Waddle through.) the parking lot. 

“Fine,” he sighs. He reluctantly lets you go, but he’s quick to grab your hand in his instead. “Better?”

You look down at your interlaced hands, up his arm and at him. Seeing how his eyes are sparkling as he looks at you. Feeling the comforting warmth of his hand. 

“Perfect,” you smile. He smiles back.

Epilogue

There have been six boys in your life that you’ve had a crush on: Goo Gunil, Kim Jungsu, Oh Seungmin, Han Hyeongjun, Kwak Jiseok and Lee Jooyeon. To each of these boys you wrote a letter. When those said letters got out you felt like your life was over. Not believing that those letters could possibly bring your life any good. Except they actually did. 

You ran into your first love, Goo Gunil and found out many things. One being that he and your first heartbreak, Kim Jungsu, are actually friends. You’re still not sure what kind of game life is trying to play with you there. However the more important thing you learned was that he actually did like you back then. It was just that Lee Jooyeon had to go and tell him a lie about you dating Kwak Jiseok. A lie that actually became the truth, but you’ll talk more about that later. All in all Gunil is still you’re what could have been, but you feel at peace knowing that all your laughter in physics did indeed mean something and who knows maybe one day he’ll tell you that you’re his first love too.

After reuniting with your first love you reunited with your first heartbreak, Kim Jungsu. That encounter showed that things aren’t always what they seem. Previously you could have sworn that Jungsu never liked you in the way you liked him. Now however you know that wasn’t true at all. You let him go selflessly for the sake of your friend’s happiness, but Jungsu actually held on to you selfishly. Because he actually liked you before you set him up with your friend and even after that. You did get over Jungsu, yet Jungsu never really did get over you. It wasn’t until your talk in the park that he truly could let you go. Still, even the mere thought of you will always bring a smile to his face. The same could be said about you when it comes to him.

There’s not much to say about your third crush/first boyfriend Oh Seungmin. The letters getting out didn’t magically spawn him back into your life like they seemingly did with Gunil and Jungsu. He’s still simply your beautifully tragic love story. The guy who taught you the highs and lows of love. 

Though you did finally end up crossing paths with him. You and Jiseok were out getting drinks. Standing hand in hand as you both waited at a crosswalk. That’s when you saw him. Standing on the other side of the crosswalk. You did just as you said you would do in the letter you wrote to him. You smiled at him, showing him that you were over him. He smiled back at you, but he couldn’t stop his eyes from lingering at yours and Jiseok’s linked hands. He couldn’t help thinking that you looked happier.

Just like Seungmin there isn’t much to say about  your fourth crush Han Hyeongjun, your across the hall crush. You keep your fond memories of him. Maybe even laugh about how you baked cookies especially for him only to leave a note saying that you “accidently made too many”. You haven’t seen him since you moved out of that apartment. In fact you aren’t even sure if he ever received the letter you wrote for him. You wrote the address of his apartment on it, but it’s very possible in the years the letters sat in your closet that he moved to a new address, so you can’t be certain. 

He did get your letter. He still lives in that same apartment. Even as the years pass he still recalls the moments of when you lived across the hall from him. Your talks in the elevator, in the halls. Receiving your letter made him miss you, arguably more than he already does. Because you seem to be the one that he can’t forget and he regrets not getting closer to you. You’ll always be his favorite neighbor.

Your sixth crush, Lee Jooyeon. That letter did completely change the relationship that you had with him. Because that letter changed everything. You found out that he liked you since high school. That’s why he told the lie about you and Jiseok dating. A lie that he thinks came back to bite him in the butt. Sometimes he thinks that that lie becoming true might just be his karma. 

After you rejected him things were awkward between you two for a while. Not as long as you thought they might be though. Soon enough you were back to your playful banter. You two actually became closer than you were before. You were no longer frenemies just friends. Truthfully Jooyeon isn’t 100% over you and he doesn’t know if he ever will be. He spent so much of his life loving you. He knows those feelings will never fully go away. He is happy with how things are though. He is content with how your friendship has grown. That he gets to laugh with you and fight with you. 

Now your fifth crush, but more importantly your boyfriend, Kwak Jiseok. The one that you realize how much you wanted with the flip of a coin. You’re still not entirely sure when you snuck his way into your heart. Sometimes you think maybe you had just the slightest of feelings for him the entire time. That your nonchalantness to his flirting was actually just proof of how comfortable you were with him. Sometimes when Jiseok thinks back he thinks that maybe his flirting with you wasn’t just his nature or him being playful. Maybe he always knew that you were the one for him. However even if you two did have some kind of underlying feelings all those years back it doesn’t really matter. Because Jiseok is not like every other guy you’ve had a crush on. You still love him. You’re in love with him and the two of you couldn’t be happier.

Find the series version here:

To All The Boys I've Loved Before Masterlist

taglist: @purplelady85 @gingerjunhan @chewednails @ezlynkisses @mon2sunjinsuver @mxlly143 @seungseung-minmin @junhanism @bee-the-loser

[gunilslaugh]

My lovely dear readers I deeply ask that you will give this long version a read even if you’ve already read the series. I know it is the same story, but I edited it more than I thought I would. I added about 2,000 words to it and I honestly love it so much more than the series version, so please support it. I would highly appreciate it <3 <3 <3

[gunilslaugh]

To All The Boys I've Loved Before Masterlist

The letters 💌:

Gunil 🩷

Jungsu 💛

Jiseok 🩵

Seungmin 💙

Hyeongjun 💚

Jooyeon 💜

Prologue: The six different boys you've had a crush on Chapter 1: Wallowing In Self Pity Chapter 2: Tangled Web Chapter 3: Complication Of Feelings Chapter 4: Who Do You Love? Chapter 5: The Truth Unfolds Chapter 6: More Confessions Chapter 7: A Flip Of A Coin Epilogue: Your life after the letters

[gunilslaugh]

So if I were to turn this series into one long fic 👀 (meaning all parts compiled into one with added scenes)

[gunilslaugh]

It's out now!!!

Read Here:

To All The Boys I've Loved Before Long Version

[gunilslaugh]

To All The Boys I've Loved Before Long Ver.

Featuring: Goo Gunil, Kim Jungsu, Oh Seungmin, Han Hyeongjun, Kwak Jiseok & Lee Jooyeon. Summary: You wrote a letter to every guy you’ve had a crush on. There were six letters in total. They were never meant to actually get sent out, but one day they do and it changes everything you thought you knew.  WC: 17k  Warning: small angst parts. 

Prologue

A crush: a state of intense infatuation, a strong romantic interest or attraction. Most people have one at some point in their lives. Feeling the butterflies dance in your stomach whenever they’re near. Yearning to be around them, but also feeling too nervous to approach. Daydreaming about them before you go to sleep at night. Sometimes going as far to do things that you will definitely find embarrassing later, just to impress them.  You have had six crushes total. Each boy stealing your heart in their own unique way. 

First there was Goo Gunil. A guy you went to high school with. He was a football player. Not a stereotypical cool and popular one though. Granted he did have a lot of friends and was friendly to everyone. He had a radiant smile that lit sparks inside of you and a laugh that was funnier than any joke that was being told. 

The way you met him was pretty cliche though. You were walking by the school field when a stray football came hurtling towards you. It hit you in the head so hard that you fell down, injuring one of your knees. He came over uttering a million apologies and once he saw your bleeding knee he didn’t think twice before putting on his back and carrying you to the nurses office. That’s when your crush on him started feeling the butterflies dance in your stomach. A sensation that fluttered into your heart as he insisted on holding the ice pack to your injured knee. 

Unfortunately your crush on him would fall short when you witnessed him get together with a cheerleader, one from your rival school at that. Still the memory of him makes your heart feel warm. You like to think of him as your first love. 

Second came Kim Jungsu. The two of you were assigned to do a project together. He was so kind and attentive that it was impossible to not fall for him. However you weren’t the only one to fall for the sweet boy. Your friend also fell for him and when she told you about her crush on him you made the decision to push your feelings aside. You even helped the two of them get together. An action that ultimately leads to your first heartbreak. It was only after seeing him being happy with your friend that you realized how much you liked him. By this time there was nothing you could do about it. 

You sacrificed your heart for your friend. Found out just how double edged the sword of selflessness is. Later when you and friend drifted apart. Your friendship fizzling out, you think you hated your selflessness even more. You broke your own heart so that your friend could be happy only for them to not even be a part of your life anymore. Still you found a way to make peace with it because you got to see pure happiness on Jungsu’s face and that made you happy too. 

Third, there was Oh Seungmin. Your first boyfriend. The first time one of your crushes didn’t end in disappointment. Arguably he probably is your real first love, but maybe due to the way your relationship with him ended you're a bit reluctant to admit that. 

Seungmin and you got together around the middle of your first year of college. He showed you all the happiness that being in love with someone can bring. You delusionally dreamed of him being your first and last. 

Then you got hit with reality when he showed you all the sadness and heartbreak that being in love with someone can bring. He cheated on you. You thought that the heartbreak you felt for Jungsu hurt. The heartbreak Seungmin gave you hurt so bad that it didn’t hurt. Not at first at least. His betrayal of your love left you feeling numb, almost zombie-like. Though after a while your heart healed and now you’re content with having loved and lost him.

Fourth, the cute quiet guy who lived across the hall from you, Han Hyeongjun. You just finished your second year of college and moved into an apartment that was near the place you were interning at for the summer, but also wasn’t too far from your college. 

He didn’t seem to have any interest in you, but that didn’t stop your heart from being interested in him. Your conversations with him were short. You loved all of them though. The pure glee you would feel run through your veins whenever you two ended up in the elevator together always put a smile on your face. 

Your crush on him would end up being short lived though. Your best friend came across the perfect apartment for you two to move into together, so you ended up having to say goodbye to Hyeongjun. It felt a bit bittersweet. All your attempts to grow closer to the quiet guy across the hall never worked out. The small smile he gave you when he told you goodbye though is a memory that you will keep in your heart forever. Because it told you that maybe all your efforts weren’t in vain.

Fifth, Kwak Jiseok, your brother’s best friend. You hate how cliche it is and you were never supposed to like him. In fact you were supposed to be the last person who would ever fall for him. You had known him for many years and had grown decently close to him. Close enough to even call him a friend of your own. He was never someone you would have romantic interest in though. Not when you saw him having a new girl on his arm every week and witness all of his flirting. Sometimes even being the victim of it. Not that it ever affected you. His flirting was always something that you could brush off without a care in the world. 

That was until the photoshoot that is. That stupid, heart fluttering photoshoot. It just had to be coupled themed. He just had to hold you in his arms, feeling all too intimate. It just had to awaken something in your heart. You just had to realize in the perfect timing for the flash of the camera to capture it, that you liked Kwak Jiseok. 

All those boys lead you to your sixth crush, Lee Jooyeon. You actually first met him in high school due to mutual friends. He was another boy who you would never have imagined yourself falling for. He was your frenemy. A person who you couldn’t talk to without bickering. There was no way you would ever have feelings for someone like him. That was until the two of you got lost in the woods together. Ironically enough it was a trip you went on so that you could avoid Jiseok and whatever newly discovered feelings you were feeling for him. That’s besides the point though because as you spent all those hours lost with Jooyeon the two of you got to talking and found out that the “enemy” in your two’s frenemy relationship wasn’t all that necessary. 

In fact you actually came to find that the feeling of his hand holding yours actually felt right. Which also ends up sending your head into a bit of a spiral because just days ago you wanted to smack him upside the head. Now you miss the feeling of his hand against yours and your heart wants you to be close to him. Truly what a tangled mess your heart has become. 

To each of these boys you have written a letter. A letter expressing your love or how they made you feel. 

💌 The Letters 💌

Gunil’s Letter : 💌

Dear Gunil,

I jokingly like to say that you are my first love. I hate how cliche it is, but that day we first met because you accidentally hit me with a football. It was pathetic how my heart fluttered when you carried me on your back to the nurses office. Though when you stayed to hold the ice pack on my injured knee maybe the feelings stirring in my heart were justified. 

Did you know that day in junior year physics when we picked a number out of a box for our assigned seats you were actually supposed to sit next to Jooyeon, but I forced him to switch numbers with me so that I could sit next to you. I think the real miracle is that he never spilled the beans about my crush on you. Physics wasn’t even that good of class. Ms. Kim literally read the textbook then told us to figure out the rest, remember? The classroom smelled like cheap wax candles too, but I was also so happy to go to physics cause it meant getting to see you. We would always end up laughing over trying to figure out which formula we were supposed to use. 

I was actually thinking about confessing to you. However I watched you get with someone else before I could. It was the last football match of the season. Our school versus our rivals. I was gonna confess to you before the game, but I chickened out. I was determined to ask you after though. I was making my way down the bleachers after the game when one of the cheerleaders from our rival school started walking across the field. I could see that she was carrying a sign behind her back. It almost felt like everything was in slow motion as I watched her pull out the sign from behind her back. “Be my boyfriend” it read and she was confessing to you. I can still hear your teammate’s voice yelling, “He said yes!” Though as you walked off hand in hand with her I can’t say that I felt heartbroken. Just like I missed out. That you’re the one who got away. Or maybe I was stupid to think that all our laughter in physics meant anything. Maybe I was wasting my time when I read all those books you liked, just so I could talk to you about them. 

Still if anyone ever asked who my first love was I’ll say it was you, Goo Gunil. A guy who's warm back and caring eyes I’ll never forget. 

Your old physics partner,

Y/n

Jungsu’s Letter: 💌

Dear Jungsu,

Where do I even begin? I guess you made me realize how much I’m willing to sacrifice for my friends. Because when I helped set you and y/f/n up I actually liked you too, but I saw how much she liked you and decided to give you up. I think you were actually my first heartbreak. Because when you and y/f/n finally got together I felt my heart shatter into pieces, but I could only wear a smile of happiness on my face. I only realized how much I liked you when I couldn’t have you.

I think the fact that y/f/n and I aren’t even friends anymore makes it worse. I sacrificed my heart for her just for us to end up as strangers with memories now. I can’t say that I regret it though. Because I remember how bright your smile shined when you were with her. I think that was a happiness I never could have brought you. Yeah, it hurt like hell, but if I could go back I would make the same decision or maybe I wouldn’t actually. 

I feel embarrassed to say this, but it’s not like you’re ever gonna see it anyway. Sometimes I think about if I didn’t let you go. If instead I told my friend that I liked you too. If I confessed to you would things have turned out differently? If you had to pick between me and her, who would you have picked? Actually you wouldn’t have picked. You would have rejected us both because you wouldn’t have wanted to affect our friendship. You were that kind of person. That’s what made me fall for you. How kind and considerate you were. Anyone who has you in their life is so lucky Jungsu and I hope that you know that.

This might sound weird to say, but you somehow managed to teach me a lot about myself, so thank you for breaking my heart. For showing me how strong feelings of love really are. On multiple fronts. Thank you for being the sweetest guy I ever met. I know you probably never thought about me in the way I thought about you. I just hope that if you ever happen to hear my name or think of me fond memories appear in your mind. Because even if my heart once ached over you, I can’t think about you without smiling. That’s how much I liked you Kim Jungsu.

The girl who liked you silently,

Y/n

Seungmin’s Letter: 💌

Dear Seungmin,

Seungmin, you were my first boyfriend. Probably my real first love. You also reminded me of the pain of heartbreak. When we first broke up I used to hate myself. How could I have just watched as you fell out of love with me and in love with her. In retrospect I really don’t understand myself. I held onto you for so long, yet didn’t actually make an effort to keep you. I guess I just wanted you to choose me. I shouldn’t have had to tell you “Hey why are you staring at her like how you used to stare at me?”

I’ll never forget the day that we broke up. I don’t know if you know that your friend came over that morning to tell me that he saw you kiss her. I didn’t move from that spot on the couch. I sat there all day until you came home. I felt so…numb. I wasn’t even surprised at what your friend told me. I wasn’t mad either. The pain came later, after you walked out the door. I was reminded that the word heartbroken is quite literal because that’s truly how my heart felt. 

Somehow I don’t hate you though. Granted I did for a while. Now though, no, I don’t. You were my first boyfriend, my first real relationship. You showed me all the ups and downs of loving someone. I hate how we ended. I think we both do though. I do believe that you regret it, but it was still something I had to draw the line at. 

I saw that you liked my post on insta a while ago. You quickly unliked it, but I still got the notification. I kinda like knowing that you stalk my page though. I won’t lie, I've checked yours from time to time too. 

It’s really weird, but I think if I saw you on the street I would smile at you. Just so you know that I’ve moved on and that I don’t hate you.

Oh Seungmin, at one point you made me the happiest I had ever been and at another you made me the saddest I had ever been. Thank you for the experience though, it was beautifully tragic. 

Your ex,

Y/n

Hyeongjun’s Letter: 💌

Dear Hyeongjun,

Cute quiet guy who lived across the hall. That was my first impression of you. Actually I quickly took an interest in you, but you never seemed to be interested in me. Anytime I tried to talk to you, your responses were short, sometimes blunt, even cold. I never let that get to me though I was determined to get closer to you.

I made you cookies one time. I lied and wrote on the note that I accidentally made too many. I made them with you in mind though Hyeongjun. Maybe I thought I could bake my way into your heart. I was quickly proved wrong though as I watched you take them from your door without as much as a smile on your face. Still I would not let myself be discouraged. Persistence is key right? I just have to keep trying. That’s what I thought.

When I found my new apartment it was actually hard to move away from you. That sounds so silly because we weren’t even close. In fact I kinda thought that you hated me. That I was your annoying neighbor you probably complained to your friends about. I just really had my hopes up that we could be something. 

Pleasantly enough though I found that I didn’t annoy you. “I don’t think you are. Have fun at your new place.” That was the most words you ever said to me and I’ll always remember them. Just like I’ll always remember the small smile you had on your face when you told me goodbye. 

It was such a trivial crush I had on you, but I was happy. I got giddy whenever I saw you. I really did want to get closer to you. I feel regretful that I couldn’t get past your gates. You were so close, literally right across the hall, but you always felt so distant. 

You know what though? If anyone ever asked me who was the best neighbor I ever had, the answer would be you. Han Hyeongjun, the cute quiet guy who lived across the hall from me. 

The girl who used to live across the hall,

Y/n

Jiseok’s Letter: 💌

Dear Jiseok,

Jiseok I hate you because you made me fall into the stupid cliche of a girl who crushes on her brother’s best friend. I don’t even know how you managed to do it. I remember all the times you flirted with me in the past and I never cared. Couldn’t even be bothered to bat an eye at it. I choose to blame that couple photoshoot we did. Because I swear I never thought about you like that before. There was just something about that shoot about the feeling of being in your arms. It’s like everything fell into place. Suddenly my heart was beating faster and I had to fight off a blush from consuming my face. We were only supposed to be playing a couple, so why did it feel so real, so intimate. 

That fact that there’s a picture that perfectly captures the moment I realized that I liked you. It makes me wonder, when did you sneak into my heart? Was it when you said you retired from flings and wanted to find a serious relationship? Or maybe every time you covered me with a blanket when I was sleeping on the couch you crept, snuck, bit by bit into my heart.

Speaking of me sleeping on the couch. Did you know that half the time you covered me with a blanket I wasn't actually asleep. I was just too comfortable to move or was procrastinating doing work, so I would just lie there with my eyes closed. 

Anyway I’m not quite sure how to act around you now. I’m supposed to be the last person who would fall for you, but now I daydream about being in your arms again. I’ve thought about asking y/f/n to pair us up for another photoshoot, but that would definitely make her raise a brow. I guess I can only hope for a situation where we get paired together again. 

I don’t know how I went so long without noticing how pretty your eyes are. I just want to stare at them, see the sparkles in them. Also I know I made fun of your cotton candy hair back then, but as I was looking back at the photos of you (because apparently that’s something I do now) with it. You actually pulled it off. 

Anyway I know I’ve lowkey been avoiding you since the photoshoot. I don't know how long it will last, but I hope we can talk like we used to one day.

Your best friends little sister,

Y/n

Jooyeon’s Letter: 💌

Dear Jooyeon,

Falling for my frenemy was never on my to-do list, but then we got lost in the woods together and everything changed. We realized that we didn’t really have a problem with one another. They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin, maybe we just got our sides mixed up. 

Seriously I never thought that I would hold your hand without wanting to saw off my own. The feeling of your hand in mine just felt right though. My hand even felt empty after we finally let go. It was as if I could feel the ghost of your hand still holding mine. 

We’ve never addressed the change between us though. We don’t fight like we used to, yet we’re also not really talking. Maybe we can have a normal conversation when our lives are at stake. Maybe fighting really is just our communication style. It’s weird. I never anticipated that I would want to talk to you. However this weird taboo land we’re in of being around each other, yet somehow still being so distant is killing me. Should I go back to pettily insulting your hair or should I take your hand in mine? Should I smack you or kiss you?

I hate how you’ve made my head such a mess. Like my brain itself is going back and forth between loving and hating you. Though you’ve always had a way of getting on my nerves haven’t you? I guess now it’s just different than before. Now you get on my nerves because you won’t talk about what happened in the woods. You stuck out your hand first, so why are you being a coward now?

I’m not any better though am I? I could bring it up. I could make the first move. Instead I just longingly stare at you from across the room. Remembering how your skin felt against mine and how I want to feel it again. 

“Jooyeon, I like you.” The words are simple enough aren’t they? Then why do they get stuck in my throat? Whatever doesn’t really matter anyway, because we would have to talk in order for me to say them to you. 

Your frenemy or whatever I am to you now,

Y/n

You wrote these letters with no intent of them never receiving them. In fact you think you would die if they ever did. You wrote them to sort your thoughts. To try and untangle the heartstrings of your heart. Maybe give you some closure in some cases. 

That’s why right now you felt like the world had stopped spinning or maybe it was spinning entirely too fast.

“What do you mean you sent the letters!?” You feel like you’re gonna throw up. Your young nephew looked up at you with innocent eyes. 

“Well you know my mom sent me into your room yesterday to grab the…things you put letters in. She told me they were in a box in your closet. I found two boxes, one that had…the things you put letters in and the other had letters. My mom taught me that it’s nice to do things for others, so I thought it would be nice if we sent out the letters for you,” your nephew told you. You can feel your blood beginning to boil in your body. Your breathing becomes irregular and your heart continually punches against your ribcage. 

“They are called ENVELOPES and NO! It wasn’t a nice thing to do!” you yelled at your nephew. A scared look took over his face seeing rage take over you. 

“W-wh-why not?” he stuttered, stepping back to put distance between you two.

You laugh. “Why not?” you repeated. “Why not!” You were becoming hysterical, but as soon as your manic laughter comes to an end.

“Run.” You deadpanned. Your nephew didn’t need to be told twice. He took off running down the stairs as fast as his short legs would carry him. You waste no time chasing after him.  

“Is this what people get for doing nice things?” your nephew shouts as he runs around your living room.

“That wasn’t a nice thing, this is gonna ruin my life!” You shout as you make a dash for your nephew who tried to use the couch in your living room to keep you from reaching him. You’re so caught up in trying to catch your nephew that you don’t even hear the sound of your front door opening. Nor do you notice that your brother and Jiseok have entered the room. 

It’s not until your nephew shouts, “Help me! She’s gone crazy!” That you notice their presence. 

“You think I’m being crazy now, wait till I catch you!” You lunge for him causing a shriek to leave his lungs. He runs to hide behind your brother.

“What did you do to her? Steal her snacks?” Your brother asked, looking at the child cowering behind him.

“Do you really think he can protect you? Just wait till I get my hands on you.” You went to reach around your brother and catch your nephew in your grasp, however a pair of arms circles around your waist and pulls you back. 

“Calm down. What happened?” Jiseok’s voice brushes past your ear. You go stiff in his hold. Your prior boiling blood runs cold in an instant. You want to scream, feeling too overwhelmed by everything, yet you also lose the ability to speak. 

“All I did was send out some letters for her, but she lost her mind over it and is acting like she wants to kill me,” your nephew spoke, defending himself.

“Letters?” Jiseok repeated. Your heart drops to your stomach. He’s already received it. He’s already read it. You can tell by the tone of his voice.

“I can’t do this. Let me go.” You pried at his arms holding you in place. You wanted to run. You wanted to hide. You wanted the earth to swallow you whole, You wanted to shrivel into ashes and blow away in the wind.

“Don’t! She’s gonna get me,” your nephew said, still cowering behind your brother. His little fists clenching onto the fabric of his shirt. Trying to use your brother as a shield. You let out a frustrated sigh still trying to remove Jiseok’s arms from around you. 

“I won’t. I won’t try to catch him anymore. Just please let me go,” you pleaded, sounding desperate. Because you were. Though it wasn’t about catching your nephew anymore. It was about getting away from Jiseok. You couldn’t be in the same room as him right now. You can feel Jiseok’s eyes looking at you, but don’t dare to look back at him, you can’t. His arms loosen around your middle and you waste no time in escaping from his arms and running off to your room. 

Once you locked your bedroom door you rushed over to your closet. Practically throwing the door open as you began frantically looking inside to find the box you kept the letters in. Surely this just had to be some kind of nightmare. It couldn’t be real. There was no way that the letters…got sent. Your heart sinks as you stare at the empty box. The letters were gone. They were sent to the hands you never wanted them to be in. You sink down onto the floor, bringing your knees to your chest. Eyes becoming glossy as you stare at the empty box. How could this be happening? 

A knock at your door interrupts your downward spiral. 

“Go away,” you respond. 

“Y/n.” It was Jiseok.

“I really can’t right now. I’m busy wallowing in self pity.” You fall down onto your side, a small thud sounding throughout your room as your upper body hits the floor.

“Y/n you don’t have to be embarrassed. Can you please open the door?” he asked. Don’t have to be embarrassed. Oh you were far beyond that. You wanted to cease to exist. You didn’t think your life could get any worse than this moment. 

“Can you please leave me alone?” you requested, eyes transfixed on the empty box.

“Y/n please, I don’t want to go through another period of time of you avoiding me again,” he pleaded. His words do sway your heart. His voice carried some raw emotion in it, but not enough for you to open the door. 

“It’s not just you. I don’t plan on leaving this room anytime soon,” you say. How could you? When you wrote those letters you wrote your most vulnerable raw truth. Wrote things you would never even dare imagine telling them in person. Now, they had all read feelings you kept protected buried in your heart. It only makes sense that you want to keep yourself locked in your room forever.

“Don’t make me climb through your window. I know that the lock is still broken,” Jiseok tells you. The lock had been broken for many years. Right before you went off to college you had a fight with a cockroach that led to the lock being broken. You were leaving for college soon enough and only visited home once in a while so getting the lock fixed wasn't on the top of your parents to-do list. 

Not wanting to deal with him climbing in through the window you push your body up from the floor. Your limbs feel extra heavy as you walk over to your bedroom door. Your fingers hesitate on the lock. Shaking as they turn it.

“It’s open.” You didn’t have the strength to open the door yourself. The sound of Jiseok turning the knob triggers your fight or flight and sends you flying under the covers of your bed.  Seriously, how were you supposed to face him? You feel hyper aware as you hear each one of his footsteps drawing in closer to you. 

“Y/n,” he says. Your bed sinks under his weight as he takes a seat on the edge of it. You can only manage out a hum as a response. “The letter sounded kinda old,” he said. 

“I wrote it a year ago.” Your voice is muffled because of the blanket you're hiding under, but Jiseok still understands you. 

“Can you stop hiding?” he asked. 

“Mhm” you shake your head from under the blanket and pull the blanket even tighter around your body. Jiseok sighs, but doesn’t push any further. 

“Your nephew said that he sent letters, so I’m not the only one who got one right?” he questioned. His question makes you sink further into the blanket. Almost as if the situation weighs heavier on you. “Y/n,” he gently called you.

“I wrote a letter to every guy I had a crush on, ok,” you snapped, quickly sat up, causing the blanket to fall from your body. Jiseok can see how disheveled and overwhelmed you are. It makes his heart ping with sadness. 

“It can’t be that bad,” he tried to comfort you. It really didn’t feel like it. In fact it felt like things couldn’t get worse. 

“I mean I guess four of the guys aren’t even in my life anymore, so I don’t really need to worry about them right?” You tried to find a sliver of positiveness. However, life just had to prove you wrong about that because almost on cue with you finishing your sentence your phone went off with a notification. You pick up your phone only for it to fall from your hands, slipping onto your mattress with a thud. The notification was a message from Goo Gunil, your very first crush. 

“I think I’m actually going to throw up,” you say, wrapping your arms around your queasy feeling stomach.

Moments later to make things worse you can hear the front door of your house swinging open. 

“Y/n would you care to explain a piece of mail I received this morning!” 

It was Lee Jooyeon.

Your blood runs cold. You swear you can hear his footsteps walk across your living room and begin up the stairs. Your eyes shift over to your bedroom window. You had to get out of here. Suddenly you're springing up from your bed and dashing over to the window. 

“What are you doing?” Jiseok questioned, his face sprouting a look of concern. Then he sees you open the window and begin to make your way out. “Hey! Hey! No!” He’s rushing over to you. “You can’t jump out the window y/n.” His arms circle around your waist and pull you back, just like they did not all that long ago.

“You don’t want to see me so bad that you’d rather jump out the window?” It was Jooyeon. Of course he made his way to your room by now and was standing in your doorway. You make the mistake of turning to look at him. You can’t even look at him long, quickly averting your eyes. 

“I-” You sigh, not knowing what to say. “You can let go now Jiseok,” you tell him. His arms loosen and fall away from your body. He then steps over to close your window. 

“So I got an interesting piece of mail this morning,” Jooyeon said, reaching into his jacket and pulling out an envelope. One that will probably haunt you for the rest of your life. “Care to explain?” he twiddled the letter between his fingers.

“No, n-not really.” You look down at your feet. Again the feeling of wanting the earth to swallow you whole takes over you.

“Her nephew found the letters and sent them out,” Jiseok explained for you. Jooyeon tried to stifle his laughter at the information Jiseok just shared, but he couldn’t, finding the situation to be quite comical. 

“That, that is comedy gold,” he states in huffs between his laughter. Then he stiffens as if he was struck with something. “Wait, did you say letters?” he asks. It suddenly hit him that he wasn’t the only one who received this love letter of sorts from you.

“Yes, letters,” you emphasized. “Because I was dumb enough to write a letter to each guy I ever had a crush on.” You hide your face in your hands, still feeling mortified over the whole ordeal. You can feel both Jiseok and Jooyeon’s eyes on you and wish you had the ability to disappear. 

“It’s really not dumb.” Jiseok tried to comfort you.

“Did Gunil get one too?” Jooyeon abruptly asked. You take your hands away from your face, your gaze moving to where your phone lies on your bed, being reminded of the message that Gunil sent you. “Did he contact you?” His question sounds more frantic. 

“You know what, I really can’t do this right now. Can you both please leave?” you say as the overwhelming feeling (that never really died down) picks up inside you again. 

“Answer me. Did Gunil get a letter?” Jooyeon asks again. Why does he sound so desperate? 

“Why does it matter?” you questioned. Though you didn’t give him much time to answer before you sigh. “But you know what? Fine, if you guys don’t want to leave. I will leave.” You desperately needed some space to yourself. You walk over to your bed picking up your phone and briskly brush past Jooyeon on the way out of your room. The two boys go to follow you, however your brother stepped in front of them stopping them. 

“Let her go. It’s time I put on my protective big brother hat.” Your brother mimed putting on a hat. “She’s clearly really overwhelmed right now. I get that you guys probably have questions, but she’s not in a state to answer them right now. Especially if it’s you two.” 

Jiseok wasn’t entirely listening to what your brother, his best friend, was saying. His main focus was on you as you made your way out of your house. He really does want to run after you, but the last sentence your brother said caught his attention. 

It caught Jooyeon’s attention as well. “What do you mean especially if it’s us two?” he questioned. Jiseok looked at your brother wanting to know the answer as well. 

Meanwhile your feet didn’t slow down once you were out of your house. They moved fast, sounding on the pavement. You felt like you had to get as far away as possible. You made it to a cafe that was a few miles away from your house. You ordered your drink then took a seat at one of the tables outside. As you sip your drink you feel like you're finally able to relax a bit. You lean back in your chair, trying not to think about the events that just happened. Your peace was very short lived though. 

“Y/n?” A voice called. It has been years, but you still recognize it. 

It was Goo Gunil. 

Your eyes widen as you see him standing in front of you. Life really did hate you didn’t it?

“Gunil..hi” you say awkwardly. 

“Can I sit?” He gestured to the chair in front of you. You think it over briefly in your head. Oddly you find that seeing Gunil here in front of you didn’t cause the same sense of panic that facing Jiseok or Jooyeon did. 

“Sure,” you replied. He pulled out the chair and took a seat. 

“How have you been?” he asked, causing you to laugh. 

“Well…could definitely be better,” you say. “You don’t have to waste time with small talk though. You want to know about the letter right?” You cut to the chase. 

“I was surprised to receive it,” he tells you. “Though my biggest question isn’t necessarily about the letter itself,” he adds. 

“What do you mean?” you question, brows pulling together. You lean forwards too, resting your arms on the table.

“You didn’t read my message I take it.” Using his head he nods to your phone that’s sitting on the table. 

“Look when letters you wrote to guys that you’ve had a crush on suddenly get sent when they were supposed to stay tucked away in your closet forever. You’re not really in the mood to read messages, specially when they are from one of those said guys,” you tell him with a hint of dry humor.

“I understand.” Gunil raised his hands slightly. “Why did you address them though if you never wanted to actually send them?” 

“Because I’m an idiot,” you laugh. “I don’t know. I guess they just felt unfinished without the addresses and I kinda wrote them as a form of closure so…” You trailed off and leaned forward to grab your drink, swirling it for a moment before taking a small sip.

“Well for the record our laughter in physics didn’t mean nothing. It's sweet that you read the books I liked just so you could talk to me about them,” he tells you. A bit of embarrassment bubbles in your stomach. 

“I forgot I wrote that part.” You cringe, making Gunil chuckle.

“I guess I should get back to my main question. The main reason why I was surprised to get this letter was because I thought you were dating Jiseok back then,” he tells you. 

“What!?” Your voice raises in shock, facing contorting into a state of confusion. “W-where did you get that from?”

“Jooyeon. He told me that you were dating Jiseok,” he reveals. 

“Like Lee Jooyeon?” you checked. 

“Yes, Lee Jooyeon. The one we had physics with.” He confirmed. 

“Why would he do that?” You’re completely utterly confused. You always thought it was a miracle graced by God that Jooyeon never outed your crush on Gunil, but now you’re finding out that he told Gunil you were dating Jiseok.

“Jooyeon wait a sec,” Gunil called Jooyeon at the end of physics class.

“What’s up?” Jooyeon asked, pausing to see what Gunil wanted. 

“I know you and y/n aren’t the closest, but do you know if she’s seeing anyone? Or is interested in anyone?” he asked. Jooyeon felt multiple feelings bubble in his stomach. One was jealousy. He knew that you liked Gunil. That made him feel jealous enough, but now, finding out that Gunil has an interest in you too. That was quickly becoming something he couldn’t handle. Which transpired into the second feeling he felt mixing around his stomach, guilt. For what he was about to say. 

“Yeah, sorry man,” he acts sympathetic. “She and Jiseok are dating.” He knows he should not have lied, but what you don’t know can’t hurt you right? Now he can only pray that you will never find out about this.

“Oh, ok. Thanks.” Gunil says. Jooyeon feels even more guilty when he sees the dejected look that fell across Gunil’s face. Yet he doesn’t feel guilty enough for it to override his selfishness in not wanting to see you with someone else. 

You seriously couldn’t understand it. Why would Jooyeon lie about you dating Jiseok?

“I’m not sure,” Gunil replied. He pauses and looks down at his hands that he had folded on the table. It looked like he was debating something. 

“What is it?” you questioned.

“I-” A small laugh leaving him interrupts his sentence. “I don’t really know why I’m thinking about saying this or not, but I actually had a small crush on you back then in high school,” he revealed. 

“You did?” A feeling of melancholy washes over you. 

“Yeah I did.” A small smile tugged on his lips, but his eyes gave you a bittersweet look. “Then Jooyeon told me that you were dating Jiseok. I admit that I did initially think that that was weird because you never mentioned dating him, but I can’t remember if it was the same day he told me or a few days later. I saw you with Jiseok while you were waiting for your brother. Jiseok had one arm up, leaning against the wall beside your head. Like half-way caging you. He was showing you a video on his phone. You seemed really comfortable with him. After that I thought what Jooyeon said was true.” he explained. 

It takes you a bit to try and process what he just told you. Your first crush, the one you like to call your first love, did actually like you back. On top of that Jooyeon lied to him about you dating Jiseok and because of Jiseok’s flirting nature plus you being nonchalant to it, Gunil mistook Jooyeon’s lie for the truth.

“I should have pushed Jooyeon out of the window instead of trying to jump out of it,” you grumbled, catching Gunil off guard. 

“I’m sorry what? You what?” Gunil looked at you with a mix of shock and confusion.

“It’s fine, Jiseok wouldn’t let me,” you tell him. Though your statement only makes Gunil grow more confused. 

“You were with both Jooyeon and Jiseok? I didn’t know you guys all hung out together,” he said. 

“Oh, we don’t. It’s just those stupid letters have really complicated things,” you told him.

“Excuse me if this is just me jumping to conclusions, but does that mean they both got one too?” he checked, referring to the letters.

“Yep.” You nod. “Two people who past me never would have imagined falling for, yet somehow, I did,” you say. 

“I mean I believed that you were dating Jiseok back in high school, so that’s not all that surprising, but Jooyeon. That one does surprise me. You two couldn’t have one conversation without fighting,” he remarks. 

“Oh I know.” You laughed and thought back on how you and Jooyeon used to be. “Last year we got lost in the woods together and everything changed, but at the same time not much actually changed,” you shared.

“Say more,” he urged you to keep going. Clearly become intrigued on what caused your change of heart towards Jooyeon.

“Well if I tell you about how I developed a crush on Jooyeon I actually need to start with me liking Jiseok,” you tell him.

“What kind of tangled web is this?” Gunil laughs. 

“Tell me about it,” you with an exaggerated sigh. “Anyway, long story short. I only went on the trip in the woods to avoid seeing Jiseok, who I realized that I liked after doing-Actually while doing a photoshoot with. Then somehow after getting lost in the woods with Jooyeon for a few hours realized that maybe all our fighting was for nothing. That love and hate really are two sides of the same coin,” you sum up. 

“That sounds like quite the complication of feelings,” Gunil notes. 

“It is. Was?” You're not sure which one. Things are definitely still complicated, but you’re not sure if it’s because of those old, or maybe not so old, feelings. “The main thing I’m really confused about right now though is why Jooyeon would lie to you about me dating Jiseok,” you changed the topic. 

“Only he knows the answer to that. You’ll have to talk to him about it,” he says. At the mention of talking to Jooyeon you feel the sense of panic start to build. As much as you wanted to know why he lied you still don’t think you’re ready to fully face him. 

“You don’t want to?” Gunil picks up on your shift in mood. 

“It’s weird. I feel really comfortable talking to you right now, but earlier when Jiseok and Jooyeon wanted to talk to me, I was so freaked out and panicky. I had this overwhelming feeling that I just had to get away,” you disclosed. 

“What makes me different from them?” he questioned. Deep down you knew why. Because you were completely over Gunil, however the same couldn’t be said for Jiseok or Jooyeon. No matter how much you pushed down and ignored those feelings. No matter how much you tried to get back to how things used to be. They were never going to because feelings change things. Your heart still yearned for either of them. Writing down your feelings in a love letter didn’t make them go away. Shutting the letters away in your closet only mirrored how you shut the feelings away in your heart. 

“I’m over you…but not them.” You're forced to face the truth. You like Jiseok and you also like Jooyeon. Your admittance makes you feel just like you did a bit over a year ago. Like you're stuck in some kind of love maze. Not knowing how to navigate your way out or who will be the one at the end of it. 

“You know I actually know someone who liked two people at once,” Gunil states. 

“Really? What did they do?” you asked. 

“If you want to know you can talk to him about it yourself. You know him too or knew him at least,” he tells you. You start to feel confused. Who was Gunil talking about?

“Who is it?” you inquired. 

“Kim Jungsu.” 

“Let’s talk in my room.” Your brother guides Jiseok and Jooyeon the short distance to his bedroom then gestures for them to enter. He has the pair of boys sit on the edge of his bed while he grabs his desk chair and rolls it over to sit in front of them. He takes a breath and folds his hands together over his lap.

“I’m not proud of what I’m about to admit,” he starts. “I may have been a snoopy big brother and one day I found the letters y/n was hiding in her closet. Naturally I read them,” he said.

“That is such an invasion of privacy,” Jiseok stated, clearly judging. 

“Yeah dude that’s not cool,” Jooyeon said, feeling just as judgemental about your brother’s behavior.

“Look I know, but I had good reason. I notice something off in y/n’s behavior. She started to avoid Jiseok. In all the years that she’s known Jiseok she had never done that and when I asked her about it, she acted like she wasn’t. Since she wouldn’t answer me I went looking for answers myself,” he explained. 

“You didn’t think to ask Jiseok if he knew why?” Jooyeon asked, motioning to Jiseok. 

“He did ask, but I didn’t really know why either,” Jiseok answered. 

“Precisely, so like I said I went looking for answers. Y/n was away for the weekend. Gone out on a hiking/camping trip, whatever it was in the woods. I took this opportunity to look through her room and I found a box that contained some letters. Letters that were addressed to some guys. Now, I swear I really wasn’t gonna pay much attention to them, but then I saw that one was addressed to Jiseok. Naturally I had to read it and that’s when I discovered y/n’s crush on Jiseok.” He paused to think about if he should really expose the rest of what he did. “Then I read the rest of the letters, which is debatable on if I should have done that,” he admitted, figuring the whole context might be important.

“You shouldn’t have,” Jiseok stated firmly, giving him a disproving look.

“I’m sorry. I’m nosy,” your brother said. “But look I’m about to get at something. At this time there were only five letters. Jooyeon’s hadn’t been written yet,” your brother informed. “So things get a bit more interesting from here. Once y/n got back I noticed that she was acting even stranger. Now imagine my surprise when one night she came back looking extra exhausted, so I jokingly asked her if she and Jooyeon really got into it. Only for her to tell me that she and Jooyeon weren’t fighting. In fact they hadn’t bickered in a while.” Jiseok turns to Jooyeon. 

“You two stopped fighting?” he asked, shock apparent on his face. 

“It’s been weird for me too,” he says, scratching the back of his neck.

“Back to the story,” your brother cuts back in to continue. “I used my new degree in sleuthing to check her closet again and when I opened the box that contained the letters I found Jooyeon’s. At first I thought ‘Wow she got over Jiseok quick’, but then I remembered that she was still avoiding Jiseok and why would she do that if she was over him? She wouldn’t, so I came to the conclusion that she liked you both, at the same time. That’s why she was acting so strange,” he concludes. 

Jiseok and Jooyeon look at each other. A kind of tension building between them. 

“One other thing. Your guys' letters are different from the others. The other four of them sound like she was reflecting on her feelings for them. Like she was clearly over them, but you two.” He points at them. “They were written while she had feelings for you,” he adds. 

Again Jiseok and Jooyeon look at one another. Did you really like them both at the same time? Who would you pick?

“You know Jungsu! How? I mean we all went to the same high school, but you didn’t know him then right?” your question flowed. 

“We met in our first year of college. Funny enough we had both recently broken up with our girlfriends. We ended up bonding over it. Then one day I was trying to find a picture to show him and he saw the picture we took in physics when we did the lab on Newton’s Laws. That’s how we found out we were both old friends of yours,” he told you. 

“What game is life playing? Making my first love and first heartbreak friends,” you remark with a slight laugh.

“Since you mention that. If you feel comfortable, I think that you should talk to Jungsu. Not just about your Jiseok, Jooyeon thing, but since he received the letter I can tell that he wants to talk to you about it. I think he knows that you didn’t intend for them to get sent, so he’s gonna act like he never received it,” Gunil informed you. 

“He’s still sweet like that,” you say, remembering how much of a kind soul Jungsu was. 

“Yeah, he is and I really think that you should talk to him,” he insisted. 

Talking to Jungsu definitely didn’t sound like a bad thing. In fact you think it would be nice to hear his voice again, to see him again after all these years. 

“I think I will. It would be nice to see him again,” you said. Gunil smiles. With that yours and Gunil’s little reunion comes to end, but before you say goodbye you can’t help but ask one last question. 

“Gunil, if Jooyeon didn’t lie about me dating Jiseok do you think we could have been a thing?” you ask. 

“Will my answer make you push Jooyeon out of a window?” he asked humorously, resulting in you breaking out into laughter. 

“The thought may cross my mind,” you replied back with the same humorous tone. “But no. I just would like to know,” you tell him, tone becoming more serious.

“Then yeah we probably would have. I liked you and you liked me, so it sounds like pretty good odds.” It feels like his answer heals a part of your younger self. The younger you who felt like you missed out on Gunil because you were too cowardly to confess in time. 

“Thank you,” you say to him as you’re about to part ways.

“For what?” he asked. 

“For being my first love,” you say with a lighthearted chuckle. 

“Thank you too,” he said.

“For what?” you questioned. 

“For writing me that letter.” He smiled warmly at you. For once you don’t completely despise writing those letters. 

The two of you go your separate ways. Gunil looks back at you, watching as you make your way down the pavement. “Thank you for being my first love too.” You don’t hear it, you're too far away, but Gunil feels a sense of peace in saying the words. He feels like a piece of his younger self got healed too. Knowing that he didn’t have to beat himself up about not expressing his interest in you sooner.

After you rounded the corner you pulled out your phone. You go to Jungsu’s social media and hit to send him a message. “Can I borrow your chemistry notes?” you type. It was an old excuse you used just so you could talk to him. You hit send and let out a small breath. He replied a lot quicker than you thought he would. Almost like he was waiting for you to reach out to him.

Kim Jungsu

Of Course :) Where should we meet?

You arranged to meet with Jungsu at a park. As you near the park you begin to feel more nervous than you thought you would. The simultaneous pinging on your phone does nothing to soothe those nerves. 

Jiseok

Are you ok?

You’ve been out a while and we don’t know where you are.

I can drag Jooyeon out of the house with me if you really don’t feel comfortable seeing us right now.

I’m sorry too for earlier. I didn’t mean to stress you out. I’m just scared of you avoiding me again.

Jooyeon

You didn’t get yourself lost did you?

I’m sorry if I was a bit much earlier.

You were right when you called me a coward in the letter, but I think I want to stop being one.

When you feel like it, can we finally talk about what happened in the woods last year?

A mix of emotions stirs in your heart as you look at their messages. How were you going to handle this? 

When you arrived at the park you spotted a familiar person sitting on a park bench. A smile tugged at your lips. 

“Kim Jungsu!” you called, approaching the bench. Jungsu turns to look at who called him and a smile lights up his face when he sees that it’s you. 

“Hi y/n,” he greeted you as you took a seat beside him on the bench. It’s the same voice that used to give you butterflies. 

“You’re not any different,” you noted, causing Jungsu to laugh. 

“I’ve said two words to you,” he responded, laughter still in his voice. 

“I can just tell,” you say. A laugh of your own escaping. 

“Did you pick this place on purpose?” he asked you, looking around the park. 

“It’s the last place we saw each other,” you stated. 

This was the last time that you were going to see Jungsu. That thought weighed heavy on your heart all day. Then again your heart always seemed to weigh heavy when you were with Jungsu. Because the ache in your heart never fully went away. Knowing that he was happy with someone else. Someone who wasn’t you. Yet you still found a way to smile through the pain. To treat Jungsu as a “friend”. 

“Jungsu!” You called his name brightly when you saw him sitting on the park bench. 

“Y/n!” He called you back just as brightly, watching you approach him. 

The stars hung themselves in the sky while you and Jungsu found yourselves sitting on the swings that hung from the old metal bar of the playground. Either of you were gently swinging back and forth, feet dragging against the ground. 

“I’m gonna miss you, you know?” you speak softly. You try to look at Jungsu, but realize that you can’t and opt for looking at the twinkling stars instead. 

“I’m gonna miss you too. I can’t believe we’re not going to the same college,” he says, looking down at where his feet drag the ground. 

“I know, actually I-” You’re leaving in three days. This, right here in this park, on this swingset, will be the last time you see Kim Jungsu. 

“You actually?” You can feel him turn to look at you. You remove your eyes from the stars working up all your courage to look at him for the final time. When you lock eyes with you realize you really can’t say goodbye.

“I’m actually really surprised about going to a different college too. I always thought me and f/n would go to the same one.” It’s not exactly a lie, but you just knew you couldn’t keep being around Jungsu anymore. Your heart hurted too much. Like it had an open wound that never stopped bleeding.

“Yeah, I remember you two talking about sharing a dorm earlier this year,” he notes. 

“Yeah…” you say barely above a whisper, looking down at your feet. You take a breath and stand up from the swing. “It’s getting late. I should probably get going. My mom’s already getting on me about needing to pack.” You were already packed, but Jungsu was never going to get to know that. 

You can hear Jungsu take a deep breath before he stands up too. You can hear the sound of him wiping his hands on his pants. 

“Yeah, I should get packing too honestly, but I can walk you back,” he offered. You immediately shake your head. It was really starting to hit you that this, this very moment, was your last time seeing Jungsu. You didn’t know how much longer you could hold back the tears that so desperately wanted to gloss over your eyes.

“No, it’s fine. Thank you though,” you say. 

“Ok, get home safe,” he tells you.

You nod, “You too.” You want to hug him, to feel him close one last time. To forget that he isn't yours and never was for just a few moments, but you don’t. Instead you give a small wave and turn your back, walking away from him. It was finally time for you to get over Jungsu. With each step you take away you feel your wounded heart begin to chip away. Piece by piece falling apart.

“Except I didn’t know that it would be the last time,” he said. You can hear a bit of sadness lying in his tone. He’s looking over towards the swingset that the two of you sat on that night. You can feel the guilt grow inside of you, remembering the last moment you spent together. 

“I’m sorry. I guess I was too much of a coward-” An ironic chuckle falls from your lips as you say the word. “to say a proper goodbye to you,” you sincerely apologize.

“I guess I just thought that we were closer.” His words stung, landing sharp pricks on your heart.

“I think we were too close.” Your words stung too. Both of your guys' words are true. You were closer. Definitely close enough that Jungsu deserved a proper goodbye instead of you just disappearing. You were also too close. You shouldn’t have been invited to third wheel on as many dates as you did. You shouldn’t have let Jungsu walk you to as many classes as you did. Jungsu shouldn’t have called you to hang out whenever your friend canceled their dates.

“I would have picked you, back then. If you  didn’t decide to give me up. If I had known I would have picked you,” he tells you. 

“What?” It felt like everything froze for a second. 

“I did think about you in the way you thought about me,” he says. 

“I...ah what?” The moment felt surreal. You almost couldn’t process the words that he was saying. 

“This isn’t what you expected right? Truthfully though…” He grabbed one of your hands that was resting on your lap. You look at his hand holding yours. You remember how you used to daydream about what it would be like for him to hold your hand. “I liked you back then,” he confessed. 

“What?” Your eyes widened, snapping to look at him and your voice raised a bit in shock. “But you got together with f/n.” 

“I know it sounds strange, but I liked you first. Then you started to help f/n hit on me. At first it hurt honestly. The girl I liked was trying to set me up with someone else. Naturally I thought you weren’t interested in me. I thought that I would never be interested in f/n, yet somehow the more time we spent together I actually grew feelings for her too,” he explained. 

“You liked us both?” When Gunil told you that Jungu liked two people at the same time you never envisioned that you would be one of them. 

“Do you think that’s weird?” he questioned. 

“No.” You shook your head. “I actually like two different guys right now. That’s kinda why I wanted to talk to you.” It almost feels like some kind of whiplash as you get reminded about the reason why you contacted Jungsu in the first place. “By chance I ran into Gunil earlier and ended up telling him about it and he suggested talking to you,” you continued. 

“I know he texted me,” Jungsu disclosed with a hint of a chuckle.

“Of course he did,” you chuckled too.

“You don’t know who to pick?” He stated the obvious. 

“I didn’t even know who to respond to first, so I didn’t text either of them back,” you groaned, head falling back.

“That bad?” he laughed. 

“Don’t laugh,” you tell him, picking your head back up, but you were laughing too. 

“Can I see the messages?” he asked. 

“Sure.” You grabbed your phone and showed him the display of unanswered messages. 

“Jooyeon? Like the one I’m thinking of?” he checked. 

“Yes, that Jooyeon. I know it’s surprising,” you confirmed. 

“So something happened in the woods?” He inferred from the text as he pointed to the screen. 

“We got lost and found out that we didn’t actually have any problems. Something shifted between us then but,”

“You never talked about it,” he finished. You nod with a hum. “And Jiseok, like your brother’s friend Jiseok?” He double checked.

“Yep,” you confirmed, popping the p at the end. 

“I thought you dated him back in highschool,” he said confused. 

“You heard that too?” you asked, feeling flabbergasted and wondering just how many people heard about you supposedly dating Jiseok. “You know what I lied, I do have one problem with Jooyeon. Why the heck did he lie about me dating Jiseok?”

“Oh it was Jooyeon that spread it? I just heard it around the halls,” he tells you. 

“How did I not hear it?” you questioned. “And nobody thought to ask me, everyone just believed it?” you added. 

“You two looked like a couple. I remember him flirting with you too,” he stated, thinking back on how you and Jiseok used to interact.

“That was because he was a serial flirt,” you explained. 

“Ok, when did you actually start liking him then?” he asked. 

“While we were doing a photoshoot. It was couple themed and it just felt so real, too real,” you answer. 

“It scared you?” he questioned.

“A bit yeah. Felt a lot of feelings at once,” you replied. You thought for a moment then asked him, “You said you would pick me? If you knew back then. How do you know that?”

“Because I can’t think about you without smiling and f/n and I actually broke up not too long after you disappeared for college,” he revealed. 

“Really?” You turned on the bench to face him more directly.

“Yeah. You were selfless when you gave me up, but I didn’t exactly give you up. Even when I was with her we were friends. I walked you to class, even some that were out of my way. I really shouldn’t say this, but I would get happy when she would cancel our dates, cause it meant I could hang out with you, so when you were actually gone. She could tell that I was happier when you were around. She put the pieces together on her own that I must’ve liked you too and she ended things with me,” he shared. 

“Well now I feel kinda bad,” you voice. Even without your feelings for Jungsu being out you somehow still played a part in their breakup. 

“No. Don’t. It’s not your fault,” he reassured you. “I will now however let you go.” He released your hand that he was still holding since he told you that he liked you back then. 

“I’m sorry there’s not one simple thing I can say that will help you decide between the two. I can only say to listen to your heart. In there you know who you love. I know it probably seems too confusing right now, but I promise the heart beats just a touch different for the one.” 

“Thank you,” you tell him. 

“I’m glad I got to see you again,” he smiled at you. 

“Me too,” you smiled back. That smile that you can never fight off when it comes to Jungsu. 

“And I’m glad this park won’t seem so sad anymore,” he adds. 

“That is why I picked this place. I didn’t want to be a coward again,” you admit. 

“I guess this is goodbye then?” he said. 

“Yeah, I got a bone to pick with Jooyeon,” you chuckle. Jungsu chuckles too. 

“Goodbye.” He stood up and opened his arms for a hug, one last time. 

“Goodbye.” You hugged him. It’s healing, comforting, a moment neither of you will forget. The two of you part giving each other one last smile. You begin to leave the park and start on your walk back home. 

“I’ll always smile when I think about you too.” He watches as you leave. He feels like the wound you left on his heart heals. He takes another look at those swings, but this time he smiles, remembering all the fond memories you shared on them and with that he turns to walk away, going on his own path.

“Jooyeon! Care to explain why you told Gunil I was dating Jiseok back in highschool!” You shouted upon entering your house. 

Upstairs in your brother’s room Jooyeon feels his blood run cold. He feels hyper aware of the sounds of your footsteps. Hearing you head up the stairs. His head turns to look at the window in your brother’s room. 

“What’s with that look?” Jiseok questioned. It feels like deja vu especially when Jooyeon rushes over to the window, wasting no time in opening it. He begins to make his escape. “Hey! Hey! No!” Jiseok is quick to get up, along with brother. Both of them hurriedly making their way to Jooyeon and restraining him from jumping out of the window. 

“You can’t jump out of the window!” Your brother told Jooyeon, making the effort to pull him away from the window, whilst Jiseok closes it. 

“You don’t want to see me so bad that you’d rather jump out the window?” You had entered the room. Jooyeon makes the mistake of looking at you. He can’t hold eye contact with you long, quickly averting his gaze.

“I-” He started, but his response fell short. Only a sigh leaves him. “You can let go now,” he tells your brother. Your brother loosens the grip he had on Jooyeon, letting him go. 

“So I happened to run into Gunil by chance and he happened to disclose some interesting information to me. That back then you told him I was dating Jiseok. Care to explain?” you asked, folding your arms over your chest and arching a brow. 

“No, n-not really.” He looked down at his feet.

“He did what?” Jiseok joined the conversation. Looking at you then shifting his eyes to Jooyeon. 

“He told Gunil that you and I were dating,” you reiterated. “You know I did think it was strange that he brought up Gunil earlier, but now I guess I know why. He was worried about his little lie getting out.”

Jooyeon is yet to look up from his feet. It seems like karma has finally caught up to him. His lie from all those years ago is back to bite him, but he knows that he can’t remain silent. He takes a shaky breath and lifts his head up. 

“Yes, I lied to Gunil back then about you dating Jiseok,” he admits to his fault. 

“Why would you do that? Y-you knew that I liked him.” The hurt in your voice stabs Jooyeon like a knife. His stupid teenage brain back then didn’t think about the hurt his lie could cause you. He just didn’t want to watch the girl he liked get with another guy. 

“I think you two should finish this conversation in your room,” your brother cuts in. Jiseok almost wants to protest. Since your brother informed him and Jooyeon of the fact that you had feelings for the both of them. At least you did in the past. He feels reluctant to think of you speaking to Jooyeon alone. Especially since anyone could probably read what direction the conversation was heading. Abelite the feeling of wanting to be in the same room as you, so that he knows he’s not losing you to Jooyeon. Jiseok knows that this is a conversation for you and Jooyeon to have. Because he wasn’t the one who was hurt by the lie. It was you. 

“Your brother’s right. This isn’t our business,” Jiseok said. 

“His lie involved you too,” you say. 

The only thing that bothers me about a lie that we’re dating is that that’s it. It’s a lie. I want it to be true. Jiseok was so close to saying those words, but he knew now was not the time, so instead he swallowed those words back and says, “I’m not the one who was hurt by it.” You don’t know how to describe the look he gave you. There was care in his eyes. His face had some level of understanding, sympathy. “This is between you and him.” 

Jiseok feels scared as he watches you leave with Jooyeon, heading to your room. He’s scared that somehow the next time your bedroom door opens you and Jooyeon will be a couple.

“I’m not gonna lose her again right?” Jiseok asked your brother once the sound of your bedroom door shutting was heard. 

“If you don’t watch her get together with another guy that’s not you, you’ll have to tell her how you feel.” Your brother pats his shoulder in a comforting manner. 

The tension in your room is thick. Jooyeon sits tentatively on the edge of your bed. He stares at his lap. He’s scared to face you. While you sit back against the headboard. A comforting pillow in your lap. That your arms give a squeeze. 

“Why did you do that?” you asked. Your voice is a bit cold, but it’s also layered with hurt. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. You can tell he’s being sincere, his face is full of regret.  

“Thank you, but that’s not why. Tell me why,” you said. Jooyeon looks up from his lap. 

With a deep inhale he begins to speak. “Gunil told me that he was interested in you.” He pauses briefly. “So I lied and told him that you were dating Jiseok.” He pauses again. “Because…I liked you too,” he confesses. 

“You what?” Your tone became much softer. His words felt like a whiplash. 

“I liked you too and because I liked you I didn’t want to watch you get together with someone else, so I lied about you dating Jiseok. I really am sorry I didn’t think about how it could hurt you,” he apologized once more. You were having trouble wrapping your head around the thought of Jooyeon liking you back then. Because back then all you and Jooyeon did was bicker. Almost as if the mere presence of one another was enough to have you shouting. 

“Can you say something?” he pleads. You hadn’t realized how long you’ve been silent. Trying to absorb the information he revealed. 

“Sorry, I’m just trying to process. You liked me back in high school?” you had to double check. 

“I’ve liked you since high school actually,” he confessed. You’re stunned. You freeze. Jooyeon has liked you since high school? During all those years of you two bickering he’s like you the entire time? Way before the two of you got lost in the woods. 

“You’ve liked me this entire time and you’ve never said anything?” you finally speak. You remove the pillow you had in your lap. Setting it aside and moving closer to where Jooyeon sat. Jooyeon shifts at your movement, tensing before relaxing. A small breath of relief leaves him, feeling how some of your coldness towards him melted away.

“First you liked Gunil. Then Jungsu came around. I actually thought about confessing the summer before college started, but by then we had been frenemies for so long and I was sure you didn’t like me back, so I decided to keep liking you silently. Then Seungmin came and stole your heart for a while. Next you were gushing about your cute neighbor, baking him cookies. As much as I liked you I thought I never had a chance with you. That I would never be one of the guys you liked. Then we got lost in the woods and for the first time I had hope. Maybe I could be the one you liked, but I was a coward. I had been silent about my feelings for you for so long that I didn’t know how to act upon them. When I got your letter I was actually really happy. ‘She actually likes back.’ It felt unreal. It was too good to be true though because I wasn’t the only one who received a love letter from you. Which meant that my lie finally found its way back to me.” he finishes. 

“I really wish we could just talk about what happened in the woods, but I feel like I can’t talk about that without telling you the reason why I went on that trip in the first place,” you begin to say your truth.

Jooyeon already knows what is coming because of the conversation he had with your brother earlier, but he appreciates being able to hear it directly from you.

“Which is?” He encouraged you to tell him. 

“I only went on that trip because I wanted to avoid Jiseok…” you pause. “Because I realized that I liked him.” There it is. The main knot in your heart. Where your feelings for Jiseok get tangled with your feelings for Jooyeon. 

“You like him?” Jooyeon braces himself for rejection. You didn’t really like him, you just misunderstood your own feelings and thought that you did. That is what he thinks you’re about to tell him.

“I like you both,” you answered. A part of Jooyeon feels relieved that you didn’t  outright reject him. Another part of him feels scared because he knows rejection could still come. He doesn’t know who you’ll pick between him and Jooyeon. Then again you also don’t know who you’ll pick. The only thing you know is that you need to talk to Jiseok.

Saying goodbye to Jooyeon was weird with the complex tension between you two. The recent reveal of his feelings for you, that have existed for much longer than you ever would have thought, and despite the fact that you like him back you two can’t have a happy ending because you harbor feelings for another. 

The two of you head for your bedroom door

“Jooyeon-”

“Y/n-” You both spoke at the same time. “You first.” He gestured for you to speak. 

“Oh uh…” You weren’t really sure what you wanted to say. “Don’t get lost on your way home,” you say. A smile pulls at the corners of Jooyeon lips. Then he reaches for your hand, holding it gently in his. Your breath hitches for a moment. 

“Don’t stress about it so much. Just know that no matter who you pick you can’t get rid of me,” he smiled playfully at you. “And just so you know, I’ve never viewed you as my frenemy. You’ve always been the girl I liked,” he tells you. 

“Referring to my letter right now is a bit.” You tilt your head to the side. 

“Oh if I wanted to discuss what you wrote in that letter I think you saying that you didn’t know if you wanted to kiss me or smack me is way more interesting to talk about,” he teases you. 

“Out!” you say grabbing him by his shoulders and shoving him towards the door. Jooyeon laughs as he opens the door. 

“Ok. Ok. I’m going no need to shove,” he said as he exited the room. Once he reaches the bottom of the stairs he turns around. “I meant what I said earlier. Don’t stress about it,” he told you once more. You nod from the top of the stairs. 

“Bye, don’t get lost.” You waved.

“What if I want you to come find me?” he responded playfully, making you chuckle. 

“Go home,” you urged him and he did. He turns back around and heads for your front door. You watch as he closes it behind him.

“So, you two good then?” Jiseok appeared beside you. 

“As good as we can be. I think,” you replied. Jiseok nods like he’s happy to hear that, but truthfully he doesn’t know if your answer is a good or bad thing. Good in the sense that there is no problem between the two of you. Bad in the sense of does that mean you would pick Jooyeon over him? “Can we talk?” you asked, circling Jiseok’s attention back. 

“Always,” he said. 

The two of you walk to your bedroom, shutting the door behind yourselves. You both make yourselves comfortable on your bed. 

“So…” You didn’t know where to start.

“Why did Jooyeon lie about us dating?” he asked, sensing how you weren’t sure what to say. 

“Turns out he liked me back or actually has liked me since back then. Anyway he liked me so he lied to Gunil about us dating,” you informed.

“Huh?” Jiseok couldn’t hide his surprise. He did suspect that Jooyeon had feelings for you too, but he never would have thought that he had them for that long. 

“I know, it surprised me too,” you say. 

“You wrote him a letter too, so does that mean?” Jiseok’s heart pounded against his chest as he spoke. He was terrified that he lost his chance with you yet again. 

“I wish it was that simple, but that’s why I wanted to talk to you,” you began to say. Jiseok waits for you to continue. “I like him.” Jiseok feels his heart sink. “But I like you too.” And now his heart is in his throat. 

“You like us both.” he checked. 

“Yeah, I do.” You pull that pillow back into your lap. Jiseok takes a breath, preparing for what he’s about to say. He knows it might complicate things for you, but he knows he can’t keep quiet about his feelings for you anymore either. He doesn’t want to watch you end up with someone else because he didn’t voice his feelings in time again. 

“I like you too y/n,” he confessed. You feel your heart skip a beat. With Jooyeon you had at least known that there was something between you two, but with Jiseok, you had no idea how he felt about you. 

“What?” You almost couldn’t believe it. 

“I’ve liked you since your freshman year of college,” he revealed. Again you feel a bit of whiplash. It’s not as long as Jooyeon, but it’s still a long time ago considering that you graduated from college this year.

“How come you didn’t tell me?” You scooted a bit closer to him. 

“Honestly I was scared of my own feelings at first. By the time I decided to stop being afraid of them, you got together with Seungmin. I missed my chance and I hated myself so much for it. In the end Seungmin shattered your heart so badly it would have been wrong for me to just swoop in and try to have my chance with you. Turns out I didn’t have to wait as long as I did though because soon enough I was hearing about your across the hall crush, Hyeongjun. Then we ended up doing that photoshoot and you started to avoid me,” he tells. 

“I guess I was scared of my feelings for you too,” you admitted. “I was supposed to be immune to you.” Your comment lightens the atmosphere slightly bringing light chuckles from either of you.

“Yeah, but I still found my way into your heart.” He takes out his phone and shows his lockscreen. It’s that photo. The photo of the moment you realized you liked Jiseok.

“How long has that been your wallpaper?” you asked. 

“Since the shoot, but you’ve been my wallpaper since I stopped running from my feelings for you. Honestly when you were with Seungmin I used to fear that he would somehow see my wallpaper then start interrogating me, but even then I still couldn’t change it,” he disclosed. 

“I’ve been your wallpaper for the past four years and haven’t noticed?” Then again you went through most of high school without catching wind of the rumor Jooyeon spread. Maybe you weren’t the most observant. 

“I’m kinda shocked about it too,” he said. 

“Seriously, what is wrong with me?” You couldn’t help but laugh. You fall onto your back, against your bedsheets. Jiseok moved to lay on his stomach, propped up on his elbows. His face hangs nearly above yours. Your eyes trail over his face. ‘The heart beats just a touch different for the one.’ you recall what Jungsu told you. Was that this though? Or was it how your heart nearly skipped a beat when Jooyeon reached for your hand?

“Looking at my pretty eyes,” Jiseok said, bringing your attention back. 

“I-” You almost blush, specially with the way he’s looking at you. Are those sparkles in his eyes because of you? “You’re the one hanging your face over mine. What else am I supposed to look at?” you recover. Jiseok laughs 

“Good. I only want you to look at me.” With everything going on you almost forgot how much of a flirt he was. 

“Get away.” Your hands push against his chest, moving him away as you sit up. After sitting up you let out a sigh. “What am I gonna do?” You were more talking to yourself, but you said it outloud, so Jisoek replied. 

“Flip a coin if you really can’t pick,” he suggested. 

“Are you serious? Flip a coin?” you looked at him as if he just uttered complete nonsense. 

“Yeah, heads I win tails he loses.” It takes you a minute to register what he just said. That way he would win no matter the outcome.

“Jiseok, be serious,” you complained. 

“Ok, I’m sorry, but flipping a coin actually isn't a horrible idea. While it’s in the air you might decide which side you want it to land on,” he told you more seriously. “But Jooyeon was also right. You shouldn’t stress over it so much.” He ran a hand through your hair before patting your head. “I’ll be here either way,” he told you. 

They both made it clear that you won’t lose anyone, yet you still can’t help but feel heavy heartened over having to pick between the two of them. Your dynamic and relationships with them were both so different. Really how were you gonna pick?

“Thanks,” you say. 

“I’ll get going now then. Take as much time as you need, but please don’t avoid me again.” His voice almost sounds like he’s begging. 

“I won’t,” you assure him. With that Jiseok made his way out of your room, closing the door behind him. You let out a sigh, plopping down onto your back. Turning your head you look at your nightstand and you notice a quarter sitting on it. ‘You might decide which side you want it to land on.’ It still sounds like a bit of a ridiculous idea, yet you find yourself sitting up and grabbing the coin. 

“Heads, Jiseok. Tails, Jooyeon.” With that you toss the coin up into the air. 

You catch the coin in your hand, fingers enclosing it in your palm. The cool metal almost feels like it’s burning against your skin. You stare at your enclosed palm. Were hoping that it landed on a certain side? You take a deep breath as you slowly begin to uncurl your finger you realize that you were hoping that the coin landed on a certain side. A smile graced your face when you saw that that side up the coin was facing up in your palm. 

“This is weird,” you remark with a light laugh. Your hands make a small gesture at Gunil and Jungsu who sit around the small table with you. It had been about a week since you realized who your heart beat-ed just slightly different for. You haven’t told him yet though. Leaving either of them waiting to hear your answer. 

“What? Never thought you would hang out with the two of us?” Gunil jested. 

“No,” you laugh. “Honestly once I started college I was sure I wouldn’t see the two of you ever again. Then even after talking to you both last week I didn’t expect to receive a message asking to hang out before you guys leave town.” 

“Honestly we weren’t really sure if you’d accept,” Jungsu said. 

“No reason not to,” you shrugged. 

“Have you decided yet?” Gunil asked. You knew what he was referring to. If you had picked between Jiseok and Jooyeon yet. 

“I have,” you answered. 

“Well?” he pressed. The two of them looked at you expectantly. 

“...Not saying,” you said cheekily. 

“That’s not fair. Why not?” Jungsu complained. 

“I haven’t even told him yet. Why would I tell you two?” you replied. 

“You haven’t told him yet? Why?” They both look at you shocked. 

“Because telling him also means having to tell the other one that it’s not him and I don’t want to hurt him,” you say. A sympathetic look takes over Gunil’s and Jungsu’s faces. 

“Rejecting people can suck. It is inevitable in this case though. You can’t hold off forever,” Jungsu says. 

“I know,” you sigh. “I feel sad enough just thinking about it. How am I supposed to tell him?”

“Write him a letter,” Gunil stated, resulting in you sending a glare at him.

“I’m never writing a letter again in my entire life thank you.” Even if everything has almost worked out now. A part of you can’t help, but resent those letters. Both Gunil and Jungsu laugh at your dramatic insistence. 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” Gunil said. 

“Yeah, you can do it,” Jungsu agreed. 

“Thanks,” you tell them. 

It felt like your heart was in your throat. It was even harder to say than you thought it would be. You looked at him from where he sat beside you, looking up at the sunlight that peeked through the tree leaves. 

“Jooyeon,” you called him. He looked at you, letting out a small hum. 

“Yeah?” You take a moment, looking at the features of his face. Then letting your eyes drift down to where his hand lays on the ground in the middle of you both. You want to grab it, but you refrain from doing so, eyes lifting back up to meet his. 

“I fingered out how my heart truly feels,” you say. It takes him a couple seconds to realize what you’re talking about. Once it clicks he feels his heart rate pick up. Though there’s just something in your eyes that makes him think he knows what you’re about to tell him. 

“It’s Jiseok isn’t it?” It hurts for him to say it. He can’t say that he’s surprised though. He knew there was something that lingered between you two. No one even questioned that lie he told about you guys back in highschool. Maybe he should have known then that ultimately you and Jiseok would end up together. 

“Yeah, it is. I’m sorry, but please don’t think that my feelings for you were a mistake or that I was just confused. I really did like you Jooyeon,” you tell him, taking his hand this time. Jooyeon needed that. He needed to hear you say that you liked him. That the girl he spent so many years silently loving did actually return his feelings. At least at one point in time you did. Even if it’s not anymore. 

“Thank you.” He gives your hand a squeeze. 

“Why are you thanking me?” You didn’t understand him. You just rejected him, yet here he was thanking you. 

“For liking me and writing me that letter. I know you probably hate them, but without them I don’t think we ever would have gotten here. I don’t know if I ever would have been able to tell you my feelings without all this happening. Even if I’m not the one, I’m still thankful that you get to know how I truly feel about you.” He swipes his thumb over the back of your knuckles. His words evoke a very poignant feeling. You know that Jiseok is the one for you, but that doesn’t make your and Jooyeon’s story any less bittersweet. 

“That’s true. If the letters hadn't gotten out I would still probably be ignoring my feelings,” you disclose.

“You haven’t told Jiseok yet right?” he checked. You shake your head, letting out a hum. “Then can I hug you?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” you smile, opening up your arms. In return Jooyeon wraps his arms around you, hooking his head over your shoulder. You let your arms come to rest around his frame. The pair of you stay like that for a while. It’s a very sentimental moment. Almost as if you're saying goodbye to feelings that could have been. When the two of you pull away Jooyeon decides to be the bravest he’s ever been. He presses a kiss onto your forehead. He knows it’s the only chance he’ll get. 

“I should punch you for that,” you jokingly say. 

“I regret nothing,” he states. Then laughter comes from either of you and you know that you’ll be ok, you can't get rid of him, just like he said. 

“So is this just a coincidence or did you cave and finally ask y/f/n for us to have another shoot together?” Jiseok questioned as he adjusted his rolled up sleeve. 

“I really wish people would stop bringing up the contents of those letters and for the record this is just a coincidence,” you state. You were still yet to tell Jiseok that he’s the one. You were planning on telling him very soon though. 

“I’m not complaining either way. I’ll take any excuse to hold you in my arms,” he says, pulling you closer to him by your wrists. 

“Jiseok!” You pushed his chest.

“We’re ready for you,” your friend notified you both. They guide the two of you to set. There’s a simple white backdrop, but there are some black pillars laid out that add contrast as well as match Jiseok’s black button down. There’s also some scattered red rose petals that match with your red dress.

“Ok, let’s start with you two facing each other,” the photographer tells. You and Jiseok turn to face one another. “Wrap your arms around her lower back,” they told Jiseok, to which he does with ease. “And you place your hands on his shoulders. Then both of you look at the camera,” they instructed. You place your hands on his shoulder. Both of you briefly lock eyes before you turn your head to look at the camera. You can feel your heartbeat against your chest. 

“Perfect!” The photographer called after a flash of lights. “Now look at each other,” they said. The two of you turn your heads, so that your eyes meet. Your breath hitches as you gaze into his eyes. He pulls you just a touch closer. 

“You two have such great chemistry,” the photographer praises, snapping multiple shots. “Rest your foreheads together,” they instruct. “Move your hands up to hold behind his neck and you can slide your hands a bit further up her back.” You move your hands up behind his neck, lightly letting your fingers brush through the hair that lies on the back of his neck. While Jiseok glides his hands up higher on your back. Your foreheads gently meet. Either of your breaths ghosting across each other’s faces.

“Jiseok,” you whisper.

“Yeah?” he whispered back. His eyes are looking at you intently. 

“Heads you win,” you say with a smile pulling at your lips. 

“Are you serious?” His hands hold you more firmly. 

“Yes.” You bump your nose with his. The camera snaps at the perfect moment to capture the bright smile that erupts on his face. He finally had the girl that he had been in love with for years. 

After the shoot Jiseok crushes you in a back hug. “Who are you to confess during a shoot when I could hardly do anything about it?” He presses a kiss to your cheek. A happy giggle escapes you. 

“I realized that I liked you during a photoshoot, so it seemed like a nice time to confess too. Full circle kind of thing,” you say. 

“How romantic of you,” he said, nuzzling his head against yours. 

“Plus it made for a great picture.” You pull out your phone and show your lock screen, displaying the photo of the moment you told him that he was the one. Jiseok feels his heart swell seeing the two of you on your phone screen. 

“Yeah, it did,” he agrees. He adjusts his hold on you, pulling you even closer against him.

“Jiseok we can’t walk like this,” you voice as you both are trying to walk through (Waddle through.) the parking lot. 

“Fine,” he sighs. He reluctantly lets you go, but he’s quick to grab your hand in his instead. “Better?”

You look down at your interlaced hands, up his arm and at him. Seeing how his eyes are sparkling as he looks at you. Feeling the comforting warmth of his hand. 

“Perfect,” you smile. He smiles back.

Epilogue

There have been six boys in your life that you’ve had a crush on: Goo Gunil, Kim Jungsu, Oh Seungmin, Han Hyeongjun, Kwak Jiseok and Lee Jooyeon. To each of these boys you wrote a letter. When those said letters got out you felt like your life was over. Not believing that those letters could possibly bring your life any good. Except they actually did. 

You ran into your first love, Goo Gunil and found out many things. One being that he and your first heartbreak, Kim Jungsu, are actually friends. You’re still not sure what kind of game life is trying to play with you there. However the more important thing you learned was that he actually did like you back then. It was just that Lee Jooyeon had to go and tell him a lie about you dating Kwak Jiseok. A lie that actually became the truth, but you’ll talk more about that later. All in all Gunil is still you’re what could have been, but you feel at peace knowing that all your laughter in physics did indeed mean something and who knows maybe one day he’ll tell you that you’re his first love too.

After reuniting with your first love you reunited with your first heartbreak, Kim Jungsu. That encounter showed that things aren’t always what they seem. Previously you could have sworn that Jungsu never liked you in the way you liked him. Now however you know that wasn’t true at all. You let him go selflessly for the sake of your friend’s happiness, but Jungsu actually held on to you selfishly. Because he actually liked you before you set him up with your friend and even after that. You did get over Jungsu, yet Jungsu never really did get over you. It wasn’t until your talk in the park that he truly could let you go. Still, even the mere thought of you will always bring a smile to his face. The same could be said about you when it comes to him.

There’s not much to say about your third crush/first boyfriend Oh Seungmin. The letters getting out didn’t magically spawn him back into your life like they seemingly did with Gunil and Jungsu. He’s still simply your beautifully tragic love story. The guy who taught you the highs and lows of love. 

Though you did finally end up crossing paths with him. You and Jiseok were out getting drinks. Standing hand in hand as you both waited at a crosswalk. That’s when you saw him. Standing on the other side of the crosswalk. You did just as you said you would do in the letter you wrote to him. You smiled at him, showing him that you were over him. He smiled back at you, but he couldn’t stop his eyes from lingering at yours and Jiseok’s linked hands. He couldn’t help thinking that you looked happier.

Just like Seungmin there isn’t much to say about  your fourth crush Han Hyeongjun, your across the hall crush. You keep your fond memories of him. Maybe even laugh about how you baked cookies especially for him only to leave a note saying that you “accidently made too many”. You haven’t seen him since you moved out of that apartment. In fact you aren’t even sure if he ever received the letter you wrote for him. You wrote the address of his apartment on it, but it’s very possible in the years the letters sat in your closet that he moved to a new address, so you can’t be certain. 

He did get your letter. He still lives in that same apartment. Even as the years pass he still recalls the moments of when you lived across the hall from him. Your talks in the elevator, in the halls. Receiving your letter made him miss you, arguably more than he already does. Because you seem to be the one that he can’t forget and he regrets not getting closer to you. You’ll always be his favorite neighbor.

Your sixth crush, Lee Jooyeon. That letter did completely change the relationship that you had with him. Because that letter changed everything. You found out that he liked you since high school. That’s why he told the lie about you and Jiseok dating. A lie that he thinks came back to bite him in the butt. Sometimes he thinks that that lie becoming true might just be his karma. 

After you rejected him things were awkward between you two for a while. Not as long as you thought they might be though. Soon enough you were back to your playful banter. You two actually became closer than you were before. You were no longer frenemies just friends. Truthfully Jooyeon isn’t 100% over you and he doesn’t know if he ever will be. He spent so much of his life loving you. He knows those feelings will never fully go away. He is happy with how things are though. He is content with how your friendship has grown. That he gets to laugh with you and fight with you. 

Now your fifth crush, but more importantly your boyfriend, Kwak Jiseok. The one that you realize how much you wanted with the flip of a coin. You’re still not entirely sure when you snuck his way into your heart. Sometimes you think maybe you had just the slightest of feelings for him the entire time. That your nonchalantness to his flirting was actually just proof of how comfortable you were with him. Sometimes when Jiseok thinks back he thinks that maybe his flirting with you wasn’t just his nature or him being playful. Maybe he always knew that you were the one for him. However even if you two did have some kind of underlying feelings all those years back it doesn’t really matter. Because Jiseok is not like every other guy you’ve had a crush on. You still love him. You’re in love with him and the two of you couldn’t be happier.

Find the series version here:

To All The Boys I've Loved Before Masterlist

taglist: @purplelady85 @gingerjunhan @chewednails @ezlynkisses @mon2sunjinsuver @mxlly143 @seungseung-minmin @junhanism @bee-the-loser

[gunilslaugh]

To All The Boys I've Loved Before Masterlist

The letters 💌:

Gunil 🩷

Jungsu 💛

Jiseok 🩵

Seungmin 💙

Hyeongjun 💚

Jooyeon 💜

Prologue: The six different boys you've had a crush on Chapter 1: Wallowing In Self Pity Chapter 2: Tangled Web Chapter 3: Complication Of Feelings Chapter 4: Who Do You Love? Chapter 5: The Truth Unfolds Chapter 6: More Confessions Chapter 7: A Flip Of A Coin Epilogue: Your life after the letters

[gunilslaugh]

So if I were to turn this series into one long fic 👀 (meaning all parts compiled into one with added scenes)

[gunilslaugh]

Gunil'sLaugh 2025 Fluffmas

Hello, welcome to  twelve days of fluffmas :) No need to fear the winter cold because these fics will wrap you in a warm fuzzy blanket. Get ready to experience many different love scenarios from fake relationships with real feelings to picking your enemy’s name for secret santa. Falling for your snowboard instructor and was your best friend ever really just your best friend? Plus many more stories waiting to be read. So get comfy, grab a snack, a warm beverage and get ready to enjoy fluffmas!

❄️ Day 1 - Getting you under the mistletoe was proving to be more difficult than Seungmin thought it would be. Maybe he’ll just have to kiss you and confess without it. ~Under the Mistletoe  

❄️ Day 2 - “So I may or may not have told my mom that there was no need for her to introduce me to her friend’s daughter at the Christmas function because we’re dating.” “Jooyeon!” ~Just ‘Til Christmas

❄️ Day 3 - Is strolling through a display of Christmas lights hand in hand with your best friend Jungsu too romantic of an activity? ~Hearts That Glow

❄️ Day 4 - Give snowboarding a try, they said. It will be fun, they said. That’s why you just fell face first into a pile of freezing cold snow. “Here let me give you a hand.” At least your instructor, Gunil, is cute. ~Aboard the Love Board

❄️ Day 5 - You always thought the hallmark Christmas movies were silly. That was until you returned to your hometown for the holidays and met Hyeongjun. ~Ho Ho Hometown

❄️ Day 6 - “Why is it so cold?” you shivered, going to check your apartment’s thermostat. “The snowstorm last night cut the power…and snowed us in.” Jiseok shivered behind you wrapped in a blanket. ~Snowed In

❄️ Day 7 - “Switch names with me.” “You got Jooyeon didn’t you?” “Yes and there is no way that I’m buying the bane of my existence a Christmas gift so. Switch. Names. With. Me.” ~Secret Enemy

❄️ Day 8 - The sound of a mug sliding across the table grabs your attention from the headache-inducing work on your laptop. “Drink up,” Seungmin says very gently. ~Hot Cocoa For The Soul

❄️ Day 9 - Who knew that decorating for Christmas with Jungsu would end up with you falling for him. Both literally and figuratively. ~Snowfall

❄️ Day 10 - While decorating your family's historic inn for its annual Christmas celebration,you discovered an old photograph of your childhood sweetheart, Gunil. When he returns home for the holidays you two find yourselves caught under the mistletoe once again and must confront your past. ~Memories of The Mistletoe

❄️ Day 11 - On the eve of Christmas Eve, you and your neighbor, Hyeongjun,whom you have never spoken to before are forced together when both of your homes become unusable due an unexpected winter storm. ~Fall Inn Love

❄️ Day 12 - You, an overworked event planner, are tasked with creating the perfect company Christmas party and you get more than you bargained for when you cross paths with a charming musician, Jiseok, hired for entertainment. ~Sing For You

BONUS NEW YEARS SERIES 🎉

Over the years you've shared six New Year's Eve kisses. Each kiss was unique as the guy you shared it with.

Kiss #1 - Goo Gunil, he definitely isn’t your friend. He’s not necessarily your enemy, but you do want to punch him in his face and yet somehow you end up kissing at midnight on New Year's Eve.

Kiss #2 - Dared to kiss your best friend, Seungmin, at midnight. How could that possibly change your guys’ relationship?

Kiss #3 -  It was meant to be a quiet New Year’s Eve. You were having a simple sleepover with your best friend Jiyoon, so how did that end up with you kissing her brother, Jiseok?

Kiss #4 - It was finally the end of the year and you were more than ready to put this past year behind you. Except maybe you weren’t because you did end up kissing your ex, Hyeongjun at midnight.

Kiss #5 -“I really hope that I can find someone to kiss at midnight,” your friend expressed. “Are you that desperate to not spend another year alone?” you half-sassed your friend. “Don’t judge me. Unlike you I don’t have a boy best friend who’s helplessly pinning over me,” she sassed you back. What was she talking about? Did Jungsu like you?

Kiss #6 -You were planning on having a cozy New Year’s Eve. Baking cookies and watching a movie. Locking yourself out of your apartment definitely wasn’t a part of the plan.

[gunilslaugh]

Thank you to everyone who has read along with my fluffmas event <3 and thank you to those of you who told me how much you enjoyed it.

Most of all Happy New Year! I hope that all of readers have an amazing 2026 and please continued to support my blog :)

[gunilslaugh]

Outside Of The Plan

Lee Jooyeon Summary:You were planning on having a cozy New Year’s Eve. Baking cookies and watching a movie. Locking yourself out of your apartment definitely wasn’t a part of the plan. WC:~2.1k Warning:none

The light sound of your music danced throughout your apartment. Along with the clanks and bangs of you getting out a mixing bowl and baking tray. You were making your favorite kind of cookies, so that you could eat them while watching a movie as you waited for the new year to roll in. You got out the flour from the cabinet, the sugar, the salt. Got the butter out of your fridge, but when you picked up your egg carton you noticed that it felt a little light.

“One short,” you sighed when you saw that there were only two eggs left when you needed three for your recipe. You really didn’t want to make a store run right now. That’s when the idea popped into your head. Your neighbor, Jooyeon, should definitely have some eggs. 

Jooyeon and you were somewhat well acquainted. Your first encounter was more than embarrassing. On your end that is. You left your apartment, headphone in, slightly head bopping to your music as you walked down the hall. You were in your own little world…until.

“That song is really good,” a voice commented from behind you. Yes, the song that you are listening to is really good, but how would the person behind you know that when you’re wearing-your head phones weren’t connected. The realization of that horror makes you freeze in your tracks. The most awkward laugh escaped your throat. 

“Yeah, it is,” you say face more than likely beet read as you turned to take a cowardly glance at whoever it was behind you.

From there though you and Jooyeon did end up bonding over your shared music taste. You two even attended a concert together for one of your favorite bands, so it was safe to say that the two of you were close enough.

You scurried out of your apartment and walked the short distance to Jooyeon’s apartment. Once in front of his door you raised your hand and knocked a couple rhythmic taps against the cool surface of his door. Soon enough the door swings open revealing Jooyeon. A small smile tugged at his lips when he saw that it’s you standing on the other side. 

“Y/n, hi,” he greeted you. 

“Hi,” you greeted him back. 

“What brings you over?” he asked, leaning on his doorframe. 

“I was baking cookies or I was going to bake cookies, but I realized that I was one egg short, so I wanted to ask if I could borrow one,” you explained. 

“Fortunately for you eggs are the one sure thing that I have in my fridge. Come in.” He gestured you in with a nod of his head. You get a brief hint of his cologne as you walk by him, entering his home. Jooyeon shuts the door behind you then leads you over to his kitchen, opening his fridge and reaching inside.

“So your New Year’s Eve plan is making cookies?” he turned around with one egg in hand and gave you a playfully judgemental look. 

“I don’t see you out at some big party either,” you playfully retorted. 

“Fair point,” he conceded. “Here,” he held out the egg to you. You stuck out your hand for him to lay the egg in, but right before he does, he pulls away slightly. 

“What?” you questioned. 

“You have to bring me some once they’re baked,” he ordered. You let out a light laugh. 

“Deal,” you say, stretching out your hand. This time he does let go of the egg, letting it fall gently into the palm of your hand. “Thank you.” He gives a small smile and nod in response. He then walks you back to his apartment door. You thank him once more before leaving and heading back down the hall. 

When you reach your door you reach into your pocket to grab your keys, but they weren’t there. Crap. You began to pat down your other pockets in hopes that you slipped them into another pocket for whatever reason, but you couldn’t find them. Which meant you left them inside of your locked apartment. 

“Something wrong?” You hear from down the hall. You turn your head to see Jooyeon peeking out of his doorway. (He was waiting to see you make it safely inside of your apartment.) An awkward laugh escaped from your throat. 

“I may or may not have locked myself out of my apartment,” you tell him. The laugh that escaped from Jooyeon’s lungs wasn’t meant to be mean. This was just so something that you would do (and maybe had done in the past already.) 

“Your friend has a spare key right?” he checked. 

“Yeah, but they're out celebrating New Year’s with their partner downtown.” You paused taking in a breath. “Which means getting them to answer their phone will be hard enough and even if they do it will take them a while to go back to their house, get my spare key and come here,” you sighed letting out that breath.

“You can just stay in my apartment till then?” he offered. 

“Really? Are you sure?” you double checked. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. Unless you want to stay in this cold hallway,” he remarked. You lightly shook your head and walked back to his apartment. 

“Thanks..again and I guess you can keep holding on to this,” you say holding up the egg.

“I’ll repurpose it,” he states as he closes the door. “I’m feeling kinda hungry. Do you want some ramen?” he asked.

“Sounds like a good way to repurpose this,” you stuck out the egg. 

“Precicsley,” he plucked the egg from your hand. Letting his finger gingerly grace the skin of your palm. 

While Jooyeon went to make the ramen you called your friend to tell them what happened and that you were in need of your spare key. Your friend is gracious enough to pause their plans to go get your spare key, but you were right it will take them a while to do so. Though they did just have to add a comment about how you probably wouldn’t mind the wait because being stuck with your cute neighbor couldn’t be a bad thing. To which you told them to just hurry up. (While trying to ignore the heat that crept on your cheeks.)

“Ramen is done,” Jooyeon shortly chimed from the kitchen. You walked into his kitchen where he had the ramen separated into two bowls. The two of you settled yourselves around the small table he had pressed into the corner of the room. 

“This might be a better use of the egg,” you say as you break the egg open and eat it with the warm broth of the noodles.

“That’s because you didn’t even bother to throw a jacket on before leaving your apartment.” He stood up briefly and disappeared into his living room before returning with a blanket. He walked up behind your chair and draped the blanket over your shoulders.

“That’s because baking in the kitchen gets hot and I thought I was just making a short trip,” you defended, pulling the blanket tighter around you. You didn’t realize how cold you were until you felt the warmth of the blanket seeping into your skin. Jooyeon wordlessly returned to his seat and the two of you continued to eat. 

Later the pair of you migrated to his living room, getting comfy on his couch. 

“Oh, I have some champagne in the fridge if you want some,” he offered while playing with his fingers. 

“You have champagne? You don’t usually drink though,” you comment. Jooyeon raised his hand and scratched the back of his neck briefly. 

“It’s from Christamas. One of the guys brought it over for others to drink,” he explained. You nodded at his explanation, letting out a small hum. 

“Well, sure I can help take it off of your hands then,” you say.

“Thanks, I’ll be right back,” he excused himself to go get the champagne.

You couldn’t help, but notice the shift in Jooyeon’s behavior. He went from being comfortable to acting like it was your first time hanging out. Like he was nervous. You began to overthink that maybe you did something that made him uncomfortable or maybe you over stayed your welcome. 

Meanwhile in the kitchen Jooyeon was trying to compose himself. He indeedly was nervous and it was because of you. However it was nothing that you did. It was because Jooyeon’s heart couldn’t stop lurching for you. 

Yes, Jooyeon had a crush on you. Just a small one. That’s what he told himself. That he just thought that you were cute and you had amazing taste in music. You were someone that would make his day better if he saw you. Someone he looked forward to spending time with, yet the aspect of spending time with you simultaneously made him nervous. Or more made his heart nervous, but it was just a small crush. It was nothing serious. It was a crush that didn’t require acting upon. It was a crush that would fade away. A crush that he could look back and laugh about. 

However right now as Jooyeon looked at the champagne that was left in the bottle after filling your glass a certain sentence(s) echoed in his mind. “Aren’t you tired of being such a coward? Do you really want it to be you and your bass forever?” It was something his friend asked him when he shared that he never confessed to anyone and that he didn’t really plan on ever doing it either. 

“Screw it,” he muttered and chugged the last couple of sips of champagne from the bottle. “If I don’t tell them tonight then I’ll never tell them.” 

Jooyeon returned with your glass of champagne and handed it over to you carefully. You thanked him and brought the glass up to your nose taking a quick smell before tilting the glass towards your lips.

“How about we watch something?” he asked, motioning to his t.v.

“Sure,” you smiled. Jooyeon handed you the remote and let you pick what you wanted to watch. “This is my favorite,” you informed him as you hit play on your favorite movie. 

“Noted,” he tried to smile. He still seemed nervous for some reason. Because he was still nervous. ‘So much for alcohol being liquid courage’ he thought. It seemed like all the alcohol did was make his heart race faster. It made his ‘little’ crush not so little. 

“Jooyeon are you ok? Am I overstaying my welcome? My friend should be here soon. I can just wait outside,” you asked him. 

“No! No.” Jooyeon spit out in a panic. “You’re not overstaying your welcome. I’m really glad that you’re here. It’s just whenever you’re around my heart can’t calm down because I like you, but I’m too scared to tell you that. I even drank some champagne as liquid courage, but I think it was a scam because it only made me more nervous and- Oh my God. I said it didn’t I? I said that I liked you, but it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wanted us to have a sweet moment and-”

“Jooyeon,” you cut off his rambling. 

“Yeah?” He looked so scared and nervous. It yanked harshly on your heartstrings. You open your mouth to speak, but get cut off by the sound of fireworks going off outside. You reach for your phone to check the time. It was midnight

“Happy New Year,” you tell him and lean in, pressing a fleeting kiss onto his lips. When you pull away Jooyeon brings a hand up to his mouth. Fingers resting against his lips like he was unsure if you really just kissed him. 

“You kissed me?” he uttered, still in shock. You laughed lightly, finding him adorable. 

“I did. Did you not like it?” you questioned. 

“No! I mean-I did! Happy New Year.” Now he’s the one to lean in briefly connecting his lips to yours. There is a tension that lingers in the air after he pulls away, but slowly dissolves. The two of you sink back into the couch cushions and your head even finds its way onto Jooyeon’s shoulder.

“I think this is way better than the New Year’s Eve I had planned,” you state. 

“Me too,” he agreed and laced his fingers with yours. 

It looks like Jooyeon’s bass will have to get used to sharing Jooyeon with you.

taglist: @purplelady85 @gingerjunhan @chewednails @ezlynkisses @mon2sunjinsuver @mxlly143 @seungseung-minmin @junhanism @bee-the-loser

[gunilslaugh]

Oblivious

Kim Jungsu Summary: “I really hope that I can find someone to kiss at midnight,” your friend expressed. “Are you that desperate to not spend another year alone?” you half-sassed your friend. “Don’t judge me. Unlike you I don’t have a boy best friend who’s helplessly pinning over me,” she sassed you back. What was she talking about? Did Jungsu like you? WC:~1.1k Warning:none

Frankly, you wanted to leave the party about ten minutes after you got there. However your friend, Sara, was dead set on staying at the party till midnight. She was on a mission too. She wanted to find someone to kiss at midnight. In hopes of not spending yet another year single. 

You were right by her side as she scoured the crowd, looking for someone who looked like her type, but soon her head fell in despair. None of the other party goers seemed to catch her eye. 

“I really hope that I can find someone to kiss at midnight,” your friend expressed. 

“Are you that desperate to not spend another year alone?” you half-sassed your friend. 

“Don’t judge me. Unlike you I don’t have a boy best friend who’s helplessly pinning over me,” she sassed you back. What was she talking about? Did Jungsu like you?

Jungsu who was currently grabbing you a drink. You look across the room to where you can see Jungsu peeking out in between the strangers that filled the room. You spy him lifting a cup to his nose and smelling it. Seemingly trying to make sure that there was nothing extra special mixed into it. 

“What are you talking about? Jungsu is just a friend. A good friend,” you stated, turning your attention back to Sara. She scoffed at you, rolling her eyes. 

“Can you really not see it? His eyes practically drip with love whenever he looks at you. I think if he stared at you long enough his pupils would be stuck in a heart shape,” she voiced. 

“I-” You were at a loss for words. “I don’t think so. Stop being silly. It’s not like that,” you refuted. Though you don’t really know if you believe your own words. It felt like you were just saying them because what else were you supposed to say? ‘Oh yeah he’s totally been in love with me the entire time and I’ve just never acknowledged it.’ 

When Jungsu returns with your drink in hand and ever so carefully hands it over to you, you pay closer attention to his eyes as he looks at you. They sparkled and his lips were adorned with a smile of admiration. Maybe Jungsu really has been in love with you this entire time and you had just been too oblivious to see it. The way his eyes practically dripped with love. Only when he looked at you. 

Suddenly an elbow struck your side. The culprit was none other than your friend, Sara. She leaned in close to you to whisper. 

“Get it now?” Her eyes quickly shifted to Jungsu. You did. 

“Welp now that Jungsu is back. I’m going to go find my New Year lover,” she excused herself and walked off into the crowd. 

“She’s really dedicated to finding someone isn’t she?” Jungsu remarked, subconsciously taking a step closer to you. In the past you would haven’t noticed this, but now you feel hyperaware of all of his movements. Of all of the signs that you had been blind to. 

“Yeah,” you chuckled lightly. “She is.” 

Later into the night you and Jungsu have found yourselves your own quiet little corner. You leaned against the wall, nearly empty cup in hand. Looking at the sparkling liquid as you swirled it around the cup. 

“You know I can take you back home if you want and come back for Sara,” Jungsu says. You peel your eyes away from moving liquid in your cup. 

“It’s ok.” You take out your phone, taking a look at the time, 11:45pm. “It’s almost midnight now. We should be leaving soon anyway.” You gave him a small smile. 

“Are you sure? You’ve seemed kinda spacy most of the night.” Of course he would notice the change in your behavior. He’s always been very attentive towards you. He even noticed when you trimmed your hair half an inch.

“Have you ever wanted to kiss someone at midnight? Or just start off the year knowing that you have someone special?” you asked. You can see that Jungsu is slightly taken aback by your question as he rocked back and forth on his heels and his lips pulled just ever so slightly to one side. 

“Yeah, I have,” he answered truthfully. “But why? Has Sara’s little mission gotten into your head?” he followed. 

“Something like that,” you say with a shrug and looked down at your drink again. You took Jungsu’s answer to mean that he has probably spent all the new years that you two have been friends dreaming about what it would be like to share a new years eve kiss with you. And honestly, you’ve spent most of this night dreaming about sharing a new years eve kiss with him. 

“I mean…” You glance up from your drink. You can see some worry in Jungsu’s eyes. You can only infer that he’s worried about you excusing yourself to go partake in Sara’s mission and look for some to lock lips with at midnight. Someone that wasn’t him. 

“I’ve been thinking about kissing you at midnight,” you reveal. “And maybe thinking about how many other midnights we could have shared a new years eve kiss if I hadn’t been so oblivious to your feelings about me,” you added. Jungsu is visibly stunned by your words. 

“Ah-” he laughed. “You’ve finally realized.” He gently takes your free hand in his. You turn and set your cup on the edge of the windowseal so that you can take his other hand.

“Yeah,” you chuckled. “And I feel kinda stupid now.” You look up into his love dripping eyes. He shook his head. 

“Not your fault. Not like I ever told you.” Now he’s the one chuckling. “But this means I can finally kiss you now?” He didn’t really need to ask, but Jungsu was nothing if not a gentleman. In every sense of the word. 

“Of course you can,” you smiled. Love now dripped from your eyes as well. 

When the clock strikes midnight and you feel Jungsu’s lips against yours you really don’t know how you could have been so oblivious to his feelings for you that he practically wore on his sleeve. However you also don’t know how you never noticed that your feelings for him were nothing like your feelings towards your other friends. You weren’t only oblivious to Jungsu’s love for you, but your love for him as well. 

“Happy New Year,” you told him, brushing your nose against his once you two part. Not wanting to lose the intimate feeling of being so close to him in a new way just yet. 

“The best New Year,” he murmured, placing a kiss on your forehead.

taglist: @purplelady85 @gingerjunhan @chewednails @ezlynkisses @mon2sunjinsuver @mxlly143 @seungseung-minmin @junhanism @bee-the-loser

[gunilslaugh]

Back With The Old

Han Hyeongjun Summary: It was finally the end of the year and you were more than ready to put this past year behind you. Except maybe you weren’t because you did end up kissing your ex, Hyeongjun at midnight. WC:~1k Warning:none

It has been one heck of a rollercoaster of a year for you. There were so many ups and downs and emotional whiplash. Breaking, healing, losing yourself, rediscovering yourself. When the end of December finally rolled around you were so glad that this year was coming to an end. You wanted nothing more than to wash your hands and be rid of it. You aren’t necessarily a new year, new me kind of person, but you were definitely praying that this new year would be way more peaceful than the one you just endured. 

“Y/n, you’re still coming to Gunil’s new years party right?” your friend, Jungsu, asked you. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” you questioned. 

“Because…” Jungsu’s lips pulled to the side. “Hyeongjun is going to be there,” he tells you. 

“I’m aware,” you said. “Him and I broke up amicably. If anything he would be the one who wouldn’t want to see me. I am the one who wanted to break up,” you reminded. 

“I know. I’m just making sure. If you weren’t comfortable, me and you could just have a movie night or something,” he says.

“Thank you Jungsu. That’s really sweet of you, but Hyeongjun is an ex I wouldn’t mind running into,” you disclosed. 

Han Hyeongjun, you and him dated for about ten months. It was filled with lots of ups and downs (mainly yours.) In fact Hyeongjun served as your rock for the majority of your twos’ relationship. You were and still are incredibly grateful for Hyeongjun. He supported you through it all. Unfortunately one day you realized that maybe he supported you a little too much. More rather that you had become too reliant on him. You realized that you couldn’t stand as your own person. In truth you also realized that you weren’t sure who you were anymore. Had even less clue of who you wanted to be. In order to embark on your journey of self discovery you felt like you had to do it on your own. That meant breaking up with Hyeongjun. It hurt a lot. After breaking up with you realized just how entangled you were with him. It was even more than you previously thought. It was all worth it in the end though. You learned how to stand on your own and while doing that you fell in love with who you found yourself to be. 

Hyeongjun could see that as he watched you from across the room at Gunil’s party. You were chatting with some people that he didn’t know, but you looked so comfortable. You were standing on your own. Not clinging to anyone’s side. (Like you did with him back when the two of you were together.) In the moment he could tell that you guys’ break up was the right thing, yet it also made him miss you so much. He wanted you back, this new dazzling version of you.

That’s how he found himself approaching you. Walked right up behind you and tapped you on the shoulder. 

“Hi,” he greeted you with a warm, genuine smile. You excused yourself from the people you were chatting with to give him your full attention. 

“Hi,” you greeted him back with a bright smile. You were quite happy to see him. Obviously you knew that he would be here tonight, but you didn’t know if you two would actually interact. 

“You look great. Happier,” he told you. His words melted your heart and easily reminded you of why you fell in love with him. 

“Aww thank you,” you thanked him. “You look good too. I’m happy to see you again,” you voiced. 

“Me too. What have you been up to? Any plans for the new year?” That was all it took for you and Hyeongjun to become fully immersed in one another. The noise of the party falling deaf in the background as you and Hyeongjun caught up, sharing stories. It felt like a sort of homecoming. 

To be honest you had kinda forgotten that you were even at Gunil’s new year party. That only thing that pulled you out of your immersion with Hyeongjun was the excited announcement that New Years was only minutes away. 

At the realization that midnight was so near, a bit of tension began to string around you and Hyeongjun. The flames of your old romance were definitely burning. Both of you could feel it. Those old feelings were still there and they were quickly igniting back to life. The unspoken questions hung in the air. Did you want to get back with Hyeongjun? Did he want to get back with you? Should you two rekindle your relationship?

“Would it be ok if I kissed you at midnight?” Hyeongjun broke the building tension. “You can say no. It’s just talking with you tonight has made me realize how much I miss us,” he shared. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss Hyeongjun too and what you guys shared. 

“Honestly I came to this party ready to burst into the new year and leave the past behind, but after spending this evening with you.” You reach out, taking his hands in yours. “I think there is something from the past that I would like to bring with me into the new year.” You looked him right in his eyes, speaking with certainty. 

“I’d like to bring that something into the new year with me too.” He gave your hand a squeeze.

You’re sure that the countdown to the new year was loud and yet in your ears it felt quiet. The touch of Hyeongjuns hands in yours and the brush of his nose against yours right before he connected your lips were the only things you could focus on. When you feel Hyeongjun’s lips tug into a smile against yours you know that this is a kiss that you’ll never forget. Because it feels perfect. There is no other word to describe it. It was everything you didn’t know you needed. It was the perfect way to start off the new year by bringing back your old relationship with Hyeongjun. 

“Happy New Year,” he wished you with a lovestruck smile on his face. 

“Happy New Year.” Your lovestruck eyes matched his smile.

taglist: @purplelady85 @gingerjunhan @chewednails @ezlynkisses @mon2sunjinsuver @mxlly143 @seungseung-minmin @junhanism @bee-the-loser