AN: Hello, everyone! I'm officially back after a loooong existential crisis. Anyways, this is a 4 (maybe 5) part series loosely based on my headcanon that Bucky loves Sleep Token. Each part will be named and themed after a specific song. Enjoy!
Warnings: 18+ MDNI, john walker x afab!reader (for most of this part), john is a dick to reader, manipulation, betrayal, toxic relationship, slight verbal abuse, insecurities, angst, hurt/some comfort.
You and John were the power couple of the tower. When you first started going on missions together, you were the perfect team. Reading each other's body language so well, you knew what each other's next move was just by a shift in breathing. You both fell hard and fast, but something changed.
You were standing on the outskirts of a small gathering the team decided to have. You were staring at John, begging him to look at you with your eyes. He didn't budge. He was glued to his conversation with his friends, never bothering to check in with you. You wanted to go up and introduce yourself, but nobody outside of the tower knew you two were together. At the time, you agreed it was best to keep the public and media out of things, but now it feels different. It's like he's ashamed of you.
You started wringing your hands together. The overwhelming feeling of anxiousness creeping up your back and tensing in your neck. Was he ashamed of you? The only time it seemed you got any ounce of affection was under the cover of night. John has told you how hard relationships are for him, but you couldn't shake this unsettling feeling.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd think he hasn't talked to you all night," you hear Bucky's voice from behind.
"Well, you wouldn't be wrong," you say as you turn to face him.
Bucky lets out a displeased sound.
"You want me to talk to him?"
"Please, don't. He's trying his best. He's been burned in multiple ways from relationships before. He just needs time."
"It's almost been two years. How much more time does he need?"
John walks over to you, finally. You can tell he's drunk. The smell of whiskey becomes stronger the closer he gets to you. He leans against the wall, making it look to others as if he's having a casual conversation with coworkers. When eyes are off of him, he bends down to your ear.
Then he walks off down the hall and to the elevator. You sigh and pull yourself away from the spot you've been standing in all night.
"Don't," Bucky says as you walk away.
You slump your shoulders and head towards the elevator and up to your room. You contemplate opening the door. You absolutely hate when John does this. It's as if he only wants to touch you when he's drunk, something you've told him multiple times that you don't agree with. You open the door to find John mostly naked, besides his boxers, on your bed.
"Hey, baby. Why don't you come get in the bed with me?"
"John, please. You know I don't like when you do this."
"Come on, it's not like I'm blacking out."
"John, enough. I've told you multiple times. . ."
"Stop being such a bitch."
The words sting before you even register them. John has never called you that, not even in a joking tone.
"You beg me to pay more attention to you and when I do, you don't want it anymore. It doesn't make any sense."
"You're drunk! I don't want to have sex with you when you're drunk. What is so hard to understand? Also, I 'beg' for attention as in more love and affection, not just sex."
"What do you mean 'whatever'?"
John sits up on the bed and starts to put his clothes back on. You stare at him bewildered. Tears start to prick in your eyes. John gets up and walks straight past you, not even bothering to look at you. As the door closes, you feel the sobs trying to escape.
You make your way over to your closet and find your favorite hoodie of John's. You slip out of your dress and put it on, holding it up to your nose and smelling the familiar scent of his cigarettes. You lay in your bed and let the tears flow. How could he be so cruel?
A bit later, after the tears have subsided, you decide to put on some sweatpants and go back out to the gathering to say your goodnights to everyone. The walk to the elevator and out onto the main floor seems longer than normal. As you reach the end of the hallway, Bucky suddenly appears in front of you.
"Hey," he says in a funny tone. His arm coming up to block your view behind him.
"We all thought you went to sleep," he looks at your eyes and cheeks, both red from the tears, "Are you okay?"
"Bucky, what's going on? You're being weird."
"No I'm not. You're the one all sulky-looking."
"Seriously, Bucky, what are you doing," you ask as you stand on your tiptoes to see above Bucky's arm.
Then, you spot it. You see John and Sharon. Specifically, you see Sharon grinding on John and his hands all over her. You feel like throwing up. Bucky notices and quickly rushes you to the nearest bathroom. You immediately hurl your broken heart up into the bowl beneath you. Bucky gently holds your hair and rubs your back.
Once you're done, you find some mouthwash and rinse out your mouth. You splash cold water on your face and take a moment to look at your broken form in the mirror. Dark circles under your eyes, popped blood vessels on your cheeks.
"I tried so hard. I thought we were in love," your voice breaks as the tears start again.
"He's selfish and just found whoever would give him what he wants."
The realization cuts deep through you.
"I couldn't give him what he wanted," you say through broken sobs.
Bucky lets out a sympathetic sigh before grabbing you by the shoulders, making you look at him.
"Forget about what John wants for just one minute. What do you want?"
Nobody's asked you that question for quite some time. Hell, you don't think John ever asked you that question. You look into Bucky's eyes for a moment too long and your gaze shifts to his lips. The smell of John's cigarettes enters your nose and your eyes and mind are torn away.
"I want to get out of these clothes. They reek of John."
All of a sudden, the bathroom door opens and you see John standing there. John looks at Bucky's hands on you and how close you two are. You see anger paint his face and you are fighting the urge to laugh hysterically. He has no right to be jealous.
"What the hell were you two doing in here?"
Before you can even think, you slap John across the face.
"You don't get to accuse me of anything. I saw you and Sharon out there. How could you, John? Two fucking years! We were a team. I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone."
"Fuck off," John says before leaving the bathroom.
Bucky holds you back as you almost leap out to attack him.
"I hope you can't stop thinking about me when you fuck her," you scream out.
"Hey," Bucky says as he pulls you in to face him again, "Let's get you out of these clothes like you wanted."
You and Bucky head up to your room. You start searching for clothes that don't have reminders of John clung to them. You sigh in frustration after a while of searching.
"I can't tell if I'm going crazy or if everything actually does smell like his damn cigarettes."
"Why don't you go take a shower and I'll bring you some of my clothes. We'll wash yours in the morning."
Bucky gives a light chuckles.
"Sure, if that's what you want."
Bucky leaves to go find some clothes from his room. You head towards your bathroom and turn on the shower to let it warm up. You strip off John's clothes and throw the offensive material to the floor, as if you could kill it with blunt force. The hot water hits you and your eyes drift closed. You let it relax your body before starting your routine.
Images of John flash into your mind. How you used to shower together after missions. How he would carefully wash your hair for you if your arms were too tired. Memories flood in of how that gentleness changed. How he would always want a quick shower fuck, no matter how exhausted you were. How mad he'd be if you stood up for yourself and said no. How the showers after missions stopped abruptly. You became just sex to him, then slowly, you became nothing at all.
You quickly finish your shower and you go to brush your teeth. You open the bathroom door to see Bucky had left clothes for you on your bed. You were a little disappointed that Bucky didn't stay, but he's done more than enough to take care of you already.
You slip on the clothes Bucky left for you, practically swimming in them. You could swear they were the softest thing to ever touch your skin. The smell was heavenly. A mix of cedar, vanilla, and some sort of musk that could only be described as just Bucky. You laid down and got as cozy as you could. You had grown used to sleeping next to John every night. You turned off your bedside lamp and closed your eyes. Your mind couldn't help but reminisce about John as you fell asleep.
